Page 2 | DP has loads of ‘stuff’

Al991 · 2023-05-08T07:13:21+00:00

I’ve been working really hard to declutter our house because it’s really chaotic and it’s impacting my mental health. We have plenty of space but if feels like we don’t because there’s ‘stuff’ everywhere. it’s hard to describe what it is! LOTS of old and paperwork, arts and craft stuff, keepsakes etc. I’m starting to realise almost none of it is mine and I have no attachment to it - it love to just see it all go in one fell swoop. My clutter has already been thrown out. I’m not trying to live in a show home here, I just want to be able to live somewhere without dodging literal heaps of miscellaneous items… I’ve tried to address this with DP before who becomes very agitated, talks about this stuff being important to him, holding memories etc. He mentions that the stuff cost money at the time (of course it did) and it’s a waste to throw out even if it doesn’t get used so in my mind that money is wasted already. He doesn’t seem to see any value in living somewhere that isn’t piled up with clutter. AIBU to wish he would see sense?

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 08/05/2023 08:59

Can you get him a garden space or garage that he can store his stuff in? That way it's his own space and it's not in the house. Maybe then he'll also realise how much crap, sorry valuable stuff he has

bussteward · 08/05/2023 09:01

Northernparent68 · 08/05/2023 08:35

Why is the minimalist always right on these threads

Clutter affects mental health: it’s affecting her, the solution is to bin it all. It’s affecting him because he’s hanging onto, who knows – random old MOT certificates for a car they don’t have, every birthday card he’s ever been given, even the one from a summer job where he can’t remember the people; dried-up paints and glue sticks for craft projects he’ll never do – instead of dealing with his issues. The solution is to deal with his issues and bin it all.

Clutter takes up time: it’s stuff that has to be cleaned, stored, moved, tidied. It also takes up mental space: you can see it, it starts to creep into your brain. Both of those things tend to impact women more as women still bear the brunt of household labour and emotional labour/mental load. It’s not the pile of paperwork that’s the problem so much as having to think about the pile of paperwork: I’m lucky in that both DP and I have an office, so I can have a clear room and he can have his room filled with the stuff. I no longer have to think about it or see it, which reduces my mental load and my physical load – no moving it off the dining table or clearing space on cupboards for actual useful things. It still creeps across the house, though, so before I can start to cook dinner I have to move a pair of sunglasses, a pair of headphones, a tangle of important wires, an iPad, some random bits of post, a jumper, and some tech doodad. That’s a whole extra step before I’ve got out a chopping board, which is harder to get out of the cupboard than it needs to be because of all the sentimental/useful/just in case cooking stuff he insists we hang on to. Life is hard and hours are short: full time jobs, small children, fewer leisure hours – and a lot of time can be clawed back by having less stuff. Not just the time spent hauling it about the house to clear space for tasks, but with less stuff you can have a smaller house, thus a smaller mortgage, thus a less demanding job.

It’s not necessarily minimalism – I own pointless things, like a bud vase. It’s wanting to live your life without having to move junk off a chair before you can even sit down.

illiterato · 08/05/2023 09:08

One thing I do ( albeit more for the kids than Dh) is that I have designated “no crap” zones- the main one is the kitchen island which is kept completely clear at all times unless being used to cook/ peel etc. Anything left on there will get binned, or at least I bear no responsibility for what happens to it so no point in them coming up and saying “ but where’s my phone/ magazine/ jumper? I left it here”.

Also everyone has one plastic filing box for stuff that absolutely has to be kept in hard copy. It’s in there or it’s in the bin. Cannot stand piles of paper everywhere

Original poster

Al991 · 08/05/2023 09:10

bussteward · 08/05/2023 09:01

Clutter affects mental health: it’s affecting her, the solution is to bin it all. It’s affecting him because he’s hanging onto, who knows – random old MOT certificates for a car they don’t have, every birthday card he’s ever been given, even the one from a summer job where he can’t remember the people; dried-up paints and glue sticks for craft projects he’ll never do – instead of dealing with his issues. The solution is to deal with his issues and bin it all.

Clutter takes up time: it’s stuff that has to be cleaned, stored, moved, tidied. It also takes up mental space: you can see it, it starts to creep into your brain. Both of those things tend to impact women more as women still bear the brunt of household labour and emotional labour/mental load. It’s not the pile of paperwork that’s the problem so much as having to think about the pile of paperwork: I’m lucky in that both DP and I have an office, so I can have a clear room and he can have his room filled with the stuff. I no longer have to think about it or see it, which reduces my mental load and my physical load – no moving it off the dining table or clearing space on cupboards for actual useful things. It still creeps across the house, though, so before I can start to cook dinner I have to move a pair of sunglasses, a pair of headphones, a tangle of important wires, an iPad, some random bits of post, a jumper, and some tech doodad. That’s a whole extra step before I’ve got out a chopping board, which is harder to get out of the cupboard than it needs to be because of all the sentimental/useful/just in case cooking stuff he insists we hang on to. Life is hard and hours are short: full time jobs, small children, fewer leisure hours – and a lot of time can be clawed back by having less stuff. Not just the time spent hauling it about the house to clear space for tasks, but with less stuff you can have a smaller house, thus a smaller mortgage, thus a less demanding job.

It’s not necessarily minimalism – I own pointless things, like a bud vase. It’s wanting to live your life without having to move junk off a chair before you can even sit down.

Show quote history

1000% this!!!

OP posts:

Ijustdontcare · 08/05/2023 09:17

lavenderlou · 08/05/2023 08:33

Cross post. My DH also checks bin bags - even if I'm clearing out the kids stuff. I have learned to do it when nobody is around as I don't want him passing his irrational thoughts onto the DC.

Certain things (eg his ridiculous mug collection) I managed to judiciously reduce over along period of time but that won't solve most of the issues.

Yes, I wonder why your DH is paranoid about you throwing out things that are sentimental to him, It's not like you have been doing it in the past and still do it.

You do know by secretly throwing away stuff you are making hoarding tendencies worse.

CeriB82 · 08/05/2023 09:22

I absolutely loathe it. DH is the same.

old football programs
old bank statements
old books form his time at school (he’s fucking 60)
books, old mortgage statements,

everything. It does create a lot of tension

when he’s at work im at work so cant do much as he will watch when i tidy up

i swear when he dies i will have the biggest bonfire

feel free to join me

lavenderlou · 08/05/2023 09:25

There is a big range between a minimalist and a potential hoarder! I'm in no way a minimalist and not particularly houseproud. My house is reasonably cluttered and fairly untidy most of the time, as houses with kids tend to be. However, it's liveable and can be passable for guests within an hour or so.

It would be deeply unpleasant to live in if we didn't contain DH's "stuff". We have a garage that still has unopened boxes from when we moved 8 years ago. There is baby paraphernalia in there although our youngest child is almost 10.

lavenderlou · 08/05/2023 09:26

Ijustdontcare · 08/05/2023 09:17

Yes, I wonder why your DH is paranoid about you throwing out things that are sentimental to him, It's not like you have been doing it in the past and still do it.

You do know by secretly throwing away stuff you are making hoarding tendencies worse.

Show quote history

I have thrown away about 10 mugs. He has never even noticed.

Sirius3030 · 08/05/2023 09:29

modgepodge · 08/05/2023 08:25

Fully sympathise as my husband is like this. He likes to buy games consoles and ALL the accessories (special chairs with steering wheels and pedals and stuff built in). Said chair was used for 3 months or so until he completed the game. Once he’s completed it, it won’t be played again. He could have sold the chair at that point for say 50% of what he paid with it. But no. It cluttered the house for 5 or 6 years literally never being used until he was eventually persuaded to sell it for about 10% what it cost. We also have boxes and boxes of games which are never played but can’t possibly be parted with. They are now boxed and waiting to go in the roof (for what purpose, I’m not sure).

I do recommend at least boxing and putting in the attic/garage/spare room.

Dear heavens. Is this where gaming takes you? I’m glad we never started 😮

FangsForTheMemory · 08/05/2023 09:37

If you can get him to sort it out, maybe some of it is saleable? Also once it’s boxed up, I’d have a ‘one in one out’ rule.

Original poster

Al991 · 08/05/2023 10:27

CeriB82 · 08/05/2023 09:22

I absolutely loathe it. DH is the same.

old football programs
old bank statements
old books form his time at school (he’s fucking 60)
books, old mortgage statements,

everything. It does create a lot of tension

when he’s at work im at work so cant do much as he will watch when i tidy up

i swear when he dies i will have the biggest bonfire

feel free to join me

😂 so glad it’s not just me! The bloody bank statements!!

OP posts:

modgepodge · 08/05/2023 22:13

Sirius3030 · 08/05/2023 09:29

Dear heavens. Is this where gaming takes you? I’m glad we never started 😮

Show quote history

He doesn’t really even game any more!! But still won’t get rid of stuff.

He’s currently doing up an old car as a project, this has led to even more crap being left lying around the house. I am hoping this is at least temporary….

DustyLee123 · 09/05/2023 07:26

My DH had two classic cars he did up, and often they had to go to the garage so that was a cost too. After the last one he got rid of all the stuff and said never again, yet he keeps dropping in the conversation that he wants another. It’s a no from me. If he wants one he can go and live somewhere else with it, I’m not doing that again.

KCIII · 09/05/2023 07:34

Sympathies OP, same here. I very little attachment to ‘things’ and get stressed with clutter. When I look in our garage and loft it is full of his stuff that never sees the light of day but that absolutely cannot be touched. In some ways I’ve learned to recognise his feelings are as valid as mine are, yet it does seem it’s me who is doing all the compromising and it causes a lot of issues.

AutumnCrow · 09/05/2023 12:12

@bussteward, may I just say what a brilliant, thought-provoking post that was. Thank you.

PinkCherryBlossoms · 09/05/2023 12:17

Northernparent68 · 08/05/2023 08:35

Why is the minimalist always right on these threads

Obviously people have already called you on the minimalist part. But there's also the reality that we don't have particularly big homes in the UK, so many if not most of us simply wouldn't have the room for this kind of behaviour without it causing detriment to other family members.

EmpressSoleil · 09/05/2023 12:26

Why is the minimalist always right on these threads

I always wonder the same thing. I’m female and I like my stuff. I am not a hoarder like you see on those shows. I don’t have empty milk cartons and newspapers piled up and I doubt OPs DP does either. It would negatively affect my mental health if someone wanted to come in and sweep it all away out of sight. My house is clean and tidy but yes I have things. It makes me happy to see them.

I’ve come to think there are 2 types of people. Nesters who feel a comfort from being surrounded by the things they love. And those who prefer a more functional home. Who just want the necessitates for daily living. And having the odd cushion or vase doesn’t make someone less of a “function” person. Neither is right or wrong. But people from different sides living together is going to cause issues.

A friend of mine swept away all her partners stuff and the home became quite minimalist. She then started complaining he’d become a workaholic. He has his own business and lo and behold he’d moved all his favourite stuff there. So would rather spend time in his office than the house.

All that being said. I would be willing to compromise on how much I keep, have out. But it would have to be compromise. Not just me getting rid of everything.

Whichwhatnow · 09/05/2023 12:38

Ugh I feel your pain OP. My husband can't bear to part with things 'just in case' they somehow become of use again, or if they're still in decent condition, or if there's any emotional attachment. We live in a small one bed flat and really don't have the space. Every surface is covered in crap and we have endless storage boxes from Ikea that just get stuffed with stuff and piled up. Like you it has really been affecting my mental health, especially as I work from home so feel like the walls and piles of stuff are closing in on me all day!

I recently cracked and insisted on having a clear out. We're only part way through but I've had to be really assertive. Examples of 'stuff' that has been thrown out/charity shopped this weekend just gone -

books that have never and will never be read
Clothes that are in good condition but that DH will never fit into again (unless he goes on a major diet which seems unlikely!)
Gifts he has bought me (he has a tradition of buying multiple small novelty gifts for eg Valentines - all very cute but I really don't need or want to keep a novelty stuffed toy or ornament from Poundland that has just been piled up on a shelf since Valentines Day 2019)
Random cables and chargers from phones etc that neither of us have or are likely to ever have again
Stuff like irons or food processors that still work but I have never used or seen DH use in the 5 years we have been together
Bits of uniform from a job DH had several years ago
Paperwork like bank statements from years ago which is all available on online banking anyway
Dining room chairs (we do not have a dining room or table(!!!) so these have just been placed in a corner of the kitchen, then also covered in piles of crap)
So much more!

My god it has been liberating. Multiple bin bags of crap have been removed - more to go this weekend! I don't have any advice other than to really push - ask him to tell you exactly when he last used X item or what value Y item brings to your lives.

Good luck!

Peregrina · 09/05/2023 12:42

My late husband was like OP's partner. Stuff kept for the sake of keeping it. E.g brought home from work when he retired - folder after folder of notes from work meetings from 40 years earlier. Plus stuff from his childhood which had been in his mother's loft for 50 years but was now vitally important. Then all cluttered in together and tossed in the garage or the spare bedroom, or when the kids were away from home, dumped in their rooms when we had visitors and needed to 'tidy'.

Do you know what? I miss him, I do not miss his clutter. Why was clutter of decades more important than my comfort now? I never got an answer. I never found a decent compromise either, but we could have had a better life if we hadn't been working around clutter.

OhComeOnFFS · 09/05/2023 12:45

There's absolutely no point in holding on to bank statements if you bank online as you can scroll through them to your heart's content.

There's no point in keeping a paper copy of any documents, really. Set up a good digital filing system with lots of folders (eg electricity bills 2002) and scan everything in or take a photo and file it. Would he agree to that?

Peregrina · 09/05/2023 12:48

Multiple bin bags of crap have been removed - more to go this weekend!

But you have to be vigilant or the crap builds up again. Old flyers from Domino's Pizza, old newspapers, mixed in with unopened correspondence which ought to be attended to.....

I worked in an Office which had a major relocation. We strictly limited in what we were allowed to take with us. Within six months you could see who the hoarders were - their desks were awash with stuff, which could only have been acquired since the move.

PinkCherryBlossoms · 09/05/2023 12:52

I’ve come to think there are 2 types of people. Nesters who feel a comfort from being surrounded by the things they love. And those who prefer a more functional home. Who just want the necessitates for daily living. And having the odd cushion or vase doesn’t make someone less of a “function” person. Neither is right or wrong. But people from different sides living together is going to cause issues.

The missing part of this is that the person who wants to keep lots of non functional things because they like them will, unless the household enjoys abundant space and resources, create a lot of labour for the people they live with because of their preference. The same doesn't apply in reverse. Because let's be honest, we're clearly not talking about the odd vase here. The OP made that clear.

thecatsmeows · 09/05/2023 12:52

Well I am a minimalist, always have been and my boyfriend of 14 years has known that from the start.

I moved around a lot as a child/teenager (not military) and was taught not to be sentimental about 'things'. Boyfriend isn't a hoarder but does seem to have trouble with throwing stuff out. I live on my own in a tiny flat so keeping it clear of junk is vital to me, and my mental health - I'm bipolar and mess really stress me out! So yes, in my situation, in my own living area I am the one who is 'right'... at nearly 55 with two marriages behind me I'm in no hurry to live with another man again anyway.

If I decide to have a sort out of my stuff I always do it when I'm on my own - like others have posted, if my boyfriend is here he does start looking in the bin bags, which really fucking winds me up. If I've decided something is rubbish, it's rubbish!

Peregrina · 09/05/2023 13:09

If I've decided something is rubbish, it's rubbish!

Quite. and what business has someone else deciding that your property is theirs to keep?

CheersForThatEh · 09/05/2023 13:19

I'd work this angle....

It's a waste if it isnt sused. So who is going to use it and when? Should craft supplies go to the charity shop or is he going to put a date on the calendar to do a craft activity with the kids?

His collections...where can it be displayed and enjoyed or can he donate it to an auction for his favourite cause? If not, marketplace.

I think he needs to understand properly that stuff isnt memories and if it isnt used then its wasted anyway.