Ibiza after cheating

[Notmynight]

My boyfriend cheated on me not long ago on a night out. He has never done this before and he is remorseful. He wants us to try again and so do I now we’ve had some time apart. He had a lads holiday booked a while ago to Ibiza, long before the one night fling he had. AIBU to expect him not to go? I’ve told him he needs to stay here. He asked me if I minded him going out of interest.

Are his friends a bad influence on him/is he easily influenced by the group? We're they, or any one of them, involved in any way with his ONS (if that's what it was) or was that all down to him?

I think it's a sign you are going to find it hard to trust him again - I can't say TBH never having been in your shoes - how long have you been together? Is he a similar age to you? Has he pulled this kind of stunt before in previous relationships (as far as you know)? Purely from my POV my relationship would have to be something very special and long lived to want to try and work through this - honestly what type of guy is doing this at (I'm guessing) 31? You're 31 - the prime of your life - not 61 - if he's not matching up to be your ideal mate I wouldn't waste any time on him - move on and feel better about yourself for having done so. If I was in his shoes, and the relationship really mattered, I'd be bending over backwards to try and fix things and if going away with the lads was bothering you I'd cancel it to work on things with you but that's me - I have friends of my own but my partner always comes first... as a consequence perhaps, or maybe just a rejection of our relationship - such conflicts over friends just doesn't crop up. I'm sorry this happened to you - I know some people manage to revive relationships after affairs/ONS's, etc - even improve them in some cases but I really don't think it's that common. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

He should be doing everything within his power to earn your trust. It's a no-brainer that this would mean cancelling the lads' trip to Ibiza. If he was truly focused on your relationship and was thinking about your feelings, he'd realise that the trip would obviously be a source of anxiety for you so soon after his betrayal. And if he was seriously remorseful and wanted to make up for the hurt he'd caused, he would have cancelled it immediately to put your mind at rest.

If you have to ask him not to go then it doesn't mean anything. I'd dump him. 31 is young and there are plenty of great guys out there who don't shag other people when they're in a relationship.

I think he wouldn't go of his own choice (as it's still fresh) if he was that desperate to show you he's trustworthy again.

sounds like denying treats to a naughty six year old.

Words are cheap.
His actions say he cheated.

Why do you think this clownshoe is the best that you deserve?

Good guys don't cheat on their partners. I'm continually astounded by how low women's bars are for men in relationships.

I wouldn't stay with someone who cheated on me but I certainly wouldn't stay if we got back together and then he went on a "lad's holiday" to Ibiza! That shows you where his true priorities lie. If he really wanted to be earning your trust back and working on your relationship, he would be there with you, not doing that.

For those saying you don't trust him anymore, well, yeah, why would you? He's proven himself to be a cheater. Of course you're going to be anxious worried that he's cheating again. Because it's barely been any time at all and he probably is!

At best, I would advise you wait longer to figure out if you really want to be with this a-hole or if you're just lonely or desperate. If it's really meant to be, you guys can get back together in the future when you're sure it's right and he's not darting off to Ibiza with the guys after cheating on you, and you're not wracked with anxiety about it, etc. But I bet you'll realize this was a blessing in disguise to find out about this NOW instead of after you're married with a kid on the way or after already have a couple kids, etc. I bet you won't want him back if you focus on making your own life as happy as you can make it and waiting until you find a partner you KNOW would never do that to you!

(Wanted to clarify that when I said "desparate" above, I meant desperate to save your relationship/stuck in inertia and fearing change.)

This ^.

He has shown how much he respects you, so you know what to do.😥

He's a good man.

You think good men cheat on their partners?

Treats me well.

You think cheating on your is treating you well??

Girl, raise your standards! I would hate to see what you think a BAD guy who treats you BADLY is. With a "boyfriend" like that, who needs enemies??

I think this is unfair, she obviously doesn’t trust him given he recently cheated and the trust had to be rebuilt. To say either trust him or not undermines the hurt he has caused and makes no sense.

It will take time for the trust to be rebuilt and will involve significant actions from his end not just carry on as usual and pretend it never happened.

You don’t trust him and if he’s recently cheated that’s not surprising. But I don’t think there’s much point in just “keeping him close”.

Do you know why he cheated? More importantly, does he? And what does he plan on doing if similar circumstances? Will he be able to recognise the path towards infidelity before he gets more than a step or two down it? Or are you hoping that some time between the last instance and the next time he’s alone and the opportunity presents itself will some how magically make him make different choices? Because without that sort of self awareness a lads holiday in Ibiza is always going to be a risky temptation.

I don't think your trust in him is ever going to be rebuilt and I can imagine that he would feel quite remorseful if you stopped him from going.

Tricky.

He can cheat on you again without going on holidays. Did he also stop going on nights out?

I think once someone cheats and trust is gone, it's very difficult to rebuild. You will feel bad every time he goes out again.

I completely get you @Notmynight. I think your bf needs to understand that the main condition of you guys getting back together is he needs to earn your trust back and you need to be satisfied that he has done so. If not, there’s no point in moving forward because you will forgive (on the surface) but never forget and that in itself can be toxic for any relationship.

His priority should not be going to Ibiza and he should understand why you are uncomfortable. If he can’t get it - he should go.

Speaking from experience.

If you're not married and don't have children then I think you should separate. Why let your trust and self esteem take a kicking? He's shown you that he is not trustworthy, honest or caring.

It may be unfair but it’s the truth. If you don’t trust the person you are in a relationship with then there is no basis for a relationship IMO. I’ve been in relationships with both kinds of men and the ones I don’t have trust in aren’t worth my time.

I’m pretty simple in that regard. I can’t be in a relationship without trust. I also don’t really don’t believe in rebuilding trust. For me it either there or it isn’t. No amount of ‘proving yourself’ will ever bring that back, and to go through trust exercises again and again aren’t helpful for anyone.

Dump him. He's a cheat who is interested in being single.

There are a 1000 other guys out there you could be dating who won't pull this crap.

Sometimes people fuck up and cheat. This whole 'cheaters never change' trope is bullshit and naive.
It does take a long time to rebuild trust. But it isn't done by keeping him close or stopping him doing things. You either let him crack on and he proves to you that he's trustworthy. Or if you can't trust him at all (which would be fair enough), then move on with your life.
What would be miserable for you both is wasting the next god knows how many years arguing about his infidelity, never trusting him, holding it against him, accusing him of XYZ every time he goes out and him feeling stifled. If that situation is likely to happen, then for his sake and yours, dump him and move on.
Your relationship isn't doomed but you both need to work hard to make it work now.

In your situation I would actually prefer he went to Ibiza. If the only way to stop him from cheating is to make sure he doesn’t have any opportunity, it’s going to be a pretty miserable stressful life. If he goes and shows he can behave himself I would be more inclined to view his cheating as a one off. Some people can get past cheating, others can’t. Only you know which it is going to be for you,

Raise your bar! For goodness sake!

You are 31 years old. He's a cheat. Get rid. Find a good man.

If you had young children and it meant breaking up a family home, I'd see the sense in trying to make things work, but you aren't .

This is the easy bit where you have time and attention for each other, before lack of sleep, demands of kids, pregnancy illnesses, etc etc take their toll....despite that he still can't manage to be faithful. He's not a good man, he's a creep.

Absolutely this.

It seems many posters haven't read about the repair stages following infidelity so are just replying on instinct. You are correct that he should want to make you feel safe and repair the relationship before testing it and replicating the circumstances of betrayal won't do that.

However, seriously consider whether this man can offer you a lifetime of love and stability. You have no children with him and can walk away in time to meet someone else.

He should be doing everything he can to prove to you he is trustworthy. Going to Ibiza isn't one of them. He'd be ditching the trip if he was seriously trying to reconcile

It's the responsibility of the cheater to do whatever they can to rebuild the trust that they have destroyed, and that takes a great deal of time, effort and sacrifice - far more than "I've said sorry, so you should get over it."