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AIBU?

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Original poster

Brother has no time to visit niece

116 replies

NatMoz · 07/05/2023 05:53

I don't go to my parents house often with my 17m DD because it's less child friendly, they usually come to me. My brother hasn't seen his niece since Christmas day so was very upset when she cried in his presence and ran to my mum and dad instead. Every time she was left alone in his company she got upset and he felt upset with her reaction.

I explained that to her he was a stranger. She didn't know who he was and wasn't comfortable as he had not built a relationship with her. He explained he had no time to visit me and that i should go to my parents more so that he could see her more.

My mum did argue his case. I am supposedly 'never in' for him to visit (i am a good manager of time and do not waste it). I explained I'm more than happy to look at my diary and find a date that suits but my mum backed him up and said 'well he does have a life you know'.

For perspective, he is 30, lives at home. Does not cook, clean, do his own washing. He does not MOT and service his car, no finger is lifted. My dad picks him up and drops him off every morning/evening at the train station for work so I'm not really sure where all this time has gone that means he has none! He doesn't even do the food shop!

His only duty is full time employment 9-5pm mon-fri and going out with friends.

I live 40 mins away. I do all the normal stuff shared with my husband to keep a household and look after our child.

Admittedly my mum tried her hardest to get DD to warm to him so he didn't feel inadequate as he was upset by her reaction. She also tried to comfort him by saying he wasn't a stranger but my dad agreed with me. She had no clue who he was.

OP posts:
Womencanlift · 07/05/2023 10:10

I think it’s the phrase “I will check my diary” that he is likely taken offence to. It sounds so formal, like you are making an appointment to meet up with family and will fit him in if it’s convenient

Of course we all have to check if there are other plans that day but usually I know what is happening over the next few weeks without checking the exact details. So if someone said are you free two weeks on Saturday I would likely say “I am sure we have something already planned that day but let me double check with DP and get back to you. Otherwise let’s get something else organised”. Much less formal than “let me check the diary”

On your issue OP I think both sides have to make a bit more of an effort to keep up the relationship

TheSnowyOwl · 07/05/2023 10:21

Very few people want to spend time with such young children. Surely you only have to read the numerous threads on here to see that even children’s own fathers don’t always want to, so why do you think that your brother (who doesn’t even have a bond with his niece) would want to?

WeWereInParis · 07/05/2023 10:23

TheSnowyOwl · 07/05/2023 10:21

Very few people want to spend time with such young children. Surely you only have to read the numerous threads on here to see that even children’s own fathers don’t always want to, so why do you think that your brother (who doesn’t even have a bond with his niece) would want to?

He may not want to. In which case he should stop being upset that his niece doesn't know him!

neonjumper · 07/05/2023 10:29

I think it's rather pathetic a 30 year old grown man is manipulating his upset to have his parents fight his battles .

The whole family sounds dysfunctional. Your approach to not visiting spaces that you deem 'non child friendly' is bizarre ... we manage our children in these spaces and children learn to regulate themselves in these spaces because we are modelling to them what they can and can't do .

I think your brother using your ( natural) childs reluctance as the cause of his upset is a smokescreen .

I think he is jealous that your parents come to you and their attention is on their GD ... she and you are his competition.

Sorry but your parents are quite pathetic as well pandering to an overgrown toddler !

kingtamponthefurred · 07/05/2023 10:34

Most men (and quite a few women) are not very interested in kids who aren't their own.

Frightenedbunny · 07/05/2023 10:37

I have a sister in law, who lives 2 minutes away, lives alone and would walk past our house without calling in. It’s hard to take but I’ve just accepted she doesn’t want to be actively involved in her neice and nephews lives. Some people just don’t relish those types of relationships.

fitzwilliamdarcy · 07/05/2023 10:54

Have to agree with others - you sound very superior that you’ve followed the path that society sets down whereas he hasn’t/hasn’t yet. Think back to before having a child - you were busy at some points, right? It isn’t just family life that keeps you busy. Life does.

If my sibling tried to book me an appointment to see their child, with their diary, I’d probably be a bit put off as well!

rwalker · 07/05/2023 10:58

He’s a 40 year old single male not used to kids and no interest in them

flame me now but babies/ young toddlers can be incredibly boring

wouldn’t try and force relationship between them
try again when there older

MisschiefMaker · 07/05/2023 10:59

From your mothers reaction I wonder if she feels it's been unappreciated that she always does the traveling to see your child and that might be why she defended his desire not to be the only one to travel.

I get that it makes more sense for her to travel to you but you might want to take a moment to thank her for it and acknowledge that she's been kind to always do that for your child's sake. Maybe mention it in the Mother's Day card next week? Just a thought.

Panteranoir · 07/05/2023 11:02

You're getting a hard time OP.

Being good at time keeping and keeping a child safe dont make you superior. It's just a skill set like any other. Some people just like to tear others down for sport, but that's a them problem.

Based on what you've said, yes you do seem a lot more capable than your brother who sounds mollycoddled to quite a degree.

At the end of the day, just ignore his upset. He can't be bothered to put the work in. I'd ignore your mum too, she obviously thinks your brother's feelings are more important than yours. Rather than encouraging him to be proactive to solve the issue he is moaning about, she lashes out at you.

You're happy to make time for him to improve the relationship, not a lot more you can do. Although I do think the suggestion of starting with zoom calls could be helpful, but no doubt he'll soon tire of the effort required for that too and your mum will find more excuses for him.

MargotBamborough · 07/05/2023 11:09

MisschiefMaker · 07/05/2023 10:59

From your mothers reaction I wonder if she feels it's been unappreciated that she always does the traveling to see your child and that might be why she defended his desire not to be the only one to travel.

I get that it makes more sense for her to travel to you but you might want to take a moment to thank her for it and acknowledge that she's been kind to always do that for your child's sake. Maybe mention it in the Mother's Day card next week? Just a thought.

Mother's Day is in March.

MisschiefMaker · 07/05/2023 11:15

@MargotBamborough Oops. Thanks for pointing that out.

MargotBamborough · 07/05/2023 11:18

It's pretty wild that people are dissecting all possible hidden meanings of phrases such as "check my diary" in order to tone police the OP and make out that she is being unreasonable, bur apparently haven't taken in any of the basic information she has provided.

The OP's brother is a 30 year old adult who doesn't work particularly long hours, doesn't have to do housework or anything like that because he lives at home with his parents, and has every weekend free to do whatever he likes. He chooses not to spend any of his free time visiting his niece, even though all he would need to do is get in his parents' car when they go to visit the OP, and is now complaining that his niece doesn't know who he is.

fitzwilliamdarcy · 07/05/2023 11:24

@MargotBamborough You’re assuming that he literally has nothing to do every weekend and is just refusing to go visit the OP’s child out of spite. Perhaps on the last few occasions that parents were driving over, he had plans.

I’m not saying he doesn’t need to put the effort in if it’s upsetting him, but I’m also sceptical of the OP’s narration because she very clearly dislikes and/or sees herself and her time as more important to him.

bluegreygreen · 07/05/2023 11:45

Interesting

OP you do come across as thinking yourself very superior to your brother, whether you intended it that way or not. If that reflects your usual interactions, I wouldn't be hugely surprised if he doesn't want to travel to see you (as you prefer not to travel to his home). Also agree that the 'check your diary' comment, if a direct quote, implies not really wanting to meet but will fit it in around other more important things.

I was surprised, though, at the comment in your OP 'Every time she was left alone in his company she got upset'.

If she doesn't know him (you suggest he is a stranger to her) why would you do this? Would it not be better to do interesting things with her (or play with her), allow him to join in, and let her get to know him first?

MargotBamborough · 07/05/2023 11:46

fitzwilliamdarcy · 07/05/2023 11:24

@MargotBamborough You’re assuming that he literally has nothing to do every weekend and is just refusing to go visit the OP’s child out of spite. Perhaps on the last few occasions that parents were driving over, he had plans.

I’m not saying he doesn’t need to put the effort in if it’s upsetting him, but I’m also sceptical of the OP’s narration because she very clearly dislikes and/or sees herself and her time as more important to him.

Right, but when OP mentioned that she said she would check her diary, i.e. find a time she and her brother were both free, she got piled on by the tone police.

Nobody is suggesting that her brother should be free to visit his niece every weekend. Or even any weekend. But if he can't be bothered to make the effort even occasionally, he can't complain about the lack of a relationship with his niece.

zingally · 07/05/2023 11:56

TheNecessaryWoman · 07/05/2023 06:15

He sounds like a giant toddler himself, probably due to his parents infantalising him. It is what it is - you're very busy, he can't be bothered. Neither of those factors are going to change so lower your expectations and accept your brother won't be close to your child.

This.

It sounds like you don't really care to hang out with him, and he doesn't really care to hang out with you.
The natural outcome is that he won't have a close relationship with his niece either.

(I suspect there's maybe a little bit of mis-placed jealousy on his part as well. He'd quite like to do some "pretending to be daddy" - like many other men in their early 30s are actually doing - but your DD burst his fantasy by running away crying.)

fitzwilliamdarcy · 07/05/2023 12:03

MargotBamborough · 07/05/2023 11:46

Right, but when OP mentioned that she said she would check her diary, i.e. find a time she and her brother were both free, she got piled on by the tone police.

Nobody is suggesting that her brother should be free to visit his niece every weekend. Or even any weekend. But if he can't be bothered to make the effort even occasionally, he can't complain about the lack of a relationship with his niece.

Show quote history

It’s about how she said it. It isn’t just the “tone police”, her mum objected to it. Maybe she objected because she coddles her son or maybe because it sounded like OP was booking him in for an appointment.

itsmylife7 · 07/05/2023 12:26

So we have a person with no children and apart from working 9 to 5 can't spare any time to visit his sister or child.

OP your mum is an enabler of your brother and he'll probably never leave home,or if he does she'll probably be around at his cleaning and cooking for the poor little mite.

Ignore all the people on this thread making excuses for your brother and Mum.

CovertImage · 07/05/2023 12:40

I'm more than happy to go but my house is more child friendly so on weekends my parents like to come to me. He chooses to stay at home. He could i suppose visit a softplay/animal farm type environment but has no interest in doing so.

You're definitely taking the piss here. You clearly want to meet up with him - if you do at all, I haven't quite worked that out yet - under your own terms only

BubziOwl · 07/05/2023 12:46

Really confused by the reaction OP is getting... it's her brother who has a problem with the fact that OP's daughter doesn't know or like him, why should OP then go out her way to accommodate this overgrown child of a brother?!

MargotBamborough · 07/05/2023 12:52

fitzwilliamdarcy · 07/05/2023 12:03

It’s about how she said it. It isn’t just the “tone police”, her mum objected to it. Maybe she objected because she coddles her son or maybe because it sounded like OP was booking him in for an appointment.

Show quote history

Well how would you phrase it? Apparently the times the OP sees her parents aren't convenient for her brother for whatever reason.

Should she cancel all her weekend plans on the off chance that her brother who never visits her decides to pop in?

Or should they both check their diaries and find a weekend when they are both free and then arrange where to see each other?

MargotBamborough · 07/05/2023 12:53

CovertImage · 07/05/2023 12:40

I'm more than happy to go but my house is more child friendly so on weekends my parents like to come to me. He chooses to stay at home. He could i suppose visit a softplay/animal farm type environment but has no interest in doing so.

You're definitely taking the piss here. You clearly want to meet up with him - if you do at all, I haven't quite worked that out yet - under your own terms only

How do you work that one out?

Original poster
NatMoz · 07/05/2023 13:04

I feel like people are really bizarrely hung up on the 'check my diary'.

The point was to find a date that was agreeable for everyone with no social clashes (on either side!) so that my brother could have the opportunity to spend more time with DD because he was the one who was upset she cried as she wasn't familiar with him.

If he doesn't want to, then he can't be upset when she runs away! You can't have it both ways!

OP posts:
forrestgreen · 07/05/2023 13:19

'Dm, I've had a think about dd's reaction to db and it's clear they definitely need more interaction. We're coming to you next which is a great start. But next time make sure dob knows it's an open invitation for him to join you two here, see you soon'