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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is this morally wrong?

156 replies

dadsnethelp · 05/05/2023 19:49

I am fairly good friends with a guy, our kids play together and I go out at work with him often (runs his own business) and we socialise once in a while and keep in touch.

He and his partner (his children's mum) split 8 years ago. My friend seems over it, they get along fine and he doesn't speak much about her, life seems to have moved on.

I was not friends with him when they were together. A few months ago his ex partner added me on instagram, I find her extremely physically attractive. One night a few weeks ago she sent me a highly sexual message, making it pretty clear she is interested in me sexually. We have messaged a bit back and forth. I asked what her ex, my friend would think about this and she replied that it's none of his business and she won't be telling. We have been planning when to meet.

I really want to, and I know it's a purely sexual thing. That's all I want and the way she is presenting it, it seems to be all she wants. Nothing relationship wise will come of it, so I suppose there's no risk of anyone finding out.

I just feel like I'm doing something wrong but then I think well he has slept with others and had other girlfriends since they split. He is over her, it was 8 years ago.

If I do this is it okay? Or morally, even if he is over her, is it wrong?

OP posts:

RobertaFirmino · 05/05/2023 23:01

You ever heard the phrase 'Bros before hoes'? Not the best way of putting it of course, but you get the jist.

Watchkeys · 05/05/2023 23:02

You need to use your own morals, not ours. There is no universal moral compass.

Roadtrippingroundgreece · 05/05/2023 23:03

You clearly want to do it so you may as well go ahead…but don’t expect your friend to still be around when he finds out

ChrisPPancake · 05/05/2023 23:03

Are you prepared to lose your friendship with him for a fuck with her?

thaegumathteth · 05/05/2023 23:03

Well you sound like you've made your choice anyways so why ask? Obviously it's a potential can of worms and you should definitely gauge your friends reaction but you'd rather prioritise some sordid revenge fuck to boost your ego so on you go.

AdamRyan · 05/05/2023 23:06

HadalyEve · 05/05/2023 21:49

I’d tell the friend that his ex contacted you and has suggested a FWB type deal. You don’t need his permission or anything misogynist like that. It’s more if things turn sour with her, she would have plenty of ammunition to destroy your friendship. So if you value your friendship, he needs to be in the know.

Yeah this
Just be upfront. Tell him she contacted you, that you feel weird about responding without him knowing. See what he says.
Either he won't give a fuck, in which case all good
Or he will, so you can decide whether the friendship or the shag is more important

MayThe4th · 05/05/2023 23:09

So your friend’s ex, who you have never met before, added you to instagram out of the blue and started sending you sexual messages? Yeah. Cool story bro.

CheekyHobson · 05/05/2023 23:12

Not sure why it's so hard to believe that a woman may proposition me for sex. She said she had found me attractive for a while but I had a partner etc wasn't the right time.

Can't speak for everyone here but thinking about myself and my pretty liberated friend group, it would be still highly unusual for any woman I know to add one of their exes' friends on Instagram in order to proposition them for casual sex, unless they were acting out in some way.

Attractive women are rarely so hard-up for male attention that they have to go out and drum it up for themselves, especially not in this dating app-rich world.

I realise it's very tempting to think that you are so incredibly attractive as to be her number one choice for casual sex but the far, far more likely truth is that there's something somewhat screwy about the whole thing and it's best to leave it if for no reason other than that it has potential to blow up your friendship with your mate.

She says she's not going to tell your ex but do you have any reason to trust her on that other than wanting it to be true?

thaegumathteth · 05/05/2023 23:13

@CheekyHobson I realise it's very tempting to think that you are so incredibly attractive as to be her number one choice for casual sex but the far, far more likely truth is that there's something somewhat screwy about the whole thing and it's best to leave it if for no reason other than that it has potential to blow up your friendship with your mate

EXACTLY this

ShowUs · 05/05/2023 23:17

dadsnethelp · 05/05/2023 22:49

Not sure why it's so hard to believe that a woman may proposition me for sex. She said she had found me attractive for a while but I had a partner etc wasn't the right time.

Do you really think a woman is going to randomly message you and tell you she wants to have sex with you?

Its different if you were friends with them as a couple and she always had a thing for you but as you say you weren’t.

They separated 8 hours ago and now she all of a sudden messages you saying she wants sex.

Have you ever event met?

Sorry OP you are being a bit naive here.

ShowUs · 05/05/2023 23:17

*years lol

McSquirter · 05/05/2023 23:21

Let her have it, life's too short.

Uktousa2022 · 05/05/2023 23:24

I think this is a relatively easy to answer

it depends on how good of a friend he is
if he is a good friend, and you are prepared to consider your friendship and that means more to you then 3) ask him about it and go explain he might be uncomfortable but his ex has msged him
prepare that he may find out anyway and there is a chance she is doing it to spite him - who ended it with who?
he really might not care.. after 8 years
bare in mind this is the mother of his kids; not an ex gf.

good luck!

Batalax · 05/05/2023 23:35

Well I guess it’s how important your friend is to you. He might not take it very well at all.

Either tell him and gauge his reaction or leave well alone.

ohnonowwhat · 05/05/2023 23:37

Yeah, beautiful women often add random men on social media and then proposition them for no-strings sex. It's definitely just pure coincidence that this particular one happened to be your mate's ex and if you meet up with her she will most certainly just want a night or two of passion and then slink off into the night without causing any drama whatsoever. Happens all the time in pornos.

Stakesarehighsoami · 05/05/2023 23:47

Do tell us again how this really attractive woman wants to have sex with you. I didn’t quite catch it the first sixth time.

isitshe · 06/05/2023 00:01

dadsnethelp · 05/05/2023 22:52

I wouldn't be spending time with his children without him. It's nothing like that. She has made it VERY clear she wants to have sex and nothing more.

Show quote history

Obviously you're convinced but you only have her word for it that it would be nothing more. These things always have the potential for fall-out.

If you had both just met at a bar & had an instant mutual attraction I could well believe she just fancied a hook up. But it's not that straightforward.

As others have said, I'd be questioning her motives.

isitshe · 06/05/2023 00:02

If the friendship with this other dad is totally expendable then go for it.

Dibbydoos · 06/05/2023 00:06

It's funny that as teenagers, it's faurly normal that boy and girls will go out with more than 1 person in the group, but in adulthood you can't even think about seeing your mate's ex.

Having said that, there is an unwritten rule about not seeing someone your mate likes, let alone their ex so yiu maintain your friendship. I wouldn't go there esp if it's just sex - high risk low reward.

If she's messaging you, there must be others who find you attractive that are better options.

lemonchiffonpie · 06/05/2023 00:35

Mate, you're an idiot being played and she's a headfucker. She didn't just "randomly" find you on instagram, coincidentally her ex's good friend.

Closetbeanmuncher · 06/05/2023 00:39

Is this guy even your mate!!?

if so ffs get a grip, put your cock back in your pants and give your head a wobble..

It concerns me that you even need to ask 😬

ilovemyspace · 06/05/2023 00:47

I think you need to ask yourself if you're bothered if it's morally wrong according to the majority of people or if you don't really care.
You're the one who has to live with it. So really the only question is - can you live with any consequences of this?

Sighhhhh · 06/05/2023 00:58

Your ex’s friend? Fine. Your friend’s ex? Not fine.

CallieQ · 06/05/2023 01:19

No it isn't wrong OP
Fill your boots
How is it wrong 8 years after they've split up?

suburbophobe · 06/05/2023 01:19

I am fairly good friends with a guy, our kids play together

Don't go there.

You want to ruin a good thing for a shag with his ex and their mother?!

You sound self-absorbed, waving your willy around being more important than your children's welfare. You are also disrespecting a guy you call a friend.

It may be 8 years since they split up but it's still crossing a line.

I heard people go on dating sites nowadays to find love. You could meet the love of your life!

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