OK for child to take, and play, a musical instrument?

[ThisOldThang]

Is it ok for a child to bring and (loudly) play a musical instrument at a birthday party?

This has now happened at both my young childrens' birthday parties.

A child's parents have arrived with child + acoustic guitar and the child has loudly played the guitar in our living room when everybody is socialising.

The child appears to be on the spectrum and is very talented, but I don't think either of those things is a valid reason for inflicting loud, intrusive music onto everybody when you're attending a birthday party.

AIBU?

HecticHedgehog there really is no compromise other than the invited child plays in another room (if this is suitable, not a one bedroom flat etc.) if the family hosting and child having the birthday don't want to listen them all afternoon. Otherwise the child just doesn't go.

My ASD childs' needs really don't trump those of the birthday child, they really don't!

I know, "inclusion" BS. I cringe when I see that word these days

"Keeping one DC calm at an event that it doesn't sound like he wants to be at anyway could be causing a lot of distress to the other attendees."

You are quite right but as op didn't mention that anyone was distressed, I assumed it was more of an annoyance than a case of other nd adults and children being forced to suffer.

Really, I think this does not have to be a big deal and is mainly miscommunication.

The child takes pride and comfort in playing, and does not understand the social cues that suggest it might not be appropriate.

His parents think Aunty understands that he is autistic and doesn't seem to mind, and also that he needs social experiences.

Aunty is annoyed but doesn't say or do anything to suggest this.

So surely can easily be sorted?

But of course mn needs a raging, insensitive villain to kick so the parents must be thoughtless show-off types with an obnoxious kid.

Well if I wasn't the host I wouldn't have made a big thing of it, but I genuinely struggle to heat when there is more than one noise source in a room. I'm only 53 so I'm a bit embarrassed about it, in these circumstances I'd probably just leave earlier than I had planned.

hear not heat

I think the child does it to prevent everybody else chatting, but not to get attention/praise for themselves.

As I previously said, the child is very spoilt and can be incredibly rude. The child delights in being contrarian and saying things designed to offend.

I think the root cause is ultimately (very high functioning) autism, but the child is very intelligent and is easily capable of understanding social rules that are explained to them. I do blame the parents for not explaining and enforcing how to behave - i.e. this is Child X's birthday and it isn't appropriate to take your guitar.

The child has been attending family events since birth and the guitar was a birthday present last year, so I know it isn't an' essential coping mechanism', as some people insist it to be.

If they’re family, have you spoken to the parents about the fact it makes it hard to chat and hear anything else?

If its a family birthday just send them up to a bedroom to play

God, sometimes the "compromise" is - if you can't join in with the other children at a child's birthday party, don't go 🙄
Maybe the parents need to take him to the park instead.

So what you are saying is that the child is neurodiverse - seems to find lots of people chatting difficult to handle and is using music as a coping mechanism? So at the root cause - this is their way of handling such noisy and complex social situations? Whilst I get that this is annoying - wouldnt having a chat with the parents and attempt to be sympathetic be more useful? The kid is clearly using guitar/music as a coping mechanism, the fact that they've only had it for a few months doesnt change that. What I find odd is that this is family and you know they are neurodiverse but you just seem livid at them

Although it's a young child's birthday. I'm not sure it's a children's party.
OP has said the guitar playing child is disturbing people chatting and socialising. No mention of not joining in with the children.

I'm not livid.

I do think the parents are unreasonable for doing this twice in a matter of weeks.

I don't think they're doing the child any favours by raising him without appropriate boundaries / social education.

I don't think it's a coping mechanism. I think it's a symptom of him being devoid of empathy and having a dislike of conversations that involve other people's interests.

Incidentally, a cousin is deaf and wears processors, but wasn't present yesterday - we were told the child was ill, but perhaps it was due to the ubiquitous guitar?

Oh, ok.

Totally selfish and inappropriate behaviour. I agree that asd doesn't justify playing a loud instrument and ruining other people's birthday parties.

I would not invite that child to parties in future because it sounds like parties are too stressful for him/her if they need to constantly play a loud instrument to get through them

Instead of inviting them to a party, I'd invite him/her separately for tea or something calm with fewer people to make sure they're not left out (which could feel a bit mean otherwise considering the asd) and hopefully more at ease so won't need to keep making a racket.

I think the parents are being irresponsible and opening up their child to being avoided, which is sad.

I wonder why you havent spoken to the parents. Has this only happened twice? Or more than that. I would caution against making judgements about parenting a neurodiverse child. However and again if this is family - why is no one talking to each other, why is there so much judgement

@235rssf

I've posted here to see if I'm being unreasonable. The poll is overwhelmingly against the guitar.

I'll be making is very clear, the next time we host, that the guitar isn't welcome.

but making it very clear is not talking to family. That's issuing ultimatums not working with the parents of a neurodiverse child. The guitar is a red herring, you remove the guitar and the child might just do something else and then what. If a family member is neurodiverse but you would like to continue inviting them to parties then a bit more negotiation and discussion might be necessary. The question in a way is why has there been so little discussion of this between all you guys. It's sounds a tad black and white.....

It sounds as if you have a plan to deal with it op, so that's good.

But please do understand that rude and contrary are often traits of autism. If he's clever, he'll learn to mask and copy others so that he 'fits in' but he is only 8 so still learning.

Parents will be having so many battles behind the scenes that they'll be letting some things go or addressing them later.

Nobody said they do.

And the asd child possibly does too. It's very hard to process when several people are having conversations and there's lots going on. Their way of controlling that stress and anxiety is by controlling situations. It's not ideal, obviously. It sounds like Op hasn't even told his parents it's an issue or had a conversation with them around it about how it's annoying others. No one is psychic.

Honestly op you just sound horrendously uneducated about asd. Asd children can often appear rude, oblivious, dislike talking about things that aren't their interests, can be controlling etc etc. he's 8, he still has a lot to learn and figure out. Even NT 8 year olds can take a while to learn and grasp what is/isn't acceptable in various situations.

Nothing is a coping mechanism until its introduced is it. A fidget toy isn't until someone introduces it and the person find it helps them. headphones aren't until someone introduces them and the person finds they help.

You drip fed the child has asd. Post it in the neurodiverse or send board and you will get totally different responses from people who actually understand asd,

Anyway it doesn't sound like you are interested in learning about asd and why these behaviours occurs and how to handle them, just parent blaming as I said before.

Having autism doesn’t mean you can happily run roughshod over everyone. That’s something I work so hard on with my son - just because something is a ‘coping mechanism’ doesn’t mean it can impact on other people.

If this child has a coping mechanism of playing guitar, the parents could do multiple things to ensure it is done appropriately. Social stories, talking about how it would feel if he wanted to talk and someone loudly played music, listening to guitar on headphones, removing to another space. Children don’t just know how to be socially considerate, they must be taught to do this. Allowing a child to sit playing music loudly while others attempt to socialise isn’t parenting.

I didn't drip feed anything. My original post mentioned that the child appears to be on the spectrum! The parents are waiting for an official diagnosis.

I'm sorry if you find this hard, but the world doesn't revolve around kids with autism.

I know the child very well (far better than you!) and I know that the child is perfectly capable of managing at family events. The guitar isn't a coping mechanism and this is just bad parenting allowing the child to play a guitar loudly in an inappropriate social setting.

At the first birthday party the child attempted to take the guitar from the living room to the dining room, when we moved there to eat, and I had to say 'no guitar please'. The child asked why and I said there wasn't room (there wasn't, but I also didn't want to hear any more music). The child was perfectly able to cope in the dining room without the guitar.

I don't think I should have to be the person pointing out obvious social conventions to other people's kids. I get why the child isn't picking up on social cues, but it's poor parenting if they don't bother doing that themselves.

I'd say it's not OK at all. If anyone is the focus of attention it should be the birthday child, not a guest with an instrument, regardless of the guest's needs. It's just too disruptive.

You're coming across as quite hectoring to op, @HecticHedgehog ? And rude, frankly.