Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

DP has loads of ‘stuff’

114 replies

Al991 · 08/05/2023 08:13

I’ve been working really hard to declutter our house because it’s really chaotic and it’s impacting my mental health. We have plenty of space but if feels like we don’t because there’s ‘stuff’ everywhere.

it’s hard to describe what it is! LOTS of old and paperwork, arts and craft stuff, keepsakes etc. I’m starting to realise almost none of it is mine and I have no attachment to it - it love to just see it all go in one fell swoop. My clutter has already been thrown out. I’m not trying to live in a show home here, I just want to be able to live somewhere without dodging literal heaps of miscellaneous items…

I’ve tried to address this with DP before who becomes very agitated, talks about this stuff being important to him, holding memories etc. He mentions that the stuff cost money at the time (of course it did) and it’s a waste to throw out even if it doesn’t get used so in my mind that money is wasted already. He doesn’t seem to see any value in living somewhere that isn’t piled up with clutter. AIBU to wish he would see sense?

OP posts:

CheshireDing · 11/05/2023 07:01

We used to have 2 floor to ceiling bookshelves filled with books and photo albums. It was only ever me who dusted them and we didn’t have time to re read the books due to ft work and 3 DC

i found an on line company who scanned all the photos so then we chucked the albums away and now have only the odd really favourites picture on display in frames and we charity shopped the books

the lounge was bigger, clearer. Even DH (who is the hoarder) said it felt really good to clear stuff (difficult for him to still not bring tat into the house though !)

Original poster

Al991 · 11/05/2023 09:02

CheshireDing · 11/05/2023 07:01

We used to have 2 floor to ceiling bookshelves filled with books and photo albums. It was only ever me who dusted them and we didn’t have time to re read the books due to ft work and 3 DC

i found an on line company who scanned all the photos so then we chucked the albums away and now have only the odd really favourites picture on display in frames and we charity shopped the books

the lounge was bigger, clearer. Even DH (who is the hoarder) said it felt really good to clear stuff (difficult for him to still not bring tat into the house though !)

I know we’ll never be able to get rid of the books 😢 he’d rather get rid of me! We’ve got literally thousands, some will never be read.

OP posts:

SparklyBlackKitten · 11/05/2023 09:06

Let him keep all his junk in 1 room

As a compromise

He still gets to keep his stuff and it less stuff everywhere for you and your mh

SparklyBlackKitten · 11/05/2023 09:07

Oh actually just read he has thousands of books. So he is a hoarder
Time to get him to a psychologist perhaps

CheshireDing · 11/05/2023 11:17

AI991 well I guess his ‘home office’ will be very cramped for him then ! We have started using the library a lot more since we got rid of the books, better for us and the library (it was threatened with closure of footfall didn’t improve). Our library takes donated books today, so that might be an option as lots of people would get to benefit from his books then ?

I would be clearing all the bits I didn’t want then all his stuff would go in his office to sort out /put on to shelves himself and I would shut the door. I bet he starts to get rid of it once the dust gathers and he can’t actually get around the room.

Biggestdoormatever · 11/05/2023 11:46

I am reading this thread with great interest as this is my house. I can't stand the chaos and disorder, pointless broken stuff everywhere. I feel angry that I'm being forced to live like this, the house is dirty as it's impossible to clean properly around his weird collections of rubbish.

I can't help as I've already tried most of the suggestions on this thread and failed.

He is currently in therapy and working through the Marie Kondo book. I'm hoping this one works or we will end up separating and I won't let our DC have overnights with him amidst the overwhelming chaos.

JohnNutLips · 11/05/2023 13:53

It’s incredibly difficult when there are such different view points. My ex is a hoarder, he struggles to get rid of anything. He doesn’t want to get rid of anything and says it will come in handy. Example being an old mattress - was second hand for the spare room when we got it and the springs were poking through. It was in the garage for months going mouldy before he agreed it could go, some months later I found 2 bins bags full of fabric and foam and a box full of springs - he stripped the mattress down to the constituent parts so he could keep it all. I just couldn’t cope in the end - we had a 5 bed house, 2 reception rooms and he had a double garage and 3 sheds, all of them full to the brim. He would get cross when he tried to do anything as there was no space to work - his solution was to build another shed. It took a huge toll on my mental health to live surrounded by such mess and clutter. I am not minimalist at all and like to have things on display but he would just not compromise at all. In the end I had to leave and it was like a huge weight had been lifted.

ZiriForEver · 11/05/2023 18:52

I can't understand the hate books are getting in this thread.
Yes, thousand is a lot, but generally open bookshelfs are the best part of people's homes and having books around is just great.

We found out that part of the issue was we didn't have easily accessible places where things belonged, so we put them anywhere we could.

We have a box for receipts, for opened paper tissue packages, for pens... We have a box for memories from holidays.
That way we minimise buying duplicates and things lying around.

Iamtoooldforthisshit · 11/05/2023 22:38

My DP is exactly like yours. Years and years of mindless crap that never ever gets thrown away because he might "need" it. I throw it all in an ottoman and close the lid. I don't have clutter I can't abide it. My kitchen is my domain so it is clutter free apart from the obvious gadgets.
Could you do the same? Just chuck all his stuff in a box with a lid and let him sort it when and if he can be bothered.
My sympathies it's not easy 😔

Davros · 11/05/2023 23:45

ZiriForEver I agree with you a bit about books. I think they can look really good and constitute part of the "decor" and they warm a place up. But 1000?

Peregrina · 12/05/2023 00:35

But a hoarder won't put books on the shelves - they will be stacked up in tottering 'to be read' piles. My late DH had piles of such books, some borrowed from others. I would return these, but I have no idea who they came from. But on the other hand, unopened letters would be stuffed on a bookshelf....

Flowerseek · 12/05/2023 08:49

I am a Librarian and DH is an academic. When we first got married we combined our book collections. To say there were a lot is an understatement. When we were expecting DS and needed space we made a big decision and got rid of two completely full Ikea Billy book cases of books. We also got rid of DH collections of 20 years of Private Eye magazines and The Economist. The magazines were donated to Oxfam bookshop. Some books were donated to our local library and the rest went to a charity shop.

I still have my collection of 1000 Ladybird books, in boxes in the loft now as DS had the larger room as his bedroom that I had as my hobby room when we moved him from the small bedroom. @Davros my 1000 are all little books :)

We are in our mid fifties now I am retired and DH will within the next 3 to 4 years. So I started going through things in the loft which had stuff just thrown up there for 24 years. I was amazed how much stuff was up there. So far 3 car boots to the tip and 4 to the charity shop. There were a few things we could have sold but the hassle didn’t seem worth it. I found two bin liners of soft toys of the children’s up there. Kept three toys and the rest went. Also a bin liner of baby clothes, kept the few hand knitted things and the rest went. Youngest baby is now 22!

I was inspired to do this after reading about Swedish death cleans plus we plan to move when he retires and I’m not paying to move tat.

bussteward · 12/05/2023 08:50

I’ve probably got 1000 books or more, but I’m a writer and DP an academic so it comes with the territory. But we have the shelf space for them and when we don’t, we cull. The trouble becomes when you start shoving books sideways on top of other books, and shoving everything else onto the shelves too: old envelopes full of random receipts – the envelope unlabelled, of course; fittings for a DIY project that won’t happen until you find the drill, which you can’t because it’s underneath a pile of stuff; seven bottles of shoe deodoriser spray that keep getting bought and forgotten about because they’re hidden among the crap; work lanyards and security passes from three jobs ago; pots of pens that don’t work but have a tiiiiiiiiiiiny bit of ink in them and “one day I’ll take those to the tip to be properly recycled”.

Once all that stuff is gone (and it’s finally gone in my house: either I’ve reformed DP or he’s hiding it all in his office, I do have to do regular minesweeps of the shelves to get him back on track), books are great. But they can also become a burden when there’s too many for the space, like anything. Few of us have time to read every book we own, and it’s OK to get rid of the ones you’re only holding on to for vanity.

Davros · 12/05/2023 11:12

A few years ago I found carrier bags full of unopened post and opened post that hadn't been dealt with. Including a couple of ancient cheques!

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Swipe left for the next trending thread