Am I cruel?

[Cruelornot89]

I had a very long and frustrating evening this evening. Cleaning, tidying, organising for a party tomorrow, cooking for it (a party that I will do all the work for) and trying to fit my own job in at the same time.

Way past bedtime, DDs age 7 and 8 were in the kitchen. DD 7 was winding up our very lovely, usually chilled-out dog. The dog was starting to growl. I kept saying “DD, leave the dog! She’s not happy, leave her alone.” Not in a shouty voice but a serious one. It didn’t matter how many times I said this (my hands were full of laundry so I couldn’t remove the dog physically at that moment) but DD kept winding the dog up by squeaking her toy (which she hates - it’s her one precious toy that she doesn’t like being squeaked. We all know this.) So I said: “If the dog bites you, the dog will get into trouble and could get put down.”

They didn’t know what this was, so I told them, both DDs burst into tears.

DH comes out of his study where he’s been trying to hide (and work) all evening to tell me that I’m very cruel.

Was I being cruel? Was that a horribly inappropriate thing to say? I wanted DD to understand how serious it was to goad the dog. She needs to know better! DD was overtired and overexcited but I can’t just let that happen. What else do I do?

Anyway DD8 said “I agree with daddy. That was a cruel thing to say.”

Now I’m left feeling like a piece of shit.

This. You need words with him. You should always casing from the same hymn sheet . You were not cruel at all.

darling, if we are going to using the word cruel, cruel is you two winding the dog up after you’ve been told and told. It’s not ok with people and it’s not ok with dogs.

personally I’d open the study door, herd the girls in, tell daddy that it’s not a great night for working late as I’ve got a lot to do, girls are staying in here for the next hour to keep out of my way.

Not at all
that’s the truth
I told my dd the same when she would pick our dog up whilst he was sleeping

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · Yesterday 22:40

You weren't cruel but as soon as the dog growled, your DC should have been taken out of the room.

Please don't risk letting it escalate next time.

Yes you’re totally right. I should have done this.

Rubbish! Your children didn't need to be removed. You were right - and you didn't 'snap ' - you disciplined your children, as was correct.
You know your dog and you know your children were in no danger - despite what other posters may say about ' you can never tell with dogs - they can be vicious'

Ditch the toy or peirce the inner so it doesn't make a noise.
This cruel comment was unnecessary but he is directing his stress at you.
Throw the laundry down & go have a break.
tell the kids not to tease a dog and why again when it is a good time.
This sort of thing is always easier to reflect on afterwards, but at the time mother's like to try to sort it.
Spaniels are gorgeous dogs!

I think that's a totally fair comment - the dog would be put down if it was to bite them. Don't see what the issue is, I'd say the same to my daughter

Not harsh, or cruel at all. I’m impressed you didn’t turn round and snap at your husband coming out and undermining you, while your hands are full of laundry, prepping a party and trying to stop the kids winding the dog up. Don’t give yourself a hard time.

You were absolutely NOT being cruel, nor unreasonable! You merely told them the truth. Now they know, and will, hopefully, stop teasing the poor dog.

Your husband, however, was extremely unreasonable for wrongfully calling you cruel, and for disagreeing with you in front of your kids! ‘United front’ is important so kids don’t try to play parents against each other.

Also, if he is going to attend the party, he should help with cleaning and whatever else needs doing.

I agree with those who say that you told the truth and I probably would have said similar. I sometimes have to remind my 4 year old that one of our cats might scratch if he doesn't treat her with respect (while removing him from the feline danger zone)! I've also had to have a carefully explained conversation about what might happen to him if he doesn't listen to me about sticking by my side on pavements/in car parks. Children need to know that actions/decisions have consequences.

If my child got bit for annoying the dog I wouldn't put the dog down, if the child was told not to annoy the dog it was their own fault. I'm obviously only talking about a nip, not a mauling or anything like that, but obviously if you have young kids you shouldn't have aggressive dogs

No, I think you were right. Actions have a consequence, and they can be forced through being silly. Responsibility for your own actions and the outcome should be pointed out.

It was said in the moment (and not necessarily untrue). Your DH should not have said that to you either. I'd be angry at DH.

You're not cruel AT ALL.

Not cruel. Actions have consequences & tormenting a dog is cruel, unacceptable & could have catastrophic results . I would say though , knowing just how ditzy & brainless some children that age are, ( ex teacher) I wouldnt always 'explain' in risky situations. That wastes time . I'd have dumped the laundry & physically stopped her , before the dog reached its limit . Growling is a v bad warning sign.

YANBU.

But your DH is an arse for hiding/working when this was taking place and your DC doesn’t sound like a particularly nice child. I think your other DC was rude to you as well.

I don’t like kids who wind animals up or are cruel to them.

Poor dog 😢🐾🐾

S@MrsSkylerWhite

marie's obviously!

🤣🤣

I do this to myself all the time too. You’ll have a lovely day, we’ll never learn but hopefully the children will have a lovely time!

Not cruel at all. Both children are old enough to understand real consequences

Your husband is cruel to allow you to do everything whilst he hides away then emerges to make you feel guilty

The children were cruel to tease the dog

You are cruel to yourself to keep doing everything with no help

But telling the children a fact is not cruel

Your DH was being lazy and cruel. He should have been doing his fair share round the house, or could have been getting the kids ready for bed instead of hiding away and then coming out to say you're cruel!
And fwiw I don't think you were cruel. Kids need to learn to treat animals with care and respect and you asked numerous times.

You were right to tell your daughter about the potential consequences if the dog were to bite. It was good to point out the responsibilities we have to animals not to stress them to the point they do something dangerous.
Unless you went into the gory details of euthanasia, it will be a useful educational experience.

Your husband was an arse to criticise you in front of the children like that. Speak to him about not undermining you ever again.

I don't think it was cruel. It was matter of fact.

I've said the same to my DC before when they've been winding the dog up.

They're not too young to hear what the consequences of their actions could be.

I must be cruel too OP. I have told mine this since they were very little. We've had two dogs during their lifetime. They are now 14, 12 and 10 and the world hasn't spun off its axis because they knew this information.

I think you handled it well.

I think it's fine. Sometimes what we say upsets people but they still need to hear it. Would have physically separated them as well though. Your DH doesn't sound very helpful.

Not cruel at all. It's needs to be brought up again and discussed as your children do need to know their actions have consequences. Your 7 year old needs to appreciate the dog is a living creature not a toy.

I'd show your husband this thread, he needs to know the kids behaviour was not ok and he should not be pandering to the kids and reinforcing inappropriate behaviour.

I’ve had a similar situation with my 3yo, I always say ‘if the dog ever growls at you, you WALK AWAY!’. It hasn’t happened a lot but when it has happened she has usually walked away, except on one occasion where she stayed near the dog after the growl (not doing anything to her as such but not giving her space) and I got really panicky, separated them and then really told her off more than I should have. I stressed again that she must must must walk away if the dog growls, and if she doesn’t then the dog might bite her, and if she bites her she might have to go to the vet and not come back. I worried afterwards it was too much to tell a 3yo this, but it really scared me. I wouldn’t think twice about having this conversation with a 7yo, though, especially if she was deliberately upsetting the dog by squeaking the toy! YADNBU!