Brother has no time to visit niece

[NatMoz]

I don't go to my parents house often with my 17m DD because it's less child friendly, they usually come to me. My brother hasn't seen his niece since Christmas day so was very upset when she cried in his presence and ran to my mum and dad instead. Every time she was left alone in his company she got upset and he felt upset with her reaction.

I explained that to her he was a stranger. She didn't know who he was and wasn't comfortable as he had not built a relationship with her. He explained he had no time to visit me and that i should go to my parents more so that he could see her more.

My mum did argue his case. I am supposedly 'never in' for him to visit (i am a good manager of time and do not waste it). I explained I'm more than happy to look at my diary and find a date that suits but my mum backed him up and said 'well he does have a life you know'.

For perspective, he is 30, lives at home. Does not cook, clean, do his own washing. He does not MOT and service his car, no finger is lifted. My dad picks him up and drops him off every morning/evening at the train station for work so I'm not really sure where all this time has gone that means he has none! He doesn't even do the food shop!

His only duty is full time employment 9-5pm mon-fri and going out with friends.

I live 40 mins away. I do all the normal stuff shared with my husband to keep a household and look after our child.

Admittedly my mum tried her hardest to get DD to warm to him so he didn't feel inadequate as he was upset by her reaction. She also tried to comfort him by saying he wasn't a stranger but my dad agreed with me. She had no clue who he was.

YANBU. I cannot put up with people who get upset with baby and young children’s reactions to situations like this, being put out when they don’t perform as requested.

Your mum has raised an overgrown baby who's got used to having people pander to him. That's fine if she wants to continue , let her crack on but I'd have no part in it. If you want to foster a relationship between them you could ask him to meet you half way so sometimes he pops over and vice versa. If not then they just won't have a close relationship.

It is hard to maintain (or create) a relationship between kids and adults when the adults can't or won't flex how they do things. Adults without DC are sometimes oblivious to boring practicalities like feeding, bedtimes, safety, achool and fair enough!

We have this issue with DD's "ungodfather". He does make an effort with her when he sees her and she likes him and his partner (although tbh she prefers their dog to both of them!) but it's so hard to pin them down to a date and to keep things at reasonable times so DD isn't up hours past her usual bedtime etc.

In your case there is evidently a large dollop of sibling rivalry too.

I'm not judging, and your parents are not innocent parties here either.

The house not being child friendly is a BS excuse. So what are you saying??? You are never gonna go anywhere for a visit where the place isn't kid friendly? Good luck going ANYWHERE in life than. So hypocritical...

And you say all her other aunties and uncles live a broad and thats sad.

But then the one uncle your daughter Does have,you tell her he is a stranger and you refuse to go visit your parents IN A HOUSE WHERE HE LIVES because it is not child friendly

Boy you sound like hard work

Plus

Think about it
Youe brother doesnt like kids
Just because this is his niece doesnt change that

And 17month olds? They cry and whinge and tantrum and need to be watched at their every single move.

I didnt like my own niece until she was a little over 3/closer to 4. She was just a hand full and so whingy. If my sistwe would have asked me to meet her in a soft playground i would have laughed in her face. Those places are like helllll on earth!!!!

This. He hasn't changed, he has always 'never/rarely visited'.
It's a shame he doesn't want to see his niece, but he can't be forced. I too get the impression you really dislike your brother and it feels like you're being a bit precious about not taking DD to your parents. Do they have large openly accessible collections of sharp objects or fragile antiquities? Or are they horribly untidy to the point you find pills of random medicine all over the floor? (My dad was in this camp) You need to make the effort to reciprocate your parents' visits, because it isn't fair on them to be always the ones driving, plus you have the added bonus of seeing your brother. Just take a few small toys, or even better have a few 'special' ones that are kept at your DPs so your DD looks forward to the novelty of playing with them. It might not be quite as easy as being at home with everything to hand, but it isn't difficult either.

Such a bizarre reaction.

So my parents have suggested they prefer coming to mine as it's more child friendly and don't want DD causing havoc at theirs and this is a bad thing? I still visit them but they move all ornaments and put towels down on sharp surfaces. We're coming round next weekend too.

How does that make me hard work? Please could you elaborate?

So far everyone I've asked to elaborate on something hasn't responded back so please don't be like the rest!!

People may need to check they are free but the way you talk about needing to check your diary, and the way you speak in general about him, very much suggests you have an air of superiority. It reads as “I’m very busy but I will see if I can fit you in”

I think OP's getting a hard time here. It's her brother who is upset by the situation, so he should be the one trying to fix it. He can't complain his niece barely knows him and also make no effort to see her.

It is interesting for you to think I'm the superior one though, that is an interesting perspective. Definitely more capable i admit.
This made me laugh, your sense of superiority oozes out of your OP, I don’t think this poster thinks you’re the superior one.

I still visit them but they move all ornaments and put towels down on sharp surfaces.
Why? Just keep an eye on your child. I don’t think anything was ever moved at grandparents houses for our kids, and we’ve never moved anything for our grandkids. It seems like an awful fuss and performance.

I'd let it go now.

If he wants a relationship with her, he can make it happen. You've tried.

I get it's sad, but you can't force these things.

I spent years driving my chn 90mins each way to see their nan (my in law) She came to us about once every 2 years. I always put the dates in the diary with her. I always rang her to get the chn to talk to her. She refused to learn to use Skype. I put in all that effort as I wanted my chn to have a relationship with their nan.

I backed off when my mum died and I saw MIL offer no support to XH (her son) or chn. She would occasionally moan at XH that she hardly saw her grandchildren, who were primary school age by then, but made no effort to see them or even arrange for us to visit her.

XH & I had an acrimonious divorce and she did nothing to support the chn at all. The odd text every few months was about it. They're now late teens and haven't seen her for over 2.5 years.

Even though I know you want your brother to have a relationship with your daughter, dont expect it to happen unless he puts effort in too. If he wants to get to know her, he will make sure he spends time with her. If he hasn't made an effort with her yet, then I'm sorry to say it's unlikely to change in the future.

I'd just ignore. It'll sort itself out when dd is older and understands this is uncle x. My dd is 11 and her favourite uncle is the child free one she barely sees as when he does see her he listens to her and doesn't treat her like a child. There's no need for you to do anything. They'll develop their own relationship over the years and it'll be what it'll be

He isn't interested so I'd just let it go. My brother is a nice enough guy but is still single in his 30s and has few responsibilities so he could easily visit us if he wanted. We just don't have much in common anymore. I'm a bit sad he isn't interested in his nieces but have accepted it.

Just ignore. Most 30 year old men would have little interest in a baby

Are you bothered that he doesn't have a relationship with her, or is it just him that's bothered?

I think others probably don’t view it as formally as you - describing yourself as a good manager of time is a bit odd and I’m not really clear what it means to be honest.

I have a vague idea in my head what I’m doing at any given time am flexible beyond the concrete events that can’t be moved.

If I've understood correctly, you visit your parents at their house and they visit you at yours, but since you had a baby they visit you more often than you visit them because your house is more child friendly. Your brother chooses not to join them when they visit you but then complains that he doesn't see his niece enough and feels upset that she doesn't know him. Is that the gist of it?

If so, he needs to decide whether he feels strongly enough about spending more time with his niece to get in his mum and dad's car and come to yours every now and then. I have no idea why posters on this thread think the responsibility for making sure your brother sees his niece should be entirely on you.

From your OP, you sound really smug and rather insufferable.

He could I suppose visit a softplay/animal farm type environment but has no interest in doing so.

Of course he doesn't. They are bad enough if you are a parent. If you aren't a parent they are horrific.

Most single young men are simply not interested in the young children of their siblings. It's an alien world to them. I think you have unrealistic expectations of your brother @NatMoz

But he is the one upset by the niece not knowing him, not OP.

How does he interact with her when he does see her? If he gets down to her level and plays with her then in a year or maybe less she will know who he is even if she hasn't seen him for months. He will be the fun uncle when he is there but one she doesn't often see. If he doesn't know how to play with her then either he needs to work on that or park the relationship until she is older, with the risk that she might then not be interested in him.

she is not going to remember this period in her life or your brother from this I think you are over thinking things

For perspective, he is 30, lives at home. Does not cook, clean, do his own washing. He does not MOT and service his car, no finger is lifted. My dad picks him up and drops him off every morning/evening at the train station for work so I'm not really sure where all this time has gone that means he has none! He doesn't even do the food shop!

His only duty is full time employment 9-5pm mon-fri and going out with friends.

This is so pathetic. As for the rest of it, who does he think he is?! 😆

No woman or man in their right mind is going to want to live with someone with zero life skills.

I think it's the language. It sounds as if you're proposing to see when you can schedule a rather tiresome meeting than spending time with a loved family member. Of course people pop things in the calendar and see if they're free but it's not usually an official chore.