To be pissed off at friend & husband

[Over40Overdating]

Bit of a rant! And long - sorry!

I’ve been friends with A for many years. She’s a brilliant friend and I would trust her with my life. Since she met her husband, B, 5 years ago, he has been involved in every part of our friendship.
It’s been bloody irritating but she says she likes that he wants to be friends with her friends so I have tolerated it for her.

B isn’t a bad man but has zero social skills and finds himself the most fascinating subject of all time.
He contradicts people, says inappropriate things and will interrupt conversations to start monologing about whatever is on his mind.

It makes spending time together really dull and hard.

A&B had a baby last year and in January moved quite far away (plane ride) to get support from family.
A made me promise I would visit as soon as possible. I said I would but there just hasn’t been time yet : I have been working on a really high stress project that often needed 60 hour weeks and when it came to an end recently I was able to take 2 weeks off : my first break in 4 months to literally crash and rest and catch up on boring domestic stuff.

She messaged me over the weekend to say ‘now that you’ve taken all this time to yourself, I need to know when are you coming to see us’. I replied honestly that I don’t know - work is in flux, I may or may not be made redundant in the coming months and as I’ve just taken 2 weeks off I’ll have to wait to see how everyone else’s diary lines up.

No reply - this is unusual. I thought she’d be disappointed as I know she is lonely and struggling with B as her only social outlet but would give her a call today

I woke up this morning to a string of messages from B berating me for upsetting his wife, being a selfish friend and pretty much demanding I come NOW as he ‘won’t be happy’ with me til I do.

This is not the first time he’s sent me messages making demands or telling me I’ve offended him by not doing what he thinks is best and on every other occasion I’ve checked if A knew and she hadn’t so I’ve told him he’s being inappropriate and patronising and cut it out.

Except today he says she does know he’s messaging me and fully supports it and I ‘should do as he says’.

I am pretty livid right now so haven’t replied.

I don’t think she’s in a controlling or coercive relationship and he treats her very well but this passive aggressive stuff now being at her instigation is both disappointing and pissing me off.

And right now the last thing I want to do is make the effort to take a 2 hour plane ride to sleep on a sofa (they have made it clear they expect me to stay with them to ‘make the most of the time’) with two people who seem to think I’m so very awful and selfish anyway!

AIBU to think ‘away off and shite the pair of you’?!

I think sooner or later this friendship is likely to end because you won't be able to deal with the husband. When visiting for a holiday all these issues will be magnified and it will be awful for you because you can't escape after a few hours in the way you could when everyone lived in the same place.

I would try and be honest with your friend and say the husband's interference in the friendship is causing you a great deal of emotional stress (use recent message as an example) and does she see a way how you can continue the friendship independently of him. You appreciate that this might not work for her and that it might be difficult with a baby but that you are not in the right place mentally to put up with the behaviour he's displaying. Your friend might not agree to this but I think it's worth a try as I don't think this friendship has much of a future given the way he is behaving and she is enabling his behaviour.

What are you going on about? OP already said she will come when she is able to, she should not be hounded to visit when she isn’t ready to.

Her friend made the decision to move to another country and that means some of your old friendships will likely change as you make new friends and a new life. There is no justification whatsoever for her friends husband to send her such messages, none whatsoever.

Infact he should not even be involved in their friendship the way he is.

This! ⬆️

This is an excellent strategy.

All the posters advising you to tell him to fuck off etc have got it very wrong, though I understand how tempting and satisfying it would be. This guy needs careful handling, particularly as you want to keep your friendship with her.

Tricky, very tricky.

They have chosen to move away, not you. It will cost you a lot of time, effort ánd money to go and visit them - every time. Because of course if you can visit them now it should be possible every time they feel like wanting you there asap.
I would ask them to move back to your neighbourhood, then you can pop in every now and then - at your own discretion of course, not at the beck and call of B.

Just text her, “too much drama for me, see
You around sometime”

I would absolutely not being going to stay anywhere with him, he is so inappropriate, if she knows then she wouldn’t be what I would consider to be a friend, if she doesn’t he is still beyond creepy, you don’t visit people under duress, I hope you aren’t to upset x

All the posters advising you to tell him to fuck off etc have got it very wrong

I really don’t think they have. OP’s friend is completely failing to see the correlation between all her friends falling by the wayside and her husband being a domineering twat. Maybe if even her best friend says “That’s it, I’m out”, she might finally see that it’s not a case of all her friends being arseholes and her husband being wonderful and loving.

He sounds controlling! I was given great advice when in a similar situation. I gave a date I could come and then said I'd look at flights, had to ok with work etc. And closer to the time to travel, something popped up 🤷‍♀️. Completely out of my control! I move the dates. Life happens and they can't argue.
Alternatively give a date that does suit you - work/job/life situation dependent.

Good luck

I just had a mental picture of what it would be like if my best friend started getting messages from my DH when we're out together hoping she was taking care of his lady. I'm not sure which of us would be quickest to text asking if he was pissed and telling him to fuck right off. And, when I got home, I would make sure to tell him that if he ever did anything so vomit-inducing again he would be sleeping in the shed.

All the posters advising you to tell him to fuck off etc have got it very wrong, though I understand how tempting and satisfying it would be. This guy needs careful handling, particularly as you want to keep your friendship with her.

I'm not sure that's right. There's a danger that, as doubts begin to set in, the situation is actually prolonged because friend keeps telling herself "But Best Friend gets on OK with him, he must be all right". There comes a point when you have to say "I really am your friend, I am there for you, but I'm seriously worried about how your husband is driving away all your other friends because he keeps overstepping the mark and he ignores you every time you tell him to stop. I would love to keep seeing you on your own, but I can't deal with him any longer. If you can't accept that, then I really am sorry but I have to stop back. But if you feel you need support in the future, I won't hesitate to help."

YANBU.

I would copy and paste the message into quotation marks and send it in a message to BOTH of them with the following

" (Insert friends name) I miss you dearly and I would love to meet your baby but I am burnt out and exhausted, I have work issues with regards to possible redundancy. I took 2 weeks off to try and recuperate/catch up on life admin and things that were put aside as I didn't have time around the house and would not have been able to travel to see you guys as I said I am burnt out and worried about my job. I will be over when I am able to which may not be for a long while yet or if you're back here in meantime you're more than welcome to visit "friends name" and baby (leave her husband out of this bit). I don't appreciate the message I received and will not be subject to being spoken to like that. I hope you're well (insert friends name). "

You shouldn't have to walk on eggshells around your friend just because her feelings would be hurt if you told her husband he's being rude, or annoying, etc.

Why are you doing this to yourself?

She is the one who picked this loser. She is the one who prioritizes his fragile ego over her own friendship with you, or your own emotional comfort.

Stop sacrificing yourself for her gain. That isn't what friendship is supposed to be about. If you don't feel comfortable telling your friend that you don't like her husband because he's rude and mean to you and you have no interest in being around him, and you can't have any relationship with her without him being involved, then you don't have a friendship. She is not your friend! She is just someone enabling him in abusing people, and trying to serve up more people from him to abuse since all her other friends had the good sense to stay far away from him!

Right?! Why are so many posters encouraging OP to enable this abusive man even more?

OP, there is nothing you can do to change this guy. THere is nothing you can do to change your friend's insistence on being with a guy like this. They would have to want to change on their own, and show signs of change. Unless you see signs of that happening, I would protect your own mental health and well-being and refuse to be around a man who would treat you like this OR a woman who likes being married to a man like that.

People act like you can somehow save her from herself at your own expense but that's not how this works. He is abusive and unless she was reaching out to me to help her flee from his abuse, I would not want anything to do with a "friend" who let her husband abuse me (and her, and everyone) like that. She is a grown adult who can make her own decisions, rather than some damsel in distress some people are saying you have some kind of duty (or ability) to save from her own horrible choice in men/relationships.

She is clearly choosing being with him above all else, even your friendship. Time for you to put yourself first because they certainly are not.

"Not the first time, no. Previously he’s told me when and where I can invite her out to, taken me to take task for ‘disrespecting’ him and randomly monologing about how I deserve to find a man who will treat me right"

Your friend isn't saying it out loud but this is definitely an abusive relationship, or the beginnings of one.

Normalising controlling behaviour.
Excusing /explaining /justifying controlling behaviour as love.
Alienating friends
Dictating who she sees, where and when.
Insisting on always being present
Answering on her behalf

He's literally text book. As is she, sadly.

She's in denial. There's nothing you can do until she accepts how unhealthy and potentially dangerous her relationship is. And their children will be treated exactly the same way. They will grow up thinking having their every move watched, their every friendship vetted and controlled and being gaslighted, is normal.

I'd ask her if that's what she wants. I'd tell how worried I am and how precarious her situation is.

And just as a final textbook trait....him finding a way to not work and her be home too - also textbook. It means he has eyes on her 24/7.

Do not be fooled - he's pushing your tolerance to the limit as you're the last one to get rid of from her life. Then he can monologue to his heart's content to her about how awful her friends are, how they weren't really friends, how they left her because she's they wanted everything their way on their terms, how he's the only one who truly loves her

He's dangerous. ND or not, this is not acceptable behaviour. This is an abusive, coercive, controlling relationship.

I wish your friend the very best of luck and hope he doesn't manage to push you out too.

PS please know there is no 'choosing' on her part. He has slowly, methodically, intentionally manipulated her to where they are now.

She's not choosing. She's not weak. She's not happy.

She's being controlled and it's not as simple as 'choosing' to get out of the relationship. And those thinking it is have never been in that situation. And even the strongest, confident people can find themselves in such a relationship and only realise when it's usually already damaged friendships, employment, self esteem etc.

There comes a time when you have to put yourself first. You're not being selfish at all. You're exhausted and now you're dealing with job insecurity on top. Both of your lives have changed and you can't be expected to give in to demands of others all the time.
The only thing I would say though, is your friend might have pnd or struggling, reading between the lines. Be very clear in your responses and explain - to both of them..
It's one of those, I'm sorry you feel this way, but it doesn't change anything situations etc.

Why?
Who cares?
Why would op have to travel, just because someone else chose to have a kid?

This is perfect

Who needs friends like these? Invite her to stay with you and only her. If she's having problems with hubby, she may well want a rest from him.

Everything @MadMadaMim says is bang-on correct.

I feel your pain, OP. I'd hate to lose my bestie to a controlling, narcissistic partner. And good for you prioritising your MH over his!

One thing to bear in mind - if she's not fed up with him now, she may well become so after a few years, when the shine has worn off. You could ask yourself if you want to stick around for her in a low-key sort of way until then. Best of luck with it 🍀💐.

That's not friendship to me. That's nasty. I have friends I don't speak to for a year then I call them and we go out- we're there for each other but don't hang off each other. Life is busy. They sound like they have no life. I would end the friendship personally unless they sincerely apologised. I would probably also call this guy or get husband to call him and have a word about his tone.

So we had a zoom this morning - and he was sitting in on it.
Doing sad face with jutting lip and ‘I’m sowwy’ the whole time.

He didn’t mean to upset me and what I have to understand is he is just so desperate for me to visit, and hates seeing his lovely lady missing me and he misses me because I am one of his best friends too that he overstepped the mark. I called him out on the tone of the messages actually being the opposite of friendly excitement and more like bullying and how upsetting it is to receive messages like that.

To be fair she did back me up on that and said the messages were totally inappropriate and he had no place doing that and saying it was on her behalf.

More sad face and - literally - rubbing his fists against his eyes pretending to cry and saying boo hoo ‘B is just a big bully for trying to get his two favorite ladies together and see them happy. What a bad man B is’.

At that point I said I had to go.
He has never been this bad before - it’s honestly like he’s gone a bit mad.

I texted A afterwards to ask if we can have a chat just the two of us because I’m uncomfortable speaking to B now because he seems not to have any sense of how inappropriate his behaviour is and that I’m worried for both of them.

She replied saying she is worried about him too and thinks he may be having a MH crisis as he thought the move would be the answer to all his problems. He’d finally be the breadwinner, he’d have a better job, her family would welcome them with open arms and he’d have a ready made perfect life to slot into. The fact he can only get jobs that are even lower down the chain than in the U.K., she will have to go back to being the main earner and they have no social circle has hit him hard.

She has acknowledged that his way of trying to make friends by taking over her friendships has become a major issue because she is very aware that lots of friends have gone low contact after he’s been particularly ‘on’.

Again she says he can’t help it and discussing it with him just makes it worse because he will refer to it in the next social interaction as if he’s being self deprecating but making sure the friends know he knows they find him difficult.

She sounds exhausted by it. She’s never painted their relationship as picture perfect but has never discussed any of the negatives before either so being this honest is new.

I really feel for your friend. She's in a bad situation there with a controlling husband with a personality disorder.

I'd stay well away if I were you but let her know that you're available any time she needs you. Just not on "his" turf or any time or place where he will be sitting in and supervising your contact.