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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off at friend & husband

358 replies

Over40Overdating · 08/05/2023 13:13

Bit of a rant! And long - sorry!

I’ve been friends with A for many years. She’s a brilliant friend and I would trust her with my life. Since she met her husband, B, 5 years ago, he has been involved in every part of our friendship.
It’s been bloody irritating but she says she likes that he wants to be friends with her friends so I have tolerated it for her.

B isn’t a bad man but has zero social skills and finds himself the most fascinating subject of all time.
He contradicts people, says inappropriate things and will interrupt conversations to start monologing about whatever is on his mind.

It makes spending time together really dull and hard.

A&B had a baby last year and in January moved quite far away (plane ride) to get support from family.
A made me promise I would visit as soon as possible. I said I would but there just hasn’t been time yet : I have been working on a really high stress project that often needed 60 hour weeks and when it came to an end recently I was able to take 2 weeks off : my first break in 4 months to literally crash and rest and catch up on boring domestic stuff.

She messaged me over the weekend to say ‘now that you’ve taken all this time to yourself, I need to know when are you coming to see us’. I replied honestly that I don’t know - work is in flux, I may or may not be made redundant in the coming months and as I’ve just taken 2 weeks off I’ll have to wait to see how everyone else’s diary lines up.

No reply - this is unusual. I thought she’d be disappointed as I know she is lonely and struggling with B as her only social outlet but would give her a call today

I woke up this morning to a string of messages from B berating me for upsetting his wife, being a selfish friend and pretty much demanding I come NOW as he ‘won’t be happy’ with me til I do.

This is not the first time he’s sent me messages making demands or telling me I’ve offended him by not doing what he thinks is best and on every other occasion I’ve checked if A knew and she hadn’t so I’ve told him he’s being inappropriate and patronising and cut it out.

Except today he says she does know he’s messaging me and fully supports it and I ‘should do as he says’.

I am pretty livid right now so haven’t replied.

I don’t think she’s in a controlling or coercive relationship and he treats her very well but this passive aggressive stuff now being at her instigation is both disappointing and pissing me off.

And right now the last thing I want to do is make the effort to take a 2 hour plane ride to sleep on a sofa (they have made it clear they expect me to stay with them to ‘make the most of the time’) with two people who seem to think I’m so very awful and selfish anyway!

AIBU to think ‘away off and shite the pair of you’?!

OP posts:
MrsSkylerWhite · 08/05/2023 13:15

YANBU. Things change, time to move on.

WalterWitty · 08/05/2023 13:20

they seem to think they’re the centre of your world and are offended you haven’t made an effort to see them. They moved less than 5 months ago and expect you to pay yourself to go and spend your free time with them…Mmmkay…

MayBeeJuneSoon · 08/05/2023 13:23

Just reply back

'Do as you say? Well no, no I won't'

RandomMess · 08/05/2023 13:24

Have you actually spoken to her and confirmed she is fully aware of what and how he has said those things?

Rachie1973 · 08/05/2023 13:26

RandomMess · 08/05/2023 13:24

Have you actually spoken to her and confirmed she is fully aware of what and how he has said those things?

Yes. I’d still check. He might tell you that precisely to stop you asking her.

Hankunamatata · 08/05/2023 13:26

Reply that your happy for her to come her and visit with baby but you will have to work.

Fandabedodgy · 08/05/2023 13:26

If you go. You go when it suits you and you stay in a hotel.

But in the meantime they should away and raffle themselves

Crikeyohreilly · 08/05/2023 13:27

I don’t think you are being u reasonable as such but I do think you need to try and see it from their side too. B is protecting his wife - overstepping for sure but she’s obviously struggling and misses you dearly. Your life is different now and is quite fast paced by the sounds of it but it seems like she is just desperate to see you. Are they right absolutely not but I do think you’d benefit from seeing their side just a fraction to prevent the ruining of your long friendship

ExpatInSlavikLand · 08/05/2023 13:27

Can't you just go over for a long weekend? It sounds like she's in Western or Central Europe, and there are surely plenty of cheap options to fly from your respective nearest airport(s)?

It sounds like your friend is extremely lonely and isolated and has been counting (perhaps too strongly, but that can't be helped) on seeing her dear, close friend, and the fact that she has to keep asking and asking and asking about when you'll visit (as you did promise!), only to be fobbed off or given vague answers, will really have been upsetting her.

Sometimes, being a good friend is all about making sacrifices, even if you are tired and not 100 percent yourself. This time is one of them.

Or, do you feel you do all the running and she's never/would never turn up to support you if it meant a short plane ride (2 hours isn't long, sorry)?

If you don't want to sour and eventually lose your friendship with her, get some tickets booked. Otherwise, she might stop asking.

However, her husband sounds like a dick towards you (though clearly very loving and protective towards your friend) so I would have a stern talk with your friend (when you're there) about stopping him from contacting you like this.

forrestgreen · 08/05/2023 13:28

'Brilliant, if you send over £x which will cover a weeks unpaid leave and my return plane ticket I'll get right onto booking it'

How dare they move and tell you how you should spend your money and holidays. Bloody entitled.

batsandeggs · 08/05/2023 13:29

What did his messages actually say?

Original poster
Over40Overdating · 08/05/2023 13:29

RandomMess · 08/05/2023 13:24

Have you actually spoken to her and confirmed she is fully aware of what and how he has said those things?

I haven’t yet but the fact I’ve not heard from her makes me think it’s true!

OP posts:
ExpatInSlavikLand · 08/05/2023 13:30

Ugh. I meant to write:

"Or, do you feel you do all the running and she's never/would never turn up to support you if it meant going out of her way to do so, such as going on a short plane ride (2 hours isn't long, sorry)?

ILoveCakeLikeTheToriesLoveRippingTaxPayersOff · 08/05/2023 13:30

I would message her and say "are you aware B is being really rude and demanding I drop everything to come visit? I'm your friend, but I do have my own life this has made me very uncomfortable." And put the ball in her court.

That said I'd cut ties with them.

DelurkingLawyer · 08/05/2023 13:30

I’d be more annoyed at A making passive aggressive digs that you’ve had “all this time to yourself”.

Yes, it’s your life and your free time. You don’t owe her or anyone else that time. She might say friendship should be a 2 way street - if that’s so why hasn’t she made the journey to see you while she was on mat leave? She was the one who moved away.

MayBeeJuneSoon · 08/05/2023 13:34

Leave it a week or 2 before you reply

Don't jump to it because they clicked there fingers

Original poster
Over40Overdating · 08/05/2023 13:34

@ExpatInSlavikLand there has been no fobbing off of repeated requests.
I said I would visit when I can. She has been fully aware of my work schedule and knew it would not be before summer. The fact that my first break in months was spent resting and not prioritising a visit seems to have caused an issue.

And 2 hours is actually more like 10 with travel and airport waits each way. I’m exhausted!

OP posts:
SoonToBeinSpotlight · 08/05/2023 13:36

Is it possible A has been really struggling with PND etc, trying to be patient, hoping you would come? Feeling that you'd actually promised her you would quickly. hoping you would come when you took time off, feeling she really needs you but not wanting to say or pressure you, then finally asking you, and feeling your response was pretty dismissive and vague, maybe even uncaring....and then broken down in tears to protective husband, who - lacking in social skills, and in protective mode writes to try to get you to come over?

Doesn't excuse it and I don't think you are being unreasonable, but it does feel like there's a good, open, caring conversation to be had with A, before getting all high and mighty/ cutting things off (considering she is such a dear friend)....

BringBackCoffeeCreams · 08/05/2023 13:38

I live in another European country and miss my bestie so much. If my DH sent her messages like that I'd murder him and use the life insurance to repatriate myself.

MaisieDaisyMay · 08/05/2023 13:39

BringBackCoffeeCreams · 08/05/2023 13:38

I live in another European country and miss my bestie so much. If my DH sent her messages like that I'd murder him and use the life insurance to repatriate myself.

@BringBackCoffeeCreams

its the only way!!

Original poster
Over40Overdating · 08/05/2023 13:41

@BringBackCoffeeCreams haha! I like this attitude!

OP posts:
DisforDarkChocolate · 08/05/2023 13:41

My first thought was that he's isolating her @Over40Overdating . That doesn't mean you have to visit but it probably means you need to keep in touch with her so she knows you are a safe place if she needs it.

SecretsIWouldNeverTell · 08/05/2023 13:43

MrsSkylerWhite · 08/05/2023 13:15

YANBU. Things change, time to move on.

First reply nailed it.

Ditch this 'friend' @Over40Overdating As Skyler said, things change, and things have changed here. Very few people have friends for life. So don't feel blue about it. She is in the past now. (Her husband sounds fucking vile by the way.)

ThisWormHasTurned · 08/05/2023 13:44

You can’t be certain she isn’t in a controlling relationship. Hardly anyone close to me knew I was..not even my sister. It was only when a friend who worked in family services pointed it out to me that I realised. I didn’t even realise it myself after 15 years together!
Warning things that jump out: He insists on being part of all her social interaction with you (controlling - how can she ever genuinely say how things are? I wonder if he reads her messages too). When things are difficult he takes over the communication. All the demands about how and when you attend..also him having no social skills and droning on would make me wonder if he is narcissistic?
I definitely wouldn’t bow to their demands about this. I’d go if and when you want to go, but you might find that if you don’t meet the demands now, they will either get worse or blank you entirely. I would try to keep communication open with her in case things are bad and she needs to reach out. That’s all you can do.

Original poster
Over40Overdating · 08/05/2023 13:44

@SoonToBeinSpotlight she hasn’t at all - she’s sailed through mat leave and is still taking time out to be a SAP.
We talk on phone once a week and text most days so I’d know if that’s the case.

The wording of her text was slightly odd so there’s definitely something at play which I need to find out.

I think as I haven’t been round B for so long or had one of his texts, and I’ve been so tired, it’s immediately needled me!
And I’m being very petty in not wanting to do anything he can claim he ‘ordered’.

OP posts: