To be pissed off at friend & husband

[Over40Overdating]

Bit of a rant! And long - sorry!

I’ve been friends with A for many years. She’s a brilliant friend and I would trust her with my life. Since she met her husband, B, 5 years ago, he has been involved in every part of our friendship.
It’s been bloody irritating but she says she likes that he wants to be friends with her friends so I have tolerated it for her.

B isn’t a bad man but has zero social skills and finds himself the most fascinating subject of all time.
He contradicts people, says inappropriate things and will interrupt conversations to start monologing about whatever is on his mind.

It makes spending time together really dull and hard.

A&B had a baby last year and in January moved quite far away (plane ride) to get support from family.
A made me promise I would visit as soon as possible. I said I would but there just hasn’t been time yet : I have been working on a really high stress project that often needed 60 hour weeks and when it came to an end recently I was able to take 2 weeks off : my first break in 4 months to literally crash and rest and catch up on boring domestic stuff.

She messaged me over the weekend to say ‘now that you’ve taken all this time to yourself, I need to know when are you coming to see us’. I replied honestly that I don’t know - work is in flux, I may or may not be made redundant in the coming months and as I’ve just taken 2 weeks off I’ll have to wait to see how everyone else’s diary lines up.

No reply - this is unusual. I thought she’d be disappointed as I know she is lonely and struggling with B as her only social outlet but would give her a call today

I woke up this morning to a string of messages from B berating me for upsetting his wife, being a selfish friend and pretty much demanding I come NOW as he ‘won’t be happy’ with me til I do.

This is not the first time he’s sent me messages making demands or telling me I’ve offended him by not doing what he thinks is best and on every other occasion I’ve checked if A knew and she hadn’t so I’ve told him he’s being inappropriate and patronising and cut it out.

Except today he says she does know he’s messaging me and fully supports it and I ‘should do as he says’.

I am pretty livid right now so haven’t replied.

I don’t think she’s in a controlling or coercive relationship and he treats her very well but this passive aggressive stuff now being at her instigation is both disappointing and pissing me off.

And right now the last thing I want to do is make the effort to take a 2 hour plane ride to sleep on a sofa (they have made it clear they expect me to stay with them to ‘make the most of the time’) with two people who seem to think I’m so very awful and selfish anyway!

AIBU to think ‘away off and shite the pair of you’?!

@ejbaxa I am tempted!

Call her, rather than text. He probably checks her phone.

In the event that you do visit, do not stay in their house with that loon.

@Peachpicklepie
If the situation was reversed I would hope the comments would acknowledge that moving away from friendship groups means things change. I love my friend very much but her loneliness in a new place does not trump my physical and mental being my priority.

I would text anything cos you can guarantee he reads them all, I reckon he’s a controlling ass and she has no one as she’s been isolated by him. Speak to her on the phone when he’s at work but my guess is he also wfh!

Wouldn’t text!!!

Controlling behaviour does really ramp after life events such as having a baby and moving country. She could be in quite a bad situation and not even realise the extent of it. I wouldn't fall for his ploy to alienate you if you do still care about your friend. However I think going there could back fire as he may continue to attempt to destroy the friendship. Very tricky. Could you explain you cant afford to travel but she is welcome to visit you for a catch up (with baby but not the dick).

Whose family do they now live near?

Due to the fact that you can't conduct this relationship in a normal fashion because of her husband continuously overstepping, I would seriously consider dropping her as a friend permanently (because things are not going to change in respect of her husband's OTT behaviour - if anything it's escalating by the sounds of things). I would be seriously tempted to actually tell her why too at the time of dropping her (even though it will probably fall on deaf ears). The relationship between you has fundamentally changed because she's allowed her husband to muscle his way in (which is on her) and if she no longer brings anything to the relationship apart from the pair of them being a nuisance and creating problems where none exist, I would say it's time to cut her loose.

Imagine being married to this pompous dick. If it's rubbed off on her, then the friendship is pretty well done. I would try to get her on the phone for a chat when he is likely to be elsewhere, if at all/ever possible. Not text, which he will view and manipulate, of course.

Or maybe don't play games like this. Just speak to your friend directly. Say everything you've said here. See what she says. She could be really really struggling. If he's a prick he's probably a prick to her too.

@RandomMess Hers. He is estranged from his.
As far as I know it’s a mixed bag on how well liked he is by her family.

I would give it a few days and see if she gets in touch. If she doesn't, I think I would call to speak to her and if she was weird, I'd be done. If she knows he has been so rude to you and is happy with that, her behaviour is almost as bad as his.

I think I would be rethinking it all anyway. How long before they will start banging on about you going again? Being as it was them that moved away, it all sounds very uneven.

I suspect she is being controlled but she is at the stage where she thinks she can handle it. He will get worse. These types always do. You have had a glimpse in as his mask has slipped a bit there.

What struck me immediately as odd when I read @Over40Overdating's first post, is that her friend, (A), moved a plane ride away to "get support from family".
Yet........her husband, (B), is described as her "only social outlet"
So..........., if that's the case, where is this "supportive family" in all of this?
They haven't been mentioned again!

And.........A did make the decision to move 🤷‍♀️

@NotMyFinestMoment we did have a big social female group which disbanded because of him and her reply was ‘well big groups are difficult to socialise in anyway’.
She has seen some of them individually since, without him but not as much.

As I’ve said I don’t think he’s badly intentioned as such, but has to feel like attention is on him and then her in every setting.
She’s fine with it, even when it’s mortifyingly embarrassing - she just says that’s how he is.

I don't understand why you haven't blocked this gobshite by now. How dare he order you and berate you!

In the early stages, terms like 'this is how he is' is classic.

He sounds abusive. She sounds like she is in denial.

@LindyLou2020 i think this is the issue to be honest : they were promised the sun, moon and stars by the family if they moved.
So far not much of the support has materialised and they are told ‘we have our own lives, you live here now, make your own’.

I know she’s been left feeling very hurt which is why she is so keen for me to come and probably why he’s acting Billy Big Bollox making demands.

And that’s OPs problem because? His wife misses OP so he demands she come and visit to make his wife happy? Are we in primary school?

I can't believe some people are suggesting you should do as he says! Absolute mugs. Fuck him.

@DrDavidStarKey I totally get this and I have had my own suspicions but from what I can see I don’t think it’s the case.

He’s overbearing and inappropriate but I don’t think he’d ever stop her from doing something or punishing her.

He’s a very odd character who doesn’t think like other people do : to him, sending the message to me will put him in the role of hero who is ‘making his lady happy’ (he uses that phrase a lot) by being strong and masculine. It will not occur to him that it’s inappropriate or I might tell him to fuck off despite the fact it’s never worked before.
In his head it can only have one outcome : him as ‘man’.

What a complete pair of maniacs. Him especially. Fucking hell.

Nobody said it was OP problem however in life when juggling friendships we do have to take inconsideration other peoples feelings and where they are coming from otherwise we end up bitter and lonely really fast

Hahaha I can picture the dailymail headline lol

If he was isolating her, he wouldn't be demanding the OP come over. That would literally be the last thing he would do. He just sounds like a dick and whilst A may well be struggling, the OP needs to make sure their own health, mental and physical is sound before trying to assist others

Personally I would call your friend and say I will not be spoken to like that by her husband. If she defends him and it is clear she wanted him too, well I would do the slow ghost as Michelle Obama called it.