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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off at friend & husband

358 replies

Over40Overdating · 08/05/2023 13:13

Bit of a rant! And long - sorry!

I’ve been friends with A for many years. She’s a brilliant friend and I would trust her with my life. Since she met her husband, B, 5 years ago, he has been involved in every part of our friendship.
It’s been bloody irritating but she says she likes that he wants to be friends with her friends so I have tolerated it for her.

B isn’t a bad man but has zero social skills and finds himself the most fascinating subject of all time.
He contradicts people, says inappropriate things and will interrupt conversations to start monologing about whatever is on his mind.

It makes spending time together really dull and hard.

A&B had a baby last year and in January moved quite far away (plane ride) to get support from family.
A made me promise I would visit as soon as possible. I said I would but there just hasn’t been time yet : I have been working on a really high stress project that often needed 60 hour weeks and when it came to an end recently I was able to take 2 weeks off : my first break in 4 months to literally crash and rest and catch up on boring domestic stuff.

She messaged me over the weekend to say ‘now that you’ve taken all this time to yourself, I need to know when are you coming to see us’. I replied honestly that I don’t know - work is in flux, I may or may not be made redundant in the coming months and as I’ve just taken 2 weeks off I’ll have to wait to see how everyone else’s diary lines up.

No reply - this is unusual. I thought she’d be disappointed as I know she is lonely and struggling with B as her only social outlet but would give her a call today

I woke up this morning to a string of messages from B berating me for upsetting his wife, being a selfish friend and pretty much demanding I come NOW as he ‘won’t be happy’ with me til I do.

This is not the first time he’s sent me messages making demands or telling me I’ve offended him by not doing what he thinks is best and on every other occasion I’ve checked if A knew and she hadn’t so I’ve told him he’s being inappropriate and patronising and cut it out.

Except today he says she does know he’s messaging me and fully supports it and I ‘should do as he says’.

I am pretty livid right now so haven’t replied.

I don’t think she’s in a controlling or coercive relationship and he treats her very well but this passive aggressive stuff now being at her instigation is both disappointing and pissing me off.

And right now the last thing I want to do is make the effort to take a 2 hour plane ride to sleep on a sofa (they have made it clear they expect me to stay with them to ‘make the most of the time’) with two people who seem to think I’m so very awful and selfish anyway!

AIBU to think ‘away off and shite the pair of you’?!

OP posts:
diddl · 08/05/2023 15:26

‘now that you’ve taken all this time to yourself, I need to know when are you coming to see us’.

She sounds as bad as him!

You've tolerated him for 5yrs, she has moved to her family.

Sometimes friendships come to an end!

WGACA · 08/05/2023 15:26

I’ve been in a similar situation and I just quietly let the friendship slide.

AcrossthePond55 · 08/05/2023 15:26

@Over40Overdating

Don't think for a moment that he's not controlling and/or abusive. His messages and her rationalizations of his behaviour point directly to it.

I had a friend, a dear dear friend, whose H (I won't call him 'D') was exactly the same. To all appearances he was so caring of her happiness, wanting all around her to be 'concerned' that she was happy. And she felt (and still feels) that he has her best interests at heart.

After while things started 'niggling' at us. Small things like trying to 'direct' our interactions and activities, involving himself in a 'jolly' way in our conversations, finding fault with her friends who 'pushed back' at his interference, then finally informing our husbands/partners of our 'misbehaviours' and instructing them to 'straighten us out' because his wife was being made unhappy. Eventually he cut her off from us. How? By making her feel that we were not her friends. That we were selfish and uncaring of her 'needs'. She's now completely isolated, other than the one or two who have bent to his will and those that he has personally chosen to be her friends, basically women who are married/partnered to his friends.

Sound familiar?

You need to have an honest conversation with her, alone. Let her know what you are seeing, that you are worried about her, and that your door is always open. But also be prepared for her to end your friendship. But in the long run, it's going to end anyway. Either because he directs her to end it, or because you can no longer stand his behaviour.

If you're in contact with any of her family that you feel you can trust to keep your confidence. Let them know you are worried for her. Because you should be worried for her.

FabFitFifties · 08/05/2023 15:27

"I'm really sad to hear A is upset, I'll speak to her personally."

Itchyfleet · 08/05/2023 15:28

I wouldn’t reply or have any further direct contact with B and would insist that is my bottom line. He doesn’t get to order you about.

Id leave it today and then tomorrow send a message to her and say you were taken aback and upset by his text which felt really nasty. That it was rude and didn’t acknowledge at all that you care about her and had been excited to to visit but that work and life has been hard and you don’t have spare time or money until summer as you previously stated.

Id also say you will be staying in a B&B if you do visit not least because you don’t feel being in the house with B will work given you find his manner and approach unpleasant and don’t wish to be put in a situation where he feels he can bark orders at you. That some space will be helpful.
If she can’t accept that then don’t go.

cheekyffer · 08/05/2023 15:30

Dear A, Given the content of the messages from B I do not wish to visit at the moment. I hope we can reconnect in the future.

SOMumm · 08/05/2023 15:31

FabFitFifties · 08/05/2023 15:27

"I'm really sad to hear A is upset, I'll speak to her personally."

However, be aware that he will be listening in, perhaps on an extension, or insist on speaker phone.

QueenSmartypants · 08/05/2023 15:32

Who does he think he is, Kim Jong Un?

🤬

I would ignore his abusive messages.

Ladybug14 · 08/05/2023 15:32

NewtonsCradle · 08/05/2023 14:05

B is trying to get you to cut off contact imo. Don't take the bait, A is your friend and she's struggling. You can visit at a time that's convenient to you and stay in a hotel but don't lose contact with her in the meantime.

This , most definitely

Don't let B 'win' by ostracising you by making it look like you've ostracised yourself

loislovesstewie · 08/05/2023 15:32

There is no way on earth that I would jump because this bloke has told me to. I would be telling him that I don't take orders from anyone and consequently they are unlikely to see me any time soon. People who demand, don't get, as far as I am concerned.

FrostyFifi · 08/05/2023 15:34

Nobody said it was OP problem however in life when juggling friendships we do have to take inconsideration other peoples feelings and where they are coming from otherwise we end up bitter and lonely really fast

No-one should tolerate being spoken to in a disrespectful and abusive manner.

bobbyboo43 · 08/05/2023 15:35

He sounds like a prick and as much of a good friend as she may have been before, his dickishness as clearly rubbed off on her.

You really need to be assertive here. Don't let a gobshite man dictate what you should be doing. The 'I won't be happy' remark would be enough to send me potty. Get the self important git told.

WisherWood · 08/05/2023 15:37

Except today he says she does know he’s messaging me and fully supports it and I ‘should do as he says’.

I wouldn't take it as read that she does know. I suspect Billy No Balls is making that up. But anyone who told me to do as they said just wouldn't see me again. It's phenomenally rude, aggressive and entitled and simply wouldn't happen.

I suspect she is more being controlled than you realise and that is problematic, to say the least. But I would not tolerate this man. Or, to be frank, a woman who went into a relationship with him with her eyes open. Yes, he may be using coercive control, but she initially fell for the 'me Tarzan, you Jane' shit and I can't be doing with that. It's beyond offensive.

PeriNatureLover · 08/05/2023 15:39

It doesn't sound like a very healthy situation at the moment. I feel annoyed on your behalf. I think if you want to keep the relationship give it some time and space and see how things feel later on.

billy1966 · 08/05/2023 15:40

I think he is an arrogant self important twat and I simply wouldn't reply.
Time to block his number in fact.

Your friend has chosen to move back home.
I think it is possible her family have been repelled by him and are no longer prepared to closely embrace her return.

He's a twat.
You think it, they probably do too and want to limit contact.

She has chosen to move, her choice.

I certainly wouldn't dream of visiting and staying in their home.

He is the type of arrogant male that possibly thinks because you are single he can boss you about too.

I would take some real space, but definitely block him.

I would think his behaviour has made the friendship very difficult going forward as I would never want to be under compliment to someone like that in their home.

No way would I stay in their home, ever.

Original poster
Over40Overdating · 08/05/2023 15:40

I don’t think he is trying to cut me off : the opposite.
She is lonely and I think probably a bit resentful they had to move : she was the higher earner here but wanted to be a SAH parent which was only affordable if they moved. The family support was supposed to include finding him a job which hasn’t happened because he doesn’t have the skill set he claimed to.

At a guess, If he can order me over as and when, that keeps her happy and he isn’t feeling the pressure of not delivering the traditional husband role he promised.

OP posts:
diddl · 08/05/2023 15:41

I mean really his rant doesn't need an answer.

You have told her that atm you don't know when you can/will go over.

That hasn't changed.

Perhaps tell her that you are sorry she is upset but that you cannot go over right now.

If she is desperate to see you what is stopping her from coming to you?

SallyWD · 08/05/2023 15:43

I would completely ignore his message and contact her (preferably call her) to talk about it. Simply tell her what you've told us - that you've been working 60 hour weeks, have been really exhausted and needed to rest/catch up on domestic life. If she still doesn't understand then I really think she's a crap friend and if back off. A friend should support you, not constantly make selfish demands.

fairydust11 · 08/05/2023 15:47

Op - honestly I would not respond.

See if your friend messages you back herself - if not, just leave it & let it fizzle out.
If she does, I would be inclined to explain that due to the text received by her husband you wouldn’t feel comfortable visiting now & let things fizzle out.

Unfortunately either way you look at it, I’d say the friendship is over.

MammaTo · 08/05/2023 15:49

I couldn’t abide letting anyone speak to me like this.
Plus I think she is probably revelling in the fact her very important husband is in her eyes “sticking up for her”.
Id give it a week before I’d reply and say they can come to you if they’re that assed.
So full of their own self importance.

Original poster
Over40Overdating · 08/05/2023 15:49

@AcrossthePond55 That all sounds incredibly familiar but I can’t get my head around it, to be honest.

I won’t be cutting her off - I will be making it clear though that I don’t want him messaging me again in that vein and ask that we schedule some more calls in rather than text.
She is a truly good friend and I would be devastated not to have her in my life and I will be damned if this man ruins things.

I will absolutely not be staying on the sofa though!

OP posts:
Justalittlebitduckling · 08/05/2023 15:50

Can you just screenshot the messages, send it right back to her and say, ‘did you know your DH send me this?’

knobheeeed · 08/05/2023 15:50

As you say in your first post - hadaway and shite
There's no way I would be putting up with someone sending me messages and ranting at me. He'd be blocked. Immediately. Absolutely nobody gets away with speaking to me or sending me messages like that any more. I just don't tolerate it at all. I've put up with too much shit in my life and won't be putting up with any more.
I would get him blocked. Then message friend and say you won't put up with being spoken to like that. Explain for the last time that you couldn't go to visit her during the 2 weeks off for the reasons you've given above. And then see what she says.
But tbh I wouldn't want to be going to visit her with him there. He's awful.

PimpMyFridge · 08/05/2023 15:51

Can you reply to him something like
'the trouble with this message is that it takes account of only one point of view and needs, but friendships need to balance both. It is inconsiderate and has a bullying tone so therefore more likely to have the opposite effect of what you want. Suggest you don't communicate with me if you can't take a less rude approach.'

And then also send the lovely one potkettel suggested to your friend

Sustainablelossofweight · 08/05/2023 15:51

Op - as the 'mover away-er' it is sort of on your friend to visit you as well. I would explain that you are working 60 hour weeks but are hoping things will calm down in the future. However you only want to speak to her on the phone now, no more texts from her husband as his behaviour was unacceptable. It is very odd that he is speaking on her behalf and it does suggest that the dynamics are off in the marriage.