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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Brother has no time to visit niece

116 replies

NatMoz · 07/05/2023 05:53

I don't go to my parents house often with my 17m DD because it's less child friendly, they usually come to me. My brother hasn't seen his niece since Christmas day so was very upset when she cried in his presence and ran to my mum and dad instead. Every time she was left alone in his company she got upset and he felt upset with her reaction.

I explained that to her he was a stranger. She didn't know who he was and wasn't comfortable as he had not built a relationship with her. He explained he had no time to visit me and that i should go to my parents more so that he could see her more.

My mum did argue his case. I am supposedly 'never in' for him to visit (i am a good manager of time and do not waste it). I explained I'm more than happy to look at my diary and find a date that suits but my mum backed him up and said 'well he does have a life you know'.

For perspective, he is 30, lives at home. Does not cook, clean, do his own washing. He does not MOT and service his car, no finger is lifted. My dad picks him up and drops him off every morning/evening at the train station for work so I'm not really sure where all this time has gone that means he has none! He doesn't even do the food shop!

His only duty is full time employment 9-5pm mon-fri and going out with friends.

I live 40 mins away. I do all the normal stuff shared with my husband to keep a household and look after our child.

Admittedly my mum tried her hardest to get DD to warm to him so he didn't feel inadequate as he was upset by her reaction. She also tried to comfort him by saying he wasn't a stranger but my dad agreed with me. She had no clue who he was.

OP posts:
Witchcraftandhokum · 07/05/2023 06:08

You want him to have a relationship with your child but expect him to put the effort in. Your post makes it sound like you're the superior sibling because you got married and popped put a kid.

Sirzy · 07/05/2023 06:11

So you don’t want to go to see him. You will look in your diary to try to make time to see him. But it’s him that’s the problem?

Original poster
NatMoz · 07/05/2023 06:12

Witchcraftandhokum · 07/05/2023 06:08

You want him to have a relationship with your child but expect him to put the effort in. Your post makes it sound like you're the superior sibling because you got married and popped put a kid.

Well of course i would like him to put in some effort, he was the one upset with her reaction not me!

Not the superior child but definitely the child with more time on their hands. It is interesting for you to think I'm the superior one though, that is an interesting perspective. Definitely more capable i admit.

OP posts:
GoodChat · 07/05/2023 06:12

How much did you see your brother before DD was born? How much did you see him before you met DH?

Original poster
NatMoz · 07/05/2023 06:14

Sirzy · 07/05/2023 06:11

So you don’t want to go to see him. You will look in your diary to try to make time to see him. But it’s him that’s the problem?

I'm more than happy to go but my house is more child friendly so on weekends my parents like to come to me. He chooses to stay at home. He could i suppose visit a softplay/animal farm type environment but has no interest in doing so.

what do you suggest instead?

OP posts:
TheNecessaryWoman · 07/05/2023 06:15

He sounds like a giant toddler himself, probably due to his parents infantalising him. It is what it is - you're very busy, he can't be bothered. Neither of those factors are going to change so lower your expectations and accept your brother won't be close to your child.

Original poster
NatMoz · 07/05/2023 06:15

GoodChat · 07/05/2023 06:12

How much did you see your brother before DD was born? How much did you see him before you met DH?

My parents and my brother would always be together as a trio. Regularly, once or twice a month.

OP posts:
Ilikewinter · 07/05/2023 06:16

How is he around kids in general?. When my neice was that age I found it really tricky as I have no interest in kids and I found it difficult to build a relationship with her. As she got older and able to interact more that changed.

Hotfootgoose · 07/05/2023 06:17

The ball is in his court, stop making a big deal over this. It’s his choice, so he can’t feel upset when your child doesn’t know him. It looks like collectively as a family you are all babying him and worrying about his feelings over choices he makes himself .

Original poster
NatMoz · 07/05/2023 06:19

Ilikewinter · 07/05/2023 06:16

How is he around kids in general?. When my neice was that age I found it really tricky as I have no interest in kids and I found it difficult to build a relationship with her. As she got older and able to interact more that changed.

Admittedly zero interaction with children

OP posts:
ooooofffff · 07/05/2023 06:19

If he's that concerned he could spare one afternoon a month to visit, with your parents.

And if he was truly upset about DN not recognising him he could get public transport, or meet you out somewhere.

He wants to moan but expects everyone else to remedy the issue.

GoodChat · 07/05/2023 06:26

@NatMoz and how much if that was you coming to them and how much was you going to them?

Lastqueenofscotland2 · 07/05/2023 06:28

How bad can a house be that you won’t take your child there a couple of times a year…?!

Sunshinejeans · 07/05/2023 06:33

I wouldn’t waste anymore time thinking about it tbh. DH Brother is the same, he’s 28, unemployed & lives with his mum.. our DS is 2 next week and he’s met him probably 5 times in 2 years and wonders why he runs behind someone he does know when we do see him. He knows where we live, we are round MIL at least once a month and he is often not there through his choice. He’s made similar comments in the past and MIL sounds similar to your mum in that she tried to protect his feelings / make excuses but I just tell myself he might understand if he ever has children one day & his lack of interest really has zero impact on DS life.. it’s the “uncle” who misses out. I’d carry on as you are.

Original poster
NatMoz · 07/05/2023 06:37

Lastqueenofscotland2 · 07/05/2023 06:28

How bad can a house be that you won’t take your child there a couple of times a year…?!

We go round more than a couple of times a year! We're going next weekend too in fact!

OP posts:
Original poster
NatMoz · 07/05/2023 06:38

GoodChat · 07/05/2023 06:26

@NatMoz and how much if that was you coming to them and how much was you going to them?

We mostly came to them!

OP posts:
Original poster
NatMoz · 07/05/2023 06:39

Sunshinejeans · 07/05/2023 06:33

I wouldn’t waste anymore time thinking about it tbh. DH Brother is the same, he’s 28, unemployed & lives with his mum.. our DS is 2 next week and he’s met him probably 5 times in 2 years and wonders why he runs behind someone he does know when we do see him. He knows where we live, we are round MIL at least once a month and he is often not there through his choice. He’s made similar comments in the past and MIL sounds similar to your mum in that she tried to protect his feelings / make excuses but I just tell myself he might understand if he ever has children one day & his lack of interest really has zero impact on DS life.. it’s the “uncle” who misses out. I’d carry on as you are.

You're probably right here. It's a shame though as her other aunties/uncles live abroad so she sees them even less!

OP posts:
Londontoderby · 07/05/2023 06:40

Why don’t he just come over more when your parents do. Simple!

PermanentTemporary · 07/05/2023 06:41

I do think you are overthinking what your brother should do. It does sound as if you don't think much of him. Children sometimes express things adults aren't saying. Did you like each other growing up?

Are you having a laugh and a joke with your brother while you're there so dd can see that he's fun, cooking together, going out for a walk together so that you could suggest going to a wood with trees for dd to climb etc, or going via the park?

itsgettingweird · 07/05/2023 06:41

Sirzy · 07/05/2023 06:11

So you don’t want to go to see him. You will look in your diary to try to make time to see him. But it’s him that’s the problem?

Exactly what I was thinking!

Your mum is right. You may look in your diary to fit him in but he also has a life of his own and perhaps can't fit you in when you decide your free to see him.

You come across as though you see yourself far more superior to him which a much more busy and important life.

user1492757084 · 07/05/2023 06:45

Use zoom every week to your child's Uncle.
Build him up a little - be excited to see his face etc.
Once they are familiar with each other both of them will be happier when they meet in person.

Try to visit them a similar number of times that they visit you.
Take it turn about. Your kids needs to learn to visit their home.

You could also invite your brother for a meal a couple of times per year - set a date - encourage him to bring a friend.
Either you cook or you all go out.

GoodChat · 07/05/2023 06:47

We mostly came to them!

So it's you who has stopped making the effort

Crazydoglady1980 · 07/05/2023 06:47

I think you’re getting a bit of a hard time on here OP. Of course you look at diaries to arrange when you can meet up with someone, so it’s a time your both available!
Your brother needs to understand that he is not the baby of the family any more and if he wants things to happen, he needs to work at it too. As others have said, it sounds like he is babied by your Mum and now he wants you to do it too. If he wants a relationship with your child, he needs to put some effort in too. He has told you he is too busy, so take that as he is not interested.

Original poster
NatMoz · 07/05/2023 07:01

itsgettingweird · 07/05/2023 06:41

Exactly what I was thinking!

Your mum is right. You may look in your diary to fit him in but he also has a life of his own and perhaps can't fit you in when you decide your free to see him.

You come across as though you see yourself far more superior to him which a much more busy and important life.

Show quote history

Based on this logic how do people meet up with people ever if they don't check their diaries to see when both are free???

If you don't check diaries with your family and friends what do you do as an alternative? Do you just not meet up with anyone or make a wild guess and hope for the best? So confused! Please elaborate

OP posts:
QuintanaRoo · 07/05/2023 07:04

my in laws will never drive the 2 hours to come and see us. We used to go and see them more often but now I can’t be bothered when they won’t put the effort in either. So we go once a year. You really need to take your turn visiting them. I can’t emphasise how much it gets my back up that my in laws won’t.