To think our 15 year old does NOT need a bedtime.

[NotTonightDeidre]

This is a source of much disagreement in our house.

DH thinks teen should have a strict bedtime.

I do not.

He thinks I'm in the minority and that all the parents of teens around us are enforcing bedtimes on their teenage offspring (even at weekends).

I believe that most will be allowing their teens a lwcel of autonomy - especially at weekends.

Who's right? What do you do if you have teens?

I didn't impose a time because they took themselves off to bed early enough that they could get up by themselves in the morning at 6.45am, get into the shower, were absolutely delightful personality wise, got themselves breakfast, watched a bit of news to keep up with events and then went to school. Lots of their mates gamed through the night and were falling asleep in class.

There were occasions where we were all out at parties and we were all tired on the Sunday and no one wanted to repeat that experience every day. If they didn't self regulate I would absolutely have set a going up to your room and no tech time.

Overtired teens must be a nightmare for teachers.

To DC17 I do say school night up by 11pm and weekends no later than midnight. That’s more about getting him upstairs so he doesn’t wake everyone else up when he comes to bed. If I left him to it he’d be up until 2am!
DC16 decides their own bedtime and goes when they’re tired so don’t need to fuss with that one

No bedtime for our 15 year old. She might get a raised eyebrow if she's still up at 11.30 but that's it.

She usually chooses to have her light out by 10.30.

I on the other hand had a very strict bed time as a teen and now stay up far too late, enjoy the illicit feeling of being up past everyone else.

This 👆

When I have baby sat for children (admittedly younger but the principle is the same) I gave them a level of autonomy by saying you can go to bed when you like but the limit is x time (x dependent on age). 100% of the time, they elected to go to bed before the deadline.

This is how things are at the minute...

Weekdays....
DH says bedtime should be 9 to 9:30pm.
I think 10 to 10:30pm is more realistic.
Teen will push it around 11pm at the earliest.
He needs to leave for school at around 8 to 8:15am, so up at 7am?!
Sometimes he gets up fine, other times he struggles but I think this largely depends on what lessons he has.

Weekends....
DH says 10pm
I think 11pm
Teen would stay up until whenever.
He doesn't need to be up at the weekends generally so gets to lie in.

He's often talking to friends on his phone/xbox. I feel like we're the only ones imposing a time limit as it's always him that's ending/leaving the call whilst others carry on.
DS has downtime set on his phone via family link but that doesn't stop others calling him.

I did, 9 o'clock on a school night, 9.30 at weekends. I had half an hour reading in bed before I was expected to turn the light off.

This!
Teens are babied on here.

I would agree with your DH. 15 year olds make plenty of stupid decisions among the good ones and it’s a good time to teach sleep hygiene. I know of plenty of teens who would not learn from the consequences of being tired alone when they could be doing something they enjoy in the night hours (my dh still hasn’t properly learnt this). However, I don’t know your teens, so they may be the sort who learn very naturally themselves and aren’t short-term enjoyment focused.

Teens need sleep and structure. Lack of both when hormones are developing can lead to or exacerbate mental health problems. Teens definitely need a device cut off time in the evening even if they don't have a strict bedtime.

I don’t remember having a bedtime at this age, & my almost 15 year old doesn’t either. If it’s a school night & she’s watching telly with us, we will turn the telly off around 10pm for our bedtime anyway, & she’ll go upstairs, but it’s up to her when she turns her light out. She’s sensible, she’ll put herself to bed early when tired etc.

Or talk to them about it? It’s not one or the other.

In the week yes. It should not just be bed time,it should be time when devices are removed from then. This may sound harsh but in the last few years there has been an epidemic of pupils falling asleep my school- not just down to my lessons being boring🤣

That seems really early for a 15 year old, especially at weekends if they’ve not got to be up early the next day.

Phone not in bedroom at night time might solve some of the issues, though most parents would take your arm off if you knew how to achieve that with a 15 year old.

Around 10pm on weekdays I'd be arguing for.

Eldest is 14. She used to have a phone down time set but we’re trying without. But we keep an eye on her phone use and if it’s creeping later we mention it. If it gets too late she knows we’ll reinstate the down time.

OP I think 10pm at the weekends is really early.

My 14 year old doesn't but he's good at self regulating and gets up in the morning no problem.
I did not appreciate strict rules as a teen and left home very young as a result.

I think I told my 15 year old to get to bed if it was getting past 10pm on a school night. He was usually fine to do so (would have been caught up playing online games so lost track of time).
My daughter needed no reminding she was in bed by 9pm most nights!

I have a 15 yo and a 17 yo.
Their bedtimes are none of my business unless they are too tired to function, and then it becomes my business. When it becomes my business, I talk to them, explain my concerns, listen to their side, and ultimately leave it up to them.

Also, I'm usually in bed by 9.30, so I have no idea how I'd enforce a bedtime!

My 2 are 13 & 16 - we aim for 10:30 bedtime on weekdays. Nowt on weekends unless we have something on the next day. All tech is left downstairs to charge except Kindles & a smart clock - which they can listen to music, podcasts on.

They've always had a bedtime of about 10pm even as smaller kids as DH used to commute & we ate together so supper was late (according to our friends). Now the 16 year old friends, who used to have stricter/earlier bedtimes are going a bit mad with freedom - falling asleep in class, online til silly o'clock whereas we've just carried on as before. A bit like our easy access sweet drawer, forbidden fruit is more fun than something you can have.

So I'd say 10:30/11 on weekdays is about right so long as he's is up and about with alarm on school days. Plus no tech in the bedroom (or lock it down so only books & podcasts are available) so that the bedroom is for sleeping.

As soon as my parents stopped giving me a formal bedtime (when I was about 12) I started going to bed much earlier, as a rule, than when I'd been trying to uphold the later bedtime I'd 'fought for' I was usually in bed by 9pm on weeknights as a teenager. This was back in the 1980s.

Ds15 has a bedtime Sunday to Thursday during term time of 10.30pm.

Weekends or holidays it's up to him, unless we have something planned for the next day in which case there's the odd earlier bedtime then.

He has plenty of freedom and autonomy in many areas but teens are not renowned for their excellent decision making. It's not babying them to enforce some basic rules at 15. They still need parenting.

Ours (15 and 12) are in bed by 10. We want them out of the way by then so we can do our own thing, ha ha. They don't mind.

This, absolutely.

DS, if left to his own devices, will watch YouTube until 2am. I chase him off to bed at 9.30 on school nights.

my 17 year old is still harried to go to sleep at about 10.30, which effectively is 11, giving him 8 hours. Not on Fridays or Saturdays, unless he has work the next day, but certainly during term time, and especially if there are exams. And it will be the same next year, even if he is 18. He has ASD so while he is in education I make sure he has reminders