DP has loads of ‘stuff’

[Al991]

I’ve been working really hard to declutter our house because it’s really chaotic and it’s impacting my mental health. We have plenty of space but if feels like we don’t because there’s ‘stuff’ everywhere.

it’s hard to describe what it is! LOTS of old and paperwork, arts and craft stuff, keepsakes etc. I’m starting to realise almost none of it is mine and I have no attachment to it - it love to just see it all go in one fell swoop. My clutter has already been thrown out. I’m not trying to live in a show home here, I just want to be able to live somewhere without dodging literal heaps of miscellaneous items…

I’ve tried to address this with DP before who becomes very agitated, talks about this stuff being important to him, holding memories etc. He mentions that the stuff cost money at the time (of course it did) and it’s a waste to throw out even if it doesn’t get used so in my mind that money is wasted already. He doesn’t seem to see any value in living somewhere that isn’t piled up with clutter. AIBU to wish he would see sense?

@Peregrina None, is the answer to that question.

The worst part to me is, that he isn't taking stuff out with the idea that he will have it instead, but he expects me to keep it! I've lost fucking count of the number of times I've had to say yell 'I haven't got the fucking room!'

If he can't even tell his wife has got rid of a mug, how sentimental was it to him?

And as a person who had to clear out a deceased estate, i found it emotionally exhausting and best done decisively.

I have to say it made me have my own massive clear out as the last thing I want is someone having an emotionally hard time throwing my things away when I've passed. Hopefully a long time away! But it changed my mindset and I am a regularly clearer-outer now!

Not sure I agree re online banking. Our bank was bought by another bank and all banking records from before the purchase were removed from online access. You can download individual bank statements and save them to a hard drive but I have had hard drives that failed so I'm not sure that is a good backup either. On the other hand, I have only a couple of times in my life had to go into banking records that were older than a few months. Usually when I look at my banking records it's routine, to ensure that my monthly statement checks out (all checks I wrote were dealt with by the recipient, nothing weird on my statements that suggest identity theft, etc). I have had to go into statements less than a year old to prove I paid a contractor, things like that.

So for me, what drives me to keep printouts of various records is if I know I'll need that record years in the future. So all our retirement savings accounts we keep printouts. Medical records. If I close a credit card account I keep the record from the credit card company proving I close the account. That sort of thing. I also keep a couple of utility bills from each year, and copies of old leases so I can prove where I have lived. Tax documents. That sort of thing.

What's really helped me in this situation, which is similar to yours, is to recognise to myself that his emotional need to keep these things is no less valid than my emotional need not to feel like the clutter is swallowing me whole. And that the less judgemental, more objective I am, the better results I get.

I guess it's understandable - when I describe stuff as pointless clutter, he hears 'I want you to throw away your memories, they're pointless.' Because regardless of what I think, these things are stuff he values and feels an emotional attachment to. And so he responds in an emotional way, just as I do when he frames my wanting clear surfaces as 'trying to erase him from the house.'

I find it better to frame it as my need, not his failing. So: having this stuff sitting on the filing cabinet/piano lid/on top of the books on the shelves really bothers me. Can we find somewhere else for it?' Because even though I obviously think my point of view is the most rational and correct, it's not objectively so and framing it that way is counterproductive.

I won't lie, we still have way more stuff than I'd like. There are whole boxes in the loft that haven't been touched in more than a decade. There are tense negotiations over which of the kids' toys can be donated or sold. But we've made progress, and we're both probably not 100% happy with where we are but that's a lot better than one of us feeling great and the other one totally unhappy about it.

His mental health need to hoard does not trump your need for clean clarity of living space. His signifies an unresolved issue, and he should seek therapeutic support to deal with it. Being ‘stubborn’ is not excuse if he’s taking precisely no steps to tackle his issues and his mounds of crap, either with therapy or organising into storage boxes.

While I know that’s the reasonable approach, I’d be so tempted to just bag it and bin it when he’s not there. 😬

My husband is a bit like this. I think we have paperwork going back 50 years!
On the other hand we have a fairly big house and a lot of his 'stuff' is actually quite valuable, although none of the family will want it when we are no longer here. So he is attached to these things and is never likely to get rid of them himself, but knows we will have to eventually. We are now older and retired and he has been diagnosed with cancer (treatable but not curable) so he has started thinking about having a clear out of the less valuable things and paperwork as agrees with me we don't want to leave our kids with a nightmare to sort out. Unfortunately as a result of the cancer treatment he now has less energy and strength, so I am not sure now much we will actually get done. If you are young and fit take heed of this and don't wait until it is (becoming) too late. I would actually love to downsize to make our lives easier but he says we can't as a smaller property wouldn't fit all our stuff!!

DH and I cleared my mum's house when she moved into a care home. It's a large house, so although she wasn't a hoarder there was a lot of stuff. However, it only took us 4 days to sort things into keep/give away/bin, because we didn't have emotional attachment to most of it, and we don't have the space in our own house for a lot of extra stuff.

In contrast, her idea of "clearing out" was just painful. She went through a shelf of cookery books one time and only got rid of about two. At this point she was physically unable to do a lot of cooking, had barely used some of the books, but still wouldn't get rid them, e.g. a book on microwave cooking - "It's the only microwave cookery book I've got, I'd better keep it." Despite her never having done microwave cookery before, and being unlikely to start aged 80!

I am in the same position with my husband and 22yr old. Both of them have separation anxiety with their "stuff". Husband is models and books, child is fluffy toys and clothes/make up. It can actually bring me to tears. I have to climb out of bed every day as there is no room to walk, the loft is full of models and the sheds (3) are full. I try to tidy and I do understand the difficulties for them but feel like moving out!

I have started to do things little by little and throw things away that (hopefully) won't be missed. I've taken this week off work to tidy up but am constantly being watched!

I'm relieved to hear I'm not the only one - thank you all!

Our garage is crammed to the rafters with 'stuff that will come in handy one day' (bits of wood, millions of screws, bolts, nails, old paint and varnish tins, ancient tools) to the extent our bikes have to be kept in the 'dining' room. The minute I clear a shelf or a cupboard he just sees as an opportunity to fill with more crap. I bought myself a nice little keter shed for my gardening stuff. Within days he had added several piles of surplus plumbing odds and ends. It drives me insane.

I am so glad I made this post - I feel a lot less alone in this now. I know some people disagree but it is really frustrating!!!

I agree the need to hoard signifies a mental health hang up, but if they aren’t doing anything to address it that doesn’t make it any less frustrating - especially when I bring it up and it’s treated like I’m some sort of villain. MY mental health is being impacted by never having a tidy living space.

Solidarity with those who have a DH that hoards piles of crap.

Another interesting point, we are moving and I was talking about where we are going to put things, how we are going to decorate etc and DH started talking about putting stuff on display on shelves. Stuff like crockery in the kitchen, board games in the living room etc. New place has LOADS of storage - we can put it all in a cupboard and have a nice calming environment but he still wants it all out.

Makes me think of what PP have said about some wanting the cleanliness and lack of stuff while others crave being surrounded by things.

Again I was treated like the villain for not wanting crap on display - think we are going to compromise and agree to have small amounts of stuff out even though I hate it.

Will you be the one dusting the stuff 'on display' OP? Because if it's just you cleaning, you get the final say on that!

Some stuff is best in cupboards, and framed photos, plants and vases of flowers are to be displayed. I'd not be able to cope with piles of crockery on shelves 😱

There definitely has to be compromise - not just one person saying I want to keep everything, and the other person having to put up with that. And anyway, eventually there's no room to keep everything in an average UK house.

Very glad I live alone - I have a normal amount of stuff, but like to.donate useful things that I'm not using to charity, so that they can be used by someone else. It seems very wasteful to me to keep stuff but not use it. I have a neat, tidy home with nothing in the loft/garage 😁

Can he have a room in the new house, like a study, where he can display it and clean it himself ?

My Dh was like this, one day I had an utter meltdown and he finally started shredding the paperwork. It took days. My mum was a bit of a haorder so it’s really triggering for me. We contained DH’s mess in one room when we moved which he tackled when I was pregnant because it was to be DD’s bedroom. We still have a lot of pointless shit that I need to get rid of, DD’s stuff is piling up as well.

I have a very functional attitude towards stuff because it will end up in landfill at some point anyway. I’ve tried to talk to DH about death cleaning but we are in our 40’s so he’s not feeling the pressure yet. I find clutter and too much stuff oppressive. I think what motivated DH is I don’t think until that point he really appreciated how much it affected me. But I think he is most likely a procrastinator with hoarding tendencies rather than a true hoarder. My mum was a true hoarder and she would have serious emotional meltdowns at even the suggestion of a tidy up.

I am pushing for this. I also said I will make my office (smaller) the spare room instead of his to allow him the maximum space to store crap in. It will leave me with not much room for a desk but anything to avoid looking at it. Some of it, like books etc, he will never get rid of but if it’s all crammed in the study he might get sick of it one day.

As for displaying stuff - I’m never going to get it how I want it with everything away so just trying to minimise the damage!

Put them in the shed in boxes. In a year the items will smell like damp. Loudly notice how damp they smell, mouldy, fustering. Pestilent. He'll be much easier to part with them ;)

Rinse and repeat until house is cleaner.

aloris I would find your approach excessive. If you really need the piece of paper confirming you closed an account, take a photo of it.
My DH also has these issues but, having moved twice in the last three years and the first time being after 25 years, he's more able to understand. I got him to get rid of his old car magazines that were in the loft by telling him they were a fire hazard. Which they were.

I really recommend Clutterbug (google for website and link to Youtube). I've been following a lot of her methods to decluttering for a few years now and whilst my home isn't quite as tidy and organised as I would like, I do feel a lot more in control and like we've accumulated less stuff in that time.

I do agree with the posters saying too much mess is bad for mental health. My DP tends to hang onto pointless stuff (the PP about old MOT certs for cars he had as a teenager and bank statements certainly ring a bell)! I do move his stuff into the spare room so I don't need to navigate it on a daily basis and can dust surfaces and keep the place relatively clean. This approach works well if you have the space.

However, we own a shop together (was originally started by DP) and there's very little organisation going on there; every surface and square inch of floor is covered in stock. I honestly feel so stressed and frazzled after a day's work as I feel like I spend all my time looking for things. It's such a waste of energy to be swimming in disorganised clutter.

I have this, unfortunately he won’t deal with it and as it bothers me I deal with it to clear my head! Not hoarding inside the house now but he has a double garage full. Last summer he did put shelving in the garage and has organised things. Went to the dump in a big car four times.

Trouble is he is an excellent handyman and carpenter and he keeps everything for repairs for friends and family. Plus there is a lot of crap too.

I buy from joint account large boxes and roughly categorise the items. I will bin broken stuff/tat. I WhatsApp him photos of the stuff I’m binning/charity shopping. I do ask him to sort it out first… If it’s stuff I know he has acquired and it’s been hanging around or has no use that gets charity shopped without discussion.

All rooms downstairs are now clear the front room was done about two months ago. Nothing apart from the stuff brought/designated to the room lives there. No piles, no waiting crap. he knows not to leave stuff downstairs. I bin it pretty much straight away.

I do a weekly course in town, I take a bag to the various charity shops each week. Stays by the door and I fill it up. He’s a bloody magpie and his parents are the same. Now I get rid straight away.

Yesterday he helped a friend move and got 3 black bags of women’s clothes size 10/12 petite. He also got 2 black bags boys clothes which is fab as we have two. I’m a 12/14 and 5’9. I also don’t want them!! Kept a lot of the boys stuff. I sorted it out and took it the the local hospice charity shop yesterday. He was unhappy, I said I’m unhappy you filling our house!

This is my husband. I literally put a note on the green plastic half shed thing (Aldi purchase) saying do not use. He did… like you off cutting, white plumbing crap. I bagged it up and launched it into the garage. I was so angry, I properly lost it. How dare he have a double garage and I have plastic half shed for the lawnmower and my gardening bits and he tried to takeover that too.

I'm surprised you have books. We have books but saved from the days before online shopping and you can now find nearly any book you want - and DH was going to peruse them all when he retired. He hasn't perused any as he is constantly on youtube.
I work in a charity shop and honestly there are too many books.

I am primarily an emotional hoarder. Many of my possessions have worth (to me) in the sense that I am sentimental about them, they have memories attached, they link me to specific times in my life and it literally feels emotionally painful to get rid of them, like I'm getting rid of a part of myself. Additionally, I'm also one of those hoarders who can see a use for pretty much everything and hate things being wasted, so even when I don't have an emotional attachment to something, it can be hard to get rid of it if I can see potential in it. (It's not a great combination!)

I have had clear outs in the past, sometimes with help, sometimes not. It's extremely difficult, but here's a few tips for helping a hoarder have a clear out:

Take (digital) photos of things you are getting rid of. That helps when objects have memories attached. The hoarder knows they can look at the photos of the object and still have the attached memories or feelings. (In reality they probably won't ever look at the photos in the future, but it's comforting in the moment to have the option).

Do your best to donate anything that can be donated. It's much easier for me knowing that it could still be of use to someone than seeing my possessions chucked in the bin. Hoarders often hate the idea of waste.

Only focus on one category of thing at a time to avoid overwhelm (e.g, just craft supplies, just toys, just clothes, just kitchen implements). Don't try to do too much in one go.

Don't refer to possessions that they have emotional attachment to as "worthless", "crap" - to emotional hoarders, it's not about the price of the thing but the emotional weight attached to it.

This should be obvious, but just in case: the tendency to get really angry with the hoarder while you're clearing stuff out is not helpful. I've had this before (from two separate people in two unrelated clear outs) where I'd agree we needed to clear things out but as the person helping me went through my belongings they got more and more furious at me that I had so much stuff.

Don't guilt them. ("you shouldn't be like this", "what is wrong with you", "how can you live like this?" etc). It seems logical to a lot of people that trying to make the hoarder feel terrible about their hoarding will make them want to change, but it doesn't. In the same way that telling a depressed person to pull themselves together doesn't help. Hoarding is a mental health issue.

The best thing to do is acknowledge that it is hard for them, but that we do need to get rid of things and you are here to help them, not judge.

Just going to add one more thing: despite how it may come across and despite the defensiveness, hoarders mostly do feel bad about hoarding and deep inside they know it is a problem and unhealthy, but the negative emotions associated with addressing the hoarding and the overwhelm when thinking about getting rid of their hoard feel too big and scary to deal with, so it's emotionally easier to do the comforting thing, push down the negative feelings, try to justify why you do what you do, and continue hoarding.

I'm all for donating, but do make sure you're not just using it to offload things that a charity or similar won't be able to benefit from, and will have to pay to dispose of.