Page 6 | OK for child to take, and play, a musical instrument?

ThisOldThang · 2023-05-07T08:13:43+00:00

Is it ok for a child to bring and (loudly) play a musical instrument at a birthday party? This has now happened at both my young childrens' birthday parties. A child's parents have arrived with child + acoustic guitar and the child has loudly played the guitar in our living room when everybody is socialising. The child appears to be on the spectrum and is very talented, but I don't think either of those things is a valid reason for inflicting loud, intrusive music onto everybody when you're attending a birthday party. AIBU?

hamwallet · 07/05/2023 16:53

HecticHedgehog · 07/05/2023 16:13

Honestly op you just sound horrendously uneducated about asd. Asd children can often appear rude, oblivious, dislike talking about things that aren't their interests, can be controlling etc etc. he's 8, he still has a lot to learn and figure out. Even NT 8 year olds can take a while to learn and grasp what is/isn't acceptable in various situations.

Nothing is a coping mechanism until its introduced is it. A fidget toy isn't until someone introduces it and the person find it helps them. headphones aren't until someone introduces them and the person finds they help.

You drip fed the child has asd. Post it in the neurodiverse or send board and you will get totally different responses from people who actually understand asd,

Anyway it doesn't sound like you are interested in learning about asd and why these behaviours occurs and how to handle them, just parent blaming as I said before.

So we should just put up with all the behaviours that other people get affected by because the person doing so is autistic? No. Of course not. Maybe being a little more understanding yes but putting up with rude behaviour? No.

So sick of seeing parents on this board excusing every single thing because the kid is autistic. It's not a faux pass. To let any child get away with anything they want and falling back to the 'but he / she is autistic' is just downright lazy.

pinkyredrose · 07/05/2023 16:56

oviraptor21 · 07/05/2023 09:18

Acoustic guitar is not loud.
Child is 'on the spectrum' and this is perhaps a way of managing otherwise potentially worse behaviours.
Parents could do more to prevent disruption or dominance of party although depends how long child is playing for. Have you spoken to them about it?

I guess you've never played one. They can be very loud!

HecticHedgehog · 07/05/2023 17:04

@hamwallet where have I said that? I haven't. Its ironic that ND people are said to have communication issues when it seems to be the NT people that read things that have literally never been written and complain about things they refuse to communicate to the other person about.

hamwallet · 07/05/2023 17:05

HecticHedgehog · 07/05/2023 17:04

@hamwallet where have I said that? I haven't. Its ironic that ND people are said to have communication issues when it seems to be the NT people that read things that have literally never been written and complain about things they refuse to communicate to the other person about.

It's ironic that you assume I'm NT. where in my reply have I said I'm NT?

tealgate · 07/05/2023 17:22

Better than a super soaker

Reugny · 07/05/2023 17:29

It's rude.

I went to a party where some adults plus myself encouraged kids to play instruments. However they were already in the house, the host allowed the kids to touch them, and one of the kids played well so we got a bit of a concert. The kid's mother was horrified when she came in from the garden and saw us sitting listening. 😂

Reason we encourage this is one of the adults we all know is a great piano player but has severe stage fright so can't play Infront of anyone.

TrashyPanda · 07/05/2023 17:43

This would make the party unbearable for many deaf people (including those with hearing loss, who do not yet wear hearing aids)

loud, live music on top of a room full of people laughing and chatting would make it very difficult to “hone in” on an individual person speaking. The cacophony of noise can be very overwhelming. Deafness is a very isolating disability and this sort of thoughtless behaviour makes it worse.

plus, it’s antisocial to subject the party goers to an 8 year old playing the guitar for more than 5 minutes

HecticHedgehog · 07/05/2023 17:52

@hamwallet I haven't assumed you are NT. Several people have said I've said it's acceptable when I have said nothing of the sort. On a balance of probabilities, most will be NT.

HecticHedgehog · 07/05/2023 17:53

ReadersD1gest · 07/05/2023 16:41

You're coming across as quite hectoring to op, @HecticHedgehog ? And rude, frankly.

You should probably blame my parents

KittyAlfred · 07/05/2023 18:27

herewego9 · 07/05/2023 12:17

Don't be silly @ReadersD1gest, just let talented kids be talented. No need to keep music only to recitals 😊. This is definitely a British thing, other countries are just so much better at nurturing this kind of thing rather than raised to think skills should be hidden.

If I had a child who was gifted at maths, would it be OK for them to stand in the middle of the room shouting out times tables?

KittyAlfred · 07/05/2023 18:43

HecticHedgehog · 07/05/2023 16:13

Honestly op you just sound horrendously uneducated about asd. Asd children can often appear rude, oblivious, dislike talking about things that aren't their interests, can be controlling etc etc. he's 8, he still has a lot to learn and figure out. Even NT 8 year olds can take a while to learn and grasp what is/isn't acceptable in various situations.

Nothing is a coping mechanism until its introduced is it. A fidget toy isn't until someone introduces it and the person find it helps them. headphones aren't until someone introduces them and the person finds they help.

You drip fed the child has asd. Post it in the neurodiverse or send board and you will get totally different responses from people who actually understand asd,

Anyway it doesn't sound like you are interested in learning about asd and why these behaviours occurs and how to handle them, just parent blaming as I said before.

There was no drip feed. OP said she thinks the child may be on the spectrum in her first post. A spectrum is a range, so this child could be right at the end, and from what OP says he probably is. There’s nothing wrong with trying to teach children how to behave in social settings. My profoundly autistic cousin couldn’t comprehend any such education, but his ASD brother most certainly could.

gettingoldisshit · 07/05/2023 19:37

Its rude and extremely selfish of the parents to allow this.

ReadersD1gest · 07/05/2023 21:15

HecticHedgehog · 07/05/2023 17:53

You should probably blame my parents

Show quote history

Why, are you <10 years old?

SummerCycling · 07/05/2023 23:06

TrashyPanda · 07/05/2023 17:43

This would make the party unbearable for many deaf people (including those with hearing loss, who do not yet wear hearing aids)

loud, live music on top of a room full of people laughing and chatting would make it very difficult to “hone in” on an individual person speaking. The cacophony of noise can be very overwhelming. Deafness is a very isolating disability and this sort of thoughtless behaviour makes it worse.

plus, it’s antisocial to subject the party goers to an 8 year old playing the guitar for more than 5 minutes

Well said @TrashyPanda Deaf people, people who are HoH should be considered far more than they are in my opinion. A friend of mine is Deaf and it often upsets me to see how little help or understanding she often receives in life. Certain groups get all the attention while others don't and it's wrong.

Autism is no excuse to behave like that with a noisy instrument totally disregarding everyone else present. Other people can also have (hidden) disabilities, conditions, etc not only autistic people.

Plus, you don't even need any disability at all to be completely stressed out by noise like the OP described in a situation like that.

Considering it's a young child, the parents should make sure it isn't happening and I don't understand why they are letting their child behave that way. I might even take the damn guitar away from him if I were at one of those parties.. and tell the child it's safe and he/ she can take it home afterwards. It's so unfair on everyone else to be in that awful noise.

JudgeRudy · 07/05/2023 23:20

I have a friend who plays guitar. Sometimes when I'm visiting him he just starts jamming. It's OK for 10 mins but l really don't want to listen to it. Its not the volume as such, its just so dominating. Depending what mood we're in sometimes he'll stop and sometimes I'll just leave. Now if someone brings a guitar to someone else's home that options not there.

Saying the autism isn't relavent isn't really true. I guess it depends how inclusive you want to be. I think there needs to be a compromise from both ends. I'd guess the guitar is his safety blanket and allows him to mix with others....however it's at the expense of everyone else. I think you need to be honest. Say you're happy for parent to get the guitar from the car and play maybe 3 tunes but that's it.
It could be the parents are unaware how intrusive it is and that whilst they're thrilled at how talented he is it's pretty tedious for others. It might even be that if you think about it, maybe one of the parents is a bit autistic too without even knowing and misses social queues. If these are your friends I'm sure they'll listen.

MrsSkylerWhite · 07/05/2023 23:26

KittyAlfred · Today 18:27

If I had a child who was gifted at maths, would it be OK for them to stand in the middle of the room shouting out times tables?”

🤣

JudgeRudy · 07/05/2023 23:30

herewego9 · 07/05/2023 10:26

Don't see the issue at all, many posters sound jealous of musical ability here.

Bingo! Wondered how long it would be before accusations of jealousy arose. Seems to be the current go to answer for anyone who dares to disagree, criticise or not dislike something/one

I'm not sure I'd wear that myself, it's a bit revealing for a wedding....jealous of your figure
My kids being bullied.....jealous of their personality
My SIL ignored my baby's birthday....jealous coz you've got a kid
My BF says my OH is a creep....jealous she hasn't got a fella
There a kid causing a nuisance in my home....jealous of his musical ability

Noones jealous. He's just a bloody nuisance and parents are encouraging it.

SkyandSurf · 08/05/2023 00:11

@JudgeRudy that occurred to me as well. A lot of adults only realise they are autistic when their child is diagnosed and they realise they are the same.

There is a strong genetic component to autism and autistic traits (even if it doesn't meet the threshold for an autism diagnosis) One or both of the parents might lack some insight or social awareness and not realise something they find delightful would be annoying to others.

SkyandSurf · 08/05/2023 00:45

TrashyPanda · 07/05/2023 17:43

This would make the party unbearable for many deaf people (including those with hearing loss, who do not yet wear hearing aids)

loud, live music on top of a room full of people laughing and chatting would make it very difficult to “hone in” on an individual person speaking. The cacophony of noise can be very overwhelming. Deafness is a very isolating disability and this sort of thoughtless behaviour makes it worse.

plus, it’s antisocial to subject the party goers to an 8 year old playing the guitar for more than 5 minutes

Thanks for this.

Even deaf / HoH people with hearing aids would struggle. Most hearing devices don't do well with overlapping noises.

I also agree with another poster who pointed out how rarely deaf/HoH people are considered let alone accommodated compared to other disabilities.

SummerCycling · 12/05/2023 14:13

herewego9 · 07/05/2023 12:01

@SkyandSurf surely grown adults aren't annoyed with a talented child playing music? There's a major chip on the shoulders of a lot of Brits where they can't see someone doing something well without wanting to tear them down - a real shame.

Why are you assuming the child had musical talent and was playing music rather than just making a noise with a guitar?

If the child was good, people would likely enjoy listening to it (for a while).

I get the impression it's noise pollution rather than music in this case. Even if the child is talented, it's not the right time or place to continue playing is it.

Nothing to do with Brits wanting to tear someone down for doing something well - some other cultures would be more direct and tell the child to stop! (I have lived in 4 other countries).