To be pissed off at friend & husband

[Over40Overdating]

Bit of a rant! And long - sorry!

I’ve been friends with A for many years. She’s a brilliant friend and I would trust her with my life. Since she met her husband, B, 5 years ago, he has been involved in every part of our friendship.
It’s been bloody irritating but she says she likes that he wants to be friends with her friends so I have tolerated it for her.

B isn’t a bad man but has zero social skills and finds himself the most fascinating subject of all time.
He contradicts people, says inappropriate things and will interrupt conversations to start monologing about whatever is on his mind.

It makes spending time together really dull and hard.

A&B had a baby last year and in January moved quite far away (plane ride) to get support from family.
A made me promise I would visit as soon as possible. I said I would but there just hasn’t been time yet : I have been working on a really high stress project that often needed 60 hour weeks and when it came to an end recently I was able to take 2 weeks off : my first break in 4 months to literally crash and rest and catch up on boring domestic stuff.

She messaged me over the weekend to say ‘now that you’ve taken all this time to yourself, I need to know when are you coming to see us’. I replied honestly that I don’t know - work is in flux, I may or may not be made redundant in the coming months and as I’ve just taken 2 weeks off I’ll have to wait to see how everyone else’s diary lines up.

No reply - this is unusual. I thought she’d be disappointed as I know she is lonely and struggling with B as her only social outlet but would give her a call today

I woke up this morning to a string of messages from B berating me for upsetting his wife, being a selfish friend and pretty much demanding I come NOW as he ‘won’t be happy’ with me til I do.

This is not the first time he’s sent me messages making demands or telling me I’ve offended him by not doing what he thinks is best and on every other occasion I’ve checked if A knew and she hadn’t so I’ve told him he’s being inappropriate and patronising and cut it out.

Except today he says she does know he’s messaging me and fully supports it and I ‘should do as he says’.

I am pretty livid right now so haven’t replied.

I don’t think she’s in a controlling or coercive relationship and he treats her very well but this passive aggressive stuff now being at her instigation is both disappointing and pissing me off.

And right now the last thing I want to do is make the effort to take a 2 hour plane ride to sleep on a sofa (they have made it clear they expect me to stay with them to ‘make the most of the time’) with two people who seem to think I’m so very awful and selfish anyway!

AIBU to think ‘away off and shite the pair of you’?!

He sounds like a right weirdo. Who demands that someone comes to visit? I'd tell him to go f*ck himself.

He's a controlling interfering entitled dickhead and she is enabling him. Do not respond, let them stew. Don't allow yourself to be controlled and talked down to.
Personally I'd not bother with either of them again. The friendship has changed and is not a healthy one anyway, now.

Eugh. Not the "my lady" man. I can't believe she's married him.

Oooooh yess.

If you took all of the odder traits of all the men in Big Bang Theory and put them in one body…

They are probably struggling with adjusting to life with a baby and a new country. The socially inept DH is probably at his wits end as unable to fix anything for his wife and starts texting in a sleep deprived mess hoping you might be able to come and cheer your friend up. I'd give them the benefit of the doubt and make sympathetic noises until you are able to commit to a visit. Re-evaluate friendship after a visit and decide if you want them in your life in the long term.

Of course the above assessment might be way off!

I am probably a lot older than you. Had a uni friend who married a bit of a twonk and we did lose our closeness because of him but I always kept in touch, even if we didn't meet up as much as we used to because she is a lovely person. The twonk had an affair 10 years into their marriage and I was glad I was able to be there for my friend during that time. We became close again and she has been in my life for a very long time and I really value her friendship.

All good things must come to an end. And so has this friendship

I'm sorry but tbh I think the death knell came when she insisted he be part of the friendship.

I would just back away quietly.

Hope you get lots of rest.

Since she met her husband, B, 5 years ago, he has been involved in every part of our friendship. It’s been bloody irritating but she says she likes that he wants to be friends with her friends so I have tolerated it for her

@Over40Overdating I would suggest that you now have the perfect reason not to continue to do this any more. You're not obliged to involve him in your friendship just because either or both of them want you to!

To his message I would probably reply 'oh do fuck off', but then I get irate when men think they can order women around just because they're men. Then I would message her separately (bearing in mind, as other PPs have said, that he will probably read them), and very kindly say that while you massively value the friendship and would dearly love it to continue, you want to talk directly to her and that messages from him about your friendship aren't welcome.

Have you replied to his text?

Id be replying along the lines of

Dear weirdo
I was really looking forward to planning my trip to see A and you, Id explained to A catagoricly it wouldn't be before the summer. Ive been excited to meet baby and have you show me your surroundings. Unfortunately friendships don't work for me where one friend thinks its appropriate to make orders & I will not be tolerating such behaviour. It's such a shame as I was genuinely excited and B you have certainly ruined that single handedly. I will leave this with you and A to decide how to move forward from this situation.

Id then text both of them the exact same message

Sorry that is no justification at all for his attitude. Being considerate of friends feelings goes both ways and when you choose to move to another country it means you have to focus on building new friendships and connections not hinting your happiness on your friend from your old life visiting.

Yes you still maintain some of those friendships to an extend but the fact remains it will not be the same.

And OP’s friend being aware of his message is absolutely ridiculous unless she calls him out on it and apologizes to OP.

@MrsToadster I hope it’s that’s. He does love her and wants the best for her but has no idea of what’s actually appropriate in any situation.

They are total opposites in every way but it’s what she wants and she’s happy!
She does have very low self esteem when it comes to men and dating and when they met she was relieved that she met someone who worshipped the ground she walked on and who didn’t play games.

He seems to be a great and involved dad as well.

Is there an element of cultural differences? Not justifying B's attitude at all but in some countries the portrayal would be seen as fairly normal.

Agree. I can't imagine having a husband insert himself between a friend and myself. Not only odd but it changes the whole dynamic. None of my friends would allow this - were you surprised by your friend accepting this OP?

Nah she chose to marry this absolute clownshoe and let him muscle in on/ruin her friendships, she chose to move away and have a baby with him. If she misses her friends she can visit them. She made her bed!

Is this the first time he's ever been this direct barking orders at you like that?

I'm finding it hard to imagine anyone I know and get on with switching up like that.

Not cultural, no!
I have suggested he may be ND given his age and total lack of social skills and it’s the only time she’s ever been really angry with me - she made it clear I was never allowed to mention that again!

@Onelifeonly I have been surprised at how traditional the relationship but that is what she wanted.
I am surprised that she apparently knows and encouraged this message.

I absolutely disagree with this. The friend chose to move away and the husband sounds a nightmare.

@OneTC Not the first time, no. Previously he’s told me when and where I can invite her out to, taken me to take task for ‘disrespecting’ him and randomly monologing about how I deserve to find a man who will treat me right. In all cases he said she didn’t know he was messaging me and was told to butt out and not message me again like that.

This

I'd just gently let this friendship die. I couldn't deal with this.

Reply to him politely saying "I'm so sorry but I can't travel right now" then have no further discussion.

I'd check with A that she was happy with those messages. Call her and ask her how she is and say "I got some messages from B, he says you wanted him to message me like that - is that right" If she says no, well tell her he was quite rude to you. If she says yes, say "yes while like I told him I really can't travel right now"

And then, let it go. They are too much very very hard work.

‘Sorry A but I feel we’ve reached a real fork in the road. I do not like B and I don’t want to be his best friend which is ultimately what has happened over the past few years. I’ve tried to express this but feel it was never listened to and we’ve developed this odd 3 way friendship when I find him quite grating and difficult. I appreciate that you love him and I’m so glad for your new little family but I’m not traveling 2 hours on a plane to spend the entire time having B forced down my throat’

Would you really want to visit and stay at theirs, living in the same house as someone who thinks that message is appropriate?

I would text her exactly this!

I would 100% call him out on his behaviour and tell him it’s unacceptable for him to be involved as you and her are both adults and can sort it out between yourselves.

I would be raging on your behalf.
You are not the third wheel in their relationship and you have an entire life that doesn’t revolve around your friend.

I live abroad and would absolutely never ever speak to any of my close friends like this and if my DH did well I think that might be game over for us. How dare B talk to you like that ...who the hell does he think he is . I'm fuming on you behalf . I would tell her straight they are both out of order and if they can't talk to you like an adult then to they are no longer in your life. They have no idea what you are going through with your life/work situation