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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP has loads of ‘stuff’

114 replies

Al991 · 08/05/2023 08:13

I’ve been working really hard to declutter our house because it’s really chaotic and it’s impacting my mental health. We have plenty of space but if feels like we don’t because there’s ‘stuff’ everywhere.

it’s hard to describe what it is! LOTS of old and paperwork, arts and craft stuff, keepsakes etc. I’m starting to realise almost none of it is mine and I have no attachment to it - it love to just see it all go in one fell swoop. My clutter has already been thrown out. I’m not trying to live in a show home here, I just want to be able to live somewhere without dodging literal heaps of miscellaneous items…

I’ve tried to address this with DP before who becomes very agitated, talks about this stuff being important to him, holding memories etc. He mentions that the stuff cost money at the time (of course it did) and it’s a waste to throw out even if it doesn’t get used so in my mind that money is wasted already. He doesn’t seem to see any value in living somewhere that isn’t piled up with clutter. AIBU to wish he would see sense?

OP posts:
CheshireDing · 08/05/2023 08:17

There is a great documentary called The Minimalists.

Of course you don’t necessarily have to take it to their extremes (although I definitely would if it was just DH and U) but made me realise what stuff to keep/get rid of

might be worth watching with your DP, might make them think about the ‘stuff’

travelingtortoise · 08/05/2023 08:19

It sounds like it's emotional hoarding – not like the hoarder TV shows, but it's emotionally driven for him and likely connected to something deeper.

My DP is sort of similar (I think for him it's connected to childhood abandonment), and we came to the agreement that we'd start by at least organising everything – boxing things up that weren't used, keeping those things in the garage... at least bringing some order to the clutter.

I think we're at the point now where he's realising that he doesn't even know what's IN the boxes, and he's beginning to get rid of some things / sell them.

Could that be a start? A box for the crafts stuff, kept somewhere out of the way, another one for keepsakes...

bussteward · 08/05/2023 08:23

I feel your pain!

Can you designate him a space for his clutter, and it stays there? Or 50/50 spaces: so eg the dining table, why should the surface be entirely covered in his clutter when you live there too? And space/clear areas are as important to you as his random piles of shite sentimental things are to him. He gets to clutter HALF the table. You get a clear surface on the other half. Repeat as necessary throughout the house.

Kitkatfiend31 · 08/05/2023 08:24

This is why I liked when my DH didn't work from home! I could clear stuff out without him knowing! Put his stuff in labelled boxes in garage or loft if possible. Or in one room so the clutter is minimalised. Clearing out is good for the soul.

modgepodge · 08/05/2023 08:25

Fully sympathise as my husband is like this. He likes to buy games consoles and ALL the accessories (special chairs with steering wheels and pedals and stuff built in). Said chair was used for 3 months or so until he completed the game. Once he’s completed it, it won’t be played again. He could have sold the chair at that point for say 50% of what he paid with it. But no. It cluttered the house for 5 or 6 years literally never being used until he was eventually persuaded to sell it for about 10% what it cost. We also have boxes and boxes of games which are never played but can’t possibly be parted with. They are now boxed and waiting to go in the roof (for what purpose, I’m not sure).

I do recommend at least boxing and putting in the attic/garage/spare room.

DustyLee123 · 08/05/2023 08:26

I’ve got this with my DH, I’m desperate to clear out the loft, but he won’t throw any of his stuff away, so there seems little point doing my part. Very frustrating.

AutumnCrow · 08/05/2023 08:26

If he has an emotional attachment to his possessions and 'artefacts' from the past, then it's not going to be as simple for him as just getting rid of it.

Do you have loft space? Some of it at least could be boxed, labelled and put in the loft. He can keep a catalogue of what's up there. Some people get really anxious about losing control over items to which they feel emotionally attached - maybe a 'half-way house' compromise like storage would be a start.

You can also buy transparent bin bags from places like ScrewFix which are good for storage - you can see what's in them and they are cheaper than those plastic boxes.

Another thought: some people react better to getting items prepped for donating to a homeless service or for selling at a car boot sale than to the idea of 'chucking it out'.

Schroedingersimmigrant · 08/05/2023 08:27

I am a keepsake person my dh isn't. To keep pleaslce clear all stuff like that is neatly in boxes.

From your decription I am imagining house like from series about hoarders?

Original poster
Al991 · 08/05/2023 08:30

Honestly feel vindicated just reading this. @travelingtortoise yes I think it’s exactly that. His childhood was crap, he was allowed his own stuff, now he’s an adult
he is really protective. This is why I sometimes feel like I’m BU but at the end of the day it’s not your childhood, it’s a pile of crap! I have resisted just buying more storage as I’d like to see it gone but alas, this might be the best way forward for us. In the house we’re moving to he has his own office so want as much as possible in there, but it’s also a spare room so a bit embarrassing for guests but I’d rather them than me lol.

@Kitkatfiend31 I've thought of this before, believe me!! But now he suspects and I’ve even seen him looking in bin bags 😱 we’ve not got a garage or loft but might at least try to designate a room…

OP posts:
lavenderlou · 08/05/2023 08:30

My DH is like this. He is almost certainly a hoarder. We are fortunate enough to have a garage, shed and study and have agreed that he confines his "stuff" to there. I try to avoid those places as the clutter stresses me out. Do you have any space that you could agree to him using provided he keeps the rest of the house clear?

Original poster
Al991 · 08/05/2023 08:31

Schroedingersimmigrant · 08/05/2023 08:27

I am a keepsake person my dh isn't. To keep pleaslce clear all stuff like that is neatly in boxes.

From your decription I am imagining house like from series about hoarders?

To be fair in my head it looks like a hoarders house. In real life it looks like a messy house with probably a bit too much stuff. But in a way I feel that doesn’t matter - it’s affecting my mental health the way it is.

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 08/05/2023 08:32

Try the sort your life out series, it's on iPlayer, see if it inspires him!

lavenderlou · 08/05/2023 08:33

Cross post. My DH also checks bin bags - even if I'm clearing out the kids stuff. I have learned to do it when nobody is around as I don't want him passing his irrational thoughts onto the DC.

Certain things (eg his ridiculous mug collection) I managed to judiciously reduce over along period of time but that won't solve most of the issues.

FusionChefGeoff · 08/05/2023 08:34

I think the compromise of boxing everything up would work for my tidy mind. Invest in a lot of matching, stackable boxes and then label them all with a dymo or similar. Then they all live in his office.

Schroedingersimmigrant · 08/05/2023 08:35

Al991 · 08/05/2023 08:31

To be fair in my head it looks like a hoarders house. In real life it looks like a messy house with probably a bit too much stuff. But in a way I feel that doesn’t matter - it’s affecting my mental health the way it is.

Show quote history

Yeah containing it to one room should work then.

Northernparent68 · 08/05/2023 08:35

Why is the minimalist always right on these threads

travelingtortoise · 08/05/2023 08:36

@Al991 it might be embarrassing for guests, AND if it's all in one place like that he may see just how much stuff there really is. When it's scattered all over the place it's hard to understand the quantity.

Do you think he'd be open to that as a compromise to start with?

DustyLee123 · 08/05/2023 08:36

I ‘accidentally’ smashed a brandy glass, when cleaning out the kitchen cupboards, that he never used but had been given to him. The small things do add up and make you feel better.

Schroedingersimmigrant · 08/05/2023 08:36

Northernparent68 · 08/05/2023 08:35

Why is the minimalist always right on these threads

I do wonder too. I am more concerned about secret throwing stuff away. I would divorce DH if he had so little respect for me and ky things tbh

travelingtortoise · 08/05/2023 08:37

Northernparent68 · 08/05/2023 08:35

Why is the minimalist always right on these threads

What makes you say she's a minimalist?

Schroedingersimmigrant · 08/05/2023 08:37

DustyLee123 · 08/05/2023 08:36

I ‘accidentally’ smashed a brandy glass, when cleaning out the kitchen cupboards, that he never used but had been given to him. The small things do add up and make you feel better.

Did you break a gift he got on purpose?
That's low.
Imagine he did that yo your stuff, people would tell you to call Women's aid😳

DustyLee123 · 08/05/2023 08:39

Schroedingersimmigrant · 08/05/2023 08:37

Did you break a gift he got on purpose?
That's low.
Imagine he did that yo your stuff, people would tell you to call Women's aid😳

Show quote history

He accidentally broke something of mine that had great sentimental value. Instead of telling me he disguised what he had done, so I feel no regret.

BereavedSid · 08/05/2023 08:41

I love being in holiday accommodation, cleaning up minimal stuff, nothing that will come in handy or has the burden of memories.
DH is pretty ruthless but my mum spent literally decades cleaning around my dad's stuff which always expanded 10% more than the available space. He's not been dead a week and she's cleared an absolute ton.

Cherryana · 08/05/2023 08:45

I think you have to play the long game and ‘step’ this for your husband as it’s emotional not logical.

Do you have anywhere like a shed where this stuff can go? Ask for a compromise- I don’t want to through your stuff away but can we organise it and store it away. You can still get to it but it’s not in the house.

Then get large 64l boxes that stack on one another and put ‘stuff’ in categories.

Once it has been in the shed for 6 months - revisit again with husband and he can say if he has used it or not. He will not get rid of half the stuff - he will still want to keep things. Let him.

Six months later (so a year later) look through it again. And he will voluntarily get rid of more because it will have lost some of its emotional value.

Also the benefits of living in a clutter free environment will start to outweigh the clutter eg easier to clean and keep tidy.

I have done this system before but in a work situation when I was a new manager. I guess I could have binned the stuff but this way I definitely won hearts and minds.

Original poster
Al991 · 08/05/2023 08:56

I appreciate those suggesting compromise. He is stubborn as a brick wall which makes him lovable in some situations but definitely not this one! That being said, maybe I can make some baby steps with him and get some of those big 64l boxes.

I don’t think the minimalist is ‘always right’ btw. I think I probably am a bit of a minimalist but I’m not exactly Marie Kondo. I’ve got my own stuff I keep that’s sentimental but it fits in one drawer. I feel like DH just buys stuff for no reason with no regard for where it goes.

OP posts: