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Original poster

Is this morally wrong?

156 replies

dadsnethelp · 05/05/2023 19:49

I am fairly good friends with a guy, our kids play together and I go out at work with him often (runs his own business) and we socialise once in a while and keep in touch.

He and his partner (his children's mum) split 8 years ago. My friend seems over it, they get along fine and he doesn't speak much about her, life seems to have moved on.

I was not friends with him when they were together. A few months ago his ex partner added me on instagram, I find her extremely physically attractive. One night a few weeks ago she sent me a highly sexual message, making it pretty clear she is interested in me sexually. We have messaged a bit back and forth. I asked what her ex, my friend would think about this and she replied that it's none of his business and she won't be telling. We have been planning when to meet.

I really want to, and I know it's a purely sexual thing. That's all I want and the way she is presenting it, it seems to be all she wants. Nothing relationship wise will come of it, so I suppose there's no risk of anyone finding out.

I just feel like I'm doing something wrong but then I think well he has slept with others and had other girlfriends since they split. He is over her, it was 8 years ago.

If I do this is it okay? Or morally, even if he is over her, is it wrong?

OP posts:
CheekyHobson · 06/05/2023 01:30

It's funny that as teenagers, it's faurly normal that boy and girls will go out with more than 1 person in the group, but in adulthood you can't even think about seeing your mate's ex.

That's because teenagers have more limited social circles and are still learning to navigate social environments (in part by dating people who are understood to be 'safe' through already being part of their social group) and b) teenage relationships are generally less serious than adult relationships (we are talking about the mother of his mate's kids!).

Adults are far more independent than teenagers and have access to a vast range of different potential partners. There's no need to go rustling through your mates' back catalogues.

ptic · 06/05/2023 02:08

I think you are still wondering about that, so you have thought and asked this question, you can completely answer it. Do what you think is right

Nanaof1 · 06/05/2023 02:29

dadsnethelp · 05/05/2023 22:01

I'm quite attractive myself if I do say so myself so not out of this world she may be attracted to me either 🤣

Show quote history

If you are as attractive as you say (think) you are, you wouldn't need to reduce yourself to have sex with one of your mate's exes. You are thinking with the wrong head their dude.

It may not be morally wrong but ethically?

I think she wants to hurt her ex for some reason and seems to think you are dumb enough to fall for it. If you even think she won't "tell" the ex or let it slip in some way, shape or form, I have a beautiful bridge across the Atlantic for you. Or some oceanfront property in Sheffield. smdh

daisychain01 · 06/05/2023 04:35

Watchkeys · 05/05/2023 23:02

You need to use your own morals, not ours. There is no universal moral compass.

I don't agree, there are certain universally held standards by which people live and shagging a friend's ex fits into that category. It shows a lack of moral fibre and judgement. Nobody will die, it doesn't break the law of the land but it's a shitty thing to do.

Plus coming on a forum and trying to get endorsement to let oneself off the hook from doing the right thing is the icing on the cake.

Buffypaws · 06/05/2023 04:58

I would never do this to a friend unless I wasn’t bothered at all about the friendship. Aside from the fact that I feel a natural taboo about friends’ exes (it feels incestuous), it would definitely feel like a betrayal even if they said they were ok with it.

MyGhastIsFlabbered · 06/05/2023 05:10

You obviously do feel a bit uncomfortable about this otherwise you wouldn't be posting here. Why not raise it with your mate in a 'you'll never guess who propositioned me' kind of way and gauge his reaction from that?

It's not unheard of that casual FWB can develop into full blown relationships. Just bear that in mind.

Also, I've been that woman randomly approaching men for sex. Whilst I can't speak for her I've never done that when in a good place mental health wise and I would proceed with caution.

Murdoch1949 · 06/05/2023 05:17

She's gaslighting you. Maybe she's found out that you're friends with her ex and she wants to upset/annoy him by being able to say, oh btw I've shagged him. Ask him what he thinks. Explain she added you on Instagram (didn't you have to agree to this, or do you have an access all areas dodgy account?), explain it would purely be a sexual thing, and see what he says. Don't be naive and think that she won't tell him that she's had his friend, that's what it's all about, no matter that you're drop dead gorgeous and probably up to be 007. Make sure you've got the STD Clinic on speed dial.

whatcanidotobelieve · 06/05/2023 05:59

So you would ruin a friendship or betray a friend just because you want to get laid?

If you are so attractive have a shag elsewhere. How can you justify having a random shag with no feelings involved? I would respect this more if you actually had an emotional attachment. You aren't a teenager anymore, grow up maybe?

Vegetus · 06/05/2023 06:15

If your friend was a woman and the ex was a man you know what the answer would be to your own question.

GoodChat · 06/05/2023 06:41

CallieQ · 06/05/2023 01:19

No it isn't wrong OP
Fill your boots
How is it wrong 8 years after they've split up?

It's the mother of his children's friends. It could easily end horribly for the children, even if his own friendship survives

Ladybug14 · 06/05/2023 06:46

It might affect your friendship badly

If it does affect your friendship badly it will affect your children badly

But you being so attractive yet not able to get a shag elsewhere..... go for it. 🙄🤣

Ick Hmm

Effieswig · 06/05/2023 06:50

dadsnethelp · 05/05/2023 22:49

Not sure why it's so hard to believe that a woman may proposition me for sex. She said she had found me attractive for a while but I had a partner etc wasn't the right time.

So it wasn’t a random add on instagram then?

Ladybug14 · 06/05/2023 07:05

Effieswig · 06/05/2023 06:50

So it wasn’t a random add on instagram then?

Show quote history

Priceless 🤣🤣🤣🤣

Redebs · 06/05/2023 07:07

growgrowinggrown · 05/05/2023 20:37

If you're even considering it then you're a shit mate. Hope that helps clear it up for you.

This

Nopetryagain · 06/05/2023 07:16

Is this fuck potentially worth the friendship? Probably not.

Will you be found out? Probably not

Does that make it ok? Probably not

Is OP such an unattractive troll that the only reason he has been propositioned for sex is because he is a pawn in a bunny boiler’s weird sex revenge plot on her ex 8 years after they split? Probably not

OP I think you are getting a hard time here. If you want to do the right thing I think you have to gauge it with your friend, not in a “I’d like to bang your ex” way but an “Your ex has approached me. I admit I am interested but only in something casual which is all she appears to be interested in too. However you are my friend and I won’t go there if you say not to” way.

itsabigtree · 06/05/2023 07:42

I'm surprised at peoples responses here.

It's been 8 years and he's moved on. It's ok. Tell him or don't tell him. It's not his business who you sleep with. If it had been only a year or so; fair enough.

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 06/05/2023 08:03

Well, you’re a really shit friend as you’re clearly going to got here, so it sounds like you’d better hope you’re not a shit shag too. Men don’t tend to be particularly self-aware on this score…

chipswitheveryting · 06/05/2023 08:09

Why not have a chat with your friend? You might lose your friendship and he might talk bad about you to others you mutually know.

Just say, your ex has been in touch lately and she's flirting with me.. she is very attractive. See what he says.

chipswitheveryting · 06/05/2023 08:11

ConsuelaHammock · 05/05/2023 20:57

Start thinking with your head instead of your dick? Maybe she’s in the market for another baby, you could be the lucky guy 😂

Yes, be very careful about this, there are a minority of women who might think, hmm who's genes will give me a nice baby, who's got a decent income and will therefore have no choice but to pay maintenance if things don't work out. Very few women do this but they are out there so be careful.

GoneTillNovember · 06/05/2023 08:20

What on earth am I reading? 2 single people want to shag each other? So what? I don't understand this thread at all.

Mortimercat · 06/05/2023 09:02

dadsnethelp · 05/05/2023 20:13

Not particularly helpful I'm afraid...

Only because it wasn’t what you want to hear. It was correct though, don’t be such a bad friend.

HRTQueen · 06/05/2023 09:08

Just sex often has a habit of getting more complicated than just sex

there is already a complication why add to it

for most friends ex’s are off bounds for any sort of sexual relationship for a reason the friendship means more to that person only you can decide what is more important to you

HRTQueen · 06/05/2023 09:10

Many of us meet lots of people we have a mutual sexual attraction to often it’s just fleeting

it doesn’t mean this has to be acted upon every single time

5128gap · 06/05/2023 09:24

For even the best looking men, this would be a vanishingly rare offer. If the OP is ordinary Joe Bloke, there is almost no chance of him resisting what could be a once in a lifetime scenario. Which is unfortunate really.
I'm inclined to agree with PPs theres something off about it. If thats what this gorgeous woman wants, she'd have a queue. Its odd to choose the one man that could lead to complications. It's the sort of thing people do to either get back at an ex or make them jealous. Though perhaps the OP won't care if he is used, as he'll still get the sex.

FinallyHere · 06/05/2023 10:27

dadsnethelp · 05/05/2023 20:13

Not particularly helpful I'm afraid...

But not unusual for the truth to not be palatable, either