Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ibiza after cheating

115 replies

Notmynight · 08/05/2023 22:42

My boyfriend cheated on me not long ago on a night out. He has never done this before and he is remorseful. He wants us to try again and so do I now we’ve had some time apart. He had a lads holiday booked a while ago to Ibiza, long before the one night fling he had. AIBU to expect him not to go? I’ve told him he needs to stay here. He asked me if I minded him going out of interest.

OP posts:
Original poster
Notmynight · 08/05/2023 23:03

He is ok with not going but I feel bad that I don’t want him to go.

OP posts:
Doyoumind · 08/05/2023 23:06

He probably wants you to feel bad. Then you're the one who did something wrong and he can hold it over you and his cheating is cancelled out.

Ruthietuthie · 08/05/2023 23:08

Just dump him already!
You are wasting your ONE PRECIOUS life worrying about the behavior of this disloyal idiot.
Do you want children? If you do, this is the time to be finding someone who you can trust no matter what. Trust to still be by your side when you have an awful birth and are both terrified and he sees you at your worst. Trust to be faithful when you are both exhausted with babies and toddlers and sex isn't a priority for a while. Trust to be self-less when life gets sad as you get ill or parents die or money worries come.
You can't even trust him in these early days of the relationship when you are both you and relatively care free.
He isn't the one for you. Don't waste time trying to work this out.

Sustainablelossofweight · 08/05/2023 23:09

Now you know he has cheated, nights out and holidays in ibiza with the boys are going to be really stressful op. I would throw this one back. Especially as no kids yet etc. If he can't control himself now he's got no hope later.

Enncee · 08/05/2023 23:11

You either trust him or you don't. Cheaters will always find a way regardless of location, if he wants to do it, he doesn't need to go to Ibiza.
It doesn't sound good for either of you, if you feel the need to restrict where he goes, even temporarily. If you're genuinely not happy with him going because you think he might cheat, sounds like you'd be best moving on.

PlantKi1ler · 08/05/2023 23:13

You're cautious about him going because he's already proven himself to be untrustworthy. I understand your concerns but if he wants to cheat again then he will whether it's here or in Ibiza.

I'd question whether having a relationship with someone you can't trust is really worth the heartache and stress that it's bringing to your life. Do you really want to have to look over your shoulder forever more? No one is worth that kind of aggro.

Newbeginnings90 · 08/05/2023 23:19

You are 31 with no children.

In that situation I'd bin him.

Cheating and off on a lads holiday to Ibiza... this is not prioritising building a life together.

Tellmeimcrazy · 08/05/2023 23:21

Notmynight · 08/05/2023 22:54

He’s a good man really. Treats me well. We have had long chats and we want to get though this. I know people do.

He treats you well by cheating on you?

FrostyFifi · 08/05/2023 23:23

I can understand people staying in a long marriage after infidelity, to some extent. It's a deeper, more complex love and a lot of life and shit happens. Children together, a home together, intertwined finances and families, decades together...

But I will never understand why younger unmarried people with no children stay in these damaged relationships after cheating. OP, it's broken. It won't ever be the same. Rip the band-aid off and find an undamaged relationship.

AHulaHula · 08/05/2023 23:24

Where would it stop OP and who/how are the rules made?

No lads holidays, but a lads night out? If not now, when? What about work trips and nights out? Do he have to show you his phone messages?

You can either trust him or you can’t.

Hope it works out for you.

Mamai90 · 08/05/2023 23:30

Aquamarine1029 · 08/05/2023 22:53

Your relationship is over, so let it be over. The trust is gone.

Trust can be rebuilt. It takes time of course but some people do.

But OP if I was the one who cheated I wouldn't even entertain the idea of the holiday, I'd be too concerned about repairing my broken relationship. If he still wants to go I think he's telling you all you need to know.

JudgeRudy · 08/05/2023 23:35

You've said he's OK with not going on holiday. He's not. If he was he would have just cancelled it. He's going to loose money and he's going to miss a fun holiday.
Are you actually back together or talking about it?
How did you find out about the cheating? What werw the circumstances? It doesnt sound to me like you trust him. Its likely this one cant be fixed.
Maybe tell him you're not sure how you feel and say you'll have this conversation again after Ibiza? Let him go as a 'free' man and see what occurs. If he genuinely wants you back he won't be pulling on holiday.

AnyFucker · 08/05/2023 23:49

Why are you even with a bloke in his 30’s who goes on Ibiza trips with “the lads”

That tells me all I need to know before you even mention the history of cheating. The very next chance he gets he will be trying to crawl inside some 19 year old’s knickers

This is what you have chosen to live with. Get used to it.

Mari9999 · 08/05/2023 23:51

OP, you are still a partner, you have not become his warden nor his jailer.
He may have cheated , but that does not mean that you get to dictate his comings and goings. He is not obligated to become joined to your hip in order to help you develop trust. You maybe need to see a counselor or therapist to get help with healthy strategies for getting your relationship on track.

TedMullins · 08/05/2023 23:53

I understand why you feel like you do but no, it is not reasonable to tell another adult what they can and can’t do. I agree with all the other posts saying that if he’s going to cheat again there are a million easier ways to do it than going to Ibiza - he could simply download a dating app or pick someone up in the local pub. I also agree that if you don’t trust him you shouldn’t be with him. If he was a good man who treated you well he wouldn’t have cheated in the first place. Walk away. You’ll get over him.

EllandRd · 09/05/2023 00:01

Notmynight · 08/05/2023 22:47

But I just think he should be close to me for a bit so I can rebuild my trust in him

Don't take him back then OP. You have no right to stop him going on holiday, raise your standards and dump him.

mydoghasanattitude · 09/05/2023 00:01

He's free to go if he wants, but OP can tell him what the 'rules' are for earning back her trust. Nothing wrong with telling him what she needs from him, and he can decide if she's worth it to him! I'd expect him to make some sacrifices to win back my faith. It's not a lot to ask when the relationship is still in recovery mode.

Okthenhun · 09/05/2023 00:05

OMG dump him. Please do not waste any more of your life on this loser. Take it from experienced women who have done our time.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 09/05/2023 00:07

mydoghasanattitude · 09/05/2023 00:01

He's free to go if he wants, but OP can tell him what the 'rules' are for earning back her trust. Nothing wrong with telling him what she needs from him, and he can decide if she's worth it to him! I'd expect him to make some sacrifices to win back my faith. It's not a lot to ask when the relationship is still in recovery mode.

If you have to institute ’rules’ in a relationship, it’s doomed

saltinesandcoffeecups · 09/05/2023 00:10

saltinesandcoffeecups · 09/05/2023 00:07

If you have to institute ’rules’ in a relationship, it’s doomed

Show quote history

@mydoghasanattitude Oh god and no …he doesn’t get to decide if she’s worth it. She should know that that she is worth trust, honesty, love, and respect! If she feels he’s not giving her those things then she should end it.

ThingsthatgoBumpintheDay · 09/05/2023 00:13

Notmynight · 08/05/2023 22:47

But I just think he should be close to me for a bit so I can rebuild my trust in him

I get what you’re saying, I really do but it just doesn’t work like that unfortunately. Wouldn’t it be nice to have our cheating partners with us 24/7 to make sure they’re not up to anything. In an ideal world. But realistically if you want to make a go of things with him then ultimately he has to live his life as do you.

That isn’t saying he shouldn’t be dedicating himself to proving he won’t F up again. But I think stopping him from a holiday will definitely not help either. If he’s going to cheat again he will no matter what. That’s the chance you take when you give a cheater another chance.

sweetgingercat · 09/05/2023 00:13

Trust takes time to build again, it’s not something that either happens or doesn’t. You can demand he doesn’t go and if he’s remorseful and caring and understands that he is the cause of your anxiety, then he won’t.

if, however he resents you and insists on going then he has probably not taken the things he has done to you to heart. From this point onwards, everything you do as a couple is a test. Can he restore your trust, can you get over it?

if you think it’s a relationship worth saving (and unlike all the mumsnetters queuing up to say LTB, you know him) then you might have a conversation where you agree that he will do things on the holiday to demonstrate his commitment, like ring you when he goes to bed, agree not to get drunk etc etc.

monsteramunch · 09/05/2023 00:13

Do you want to be a mum at some point OP?

Because you'll never fully trust him again.

You'll always get at least a little bit of a pang of panic when he goes on nights out etc.

I couldn't start a family with someone I felt that way about.

So I would end it now rather than spending your most fertile remaining years with him.

It's a huge gamble to take on someone who has already let you down and broken your trust.

Brittl · 09/05/2023 00:15

You are 31 stop wasting your time on losers if you want a stable family. Policing and monitoring him isn't going to stop him cheating.

Suprima · 09/05/2023 00:26

Notmynight · 08/05/2023 23:03

He is ok with not going but I feel bad that I don’t want him to go.

I feel bad that you are being such a doormat and clinging on to this dogshit relationship

You can do better than someone who cheats on you

The trust isn’t coming back

(and tbh he’s probably more likely to cheat on you now because you’ve shown how little you think of yourself.)

Swipe left for the next trending thread