Am I ruining one of the best moments of my life?

[Bloppity]

Found out some unbelievably amazing news today. I may as well have won the lottery.

So I live with Dan who told me the amazing news seconds after learning about it. Together we called Wendy (family member) who is also on cloud 9. Lovely conversation over the phone together and as a group we decide we will celebrate over the Bank Holiday. Toby is due to arrive tonight and it is agreed noone will tell him the good news as Dan wants to share himself in person. Wendy asks to be on phone when Toby is called. Fine. Amazing. I agree with Dan that I will cook a nice meal to celebrate.

So tonight I see Dan and Toby pull onto drive. Both know I have cooked a meal, they then proceed to sit on drive for 15 mins. Fine whatever. I could have gone to see what was up but the drive is a bit dodgy at night (steep steps) and surely they'll be out any sec. Surely.

Anyway, mid meal it comes out that bloody Toby already knows. Dan, Wendy and Toby were apparently on a call in the car when he found out. Wendy had explicitly asked to be on the phone when he was told. I assumed it would be done all together.

Am I crazy for being incredibly hurt? I know it's not my news but I have sacrificed A LOT to get Dan to this position l. But so has everyone mentioned to be fair.

Wendy is a bit if a control freak but is a wonderful person also.

My head knows not to be pissed but I'm incredibly hurt and angry. May or may not have left meal mid way through. Have also run out of anti anxiety meds which is not helping I'm sure

Hope you could follow that.

Still happy but pissed off. Had a bunch of annoying things happen whilst cooking also - broken glass, hoover bunged up etc.

Do you feel your role in the good news / outcome is not being recognised by Dan by him seeing it as "his" news and not your joint news?

Great update. Enjoy your wonderful news and making lots of exciting future plans.

OK, you've shared your emotions over this. That's good. Except that these particular emotions seem to be borderline batshit-crazy. So stap sharing now and join in the general celebration.

Your post is very hard to understand. I’m assuming Dan is your partner and you donated a kidney or similar. If I were you I’d just be happy and forget this trivia. Congratulations.

Kindly… I think you need to get a grip. You’re very lucky.

Donated her eggs to Dan and the IVF has worked.

Not really your news to share OP.

It'd be much easier if you just wrote a thread saying what actually happened rather than referring to some news or other, giving your characters names doesn't help here either, just refer to them as who they are in relation to one another. I read it twice and still not sure.

Congratulations to whoever had good news, whatever that happened to be.

I think Wendy being included when she couldn't even be there makes it worse. Consideration for Wendy but OP left out.

I can see why it is upsetting and I can see it isn't worth spoiling the good news. It is hard.

Well I'm miffed that you didn't tell us the good news.

I'm assuming your OH Dan has been given the 'all clear' after a hellish few years with his health (life?)in the balance. You are both overjoyed and told Wendy. She knows Toby was next in line to be told and she really wanted to see/hear his reaction so Dan agreed to have her on the phone when he told him. You just assumed the 'reveal'would take place in your home when Toby arrived for dinner however Dan has told him in the car (presumably with Wendy on loudspeaker).
Your disappointmented because you didn't get to see Tobys initial reaction (and unreasonably are blaming Wendy who just has to be at the centre of everything).

It would have been nice for Dan to have waited until him and Toby were sat down with you.....but he's overjoyed and bubbling with excitement. You three have all evening to talk about this together. Don't blame Wendy. Your husband wasn't thinking. It really is a small thing compared to your news.

I wonder if at some level you feel you're now able to just relax, and get on with living. Perhaps now you feel 'safe', all the anger and fear you felt for years years is tumbling out. That would be quite a human response.

You know you're unreasonable so no harm done.

I completely hear you on being hurt and annoyed. What you've done, is put everything into someone else's moment in order to be part of it and support them the best way you can. And part of that was an agreement and purpose for the meal to tell Toby AND bring everyone together. Totally understand.

Was this call with Toby planned or by accident? If it's planned then I'm completely pissed because people completely disrespecting, the meal, efforts, the agreement and the togetherness.

However, with all of that said, some people just don't value the same things you do, and that's something to just be aware of. This is a painful moment to be aware of it, for example, if they planned that called together then There's a reason why are you are cut out. And if it was by accident Toby was there at the time, or there was a misunderstanding along the way then they have presently kept it quiet to honour your hard efforts.

Understandable to be hurt. I agree togetherness and an agreement is everything, but also this is a moment to be aware of what the other people in the group want and how it may differ from what you want.

What is your over the shock of it, judging by your post, it seems like you're going to get there quite quickly, so I'm these thoughts and ideas. Will ring true or not in the aftermath.

At the end of the day, sounds like your friends love you & your on for life changing experience. Do you feel it's fine to just say sorry and explain that you wanted XYZ and you were triggered/shocked by that not happening. Hug it out. Then on to planning the holiday with the wins!

You're not unreasonable to be hurt

He's not unreasonable for telling them the good news as soon as he could

I hope you can enjoy this moment as it's obviously important to you all.

It does seem a bit odd that they came indoors without any sort of excitement or joy, presumably greeted you and had a conversation with you. You served the food and then it was casually mentioned halfway through the meal. What's that all about?

I assumed Wendy was Dans mum and Toby his brother. Op is Dan’s partner.

On that basis it’s not unreasonable that his mum wanted to share the news with her son Toby immediately.

Trying to orchestrate a grand reveal and control how the news unfolded was unrealistic really. It would never live up to the image you built up in your mind.

Sounds like op has acknowledged this, relaxed and accepted nothing is “ruined”.

All this crap on social media about making memories and documenting people’s reactions has a lot to answer for!

I would have been upset as well to be left out of the happy group of people sharing the news. And I think you can forgive yourself and be forgiven as emotions were obviously running high - all emotions would have been magnified, not just the good ones. It also sounds as if you are moving on and remembering to enjoy your wonderful news, so well done and I love hearing about your happiness!

Is Dan a partner? I assumed from the wording "I live with Dan", that he is OP's flatmate.
It depends on the relationship I suppose, but assuming you're all in the same friendship group, they probably should have told the other friend while you were present. I wouldn't let it affect your friendship with Dan or Wendy though, I doubt it was meant with any malice.

Your post was confusing. The names really irritated me - I don't know why. Fucking Wendy and Dan and fucking Toby. Why couldn't you have said how they were related to each other?
The whole thing is bonkers.
Have you been approved to donate a kidney to Dan? You wanted to see everyone's reaction to your generous deed? (Which is amazing by the way, if that's what you're doing). But I think you are being a bit daft batshit about it. Dan can share the news with who he likes.

Amen

Did you donate an organ? Bone marrow?

Whatever you did that was special, it's really okay that Dan shared the news to someone without you. I understand your hurt, but you need to get past that so you can enjoy this with everyone. You can do it. Just focus.

Whatever the news is, congratulations to you all for getting through this hurdle in life.

I do wish you would just designate who is who in this scenario. Are you and Dan together as a couple? Who is Wendy and her relation to Dan? Ditto the question as to Toby.

If you want that feeling of elation that comes with sharing super special news, share it here. Most of us do not bite but do feel a bit invested.

I think I can top this. We were living abroad when I found out I was pregnant. I wanted to tell my parents in person so we met up for a holiday in England. I went off to find a loo. When I came back my parents and husband were all smiling. Husband had told them our news while I was at the loo.

I understood your story completely, and maybe it's just me, but I would have been PISSED to the MAX!! WHY was it necessary to tell him right out front in the car, KNOWING that you were inside waiting to share in the celebration, and cooking dinner for it?? They were very inconsiderate. I'm so sorry. Congrats on your guy's good news though!

Oh DAMN... that is fucked up!! SO sorry! Congrats on your little one though!