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AIBU?

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Original poster

Brother has no time to visit niece

116 replies

NatMoz · 07/05/2023 05:53

I don't go to my parents house often with my 17m DD because it's less child friendly, they usually come to me. My brother hasn't seen his niece since Christmas day so was very upset when she cried in his presence and ran to my mum and dad instead. Every time she was left alone in his company she got upset and he felt upset with her reaction.

I explained that to her he was a stranger. She didn't know who he was and wasn't comfortable as he had not built a relationship with her. He explained he had no time to visit me and that i should go to my parents more so that he could see her more.

My mum did argue his case. I am supposedly 'never in' for him to visit (i am a good manager of time and do not waste it). I explained I'm more than happy to look at my diary and find a date that suits but my mum backed him up and said 'well he does have a life you know'.

For perspective, he is 30, lives at home. Does not cook, clean, do his own washing. He does not MOT and service his car, no finger is lifted. My dad picks him up and drops him off every morning/evening at the train station for work so I'm not really sure where all this time has gone that means he has none! He doesn't even do the food shop!

His only duty is full time employment 9-5pm mon-fri and going out with friends.

I live 40 mins away. I do all the normal stuff shared with my husband to keep a household and look after our child.

Admittedly my mum tried her hardest to get DD to warm to him so he didn't feel inadequate as he was upset by her reaction. She also tried to comfort him by saying he wasn't a stranger but my dad agreed with me. She had no clue who he was.

OP posts:
StephanieSuperpowers · 07/05/2023 08:24

WeWereInParis · 07/05/2023 07:29

I think OP's getting a hard time here. It's her brother who is upset by the situation, so he should be the one trying to fix it. He can't complain his niece barely knows him and also make no effort to see her.

People don't have kids often don't really understand them.

FourEyesGood · 07/05/2023 08:25

CatchYouOnTheFlippetyFlop · 07/05/2023 07:43

From your OP, you sound really smug and rather insufferable.

You’ll be asked to elaborate on this…

queenrollo · 07/05/2023 08:26

Some people on this thread have made their minds up that you are the one with a problem, and I don't think they are reading your posts properly at all.

It's obvious that your parents are the ones who prefer to come to you, that the safety measures at their house are what they choose to do.
It's also obvious that your brother is the one upset over his niece's reaction, and you are feeling frustrated that she would know him better if HE made more effort because at the moment he only sees her if you go there.
He can't have it both ways - either he makes the effort to come over with his parents when they visit you, or accepts that your DD just isn't as comfortable with him.

You don't sound superior at all. Some of the responses on this thread are batshit crazy.

Quveas · 07/05/2023 08:28

He'd drive me nutty but I'm not sure that he's entirely at "fault" here. Your list of complaints about his life style are totally irrelevant to the issue - we really don't need to know who MOTs the car or how he gets to work. So it sounds to me like there's a bit more to this than you are saying. But I'd say it's up to both of you to make this work - if that is genuinely what you both want. If you barely see your parents, then how does anyone build a relationship?

MsWhitworth · 07/05/2023 08:28

He either needs to be there when you’re visiting the parents or come with them when they visit you. If he doesn’t make time to do either of those things, then it’s on him.

RedToothBrush · 07/05/2023 08:34

Sorry but the world doesn't revolve around you and your child. Some people just don't do children because they just aren't able to relate. And putting in the effort with a sister who doesn't get that is only going to drive him away further. You can't force the issue.

It will either change as she gets older and he finds it easier to interact with her or it's not going to happen.

It's not about him not caring, nor not putting in the effort. It's just 'what the fuck are children'.

You have to either be that way naturally inclined or be at the right stage in life.

If it means that much to you, you need to suck it up and visit him because he will continue to be in his single man world where it's just not much of a big deal to not see you. He's just got bigger priorities. And that's ok whether you like it or not.

He didn't decide to have a child; you did. You were ready; he might not be yet.

Greenfairydust · 07/05/2023 08:35

It sounds like this is more about your relationship with your brother than anything else...

I don't see why you expect him to travel to see you and your child all the time and why you seem to think that because you are married and have kids your time is more valuable than his.

Being related to someone does not mean that you will get on and not everyone enjoys the company of kids.

LlynTegid · 07/05/2023 08:35

Seems to me a sad situation, but the real issue is a 30 year old at home being lazy and not doing a share of the running of the house.

Whadda · 07/05/2023 08:40

Are you literally using phrases like “I’ll have to check my diary” when discussing this with him?

Because that comes across as uncaring and inhospitable.

itsgettingweird · 07/05/2023 08:49

Based on this logic how do people meet up with people ever if they don't check their diaries to see when both are free???

Well you obviously check when you're free. But if the other person isn't then you can't meet. What your posts come across as is that your parents mostly come to you and your brother doesn't come with them. That you expect your brother to attend when your diary is free.

Perhaps you'll need to be the one to clear your diary when he's free? Perhaps you'll need to be the one that visits him?

If you don't want to do that you have to accept that your visits will be few and far between and he'll have to accept that until DD is older she'll be wary of him as a stranger.

However you can all make sure when your around brother she knows he's her uncle and not a stranger. She maybe picking up on the fact you treat him as a stranger to her.

My ds and I lived abroad until he was 2. We saw my family 3-4 times a year. He never saw them as strangers because I made sure he knew who they were and spent valuable time with them when we visited or they did.

It may not be a reflection of the actual RL situation but you come across as very cold and superior with an expectation on your brother to make the effort in your posts.

justgettingthroughtheday · 07/05/2023 08:59

RedToothBrush · 07/05/2023 08:34

Sorry but the world doesn't revolve around you and your child. Some people just don't do children because they just aren't able to relate. And putting in the effort with a sister who doesn't get that is only going to drive him away further. You can't force the issue.

It will either change as she gets older and he finds it easier to interact with her or it's not going to happen.

It's not about him not caring, nor not putting in the effort. It's just 'what the fuck are children'.

You have to either be that way naturally inclined or be at the right stage in life.

If it means that much to you, you need to suck it up and visit him because he will continue to be in his single man world where it's just not much of a big deal to not see you. He's just got bigger priorities. And that's ok whether you like it or not.

He didn't decide to have a child; you did. You were ready; he might not be yet.

@RedToothBrush did you miss the bit where it is the BROTHER who is upset that he doesn't have a relationship with the OPs child?

If he wants a relationship then he has to do some leg work. He has to make time to either be there when the OP is at their parents or make time at another point. And when he does he needs to engage with them! It's not on the OP to do that for him

ipswichwitch · 07/05/2023 09:00

A lot of pp are saying that you can’t expect him to want to go to animal farms, understand how small children tick, or for him to know how to interact with small children. I totally agree with all this, but the point is that he’s the one getting upset when OP’s DD isn’t interacting with him. If he’s that bothers he’s getting upset by it, then what’s he doing to improve the situation? Seems to me he wants the adults in his life to sort it for him, like he does everything else in his life 🤷‍♀️

Butchyrestingface · 07/05/2023 09:05

For perspective, he is 30, lives at home. Does not cook, clean, do his own washing. He does not MOT and service his car, no finger is lifted. My dad picks him up and drops him off every morning/evening at the train station for work so I'm not really sure where all this time has gone that means he has none! He doesn't even do the food shop!

I think you really need to manage your expectations here in view of the above.

ThinWomansBrain · 07/05/2023 09:05

maybe encourage your child to be more confident and not throw tantrums on meeting someone new or whom she is less familiar with?

MargotBamborough · 07/05/2023 09:06

itsgettingweird · 07/05/2023 08:49

Based on this logic how do people meet up with people ever if they don't check their diaries to see when both are free???

Well you obviously check when you're free. But if the other person isn't then you can't meet. What your posts come across as is that your parents mostly come to you and your brother doesn't come with them. That you expect your brother to attend when your diary is free.

Perhaps you'll need to be the one to clear your diary when he's free? Perhaps you'll need to be the one that visits him?

If you don't want to do that you have to accept that your visits will be few and far between and he'll have to accept that until DD is older she'll be wary of him as a stranger.

However you can all make sure when your around brother she knows he's her uncle and not a stranger. She maybe picking up on the fact you treat him as a stranger to her.

My ds and I lived abroad until he was 2. We saw my family 3-4 times a year. He never saw them as strangers because I made sure he knew who they were and spent valuable time with them when we visited or they did.

It may not be a reflection of the actual RL situation but you come across as very cold and superior with an expectation on your brother to make the effort in your posts.

But the OP does visit her parents' house, where her brother lives. Whether he is generally there when she visits or not is unclear. He doesn't visit her at her house.

Why should it be on her to do all the travelling with a small baby when her brother is the one complaining that his niece doesn't know him and the current arrangement (where her parents visit her more often) works for everyone else?

Stripedbag101 · 07/05/2023 09:11

Your brother is behaving like a spout brat - and no wonder with that setup.

the thing is this didn’t bother him until he was embarrassed and annoyed that a toddler didn’t run to him like he was the favourite uncle.

it bothered him in the moment - not in the months he didn’t see her.

This man has a rough awakening ahead of him - your parents are doing him no favours.

he should make an effort to see his niece if that is what he wants. I suspect he’s not that bothered - he just threw a fit in the moment.

you are doing nothing wrong

Stripedbag101 · 07/05/2023 09:14

LlynTegid · 07/05/2023 08:35

Seems to me a sad situation, but the real issue is a 30 year old at home being lazy and not doing a share of the running of the house.

In ten years some poor man or woman will be on here complaining g about their man child incapable partner who has no idea how much work goes into running a home, expects everything to be done for him and sulks when he doesn’t get his way!!

catlovingdoctor · 07/05/2023 09:32

Whadda · 07/05/2023 08:40

Are you literally using phrases like “I’ll have to check my diary” when discussing this with him?

Because that comes across as uncaring and inhospitable.

Agreed.

Ellie1015 · 07/05/2023 09:33

If my sibling was hurt that my child didnt seem to like him i would reassure him it isnt personal and not to worry about it, I wouldnt criticse him for not visiting.

If i wanted to see him more i would work on that seperately not as a reaction to him being upset dd doesnt know him.

Summerfun54321 · 07/05/2023 09:36

He could i suppose visit a softplay/animal farm type environment but has no interest in doing so.

A 30 year old with no kids is like a fish out of water in these kind of environments. Why don't you just arrange to meet at a park with a cafe somewhere half way.

35965a · 07/05/2023 09:36

Sounds like he doesn’t lift a finger usually and has everything done for him so he expects the same from you and your DD. Well she’s a human and he does need to put some effort in to get to know her so she is comfortable with him.

doalot · 07/05/2023 09:43

He does not owe you anything. You do sound quite smug in your OP. How is your relationship with him generally? If you’re coming across as superior on here I wonder if that’s how you make him feel IRL. I agree the issue sounds like it will right itself as your daughter grows up. Until then, would it hurt to say ‘oh it’s just a phase, name/dafty/monkey it’s only uncle Jack look’? To be completely honest if I were your brother I’d be uncomfortable by your attitude and it comes through as you mention other personal things about him that aren’t really relevant to the post.

LlynTegid · 07/05/2023 09:52

@Stripedbag101 sadly you will probably be proved right on that. Possibly because some woman will prefer a man with no children by a previous relationship, or have low self-esteem.

SallyWD · 07/05/2023 09:57

What do you mean their house is not child friendly? I don't think my parents house or in law's house was particularly child friendly but we still made the effort to visit them!
You sound a little entitled expecting every to come to you because their houses aren't up to your "child friendly" standards.
Go and see them occasionally!

MargotBamborough · 07/05/2023 10:00

SallyWD · 07/05/2023 09:57

What do you mean their house is not child friendly? I don't think my parents house or in law's house was particularly child friendly but we still made the effort to visit them!
You sound a little entitled expecting every to come to you because their houses aren't up to your "child friendly" standards.
Go and see them occasionally!

She does, JFC read the thread.