To not want them to move in next door

[frangipandas]

Our next door neighbours' house has just gone on the market, and DH's sibling and partner want to buy it. Are DH and I unreasonable for not wanting this to happen?

We get on with the sibling perfectly fine but his sibling is super close to DH's parents, and there are a few boundary issues there. We've worked quite hard to set up some boundaries of our own after tensions years ago, and part of what helps is us all not living in each others' pockets.

It's a popular road where houses don't come up that often, so part of me thinks it's difficult for us to lay claim in a way. But I'm not sure it's as simple as that - for years they've been saying it's not "fair" that (at that time) we could afford to live on this road and they couldn't, whilst turning down similar options nearby.

Is there anything we can reasonably do? We're expecting our first DC later this year which is probably reinforcing feelings of wanting our own space. Thanks for any thoughts.

*not to move

If I were the neighbours I'd tell if you tried to get me not to sell it them behind their backs. Can't stand sneaky behaviour. Have a grown up conversation with them.

Definitely tell them you think it's a bad idea and why. So much better to have an awkward conversation now that you can get over in a month or so than to take the easy road now and end up in a nightmare with little options.

@Mustardandchickensandwiches
Goodness, why on EARTH do they want to move right next door to you?

How clingy and pathetic.

I don't think I've ever seen a post that so clearly reveals a person's own issues.

It is not 'clingy and pathetic' to want to live near or even next door to relatives that you get on well with and are close too. It could be a huge advantage in many ways - immediate and accessible support for child care, house problems, keeping an eye on property while you are away and so on, easy socialising, ability to build a closer family network with and between your children/their children. There are many positives about this if it would work for you.

The fact you describe it in such unnecessarily aggressive terms shows that you have some problems here - either resentment that you don't have a close relationship with your own relatives (for whatever reason like maybe you don't have any or because you don't get on or they are decease) or you have or have had a partner who was close to his family and it caused you problems. There is just no reason to be so aggressive about something that whilst for most people wouldn't work often because of partners not getting on that if it did is a lovely thing.

Personally, it wouldn't work for me because off inlaw issues but if it was possible, I'd love to have that sort of support nearby with a sibling I love.

@70isaLimitNotaTarget
as others have said you really have four options

DH/you need to speak to the sibling and discuss your feelings. gently and carefully in case they press on any way. or

do nothing and wait and see. They may not get the house anyway so it could be a non-problem

try to intervene with the neighbour offering them money is one way but it is risky as they may tell your DHs sibling

if they get it, move.

Thanks, all. To be clear we won't directly approach the neighbours about this. No intention of complicating the sale for them.

We will definitely have a proper conversation with DSIL but I think from the consensus we will be prepared that it might not change anything. That is helpful to get our heads round.

Just hope they don’t have the highest offer , or ask neighbour nicely not to sell to them

Omg you cant do this

Thanks for the odd psychological evaluation. 🙄

Each to their own and all that.

"Oh, we were just thinking about childcare options. How wonderful to not have to worry about it now you'll be right next door and able to do it. It'll be perfect when we get the two big dogs we were looking at too!"

If they do, move my friend had hers move into the house opposite, within 2 weeks they put their house on the market and when it sold bought their dream house.

In what world do people agree not to buy a house because it doesn't suit you? Even less agree not to sell their house to a particular buyer because you ask them? Or buy a second house (with that spare few hundred grand you've got lying around) to stop your sibling buying it, because that's less likely to cause family issues than them moving in? Honestly, I must inhabit a different world to some of the people on here. A world that unfortunately for me, isn't populated by people who put what I want front and centre. I know you're not saying that OP, but some of these suggestions..!

Male increasingly regular comments about how amazing it will be to have them next door for regular and free adhoc childcare?

Can’t you..? I would discreetly explain to my neighbour that I didn’t want my family moving in.. and if they make an offer you could suggest a little gesture of a few hundred quid for them to refuse it… obviously if they really want it and offer loads of money then your neighbour might take them up on it!! Alternatively can you find someone else who really wants it?? Help them sell it fast! Or… you could tell some fibs and say there’s a terrible damp problem or something and that it’s not a good buy! None of these are particularly kind actions it must be said 🤣😬

This.

And if that fails you'll just have to move.

@frangipandas URGH what a dilemma!

I think actually offering the neighbours money to go with the second best offer is a good idea if you can afford the difference. I get on with my brother OK, but I only see him four or five times a year. He lives about 15-16 miles away. My sister-in-law is OK too. (His wife obvs.) I don't have that much to do with them or my three nephews, really. Just exchange birthday cards and Christmas cards and 'like' the odd post on Facebook. No animosity, just not much in common and not on the doorstep. So popping in isn't an option really, as a 30-32 mile roundtrip is a bit much to find no-one in.

However, I couldn't think of anything worse than them moving next door to me. Because I cannot stand my sister in law's family. She's got a really nosey interfering mother who asks personal intrusive questions. And her step dad is big and shouty. (If you've ever watched The Inbetweeners, he's like Jay's dad, OR like Les Battersby from Coronation Street.) really obnoxious, and shouty, and also makes personal comments. He swears a lot, and he and SIL's mother both smoke as well, as does her brother and his wife who would be stuck at his house for hours on end at least twice a week with their 5 kids. Her mother would very likely be there 4-5 times a week!

Thing is, SIL's mother and step-dad, and her brother, her SIL, and their 5 kids live halfway between them and us. So only 8 miles away from us!!! I could imagine them having 8 hour barbecues. Two or three times a week, til one o'clock in the morning. It would be a living hell. I would definitely move.

Quite a few people have said you're absolutely not being unreasonable, but I'm not sure what you can do except offer the money to the neighbours to not sell it to them. I know it sounds awful to offer the neighbours money, but so what???, Just do it.

What would YOU do then @5128gap ???

Is there anything we can reasonably do?

come on now OP. Surely you know there isn’t! 😂

@SecretsIWouldNeverTell

that is the point

there is nothing the op can “do” to stop them moving in.

Sounds like something that may unleash 'merry hell' 😦

What I suggested in my previous post. Make no attempt to block the move, it's highly unrealistic to think it will work, and it cant be done without causing bad feeling.
Concentrate efforts on minimising any impact related to the in laws rather than the fools errand of trying to stop it.

I suppose that's easy to say when it's not happening to you.

But anything else is appalling advice and it is baffling you can’t see that

I'm guessing you're not in a position to buy it yourselves and rent it out? Because that's the only way you can be certain they don't/can't move there I should think.

Had a similar situation about 20 years ago. My (now ex) MIL was going to buy the house next door to me. We've never got on and my DC x3 have never liked her either. She's an interfering, acid tongued narcissist but that's another story.
Anyway, fortunately for us, her buyer pulled out last minute due to a family crisis back home and the house next door went to another buyer.
I really don't know what you can do in your situation, but I do feel for you.

It makes no difference who it's happening to. Common sense says that when you're considering an action thst has the potential to cause upset, such as trying to block a siblings attempt to buy a house they very much want, before embarking on the action, you'd want to have a realistic view of the chance of success. The way I see it, OP does nothing, they move in and no bad feeling. OP tries to stop it with these suggestions, they move in with a rift in the family.
if it were happening to me I'd be upset for sure, but its too bad isnt it? The world doesn't turn round my wishes. So I'd have to find a way to make it work, or if i couldn't, move myself.