DP has loads of ‘stuff’

[Al991]

I’ve been working really hard to declutter our house because it’s really chaotic and it’s impacting my mental health. We have plenty of space but if feels like we don’t because there’s ‘stuff’ everywhere.

it’s hard to describe what it is! LOTS of old and paperwork, arts and craft stuff, keepsakes etc. I’m starting to realise almost none of it is mine and I have no attachment to it - it love to just see it all go in one fell swoop. My clutter has already been thrown out. I’m not trying to live in a show home here, I just want to be able to live somewhere without dodging literal heaps of miscellaneous items…

I’ve tried to address this with DP before who becomes very agitated, talks about this stuff being important to him, holding memories etc. He mentions that the stuff cost money at the time (of course it did) and it’s a waste to throw out even if it doesn’t get used so in my mind that money is wasted already. He doesn’t seem to see any value in living somewhere that isn’t piled up with clutter. AIBU to wish he would see sense?

My husband and I both secretly throw away each others stuff. We prefer it that way as we both find it hard to throw stuff out and feel guilty throwing out random crap our mothers give us but we don’t want, so I slowly sneak his random crap out and he does the same to mine. Works for us!

DustyLee123 · 08/05/2023 08:26
I’ve got this with my DH, I’m desperate to clear out the loft, but he won’t throw any of his stuff away, so there seems little point doing my part. Very frustrating.”

Isn't that what lofts are for?

Absolutely I always check clothes are clean and useable. Last week I had a box of new locks, random paint samples (new) and DIY odds and sods and I showed them before I left it. If it’s old/tatty it gets recycled or dumped. Mine takes bagged clean rags which I also take in. Dump does too.

I also have a recycling art centre that the community uses. They take all sorts and lots of the off cuts etc go to the recycling centre

living with my husband has made me pro! The upside is he saves us so much money with his carpentry and handyman work. It’s also good to make sure useable things don’t go to the dump.

My DH is a bit of a hoarder and while I'll admit I can be pretty ruthless about getting rid of clutter, he holds on to everything. I'm not asking him to throw away keepsakes or anything sentimental but every surface is covered. I recently had to beg him to let me shred two black bags worth of paper shite: leaflets, ancient letters from the bank, three year old newsletters, etc.

One side of our spare room has crap piled (literally) higher than me. I went through it a few months ago while he was at work but when he came home, he was really upset and insisted on going through the rubbish bags before I could take them to the tip.

@amusedbush I have a workaround for this. I know it sounds insane but choose a free day and get him to take photos of or scan all the papers, newsletters etc that he wants to keep. Put some music on, make a day of it. I managed to clear nearly all my papers doing this. It takes less than 5 seconds to take a photo of a page and is not as time consuming as it sounds.

Then, of course, shred the hard copies.

Having photos of everything means he can still read or access the information on them in the future (he probably won't, but in the moment he will believe that he will do so).

Obviously this is working with the hoarding instead of against it, but small steps.

Hoarders often hate the idea of waste.

But just shoving it in a bag in the garage or loft never to be looked at again, is wasting it.

There's a lot of research going on now in UK universities into hoarding as a disorder in its own right. It affects possibly upwards of 2% of the population.

There's a conference this afternoon. You can see from the blurb that there is acknowledgement of the effects it can have on family members, as well as the hoarder.

https://www.aru.ac.uk/community-engagement/aru-hoarding-conference

Watch Sort Your Life Out in 7 Days on iPlayer. I have a tendency to hold on to a lot of stuff and it has really motivated me to try to declutter a bit. Lots of good ideas on there for how to hold on to/display some of the important things too.

If it is paperwork that is everywhere, get some box files and sort it out and put the files on a shelf. It will bother you less if it is high up and tidy rather than constantly moving piles around the house or tripping over it all.

That's a good idea and might make him loosen the reins a little - thank you!

My DP hoards paperwork too. One thing that’s helped is to have a shredder, recycling box and filing cabinet right by the hall table where we put the post.

post is opened same day and shredded or filed or recycled (mostly recycled) immediately without having to take a step. It’s helped enormously. We only have a small flat but I feel the space these three things take up is worth it.

good luck op. I hope you can make some progress. That situation would drive me BONKERS!

I moved house recently, my cupboards were heaving, my loft was practically inaccessible
I had a big declutter, orniments, magazines that were years out of date, paperwork, old clothes, broken kids toys, yes I know, you name it if it didn't have a home it either went to a charity shop, was given away on freecycle sites or taken to the dump.
If I was really unsure as to whether I wanted to keep something or not and felt I'd regret getting rid I'd put it in view until I'd made a decision either way.

My new loft is now housing only a few seasonal items and gone is the "may need that one day, shove it in the loft" mentality.

DP on the other hand took a bit of work to get going, if they worked as quick as they threw out excuses it would have been done and dusted within a day or so.
I got them to set the alarm on their phone for 30 minutes and in that time they had to sort through their belongings/cluttet/general shite...9 times out of 10 when the alarm went off the decluttering continued.

The key is to minimise the places he can plonk stuff.

No mantel over the fire.
No shelves or open bookcases. Always doors on every cupboard.
If he must have books then they should live in the study behind a closed door.
No little tables next to the sofa - floor lamps are your friend.
Roman blinds throughout so that nothing can go on the windowsill.
Stools not chairs in the kitchen.
3 strageically placed plant pots in the kitchen windowsill - DH wouldn’t dare disturb my arrangement with a bottle of washing up liquid.
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And the plastic porch was banished years ago.

@Peregrina I'm explaining the mindset, not making excuses for it. Hoarding is a mental health condition so the feelings behind hoarding aren't always going to make logical sense to non-hoarders.

The general idea hoarders have is that they will find a use for their hoard some day (obviously most of the time that day never arrives). From my own point of view, knowing things that are in good condition are going to a good home rather than being chucked in a bin makes it easier to part with them.

Sounds you have broader problem than just stuff. And many ideas in this thread sounds awful and disrespectful.

What is wrong with having games or books on display? It is relevant part of life and living room is for living, not for being a sterile.

What helped in our home was zoning. We have a fixed number of shelfs for books in the living room - and if we buy more books, some have to move to storage room. We have one part of the kitchen top for relevant things and one clear for work.
For "memory stuff" it is similar, there is a space for some of them and we can replace and store/reduce quantity when the place is full.

I suppose it is valid to want to have a "clean view" - one corner/area which looks your way. Have a box for "stuff that needs sorting" - everything which remains at designated empty area can be moved there...

I'm doing this just now with my 13 year old nephew! I cleared a room (or space) and filled a box at a time and said keep or sell. He sorted through the box and put it in piles. Not going to lie it's not a fast way but its working. And if you know things he won't miss just chuck them!! Leave it out abvious and if he doesn't touch it bin it. Donate you clothes and put a few extra of his in ect clear it yourself I do this with my partner he has never noticed in 15 years xx

He needs a man cave

I could honestly cry reading this, it's really helped me. Other threads I've seen on here on hoarding disorder have mostly amounted to 'LTB, he'll never change' and so on. Really interesting to hear from a hoarders' point of view too. I live with a hoarder and although he's improved a bit since I've moved in, it's still not ideal and there's a lot of stuff not dealt with which will come to a head when we move. Dreading that...

I do believe it's a mental health disorder but I can only guess at what triggered it in DP, he won't discuss it and I can't ever imagine he'd ever get proper help which is frustrating in the extreme. I'm the complete opposite, very focused on what I can pro actively do to solve my problems.

It's so reassuring to hear there are people who feel as infuriated and defeated as I do sometimes!

My DH has a very specific hoard, citadel miniatures (and a few other brands) he's been collecting since he was 16. He shipped a huge amount here from Canada when he moved here, and he just keeps buying more!
We just bought a house, and the models have filled a wardrobe in our bedroom, the shed, and the utility room (which I was hoping to use for food storage due to having hardly any kitchen cupboards).
He's crammed so many boxes into the shed the lawn mower has to live in the utility room on the only available bit of floor and be carried through the kitchen to cut the lawn. And he keeps buying more despite being told one in, one out.
Meanwhile all my hobby stuff fits in a wardrobe matching the size of his, and I don't buy more until I use something up.

Minimalist is the current trend, like the colour grey, and bifold doors but it won’t always be.

You sound a bit judgemental. You thinking someone else’s stuff is crap doesn’t make it so. I bet you don’t think that about the man minimal amount of things you have chosen to keep and use yourself.

If you live with someone you need to both compromise so that you are both happy with the way you are living your lives.

Its not necessary true in your case but, as you have pointed out with your DPs childhood, some people use stuff (what can be kept, what is given emotional value) as a way to control and abuse others.

I have to admit that some of the posts on this thread make me feel physically sick. The thought of things of mine being thrown out behind my back - no no no! Those of you who pursue that strategy will find it backfires on you big time.

I know what I need is help organising what I have; part of the reason my house is in a terrible muddle is that my partner doesn't share my need for organisation and when I've asked him to help he doesn't seem to understand how to. And then I get too overwhelmed to be able to start setting up what I want so it will work. He likes to have occasional big sort-outs, and do it on his own because "that's more efficient". Well it isn't when he's piling stuff that's mine willy nilly together when there were supposed to be places it could belong. Like the time a new bookcase got filled with random books after I'd told him I wanted to sort things onto it carefully so our teenagers could see and use what we had.

I would strongly recommend to many of you, that instead of offering to help declutter / get rid / etc, you focus on, can I help you organise some of this stuff so that it has a place to go? Then, depending on your situation, your collector/prcrastinator/hoarder, will be able to discard some rubbish as they go along, see duplication when it exists, and begin to focus on what is really worth keeping. They will also be able to trust you to respect their feelings for stuff, which will help them be able to do more sorting out than when they start to panic every time they see you going into tidy-up-and-throw-out mode.

As an 'emotional hoarder' this post is great.

My ex was like this, her flat was like a warehouse, it drove me up the wall. One of the many reasons I could never have lived with her is because of her hoarding tendencies. She did actually get a little better at chucking away old crap, but left to her own devices things would just build back up. I don’t think she wanted to live like that, she didn’t want to be drowning in crap, she just couldn’t seem to help it. She does have ADHD as well, which probably doesn’t help. I think it’s very difficult for a hoarder to change, like PP have said, it fulfills some sort of emotional need. I couldn’t live with it though, I think it would make me depressed.

You do have my sympathy as my own DH can be very similar. He's rather a hoarder and rarely gets rid of anything. I am a would be minimalist.

At the moment we are managing to keep the majority of his stuff in two areas of the house - his "study" (man cave) upstairs and in what used to be the garage.

Containment that way is what preserves my sanity.

My DH struggles to get rid of things and is untidy. It is his house too. I do my best to organise but have to accept that we both live here and that my preferences aren't any more 'right' than his.