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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ibiza after cheating

115 replies

Notmynight · 08/05/2023 22:42

My boyfriend cheated on me not long ago on a night out. He has never done this before and he is remorseful. He wants us to try again and so do I now we’ve had some time apart. He had a lads holiday booked a while ago to Ibiza, long before the one night fling he had. AIBU to expect him not to go? I’ve told him he needs to stay here. He asked me if I minded him going out of interest.

OP posts:
GoodChat · 09/05/2023 05:53

It's completely understandable for you to not want him to go but you shouldn't have to ask him not to.

He should have cancelled of his own accord without discussion.

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/05/2023 05:54

Is he going to Ibiza with the same 'lads' (yuk) he was on a night out with when he cheated? Are his friends generally dogs to good men?

I think at 31 with no kids it's probably time to cut your losses rather than let this one die a slow painful death and rob you of your 30s. But it's your choice.

quietnightmare · 09/05/2023 05:58

Trust is gone end it

By this time next year you will be over it

Break up book yourself a nice relaxing holiday somewhere with your friends. Rebuild YOURSELF. And find yourself an honest man who adores you

Have you been together long?

tuvamoodyson · 09/05/2023 06:11

Well, he didn’t need to go to Ibiza to cheat on you before, he managed to do that right under your nose!

Buddythecat1 · 09/05/2023 06:14

Aquamarine1029 · 08/05/2023 22:56

You're going to waste the most fertile years of your life with a man who has already betrayed you? A man who shattered your trust just so he could get a leg over some other woman?

It is fucking madness to stay with him.

Show quote history

Hate to say it but I agree.
I'm 2 years younger than you OP but 5 years ago I would've gave chance after chance to people who cheated. Convincing myself they wouldn't do it again, but of course they did.
Now, nah. I'm too old for that crap

Throwaway1066 · 09/05/2023 06:14

If he was really interested in showing you how much you mean to him and how much he wants to fix things, he would have cancelled without you asking. But he didn’t.

I would suspect you can do better.

CamoFlamingo · 09/05/2023 06:21

Good god OP do yourself a favour and end it..he betrayed and disrespected you and now you don't trust him and you probably never will. He is not a good man, stop defending him after how he's treated you.

ShowUs · 09/05/2023 06:29

YABVU

Of course he should still go on his holiday.

Him cheating is awful but it’s completely separate issue.
If my DP asked me not to go on holiday because he wanted me to stay with him then I would end the relationship.

You either trust him or you don’t.

Perhaps this is the perfect opportunity to see whether you actually can trust him or not.
If you cannot cope with him going on holiday then you know this relationship cannot work.
You cannot live your life worrying about what he’s doing.

Ladysquamy · 09/05/2023 06:34

When people show you who they are, believe them. He's shown he has no respect for you by jumping in to bed with another woman. You're a mug if you keep going with this.

LolaMoon · 09/05/2023 06:35

But I just think he should be close to me for a bit so I can rebuild my trust in him

If the only way you feel able to trust him now is by knowing where he is all the time then this relationship isnt going to work. You cannot possibly know he's not cheating even if he doesnt leave the country as there are many opportunities throughout the day for him to potentially cheat if he really wants to. Trust is either there or it isnt and if you start banning him from going on holiday then he'll end up resentful and you'll end up upset. Dont get me wrong- I fully understand your reasoning but trust is based on your feelings about that person, not about tracking where they are at all times- thats not healthy and will only lead to further issues. Personally, I could not get past cheating and it would be the end but you really need to consider if this is something you can deal with as stopping him from going places will only cause issues in your relationship down the line.

Susieb2023 · 09/05/2023 06:38

Building trust after cheating is a long process. It can’t be dove overnight and it can’t be done because you’ve decided to stay together. It’s a hard journey.

Personally I don’t think this should be your decision, he should be making it because he wants you to feel safe. Putting the ball in your court is a tactic designed for him to get his own way and go because you’ll feel so guilty that you prevented him based on your issues.

But this isn’t your issue this is his and it’s his responsibility to help you feel safe and to put that above his lads holiday if rebuilding g is what he wants.

TBH without ties (marriage, children, financial) I would not take a cheater back, but as you’ve given him this gift he should be working hard to prove that he’s worthy of it. The fact you’ve come here shows he is not.

Poppyblush · 09/05/2023 06:38

He will resent you if he doesn’t you. You resent him for breaking trust. Why stay with him? He’s done it once so could do it again,

jeaux90 · 09/05/2023 06:40

Nope. Deal breaker with him cheating. Throw him back. Move on. Or you will spend the rest of your life wondering whether he will cheat again.

Don't be that woman who sacrifices her life on the alter of pathetic men.

Stravaig · 09/05/2023 06:40

Set aside the rest of the relationship and what has already happened for a moment. Why are boyfriend and his mates going on a 'lads holiday' to Ibiza?

Will they be going to galleries and museums? Exploring the local craft scene? Progressing their adventure sports in the great outdoors? Taking in cultural events? No. No, they won't.

A 'lads holiday' in Ibiza is about alcohol and sex. Lots of alcohol and as much sex as they can get. Letting loose and being an arse. A drunken, misogynistic, abusive arse. Why would you hang on to a man who thinks this is a good time, a man who has already cheated on you?

Why would a decent man cheat? Why would a decent man have these friends and make these plans? Why would a decent man make this your problem?

A decent man would have already re-thought his life choices on his own, and quietly pulled out of this holiday without making it your problem.

booksandbrews · 09/05/2023 06:45

Hi OP. Sorry you’re going through this. I’d really recommend joining the Reddit forum /asoneafterinfidelity - you’ll find advice from people who have dealt with exactly this dilemma. (Rather than loads of people telling you to leave him, which isn’t what you asked 🙈.)

Shoxfordian · 09/05/2023 06:46

Do you think he’ll cheat on you again in Ibiza? He could do that again anytime here as well. Why waste your time with a cheater op

ShandaLear · 09/05/2023 06:49

If he wants to cheat he could just download Tinder and be in another woman’s bed by the end of the afternoon. It doesn’t matter if he’s in Ibiza or Romford. You don’t want him to go because you don’t trust him and a bit of you wants to punish him and also test him by getting him to choose you instead of Ibiza, but it’s not a real choice, is it? If he stayed it would only be to appease you, not because that’s what he wanted to do.

dangerrabbit · 09/05/2023 06:56

Why are you even with him at the age of 31? He has done you a favour by showing you what a loser he is before you had kids. Dump and move on. Being single is better than this

ShowUs · 09/05/2023 06:58

LolaMoon · 09/05/2023 06:35

But I just think he should be close to me for a bit so I can rebuild my trust in him

If the only way you feel able to trust him now is by knowing where he is all the time then this relationship isnt going to work. You cannot possibly know he's not cheating even if he doesnt leave the country as there are many opportunities throughout the day for him to potentially cheat if he really wants to. Trust is either there or it isnt and if you start banning him from going on holiday then he'll end up resentful and you'll end up upset. Dont get me wrong- I fully understand your reasoning but trust is based on your feelings about that person, not about tracking where they are at all times- thats not healthy and will only lead to further issues. Personally, I could not get past cheating and it would be the end but you really need to consider if this is something you can deal with as stopping him from going places will only cause issues in your relationship down the line.

I completely agree.

gogogoji · 09/05/2023 07:07

If your bf REALLY wanted to rebuild your trust and was properly remorseful he would cancel without badgering. He would be prioritising you over his friends as it's you he betrayed. Remorseful people will do everything to make amends.
How do you even know it was the only time he cheated and not the only time he was discovered? ?

Floralys2 · 09/05/2023 07:12

You will never be able to fully trust him ever again

Move on

EvergreenDream · 09/05/2023 07:18

I personally don’t think he should go and if he was serious about rebuilding your trust, HE should be the one cancelling his plans, he shouldn’t be putting the decision on to you.

Relationships can survive after cheating but with lots of hard work.

makemineadoublee · 09/05/2023 07:32

He’s a good man really. Treats me well

no he doesn’t 🙄

Choppyskop · 09/05/2023 07:32

I’m not sure what him not going will achieve? Is it that by not going he’s demonstrating in your eyes that he’s taking himself out of temptations way? If so, that’s no way to go about rebuilding trust in this situation. I would agree if he was choosing this trip over something you’d planned to do together as part of getting back on track but that doesn’t seem to be the case from your post.

JonahAndTheSnail · 09/05/2023 07:44

You'll always be looking over your shoulder, wondering if he's cheating. It's a toxic dynamic to have to ask your partner's permission to go out/away on holiday and for you to have to set rules for him to follow. He's not a child and you're not his mother. He should have the balls to end a relationship if he's fallen out of love with his partner, rather than feel the need to cheat. He's not a 'good' man; he's an insecure, silly little boy who can't keep it in his pants and wants someone to mother him, until he finds someone he likes the idea of being with more.

You deserve so much more from a relationship.