To be pissed off at friend & husband

[Over40Overdating]

Bit of a rant! And long - sorry!

I’ve been friends with A for many years. She’s a brilliant friend and I would trust her with my life. Since she met her husband, B, 5 years ago, he has been involved in every part of our friendship.
It’s been bloody irritating but she says she likes that he wants to be friends with her friends so I have tolerated it for her.

B isn’t a bad man but has zero social skills and finds himself the most fascinating subject of all time.
He contradicts people, says inappropriate things and will interrupt conversations to start monologing about whatever is on his mind.

It makes spending time together really dull and hard.

A&B had a baby last year and in January moved quite far away (plane ride) to get support from family.
A made me promise I would visit as soon as possible. I said I would but there just hasn’t been time yet : I have been working on a really high stress project that often needed 60 hour weeks and when it came to an end recently I was able to take 2 weeks off : my first break in 4 months to literally crash and rest and catch up on boring domestic stuff.

She messaged me over the weekend to say ‘now that you’ve taken all this time to yourself, I need to know when are you coming to see us’. I replied honestly that I don’t know - work is in flux, I may or may not be made redundant in the coming months and as I’ve just taken 2 weeks off I’ll have to wait to see how everyone else’s diary lines up.

No reply - this is unusual. I thought she’d be disappointed as I know she is lonely and struggling with B as her only social outlet but would give her a call today

I woke up this morning to a string of messages from B berating me for upsetting his wife, being a selfish friend and pretty much demanding I come NOW as he ‘won’t be happy’ with me til I do.

This is not the first time he’s sent me messages making demands or telling me I’ve offended him by not doing what he thinks is best and on every other occasion I’ve checked if A knew and she hadn’t so I’ve told him he’s being inappropriate and patronising and cut it out.

Except today he says she does know he’s messaging me and fully supports it and I ‘should do as he says’.

I am pretty livid right now so haven’t replied.

I don’t think she’s in a controlling or coercive relationship and he treats her very well but this passive aggressive stuff now being at her instigation is both disappointing and pissing me off.

And right now the last thing I want to do is make the effort to take a 2 hour plane ride to sleep on a sofa (they have made it clear they expect me to stay with them to ‘make the most of the time’) with two people who seem to think I’m so very awful and selfish anyway!

AIBU to think ‘away off and shite the pair of you’?!

At least you now know that you are not the only one who thinks he is being a controlling asshole. From your point of view, you don't have to put up with his BS. On the other hand now that your friend knows that you know, maybe she can talk to you (privately obviously) about what is going on in her life and can turn to you if needed.

She also knows that he is the reason that the rest of your friends have dumped her so she is not completely oblivious to his carry on.

The way he acted on your video call just makes him sound like more of an idiot that ever. Jeez,

I have no advice OP but wanted to say what a fantastic friend you are. You're drawing clear boundaries for yourself and also around him, who sounds insufferable, whilst still giving your friend a safe space to speak and share with you.

Well done, OP. There is something very off about him.

This.

I would encourage her to tell her family the truth.

He has major issues that cannot be resolved and she needs to realise there is NO fixing him or this.

She has a long life ahead of her and she has an obligation to her child to keep them safe.

I would be very concerned as to how he might react to a challenging toddler and child.

She really needs to tell her family the truth.

Her husband is an idiot. Rude and offensive too

Use your holidays how you want with people who treat you well.

Don't bother responding to his rudeness.

I had a similar face-to-face situation with a friend recently, again a husband and wife who are always socialising together. Rude and aggressive and insulting in public. I won't be contacting them again, they are not friends.

It's up to you but it looks like you at least need to lay down some ground rules if you do contact / see them and pretty urgently too.

Bloody hell. She needs to get rid of him!

You say it’s not a controlling relationship??… yet he sets up group WhatsApp and she isn’t allowed to see you without him tagging along?? That sounds extremely unhealthy and controlling!
I admire your willpower to stick around.. I couldn’t socialise with a friend if her husband had to be there and I’d tell her so!
If he isn’t controlling / abusive then I’d guess he’s on the autistic spectrum as this level of social awkwardness isn’t normal.

I would take this as a HUGE opportunity to tell your friend that her husband is damaging to your friendship and you want to see her without him in future… tell her it is not normal for someone’s husband to be so involved in friendships and that for that reason you will be blocking him as he does not need to text you EVER! Tell her when you visit you’ll be staying in a B&B as need your space away from him and would rather go out with her and baby alone so you can actually catch up! I would hate that, it sounds awful and I really couldn’t be bothered to visit someone if their husband was like this bloke. Your friend has to be a little odd to think this is ok!

More sad face and - literally - rubbing his fists against his eyes pretending to cry and saying boo hoo ‘B is just a big bully for trying to get his two favorite ladies together and see them happy. What a bad man B is’.

Goodness me! There really is a pot for every lid if she finds him attractive.

Following your latest text conversation with your friend, it seems she is very aware of her husband's behaviour and how it has affected her various friendships. How she isn't feeling frustrated or just plain fucking angry about the consequences of his behaviour, is beyond me as I don't think I could ever tolerate that shit. It's cringingly embarrassing. (My DP has previously wanted to be involved in conversations with my girlfriends when they come round but I just say to him 'you've said your hello's to be polite, now bugger off'.)

Her getting him to sort his shit out is her/their problem though and not yours. Given your previous comments about your own MH, you need to ensure you don't take on anything from her that you're not prepared to help with.

Obviously you want to maintain your friendship with her but she has to accept that it will be without his interference which, by the sounds of it hasn't been a concern for her but if she now realises that his behaviour relating to your friendship isn't 'right', then hopefully she'll start seeing where his behaviour isn't 'right' in other aspects of her life and keep challenging him/putting him back in his box until he admits to having issues and sorts himself out by getting some external help.

You sound a lovely friend OP. I hope you're able to salvage the friendship somehow.

Just no.
No way would I be spoken to like that.

If you genuinely value your friend speak to her and explain what you’ve said, if she’s a true friend of course she will understand.
If you do go after that explain that you really need some 1-1 time and not have her DH there all the time, as he’s a nice man but you’ve not come to see him. Be polite but VERY BLUNT if you have to- “come on X, you’ve been here all day and I need some 1-1 time with Y- why don’t we go out for lunch and leave you with the baby, you’re so good with them” or take your friend to one side and say you’re just a bit charted out with him and want some time alone.
And stay in a hotel whatever they say- you’ll need the downtime and it will show them that you don’t get pushed around by anyone.

Simply tell her that her friendship is really important to you, and that you want to maintain it. But you simply cannot be around her husband any more. That you really wanted to come and visit as soon as you know your job is secure, but his behaviour in those messages and on the zoom call has made staying at their place simply untenable.

Make it clear that your friendship and communication can only be with her from now on.

I have no idea what 'away off and shite' means?

Anyhow, he sounds like a dick and tbh, just because he appears to treat her well, does NOT mean that she's def not in an abusive relationship. He thinks he's above women, that much is clear.

I'm in Glasgow and we say "away and shite", which basically means fuck off. Even just "och, away!" means don't talk nonsense 😂

See also "Away and..."

...raffle yer doughnut
...run up my ribs
...fling shite at yersel

Away and shite is another way of saying - awa wie yeh, yeh haverin erse/cuddy.

Prersonally @amusedbush , I go for ‘away an’ bile yer heid ‘. (While cursing predictive text which really wants to sort the spelling…)

In the North East we say "Hadaway and shite"

Leave it til you’ve cooled down and call your friend directly . Time does move on …and people meet partners we don’t particularly care for, but as you have been friends for so long the friendship may have a future if you can talk honestly and without judgement. It’s your life and you have a right not to be bullied , abused or bulldozed 😳 there’s NO way l’d visit in these circumstances ! Who knows what would happen when you get there .

He sounds insufferable.

I suppose as is often the way it started gradually.

Do you think she is afraid to stand up to him?

I mean most women would be mortified by his behaviour & told him to piss off after that display, not be making excuses for him!

A classic!

Didn't get that last bit but I get the general gist! Thanks

Not surprised the husband doesn't have any friends of his own.

I feel for you OP and your friend after the last update as she is clearly aware of what he's like.

I think you have to be very clear; "I won't be pretending to have a friendship with him. I'm your friend, always. If you only ever come as a pair now that will not work for me.

If this marriage is costing you other friendships then the choice is yours whether you're going to drop those friendships or insist on seeing friends alone."

He sounds very very similar to two men friends of mine have gotten involved with. I'll call them Friend A and Friend B.

Friend A was my best, closest friend. She got involved with a man, let's call him Harold. She was a great friend, my only small criticism in hindsight of our friendship was whenever she was in a relationship she always morphed into each her boyfriend's perfect partner (stepford wife / party girl snorting cocaine making out with other females for attention / blokey girl watching footie and drinking pints). Harold immediately wanted to hang around with her but gang of mates and move in with her family. We readily accepted him but he was very difficult, always offended by everyone and everything. I noticed she was becoming the same. One day she stopped talking to me and never gave me any explanation beyond "I'm not talking to you, if you can't figure out why that's all I need to know." Ten years later I'm still in the dark. She lives five minutes up the road and none of our mutual friends are in touch with her anymore.

Friend B is a far sadder. Her husband isolated her so successfully from all of her family that when she developed a terminal illness he only allowed them in for five minutes to her deathbed to say goodbye. She had phoned from the hospital landline and written letters to all of them telling them how much she loved them but she had to choose her husband as he wouldn't allow her have both.

Good grief, this guy has issues.

You sound like a lovely friend op, and your friend must have the patience of a Saint!

More sad face and - literally - rubbing his fists against his eyes pretending to cry and saying boo hoo ‘B is just a big bully for trying to get his two favorite ladies together and see them happy. What a bad man B is’.

Christ but he is a manipulative shit, isn't he. I think I'd try to maintain some form of friendship with her, whilst having no contact with him. At some stage, with luck, she'll want to get away from him and she'll need a friend when she does.

This.
Exactly. Go on your own terms. Remove him from all your arrangements.
Stay in a hotel. Suggest he take the baby and she spend a day/evening with you without him. Don't go through him to get to her. He sounds extremely controlling and I'm getting red flags here. It's not normal. Who can be so bothered to set up a Whats App group with your spouses friends? It's just very odd.