Am I cruel?

[Cruelornot89]

I had a very long and frustrating evening this evening. Cleaning, tidying, organising for a party tomorrow, cooking for it (a party that I will do all the work for) and trying to fit my own job in at the same time.

Way past bedtime, DDs age 7 and 8 were in the kitchen. DD 7 was winding up our very lovely, usually chilled-out dog. The dog was starting to growl. I kept saying “DD, leave the dog! She’s not happy, leave her alone.” Not in a shouty voice but a serious one. It didn’t matter how many times I said this (my hands were full of laundry so I couldn’t remove the dog physically at that moment) but DD kept winding the dog up by squeaking her toy (which she hates - it’s her one precious toy that she doesn’t like being squeaked. We all know this.) So I said: “If the dog bites you, the dog will get into trouble and could get put down.”

They didn’t know what this was, so I told them, both DDs burst into tears.

DH comes out of his study where he’s been trying to hide (and work) all evening to tell me that I’m very cruel.

Was I being cruel? Was that a horribly inappropriate thing to say? I wanted DD to understand how serious it was to goad the dog. She needs to know better! DD was overtired and overexcited but I can’t just let that happen. What else do I do?

Anyway DD8 said “I agree with daddy. That was a cruel thing to say.”

Now I’m left feeling like a piece of shit.

Bin the toy! Prevent it happening again

Don't be so hard on yourself, it was a little harsh thing to say but I don't think it was cruel. The priority was to prevent your dd winding up the dog to the point where something awful happened. Goal achieved imo. Your kids will probably be more careful and respectful with dogs in future which is a good thing. I also think a bit of harshness now and then can be good for kids. Your husband could be a bit more understanding considering you were juggling without his help! He would have gotten an earful from me!

your poor dog

your child needs to learn how to treat animals kindly and with compassion

your husband sounds like an idiot

I have said the same thing in very similar circumstances, so if you are cruel then so am I.
I think it’s important that children know there are consequences for everyone in situations like that, including for the dog itself. My children were also shocked and a bit upset to know that could happen, but they haven’t teased the dog like it again.

Husband is a mega twat.
Why's he "hiding" in the office leaving you to deal with kids, party prep, laundry, dog etc?

DD should not have been winding the dog up. You told her several times to stop and she didn't - therefore she needs to know what the consequences are if the dog does bite her.
But I'd have sent her out of the room when she wouldn't stop and the dog was growling. You could have put the laundry down.

Husband is being unreasonable, if he can sit there in his fucking study listening to you struggle he can certainly come out for 2 minutes and help

And no, you weren’t being cruel you were being truthful

Kids need to know the truth. You wasn't cruel, just factual.

It's...reality.

If I'm honest, I do think you should've started explaining the signs of escalation in dogs much earlier than this. It sounds like your kids would understand the emotional side of it - like, "if she's growling because of something you're doing, it means that you're really upsetting her and she's begging you to stop". Encouraging empathy may get through to them without the brutal effect of being that blunt.

I don’t think you’re in the least bit cruel. After all this is exactly what would happen if the dog bit (badly enough). I bloody hate my kids aggravating the dog, which they do because they are kids. I leave them unequivocally aware of how strongly I feel about it. (STOP IT NOW.)

I remind them that the dog would have to be PTS and have done since they were about your kids’ age. its important that they know the consequences of their actions.

I also want them to be fully on board with what dogs can do just in case any younger visitors annoy the dog.

Just to clarify, so that my kids would remove a toddler or young child immediately if they saw/heard the dog growling.

One of ours look super cute and is very loving but he’s a bad-tempered little sod and I just wouldn’t trust him.
Why leave anyone in any doubt as to what could happen?

The dogs can be a pain too 😉

YANBU
don't feel like a piece of crap over this ! x
you had your hands full and your DH was cruel to say that to you and over ride what you was saying to DD which was completely right

Because as if you weren't stressed enough already, your family had to slap the icing on the cake. Wish them all a goodnight and drink a cup of tea in silence.

You did nothing wrong, I've said way worse.

You’re husband is acting like a twat.

I have said similar to my own children because they need to know and understand that their actions can have massive consequences!

Hopefully this will be a lesson learnt

It won't be a lesson learnt though because DD just thinks Mummy was being cruel like Daddy says. So it's Mummy in the wrong not her.

They are not too young to know what that means. My daughter is six and knows what that means and has for some time.

YANBU.

7 and 8 is perfectly ok age to understand the damage we can do to animals. The dogs are in such a position where they have no power, your daughters need to understand this responsibility.
Ps you did nothing wrong

Nope, not cruel, they're both old enough to understand there might be consequences and with any luck they'll stop tormenting the dog.

Is your husband always this much of a twat?? Unless his work involves talking to the US or something why was he still working and not helping you with the prep?

Your DH needs to grow a pair.

You could have stopped to stop your DD tormenting the dog - it's cruel, but you didn't.

You were right to be clear about consequences.

If it made them feel bad, they'll remember it.

That's not cruel that's reality. You'd be doing both dog and kid a disservice by sugarcoating it in the face of repeat bad behaviour.

I don’t think it’s cruel to tell kids the truth. Too many people basically just lie to their kids for silly reasons. There’s no problem with a child hearing something like ‘no you can’t run in the road because if a car hits you it could injure or kill you.’ It isn’t cruel to tell them that.

At 7, if I had to tell one of my kids several times to stop goading the family pet, they’d be in big trouble, and facing consequences, not ganging up on me with their dad and siblings.

I mean I do see you’ve said your dd is ‘energetic and impulsive’ but it sounds like she’s also naughty/badly behaved and doesn’t listen to you. Tormenting the family dog isn’t acceptable and it is ok for you to set boundaries with her,

This.

Your husband is a real waste of space, hiding away and only comes out to criticise.

I would be very annoyed with him and your daughter.

There really would be consequences for her not doing as she asked.

As for what you said, its the bloody truth and it could be very serious.

I don't think children like your daughter should be around dogs if she doesn't know by 7/8 not to tease the dog.

Stop feeling bad and get annoyed.

Agreed 👍

Not cruel at all - necessary to drive the point home. But surely if the dog bit in this specific situation (after being tormented/goaded into it) that’s not a situation you’d actually PTS because it isn’t the dog’s fault?