To be pissed off at friend & husband

[Over40Overdating]

Bit of a rant! And long - sorry!

I’ve been friends with A for many years. She’s a brilliant friend and I would trust her with my life. Since she met her husband, B, 5 years ago, he has been involved in every part of our friendship.
It’s been bloody irritating but she says she likes that he wants to be friends with her friends so I have tolerated it for her.

B isn’t a bad man but has zero social skills and finds himself the most fascinating subject of all time.
He contradicts people, says inappropriate things and will interrupt conversations to start monologing about whatever is on his mind.

It makes spending time together really dull and hard.

A&B had a baby last year and in January moved quite far away (plane ride) to get support from family.
A made me promise I would visit as soon as possible. I said I would but there just hasn’t been time yet : I have been working on a really high stress project that often needed 60 hour weeks and when it came to an end recently I was able to take 2 weeks off : my first break in 4 months to literally crash and rest and catch up on boring domestic stuff.

She messaged me over the weekend to say ‘now that you’ve taken all this time to yourself, I need to know when are you coming to see us’. I replied honestly that I don’t know - work is in flux, I may or may not be made redundant in the coming months and as I’ve just taken 2 weeks off I’ll have to wait to see how everyone else’s diary lines up.

No reply - this is unusual. I thought she’d be disappointed as I know she is lonely and struggling with B as her only social outlet but would give her a call today

I woke up this morning to a string of messages from B berating me for upsetting his wife, being a selfish friend and pretty much demanding I come NOW as he ‘won’t be happy’ with me til I do.

This is not the first time he’s sent me messages making demands or telling me I’ve offended him by not doing what he thinks is best and on every other occasion I’ve checked if A knew and she hadn’t so I’ve told him he’s being inappropriate and patronising and cut it out.

Except today he says she does know he’s messaging me and fully supports it and I ‘should do as he says’.

I am pretty livid right now so haven’t replied.

I don’t think she’s in a controlling or coercive relationship and he treats her very well but this passive aggressive stuff now being at her instigation is both disappointing and pissing me off.

And right now the last thing I want to do is make the effort to take a 2 hour plane ride to sleep on a sofa (they have made it clear they expect me to stay with them to ‘make the most of the time’) with two people who seem to think I’m so very awful and selfish anyway!

AIBU to think ‘away off and shite the pair of you’?!

This.

And for the love of sanity, block the overstepping fuckwit. Draw that line in the sand.

It sounds like the best you can do is to let your friend know that you are there for her but would far rather see her without her husband. And block him from all forms of contact.

YANBU. You had a great friendship, now you don’t. I would cut ties.

You’re best friend just had a baby.. jus that that’s all you need to get on the plane ..

Have the BF found the thread?

Can you block him? I'd be refusing to see or talk to him again. Unfortunately that will reduce your opportunity to be friends but this is the life that she chose. He does sound controlling so keep communication open with her and emphasise you will always be her friend but can no longer tolerate his behaviour. And any time you spend in his company will be severely restricting your opportunity to connect with your friend on any case so largely pointless.

i reckon more likely the friend’s husband has…

Oh my lovely emotional blackmail is never good or acceptable… she moved to have support therefore she is not alone where she has moved too… you didn’t make those life choices for her, she made them and therefore has to suck it up and get on with it. Life is tough, he is a busybody who should get a life rather than interfering in your friendship. That’s just plain weird… he is her life choice and you don’t ever have to be bullied into doing something you either don’t want to do or you don’t have time for. That’s why we have FaceTime and texts, it means it is easy to keep in touch. My best friend lives in the states and we chat away every day to the point you’d swear we lived next door to each other. Your having to work, having a break or being tired is perfectly acceptable… you are human with your own life. I wouldn’t even engage with him at all right after I told him to do one!!! If she was really your dear friend who missed you so much. She would never standby and let her husband abuse and berate you for any reason. It is just not acceptable. Why on earth would you want to spend your time and your money on going to stay with people who treat you that way… I would close the door… I really would. If she allowed this, she is a self serving madam and he is her enabler and you are totally and utterly better without either of them

Personally I would contact my friend directly.. not by text but talk on the phone. I'd let her know that I know she's probably post-natal and lonely and that you fully intend to visit her and the baby and you are so looking forward to meeting up again.
However I would make it very clear that horrible, rude, bullying, abusive & demanding messages from her husband to you are NOT on and are NOT acceptable and you refuse to answer any such correspondence and will, from now on, be having nothing to do with him.
I would say to my friend that when i come to visit, I am staying in a hotel for 2 nights and would love her and the baby to meet up, go shopping, have lunch, have drinks/dinner (let dad babysit that night)
I would also block her hubby's phone number and if he has been using hers I would let her know, in no uncertain terms, that any such messages coming to you from her phone, it will also be blocked.
If more messages arrive like this - block the phone number(s) and leave it up to her. She still has your number and, if she wants to remain your friend, she will know how to contact you.
If you hear nothing... move on and make new friends, enjoy your career and your life. Good Luck!
p.s. if the 2 day visit works but then if he shows up at all, walk away. Neither of them have respected your wishes or your feelings. Just leave and don't look back.

You need to have 2 separate conversations with your friend.

one - that you will visit as soon as you’re practically able.

two - douche bag husband/wanting to spend time with just your friend.

Ooops... yes, that's who I meant! I said BF, meant H.

He sounds toxic, controlling, and overbearing. It may be time to inform your friend that his behavior is driving everyone away and that you are done dealing with him and have blocked him. And, in future, will only engage with her one on one. It may well sink your friendship as he will likely refuse to back off, but it may give her food for thought and help her enforce boundaries before he has completely taken over her life.

TBH there isn’t a way to have a conversation about not wanting the DH there which isn’t going to result in the loss of a friendship.

If any poster here posted that their best friend had said they would like to see them but without their dh and that they didn’t want their dh to be involved at all the response would be that the OP and their DH are a team and that it was incredibly rude for the friend to take issue with the dh. Even if that friend had valid reason to.

The truth is that friend and DH come as a team, and while he sounds like a monumental arsehole, he is the one she has chosen, and if her relationship is a strong one, it’s unreasonable to expect to shut him out of parts of her life because her friends have said so.

I might tell her why she is losing friends, but you can’t really go any further than that.

The friendship as you know it is over. There’s no going back unless the marriage doesn’t survive, and maybe then she will come back.

But tbh I would cut her off as well.

It definitely isn't OK to send 'a string of messages from B berating me' to your wife's best friend with or without her knowledge. Sooner you talk to her direct, the better. Better if she came to stay with you in any case since he is such a loser!

I wish I’d known this sooner. All these years I’ve been paying those pesky air fares. If I’d know I could’ve just said “Bestie’s had a baby innit?” and sailed through the barrier, I’d be on holiday every fortnight.

Hmm I think he wanted to cause these issues and is happy to come between you, while appearing oh so concerned for her wellbeing. IMO his modus operandi is to drive one big wedge between you, and he just is desperate for you to give her some kind of ultimatum. Then he can say 'but all I want is for you to be happy! I was trying to get her to visit!! Look! I've got your best interests at heart!' all the while trying to get you fuck the fuck off.

This guy might be socially inept, but I don't think he's an idiot. I reckon he's slowly isolating her until she's got no-one left except him.

I personally would continue to see her and message her, and grey rock him.

Red flags everywhere for this guy

If he wasn’t in the picture would you be avoiding her like this? Sounds a lot like you are looking for excuses not to see her cos he’s a drag…. Which happens, relationships change but I don’t think you can keep pretending it’s because you’re busy, it’s because you’re putting it off

He has usurped the friendship, from the sound if it. Unless you are submissive by nature, telling you what to do is a surefire way of making you refuse to do it. Maybe contact your friend direct - phone instead of text - and ask her to elucidate. He might have discouraged her from being in contact with you on a one to one basis because it threatens his control of the relationship with you. He sounds a trip.

He sounds like a controlling loon. Maybe let him think he is being tolerated so that you can keep an eye on your friend...

I think unlikely that she would be aggressively demanding in the way you describe he was. Not sure why he is butting in and why you and she are letting him. It sounds quite like playground behaviour. If she is desperate to see you she has let you know but as adults we have to accept that life gets in the way. Also decisions they made re moving have consequences which they have to take responsibility for. The onus isn’t on you to solve that.

My god you’re tired
your body and mind are telling to to not make any plans or commitments-
zilch.
no one’s listening. Don’t go. Take care of yourself or you won’t be good for anyone. How dare he badger you. How dare she.
just tell her again the truth you are exhausted and need to recover. And you’re very sorry. And have as good a rest as you can.🤗

You did the right thing taking the time for yourself to have a break, also glad you contacted your friend directly, don’t drop her just because of him.

I would suggest to stay close by so you have a bed and a proper break and also plan some times in advance where you will be with your friend by yourself.

He sounds ghastly.Go and see her by all means but stay in a hotel a couple of nights and keep away from the ridiculous hubby.Maybe he'll get the message.

What you haven't said is how other friends feel about the relationship or are you the only person she has contact with. Given she is a friend you would trust with your life (these friends are very hard to come by), am confused. Were you jealous of their relationship / does the husband have by any chance a condition i.e. Autism or something similar that makes him the way he is? Whatever, given your friend left in Jan then it is only three months and a call for help should be answered. I would go for a weekend, stay in my own apartment close by and see what the story is. I would do that for such a close friend, rather than regret after that I had done nothing when a call had been sent out.