Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I ruining one of the best moments of my life?

148 replies

Bloppity · 05/05/2023 00:06

Found out some unbelievably amazing news today. I may as well have won the lottery.

So I live with Dan who told me the amazing news seconds after learning about it. Together we called Wendy (family member) who is also on cloud 9. Lovely conversation over the phone together and as a group we decide we will celebrate over the Bank Holiday. Toby is due to arrive tonight and it is agreed noone will tell him the good news as Dan wants to share himself in person. Wendy asks to be on phone when Toby is called. Fine. Amazing. I agree with Dan that I will cook a nice meal to celebrate.

So tonight I see Dan and Toby pull onto drive. Both know I have cooked a meal, they then proceed to sit on drive for 15 mins. Fine whatever. I could have gone to see what was up but the drive is a bit dodgy at night (steep steps) and surely they'll be out any sec. Surely.

Anyway, mid meal it comes out that bloody Toby already knows. Dan, Wendy and Toby were apparently on a call in the car when he found out. Wendy had explicitly asked to be on the phone when he was told. I assumed it would be done all together.

Am I crazy for being incredibly hurt? I know it's not my news but I have sacrificed A LOT to get Dan to this position l. But so has everyone mentioned to be fair.

Wendy is a bit if a control freak but is a wonderful person also.

My head knows not to be pissed but I'm incredibly hurt and angry. May or may not have left meal mid way through. Have also run out of anti anxiety meds which is not helping I'm sure

Hope you could follow that.

Still happy but pissed off. Had a bunch of annoying things happen whilst cooking also - broken glass, hoover bunged up etc.

OP posts:
MichelleScarn · 05/05/2023 06:26

WandaWonder · 05/05/2023 05:52

Am I the only one totally lost?

Nope! Although also assuming it's been either organ donation or surrogacy?

tara66 · 05/05/2023 07:03

These sort of things tend to be chaotic and most people want to be the ones to ''spill the beans'' first given half the chance i.e. no self control.

coodawoodashooda · 05/05/2023 07:04

Bloppity · 05/05/2023 00:38

So I'm very afraid of being clocked. But I did donate something significant to Dan (not everyone would or could in my position) but I'm just ecstatic for Dan. And glad this news has finally come.

Congratulations about your good news! After reading this I'd be hurt too.

threemiaowingfaces · 05/05/2023 07:05

I understand OP. You have done something amazing whether it be donating an organ / paying for treatment / something (?) and you have been on the rollercoaster with Dan for 15 years. This is a huge deal for you and you just wanted the joy of that moment of finally sharing it with those other people. It's been a long time coming and maybe you thought this day would never come.

Who is Dan though? Your husband? Is Wendy his mother?

You are understandably very emotional. I hope when you wake up today you feel a massive sense of relief. Good news after a long struggle can take time to process. Don't worry. Congratulations and have a lovely weekend.

EggInANest · 05/05/2023 07:12

Dan told you first. He shared that news with you… not in a group call with Uncle Tom, Toby and all. That moment is your happy memory milestone in this journey.

Whatever it is, Very pleased for your good news, and may it only get better and better.

Flustarhymes · 05/05/2023 07:15

“Toby is due to arrive tonight and it is agreed noone will tell him the good news as Dan wants to share himself in person. Wendy asks to be on phone when Toby is called. Fine.”

I can’t actually see where you said that you would like to be on the call. Perhaps this is is just a bit of bad communication, but also put yourself in Dan’s shoes he probably just can’t hold the good news in. I don’t think it needs to reflect a lack of importance about the role you played in this good news. Well done by the way!

OneLittleFinger · 05/05/2023 07:19

Do you think Wendy deliberately took the moment from you? If she's anything like my sibling I can see this being just one in a series of similar episodes.

hearthelp · 05/05/2023 07:20

If I am understanding right and you did actually donate a kidney/ organ/ something life saving. Then you are absolutely right to feel the way you do!!!
You are a hero by the way Flowers

CinnamonJellyBeans · 05/05/2023 07:25

AngeloMysterioso · 05/05/2023 01:56

I get it. Dan’s been seriously ill, you’ve all been to hell and back, and now he’s got the all clear. You were instrumental in his recovery because of your donation of kidney/liver/bone marrow or whatever. So you want to share in the joy of breaking the news with him. Wendy, who is a family member but far less involved than you, also wants to share in that joy when Toby is told. So it’s agreed you’ll all have the moment together.
And then the three of them had the lovely moment in the car. Without you. For no apparent reason.
I’d be hurt too.

I agree. I can see why you're feeling excluded

Violet80 · 05/05/2023 07:27

It seems odd that it wasn’t mentioned til mid meal that Toby already knew the good news?? Surely he would have said something when he and Dan came inside? You’d imagine they’d be bursting to talk about it and celebrate from the second they arrived if the news is massive!

Mummyratbag · 05/05/2023 07:37

I'm guessing Dan is DH, Wendy MIL and Toby is Dan's brother. You have lived with the sword of Damocles over your head for 15 years and their has been no recognition of how it's taken over your life or how it's been for you (I could be projecting). You feel how you feel and probably haven't processed your own feelings. Have a good cry (I would) and try and focus on the good news.. I don't think you are being unreasonable.

AngeloMysterioso · 05/05/2023 07:42

Violet80 · 05/05/2023 07:27

It seems odd that it wasn’t mentioned til mid meal that Toby already knew the good news?? Surely he would have said something when he and Dan came inside? You’d imagine they’d be bursting to talk about it and celebrate from the second they arrived if the news is massive!

Unless Dan knew OP would be upset that they’d excluded her and told Toby to keep quiet about it…

Climbles · 05/05/2023 07:46

Dan’s head is probably all over the place too. I understand why you feel hurt but I would try to get over it as you’re going to ruin this happy time for everyone. If there are further people to tell, explain to Dan calmly how important it is to you.

NotAnInfluencer · 05/05/2023 07:50

Congratulations to Dan and well done to you for the role you played. I think a PP is right that if this is related to health (eg donating a kidney) then your feelings will be complex. It's not really about Dan telling Toby without you. It's a decompression period after all the previous stress.
You could mention to Dan that you'd like to be there when he tells people if possible (as Wendy requested).
But it's also a good idea to consider counselling. Be gentle on yourself Flowers

TheShade · 05/05/2023 07:53

I do understand OP, you feel it’s your news because of your involvement and sacrifice. Very likely it was insensitive but possible Dan was over excited (as it directly relates to him).

Don’t let it overwhelm you, make peace with it and focus on how amazing the news is for Dan.

CabernetSauvignon · 05/05/2023 07:56

Has Dan given any explanation for why he did this?

Moocaw · 05/05/2023 08:00

I understand your hurt. If they were all family members and you're a wife/partner it makes more sense, but still really bad. I hope you've outed yourself and this gives the ignoramuses the kick up the bottom they need if they read it.

Does this touch a nerve as you've previously been feeling underneath by others?

Calmdown14 · 05/05/2023 08:02

A good post from @EggInANest

I can understand why you feel left out but have your moment and then go back to being happy with them.

It's unlikely it was deliberate. Perhaps Toby asked a question about treatment or health that would have required a lie and so it came tumbling out then.

You have been left out of a moment but not out of the things that really matter.

MissTrip82 · 05/05/2023 08:06

I assume you helped him and worried about him
for years because he’s a great guy and you love him.

Don’t let one thing tarnish that, and don’t let it ruin his good news either. If if he’s worth it, he’s worth it. You know whether he mean to hurt you. If he didn’t - don’t let something silly ruin this lovely news, for you and for him. Don’t make it about you. The amazing news hasn’t been ruined because you weren’t at the centre of it.

SarahDippity · 05/05/2023 08:15

If you have given something significant, I’d imagine your feelings around the good news are quite complex anyway, and I hope you have been offered support/therapy. You might need a bit of time to dig deeper - is it about the moment, or are you feeling your contribution isn’t really appreciated or remembered?

Kitcaterpillar · 05/05/2023 08:34

Bloppity · 05/05/2023 00:29

Trust me I know it's selfish but I just can't help my feelings. Hopefully wake up on the right side of bed.

My mum says things like this whilst being selfish. Everyone else manages to help their feelings, or to not let their feelings impact everyone around her. She chooses not to.

CovertImage · 05/05/2023 08:35

but it's Dan's good news, not yours

It fucking is her news too if she's donated a kidney

SmileyClare · 05/05/2023 08:38

I can’t help my feelings

Sorry but I think you sound a little self absorbed.
No you can’t “help your feelings” but as an adult you can choose how you act on them.

Dan’s had great news about his health- presumably the all clear from cancer.

He told you first, presumably because you’re close and he appreciates your organ donation and support.

You then made a nice celebratory evening all about you and your petty dramas about who got “told the news first”, even flouncing off.

You were a drama queen and made the evening all about you and your feelings.

I’ll cut you some slack because you’ve run out of your usual anti anxiety medication.

You struggled because you weren’t in control of the whole evening, over reacted over a broken glass, the hoover not working, timings of events.

All irrational and probably due to you suddenly stopping your meds.

I think you should apologise to your friends.

Butchyrestingface · 05/05/2023 08:41

May or may not have left meal mid way through.

Do you not know?

wizzywig · 05/05/2023 08:42

Expect this type of behaviour from a Wendy