Am I cruel?

[Cruelornot89]

I had a very long and frustrating evening this evening. Cleaning, tidying, organising for a party tomorrow, cooking for it (a party that I will do all the work for) and trying to fit my own job in at the same time.

Way past bedtime, DDs age 7 and 8 were in the kitchen. DD 7 was winding up our very lovely, usually chilled-out dog. The dog was starting to growl. I kept saying “DD, leave the dog! She’s not happy, leave her alone.” Not in a shouty voice but a serious one. It didn’t matter how many times I said this (my hands were full of laundry so I couldn’t remove the dog physically at that moment) but DD kept winding the dog up by squeaking her toy (which she hates - it’s her one precious toy that she doesn’t like being squeaked. We all know this.) So I said: “If the dog bites you, the dog will get into trouble and could get put down.”

They didn’t know what this was, so I told them, both DDs burst into tears.

DH comes out of his study where he’s been trying to hide (and work) all evening to tell me that I’m very cruel.

Was I being cruel? Was that a horribly inappropriate thing to say? I wanted DD to understand how serious it was to goad the dog. She needs to know better! DD was overtired and overexcited but I can’t just let that happen. What else do I do?

Anyway DD8 said “I agree with daddy. That was a cruel thing to say.”

Now I’m left feeling like a piece of shit.

The fact the dog was growling, you should have separated the kids immediately.

I wouldn't have gone into explaining, I would have just kept the kids safe and the dog less stressed.

No, your DD was being cruel to the dog and your DH was being cruel to leave you with all this extra work and ignoring the dangerous situation the dog and your daughters were in.

It sounds like you were at the end of your tether and you snapped. You're only human! Maybe you shouldn't have said it, but equally, the kids need to stop winding up the dog, and your DH needs to be helping more with jobs and bedtimes. Hope you get a rest!

I know you’re right - I should have just put the laundry down and dealt with it by moving the dog into another room. The words just came out in that moment - I wanted DD to understand why! And I was also really stressed and totally done.

No. It was harsh yes but needed. Although your DH should have pulled his finger out and helped rather than criticising you afterwards.

No your DD needs to know the truth and 7 isn’t too young to learn that. Your DD8 is just parroting her father.

ask your DH what you think you should have done - let her continue and wait for the poor dog to bite her?

you have a serious talk with them both tomorrow about not tormenting the dog.

yuo should have separated them, and told her why. She needs to know

You didn’t do anything wrong, OP. They need to understand the implications of winding the dog up.

I told my dgc the same and even said that I wouldn’t forgive them if my poor dog was pts. The kids are pretty resilient, apologised and have since stuck to the reasonable and simple rules.

Their parents agreed with me.

What type/size dog is it?

I agree with previous comments, you snapped in the moment and she needed to know the truth. Your husband sounds a bit judgy considering he must have heard the build up if he heard the outcome, he should have come in to help before it was an issue!

I should have added - explaining wasn't cruel in the slightest as they need to understand consequences, but next time if it happens, seperate first and explain after. Just to be on the safe side.

Kids should be taught from a very young age not ever to tease or goad a dog. It's so dangerous.

I'm a firm believer in children knowing the truth, 7 & 8 are well old enough to know not to torment animals and should know better. The truth was needed, your DH is being unreasonable.

There are potential consequences of her actions and you explained them to her. You were not being cruel at all.

If I was told I was being cruel, I would explain it would be more cruel to let the dog get wound up to the point where it bit your child and then had to be put to sleep. Or is your husband arguing that could never happen?

My ex hated when I explained consequences to our children, rather than just telling them no, but he was a pretty poor parent with no real empathy or understanding for the fact that understanding consequences is actually a much better deterrent than being randomly told no, with no reason given.

You were fine.
Your DH could have maybe stepped up to help, no?

I was bitten by a dog when I was 10. I ran crying to my mum and explained what happened (I wanted to play with the dog but the dog had enough and tried to get away from me. I persevered so the dog told me in the only way she could to back off). My mother said it's your own fault so. And left me to deal with the consequences of my behaviour. We had always had dogs so she was right: I should have known better.

Your dd should have more sense around the dog and should take responsibility for taunting the dog into behaviour that could have devastating consequences for the dog. I think she needs to learn that.

Your dh has no place wading in too late and on the wrong side!

She’s a fairly small cocker spaniel. She’s heaven and adores the kids usually. But not when they’ve got that toy! And also it’s bedtime for her too.

DDs think she’s the best dog in the world, which is why they both burst into immediate tears. But DD7 is very energetic and impulsive!

Dog is four, so I’ve been keeping DD7 and the dog subtly apart for all those years now. But I just ran out of patience tonight! And thought that perhaps they were old enough to know!

I grew up with spaniels and one in particular was quite a growly and snappy dog, especially in the evening, and that’s always in the back of my (slightly perimenopausal) mind even though the personality and temperament of that dog and my current dog are completely different.

It's not cruel it's true. And you needed their behaviour to change quickly.

They need to understand the full consequences, for the safety of themselves and the dog.

I plan to explain the exact same thing to my daughter when she's old enough to understand.

Just tell your DH he is welcome to handle it in future. Ignore DD8 she was agreeing with him because she was upset at what you said. I'm sure they wouldn't rather they carried on, something happened, and the dog was PTS.

I don’t think it was cruel. It’s the truth and although upsetting to hear, it’s probably important for your children to hear it.
Your dd was winding up the dog, to the point that the dog was as verbalising its feelings. I’d probably have separated them to give the dog some space.
Your husband was quick to come out and point out a mistake but wasn’t fast enough to come out and support you when you were busy and asking the children to stop what they were doing.

No, you were not being cruel. At 8 she’s old enough to know the consequences of winding up the dog and the realities of what could happen.

Also, the dog shouldn’t have been removed. The dog was doing nothing wrong. The children should have been removed because they were the ones acting up. Don’t punish the dog for your children’s bad behaviour. It could lead to behavioural issues from the dog if they are continually removed/punished in situations where they aren’t in the wrong!

You told them the truth, its a fact and it could happen. I told my children exactly the same thing and still remind them of it occasionally if I can see the dog getting frustrated by something.

You weren’t cruel. Your DC were and your DH was. Poor dog and deliberately using the one thing guaranteed to wind her up. Maybe have a word about bullying too.

I don’t think it’s cruel at all. Actions have consequences, if your dog had snapped you’d have a much worse situation on your hands.

You did nothing wrong and your DH shouldn’t be undermining you in front of the DC.

You should have removed the toy from DD and separated her and dog after one warning. The hands full of laundry is not a valid excuse, it takes one second to put down laundry.

Yes they are old enough to know about dogs being PTS for biting, but not like that. You don’t just snap it out in anger as a way to discipline your child.

As for your DH. If he’s truly working why on Earth can’t he catch up with work after the DC are in bed and the house tidied for the evening? His study should be off limits between dinner and bedtime so he can actually parent his kids with you.