To be pissed off at friend & husband

[Over40Overdating]

Bit of a rant! And long - sorry!

I’ve been friends with A for many years. She’s a brilliant friend and I would trust her with my life. Since she met her husband, B, 5 years ago, he has been involved in every part of our friendship.
It’s been bloody irritating but she says she likes that he wants to be friends with her friends so I have tolerated it for her.

B isn’t a bad man but has zero social skills and finds himself the most fascinating subject of all time.
He contradicts people, says inappropriate things and will interrupt conversations to start monologing about whatever is on his mind.

It makes spending time together really dull and hard.

A&B had a baby last year and in January moved quite far away (plane ride) to get support from family.
A made me promise I would visit as soon as possible. I said I would but there just hasn’t been time yet : I have been working on a really high stress project that often needed 60 hour weeks and when it came to an end recently I was able to take 2 weeks off : my first break in 4 months to literally crash and rest and catch up on boring domestic stuff.

She messaged me over the weekend to say ‘now that you’ve taken all this time to yourself, I need to know when are you coming to see us’. I replied honestly that I don’t know - work is in flux, I may or may not be made redundant in the coming months and as I’ve just taken 2 weeks off I’ll have to wait to see how everyone else’s diary lines up.

No reply - this is unusual. I thought she’d be disappointed as I know she is lonely and struggling with B as her only social outlet but would give her a call today

I woke up this morning to a string of messages from B berating me for upsetting his wife, being a selfish friend and pretty much demanding I come NOW as he ‘won’t be happy’ with me til I do.

This is not the first time he’s sent me messages making demands or telling me I’ve offended him by not doing what he thinks is best and on every other occasion I’ve checked if A knew and she hadn’t so I’ve told him he’s being inappropriate and patronising and cut it out.

Except today he says she does know he’s messaging me and fully supports it and I ‘should do as he says’.

I am pretty livid right now so haven’t replied.

I don’t think she’s in a controlling or coercive relationship and he treats her very well but this passive aggressive stuff now being at her instigation is both disappointing and pissing me off.

And right now the last thing I want to do is make the effort to take a 2 hour plane ride to sleep on a sofa (they have made it clear they expect me to stay with them to ‘make the most of the time’) with two people who seem to think I’m so very awful and selfish anyway!

AIBU to think ‘away off and shite the pair of you’?!

Sorry but its completely controlling-you say shes happy with it but its like the boiling frog she doesnt even r4ealise its happening because its been over a long period
who doesnt have friends they can see without their dh being there-if my dh interfered like that id tell him to get fucked-shes going to be so isolated one day with noone to talk to because of him

👏👏👏

No to the pp who said we'd all say theyre a team-your frindship is bwetween 2 friends it is not automatically adding on a husband

my dh has met my friends and yes been out a few times but i dont drag him along to every meet up or even shes my friend not his

I’d block his number. He is a prick. Then just arrange to have a phone call with A.

You are a much nicer person than me, I would have ignored him, and pulled right back from the friendship. Personally making sure my life is in order is far more important than dropping everything because your friend has realised her new life is falling apart and the rest of your friends have made it clear they can’t bare the husband so your are the special one who gets the guilt trip. The audacity of him to to continually message you, telling you off like a child. She knows he does this and thinks it’s totally fine.

If any poster here posted that their best friend had said they would like to see them but without their dh and that they didn’t want their dh to be involved at all the response would be that the OP and their DH are a team and that it was incredibly rude for the friend to take issue with the dh. Even if that friend had valid reason to.

Nope. If a friend wanted to see me, separate from my DP, I'd find that perfectly normal. We're a team, but I also have a separate identity and separate friendships, as does he. We don't impose ourselves on each other's friendships.

I'd also read between the lines. If someone said their friend wanted to see them, separate from their husband, I would wonder if the husband was trying to insert himself into friendships, and if so, why.

I'd love a friend like you.

Reply to both of them… this ensures she is in the loop & that both of them know they’ve overstepped the mark

Surely they are both grown ups that know that when you are an employee, you have to take your leave in line with not just your project work but also team members’ leave too… i have 20 days to take but can’t just fuck off all of July…

point out that as it’ll be a sofa visit, that you’d like to have a day off before going back to work too & that as a) this will take your leave, b) you’re possibly being made redundant, c) this will cost money and d) they aren’t exactly making you welcome are they???? Maybe they’ll (A will) see how messed up the situ has been…

if I were them I’d be making sure I could actually host people with comfy bed (can still be a sofa) and offering up front to pick up from airport etc and also understanding if people can’t physically make it and maybe trying to do some video calls instead….

good luck

This

Block him.

When (if) you hear back from A, let her know you're not comfortable with B messaging you and taking control of your friendship.

I think I'd ignore him, and only message the friend. I honestly don't think I could visit as it's so far away, and my back couldn't take a sofa. Surely when they decided to move countries, they must have factored in that friends/family may not see them anymore?

@MMAS we have mutual friends all of whom have pulled back because they find him overbearing.

Absolutely no jealousy - I was very happy for her to find someone to marry & have children with as that’s been her priority as long as I’ve known her.

He may be ND but it’s not a discussion she will allow.

She’s not calling for help, she’s asking me to visit. If anything my MH has been in a worse state than hers! And so I’ve prioritised my needs over visiting. I’m not ashamed of or inclined to feel guilty about it.

Besides which, given how tired and burned out I have been, my tolerance levels for her husband would have been zero. And I don’t fancy jail in a foreign country.

Wow, OP. I read all your updates and there is something very off about that man.

I can't believe he didn't even let her zoom her friends on her own.

He sounds controlling. I do feel sorry for your friend, but it sounds like she chose this. You haven't.

I would make it clear to your friend that your friendship is important to you, but her husband needs to back off and not message you again. If she doesn't accept that, your friendship is likely going to be over.

To be honest, it does sound like she lost quite a few friendships because of him already. Sadly, I don't think she will realize how much he is isolating her until it's too late.

If my DH spoke to my friends like hers did, or if he tried to interject himself into every conversation & catch up with my friends, I would be terrified and embarrassed.

He seems to be the bad egg in the situation. Your friendship is primarily with her so why don’t you message her and tell her that you don’t like the way he behaves and that u would prefer if communication is between you and her from now on. Don’t give up on her, in case she is an abusive relationship. She might need your some day. But the way they are treating you is wrong and the fact that she allows him to treat u this way makes me wonder what is going on behind closed doors.

@Norberta I guess I am avoiding visiting in a way - I can only deal with him when I’m in a good place, mentally. When I’m tired or stressed I am MUCH more likely to snap or roll my eyes at him which I don’t like doing as it makes her uncomfortable, so I am waiting until I’m rested and ready to let the nonsense bounce off me!

Def this

Also tho a previous poster had said:

"him having no social skills and droning on would make me wonder if he is narcissistic?"

It would make me wonder if he is autistic...

He’s controlling and it’s concerning. His lack of friends and no job is also a big worry. Go visit and stay in a hotel - go for a women’s only spa day with your friend as a surprise so he can’t intervene and leave baby with him. She needs to be away from him for a few hours to find out what is happening.

Is the move to be nearer his family or hers?

I think her choice of this man as her life partner says something about her judgement and values that would be ultimately be a friendship deal-breaker for me.

Thank you for such a quick response. Given how angry you are, probably best to not visit and look after yourself. Maybe send a message about visiting once situation in work has been clarified and leave it at that. Waiting to know if being made redundant is awful - clearly that must come first for you and, your friend must surely appreciate that. I wish you both well and hope you have a happy reunion at some stage. In any event, a separate apartment does sound the way to go when going there.

@MayThe4th This is what worries me. I really don’t think she has an issue with him wanting to be around all the time and if I say I want to see her without him, the answer will likely be no. Which is why I have bitten my tongue for so long.

On the occasions we have been out without him we both got messages asking if we were having a good time without him, how sad he was not to be there and how he hoped I was taking good care of ‘his lady’ ‘for him’. Even when he is not around he has to make himself known.

She likes that kind of attention - her reaction is awww how sweet rather than awww ffs, which is what mine would be!

Just block him and avoid the drama

OP I'm sorry you're going through this, you've hung in longer than most - as evidenced by the rest of your mutual friends stepping back.

I understand you're reluctant to let your friend go but things can't go on like this - you're being disregarded entirely.

Stick with the no response to him forever. Block him and ignore. Visit when and if you want to and stay in a hotel. He probably won't let friend meet you alone so assess honestly it the friendship in this new arrangement is worth it.

I'm so sorry. A friend of mine ended up with a man like this and unfortunately it didn't end well.

YANBU - only go if and when you want to. Your life does not revolve around her and her baby. If you're her only friend she'll need to get out more. Sure there are plenty of baby groups she can go to.

😳

Could he be the reason you haven’t heard from her ? I know you said she doesn’t appear to be in an abusive or controlling relationship, but his behaviour towards you doesn’t really bear that out. Appearances can be deceptive and you never know what’s going on behind closed doors. Whether or not she knows, I’d step back because it sounds like this is becoming toxic.