To think our 15 year old does NOT need a bedtime.

[NotTonightDeidre]

This is a source of much disagreement in our house.

DH thinks teen should have a strict bedtime.

I do not.

He thinks I'm in the minority and that all the parents of teens around us are enforcing bedtimes on their teenage offspring (even at weekends).

I believe that most will be allowing their teens a lwcel of autonomy - especially at weekends.

Who's right? What do you do if you have teens?

I'm confused in your op you say you don't think they should have a bedtime, but now you're saying a time they should be in bed by?
IMO they should have a bedtime,your husband's times feel a bit too early. But I'd say 10pm on school nights for sure. 10.30/11 otherwise

Haha the inexperience of reality.

I meant that the parent should talk to the child.

Teens 13,15 still have a bedtime one we need time together and two they would stay up all night and never realise how overtired and grumpy etc they get. Anyway no issues as all kids are used to there various bed times

I think it really depends on the teen. If they're the type to stay up and struggle the next day then having a bedtime is probably sensible. However for a 15 year old I think 9/9:30 is unreasonably early. My 11 year old goes to bed at 9 on weekdays and about 10:30/11 on weekends. She never gets up later than 7:30 regardless of what time she went to bed though!

When my 2 were teens they didn’t have set bedtime but they were never up late anyway so didn’t need one.

Following for responses, because I keep thinking I'm supposed to enforce a bedtime for 14yo DS and half heartedly trying to, but he doesn't stick to it and reacts with surprise when I mention it. It prevents me from inviting him to do stuff with him in the evening, because by the time I think about it and everyone has eaten, it's usually 9pm+ and I think oh, well I had better not encourage him to stay up - but maybe I ought to let him self regulate this and prioritise connecting with him?

For context, he has ADHD (as do I, which is why I'm a bit chaotic about enforcing rules) and he, I and his doctor were discussing the issue of him struggling to wake up in the morning and agreed on a 9:30 bedtime with 9pm wind down time. But because he has fixed the issue of not getting up in the morning by changing his alarm clock, he thinks that it's OK to go to bed late because he doesn't need to use that to change that behaviour any more!

@tallcypowder stepson has been like this every since I've known him at 8 years old.

I have a 14 year old son. He is nothing like this and I would not out up ewith him ruining my sleep, potentially waking the 4 year old, demanding I feed him and having no manners, being awake all night and spoiling everyone's day by staying in bed until 2pm.

It's not inexperience. It's basic boundaries and respect.

Left to his own devices he will go to bed at 10:30/11 on school nights so maybe not so bad as what some others are reporting here and I should let him decide!

Weekdays - I'd say lights out by 10pm ideally.
Weekends - flexible

But the first thing I'd change and one we always insisted in - no phones/games consoles/tablets in bedrooms overnight. That then usually solves the bedtime issue anyway.

It’s about having rules and boundaries.
Whilst they live in your house they need to follow your rules.

You can’t force a 15 year old to do anything but that doesn’t mean you should allow them to get away with everything.

You have a set bedtime from an early age and then every year you extend it and become more lenient on weekends.

If you drop all of the rules simply because you’re worried you can’t enforce them then you could have very challenging teenage years.

Having boundaries teaches teens to self regulate and learn how to take care of themselves.

@BertieBotts

how is he when he gets up in the morning? Refreshed or tired?

i'd go by that, he's done well to change his alarm & get up at the required time.

I don't think imposing an earlier bedtime for the sake of an hour, is really worth the grief if he's already trying by himself, but maybe discussing how he's too tired in the mornings (if he is) means he needs to get more sleep & getting him come to the conclusion that he needs to go to bed earlier, maybe setting a reminder on his phone.

At that age it was lights out by 10 on school nights. Relaxed at weekends.
Only dropped the bedtime when they went to college

Yes mine do. My teens are 13 and 15. They are up early for school so weekdays 9pm but both do read for a while. Weekends more flexible but I generally send them up about 10pm so me and dh can have a bit of time to ourselves.

Mine as teenagers were actually quite self regulated. Often just deciding to go to bed although the Internet wasn't an issue then!
Back in the depths of time it was 9pm when the news came on for me. I thought it was too early particularly in the summer when others would still be outside! My best friend was very jealous of me..hers was 6.30 until she was 16! 😲 made me appreciate mine..😆

Your DH sounds like a control freak. 9pm is far too early for a 15 year old. My 14 year old's football training and midweek matches don't finish until 9pm! Most teenagers I know are out at activities /sports until that time at least some of the week. Time for your DH to realise that he has an almost adult in the house and child free evenings are a thing of the past.

It’s better to not have any rules than to half heartedly do them.

What sort of activities do you want to do with him in the evening?

These may be a nice way for him to relax before bedtime.

Me and my DD both have ADHD and we set bedtimes but after that we read for up to an hour before we actually go to sleep.

Things with a screen like phones, TVs etc are not good to use just before bed as they mess with your sleep pattern.
This is especially true for people with ADHD.

If I were you I’d try and eat a bit earlier and do your evening activities together as it’s lively having that time together.
Then go to bed.

The time depends on what time he’s going now.
If it’s say 2am then don’t do it any earlier than 11pm else it will be too early for him.
You can gradually make it earlier and earlier.

You may need to look into melatonin.
Some of the ADHD students I work with use it and take it really early and sleep soundly through the night but I’ve never tried it.

Also it depends on what time your DCs have to get up.

If your DC doesn’t need to get out of bed until 8:30 then they’re going to have a later bedtime than a DC that needs to get up at 6am.

Sorry my apologises I misunderstood, I didn’t want to put all the times between 1am and 4am. I was using examples of students who are tired and come in and when ask when did you go to bed they say times such as those.

Depends in the child . When I stopped telling my kids it was bed time around 14/15 they took themselves to bed around 10pm so not a bad time. But one of my sons would do all nighters and other times go to sleep at 3am etc

Different options , not different times

I thought you were saying either they need set bedtimes or they go to bed really late.

I was pointing out that there are other options, like talking with your child and seeing how they monitor it themselves.

There was a great program a year or two ago on sleep, screens and effects. Panorama maybe. Had parents of 2 Yr olds with iPads at bedtime wondering why they didn’t sleep. Message was that kids these days are in a screen induced (phones, tvs, iPads) sleep deprived rut. Just an hour less sleep affects everything from their mood to their grades will improve. Same for sport and teen friendship stuff. It’s very clear that my teen’s friends are knackered, no phone limits and people messaging at midnight and beyond. And their behaviour is much more irrational and emotional as a result.

On school nights, my 13 yr old goes to bed 9 ish for 10 hours sleep. She still struggles to get up for school. I’ve said she can go later when she gets up ok and so far thats not happened. My 11 year old goes at 8 ish (11 hours). Sometimes sport or social activities interfere but then we play catch up, so maybe half an hour earlier next day, if they seem tired. They only get a couple of phone hours per day so they’ve run out by evening usually anyway and they go off fully at 7 (11 yr old) and 8pm (13 Yr old). They both read before bed, 13 yr old not keen but she will listen to music/draw/chat with us. Slow, quiet non reactive stuff that relaxes before bed.

sleepovers all bets are off (I’m very relaxed then as it’s a treat, but they do quite a few these days) but other than special occasions they go to bed at normal times at weekends, give or take a half hour. As a pp said, if the options are reading or listening to music, there’s less to stay up for and, something I continue to be astonished about, very little kickback so far.

It depends how able they are to self regulate, my dd really needs a fair amount of support to make sure she gets enough sleep.

Up til she was 16 phones were kept downstairs and on week nights bedtime was 10-11pm.

Now she is 17 and she is much better at making sure she gets enough sleep, she is similar to me and needs 8-9 hours to not feel tired.

Weekdays definitely although 9pm to 9.30pm seems early for a 15 year old, my DD (12) goes to bed at 9.

Weekends I would be more relaxed although I wouldn’t want them up after I was in bed.

I can’t help thinking your DH’s position is very stringent and while I do agree with him in principle on the bedtime I think being so hardline about it probably antagonises both you and your kid unecessarily.

many many 15 year olds are up on their X boxes, or whatever the equivalent is, all night if they are allowed to get away with it.
they Do need a bed time