OK for child to take, and play, a musical instrument?

[ThisOldThang]

Is it ok for a child to bring and (loudly) play a musical instrument at a birthday party?

This has now happened at both my young childrens' birthday parties.

A child's parents have arrived with child + acoustic guitar and the child has loudly played the guitar in our living room when everybody is socialising.

The child appears to be on the spectrum and is very talented, but I don't think either of those things is a valid reason for inflicting loud, intrusive music onto everybody when you're attending a birthday party.

AIBU?

Do let me know the next time you’re hosting a special event. Perhaps a nice dinner party? I can think of a few kids who’d just love to share their fledgling violin talent with your whole group for an hour or two.

This is now reminding me of the time my lovely friend came to visit, she discovered the guitar and plonked and sung her way some Irish song or other. I've no idea if t was good or bad, but it halted conversation between DH, herself and I and felt hideously awkward to me whilst she was doing it, and I felt obliged to clap at the end.

After a similar incident with a relative, we have now hidden the guitar in the garage. I guess we're just not arty enough.

Sorry but you don't. It's incredibly frustrating when people assume they know how a child that is not theirs can cope or is 'high functioning', There is no such thing.

The child may be using this as a coping mechanism, busy place, lots of people around, unpredictable, all causing anxiety that won't necessarily be obvious to anyone else. It may be the only way he can cope with being there.

I'm sure a compromise could be reached,

@HecticHedgehog hard to reach a compromise when the guitar playing DS is presented as a fait accompli without any prior discussion.

The child appears to be on the spectrum

🙄🙄🙄

Absolutely not acceptable.

Just because they’re on the spectrum, doesn’t mean they should get no rules.

It easier stays at home or they don’t go to the party.

Some people are crap parents who can’t enforce even the basic rules but I suspect this has nothing to do with lack of parenting and more about the parents wanting all eyes on them all of the time.

@HecticHedgehog

The compromise could be (depending on the setting):

'Timmy is going to perform his favourite song for us' and then put the guitar away.

Or Timmy is given a bedroom or side room to play in so he doesn't take over the main party space.

If it's grandpa's 70th then he probably won't mind one song. If it's his cousin's 7th birthday then frankly Timmy has no right to take centre stage.

It doesn't sound like the parents are considering others or looking for compromise- they've just showing up and unleashing the noise on everyone.

Your daughter was playing piano at someone else's wedding?

Glad it wasn't my wedding. Totally inappropriate.

So you'd have to ask yourself; why is he there? It's a kid's party, if a child is getting nothing out of it and is disrupting proceedings into the bargain, why take him in the first place?

We have a few massive show off DC in our extended family. 1 has ADHD and one ASD, the other 3 NT. I always corral them into a side room/bedroom and suggest they all rehearse and prepare a GRAND SHOW. Then we all have a great party and at the end we all watch the 'show' and cheer and clap. It's a way of containing it all to a 20 min window 😂

Now I know that they are family, I can see why the parents might think it's ok.

Going to a family party at Aunty's house is a bit different to turning up at a friend's party. For a start, he might not want to go and the guitar is the carrot. Secondly, they probably think that you love him, understand his needs and are ok with it.

You mention that he is rude. I teach and children with autism are blunt. It is rigid, black and white thinking, communication differences and a limited understanding of how they come across to others. At 8, he is still learning. Parents are ignoring it because they are picking their battles and avoiding conflict or meltdowns.

For fucks sake, everyone isn't always jealous every time someone does something that they object to!

Rubbish. I have three grade 8s and a music degree, and I think it's very rude. If it's a coping mechanism for the child that's one thing, but you'd think the parents would have a word with the host beforehand?

@ReadersD1gest why do you assume he gets nothing out of it?

It's a family gathering, maybe he wants to actually see and spend time with his family?

Maybe he/his parents don't want him to be stuck at home hidden and isolated?

If a child was coping by having a blanket, or a quiet fidget toy, or needing some time alone in a quiet room for a part of the party would you still say they're getting nothing out of going so should stay at home? Or is it only the inconvenient disabled kids that you think should be excluded?

Which would be fine if nobody else has any of their own things going on. People have mentioned upthread that their ND DC would struggle with this noise, and others have mentioned a DC with hearing problems. I myself find it hard to cope when there are too many external noises and distractions at one time - I think it's a combination of menopause and losing my hearing slightly.

Keeping one DC calm at an event that it doesn't sound like he wants to be at anyway could be causing a lot of distress to the other attendees.

@ReadersD1gest

He's part of the family. He's getting social exposure out of it and his parents are living their lives, not cloistered away at home because their child has ASD.

I would want to throw the guitar out the window after three minutes but I don't think the guitar playing child should be expected to stay home.

Guitar playing child needs to be accommodated - but playing guitar in the living room while holding everyone hostage isn't the way to do it.

@rookiemere This is MN - people with disabilities that make them sensitive to noise (rather than noisy) don’t matter.

I don't think anyone should be "excluded", but if a child can only cope in the environment by doing something that disrupts everything else going on, I'd question why anyone would force him to go, yes.
The same as if he could only cope in a restaurant/cinema/theatre by strumming his guitar.

Comparing it to bringing a comfort blanket is just ludicrous 🙄

This would get on my nerves. Unless it's 'happy birthday' they're strumming along to, save it for home

If a child was coping by having a blanket, or a quiet fidget toy, or needing some time alone in a quiet room for a part of the party would you still say they're getting nothing out of going so should stay at home? Or is it only the inconvenient disabled kids that you think should be excluded?

I know a few people who use drumming as a way of self regulating.
It is great that they have this as it genuinely makes a massive difference.

But they cannot take a drum kit everywhere they go and start playing whenever they start deregulating as it’s just not physically possible.

They do have a mini foam drumstick/pencil that they will use to tap whenever needed.
It is practically silent and can fit in their pocket.

If it is annoying anyone else then they need to stop or do it elsewhere.
They do not ever expect the entire room to stop everything to listen to them drumming.

@ReadersD1gest

Who said he was forced to go? It's a family event. Plenty of autistic people do actually like to see family and socialise. Although no doubt we will get a drip feed shortly anyway.

It's not ludicrous at all. Both are coping mechanisms it's just one disturbs you and one doesn't. Hence why I said in my OP I'm sure a compromise could be reached. He isn't in a cinema or a restaurant, he's visiting his own family who I would assume love him and want him to be there. I mean if you can't compromise when it comes to trying to make sure your own family members can be included rather than excluded.... well.

But op (who is his family and undoubtedly loves him) doesn't want him playing his guitar when she's hosting her child's party 🤷🏻‍♀️
It clearly is an issue, however much you declare it isn't.
A compromise maybe that he sits in a completely separate room from everyone else to play, or in the garden, but that kind of gives the lie to him wanting to be there in the first place?

That's a great alternative :)

Op hasn't said the child demands everyone listens to them. Someone already asked and she didn't respond to them but did others so presumably they aren't.

As I said in my first post, I'm sure a comprise could be found, I haven't said it's acceptable the child disrupts everyone. But I'm sure a way around it can be found so everyone is happy (like in your post).

Although tbh if they were my family I wouldn't be visiting at all as it's clear OP is very uneducated about neurodiversity and is only interested in parent blaming.

@ReadersD1gest I have never said it isn't an issue. I have never said it's acceptable. I've tried to explain why it might be happening (a coping mechanism for the child) and said I'm sure a comprise could be found.

I think that is quite rude actually. You go to a party to participate not to willfully do your own thing, disrupting everyone else.

Spot on. Very rude and attention seeking.