Am I ruining one of the best moments of my life?

[Bloppity]

Found out some unbelievably amazing news today. I may as well have won the lottery.

So I live with Dan who told me the amazing news seconds after learning about it. Together we called Wendy (family member) who is also on cloud 9. Lovely conversation over the phone together and as a group we decide we will celebrate over the Bank Holiday. Toby is due to arrive tonight and it is agreed noone will tell him the good news as Dan wants to share himself in person. Wendy asks to be on phone when Toby is called. Fine. Amazing. I agree with Dan that I will cook a nice meal to celebrate.

So tonight I see Dan and Toby pull onto drive. Both know I have cooked a meal, they then proceed to sit on drive for 15 mins. Fine whatever. I could have gone to see what was up but the drive is a bit dodgy at night (steep steps) and surely they'll be out any sec. Surely.

Anyway, mid meal it comes out that bloody Toby already knows. Dan, Wendy and Toby were apparently on a call in the car when he found out. Wendy had explicitly asked to be on the phone when he was told. I assumed it would be done all together.

Am I crazy for being incredibly hurt? I know it's not my news but I have sacrificed A LOT to get Dan to this position l. But so has everyone mentioned to be fair.

Wendy is a bit if a control freak but is a wonderful person also.

My head knows not to be pissed but I'm incredibly hurt and angry. May or may not have left meal mid way through. Have also run out of anti anxiety meds which is not helping I'm sure

Hope you could follow that.

Still happy but pissed off. Had a bunch of annoying things happen whilst cooking also - broken glass, hoover bunged up etc.

I wonder if you maybe feel that as you played a big part in this news it's your news to share as much as Dan's, and maybe you're feeling that he should be a bit more thankful for your 'donation'? Possibly him having that moment without you seems like he's now discarding you, having taken what he needed? You presumably know logically that you helped him of your own free will and without asking for anything in return, but sometimes logic isn't convincing as it should be and it's common to feel peeved if someone doesn't act grateful enough; whilst you probably wouldn't dream of demanding gratitude you may be subconsciously expecting it and if it doesn't appear it may feel a bit unsettling, like you've been 'used'. You too are obviously also going to be feeling very emotional after many years of uncertainty and you probably deserve to be included in the celebration and congratulation, even if it's not your good news. Reckon it's a fairly normal reaction but if you think this might be the case you might possibly want to seek therapy as ignoring it and allowing any resentment to build wouldn't be good.

In my opinion, the bit about the car is a bit weird because then (pretty much) the only person not present - not sharing the experience - is you. I'd have thought they'd want to rush in and all share together. Why not? Obviously, they got all caught up in the moment and you already knew, but still. It's a bit weird that it "came out mid meal".

I don't think your reaction unreasonable. If you don't like it, you don't like it.

You should be able to share what you think with the group not just mumsnet, maybe?
It sounds like the dynamics of the group are complicated and what you expected isn't what you have got.

Tbh I'd be a bit miffed too, Wendy wanted to be on the phone, why couldn't they wait 2 more mins to be inside the house so you could be involved too.
But it's not a huge deal, try to let it go and just celebrate!

This is a complicated family situation, is t it? Possibly involving step-family members, or exes, or tricky siblings.

And it’s FINE to feel hurt. You bloody cooked too and they couldn’t wait as agreed. (And that’s without the donating something to deal with health issues!)

So, I totally validate your hurt feelings. It’s OK.

But now get over it
Your much-loved person is clear of whatever has ailed them. It’s still bloody brilliant.

Why were you hoovering while cooking dinner?
<<<misses point of thread>>>

I get it. Dan’s been seriously ill, you’ve all been to hell and back, and now he’s got the all clear. You were instrumental in his recovery because of your donation of kidney/liver/bone marrow or whatever. So you want to share in the joy of breaking the news with him. Wendy, who is a family member but far less involved than you, also wants to share in that joy when Toby is told. So it’s agreed you’ll all have the moment together.
And then the three of them had the lovely moment in the car. Without you. For no apparent reason.
I’d be hurt too.

This is what I'm thinking so your involvement is massive and I can see why you're hurt.

Is it possible that this all just a misunderstanding?

Wendy explicitly asked to be on the call when Dan told Toby, but did you explicitly ask to be on the call? I am just wondering whether Dan simply didn't realise that you wanted to be there, rather than intentionally excluding you.

Anyway, I think you must forgive Dan for essentially being too excited and impatient to share his news, and also apologise for storming out of the celebration dinner and ruining the mood while making it all about you.

Its fine to be disappointed, but displaying your disappointed is unreasonable with out discussing it with Dan first.

You should tell him you left out. But pouring sadness on happy news is not fair if not discussed.

Also seems like there is a bigger back story.

Gods I loathe this weird co-dependent/controlling 'I want to be there/on the call/watch them react/video it' bollocks, which I assume comes from watching too much reality TV and social media.

Live your life. Let other people live theirs. Stop trying to micromanage, create or curate artificially special 'moments'.

Enjoy your good news.

I agree with this. I understand that you might have liked to have been there when Toby was told, but it's Dan's good news, not yours. As you already had received the news, being there when Toby was told wasn't really necessary, and unless you had told them that was what you wanted how were they to know? You do need to apologise for your behaviour. This is all about Dan, not you, even though you have done something wonderful to help him.

YANBU for feeling a bit miffed and thinking that this was insensitive behaviour and it would have been nice for Dan to wait and give the news when you were present.

YABU for being so angry. It doesn't matter THAT much does it?!

^I think this is a very good summary of what happened.

You've played a pivotal role in what's happened to Dan and without your actions, presumably he wouldn't be in a position to get this unbelievably great news.

So you decided you'd all celebrate together and Wendy wanted to make sure she wasn't left out when the news was shared with Toby. So she wasn't left out, but you were - and Dan, Wendy and Toby don't seem to have given your part in all of this a second thought, or considered you important enough to have also have been there when the news was shared.

I get it OP. I imagine that's really hurtful. I also think it was probably just unthinking rather than deliberately excluding you.

Maybe it's worth just a quiet - undramatic - word with Dan to say you were a bit gutted not to have been there to share the news with Toby, especially as Wendy was. Approached in the right way - calmly and with no accusations - Dan might instantly reassure you that it wasn't planned, and that they just didn't think it through.

No one likes to feel discarded or left out, and given the circumstances I can see why you do - even though I'm sure it was completely unintentional.

Sometimes we can't help how we feel, even if you want to be the bigger person. Maybe just see how you feel in the morning, but if it were me, I'd mention it to Dan as a way of explanation for why you left halfway through dinner.

Congrats though on the news - sounds like you've all been through hell. Onwards and upwards!

I think the bit about Wendy being a bit of a control freak may be the clue to your hurt feelings. Has she in the past manipulated situations so you're left out or sidelined a bit? If so I can understand why you feel upset. Often people are blissfully unaware of this kind of manipulation especially if they're not one of those people that the manipulative person leaves out.

People also don't always recognise the sacrifices someone has made on their behalf. And we're taught that we shouldn't expect anything back. However, we're human and I think it's often natural to feel a bit miffed if other people who sacrificed less seem to be prioritised. From Dan's point of view though he told you first out of everyone. You were also on the phone when Wendy was called. So while I understand how you feel Dan may be mystified as he's already prioritised you by telling you first and he may not see Wendy's controlling side.

It might be easier to talk to someone outside of this group, like a friend, to work through your feelings so it doesn't taint your obvious joy in Dan's news. It would be a shame for this to happen given their nature and your part in it.

I think you feel massively unappreciated. You too have suffered the 15 yrs of poor health, often very hard for family who care. You've made personal sacrifice and yet were not only excluded but treated like domestic staff for the celebration.

Take time to look after you now.

I think on these big occasions emotions can overwhelm and we can focus on little things that aren't important. I do it too sometimes. Take a deep breath, remind yourself that it's the good news and enjoy it.

If you are feeling a bit unappreciated have a chat with Dan in a few days, and if you're traumatised after a long struggle then speak to your GP. Both very understandable feelings but don't let them mar the celebration.

I'm guessing OP and Dan are a couple, and Wendy and Toby are Dan's mother and brother - if I'm right then they'll have their own family relationship and it's maybe not so strange they didn't wait.

If you gave Dan an organ and were left out of telling Tim, then Wendy gets a ring side seat - I’d be hurt

Everything feels worse for me when I'm off my anti-anxieties - I'd assume it was that tbh. Get some more ASAP and reasses how you feel. If you still feel angry, it's probably a real feeling.

Hope the rest of your celebrations go more smoothly and congrats on the good news :)

I think the reverse - if you give someone your kidney, it isn't meant to be some Red Letter Day experience and wanting to be central to sharing the news, the biggest priority is that the medical procedure worked and the person you care about is OK. Everything else is immaterial.

it all feels like too much misplaced drama.

Did you donate an egg and the couple is now expecting a baby?

Whatever it is, congratulations.

If I'm reading correctly between the lines and you directly saved Dan's life, and then were left out the sharing of the news of his remission, then yes, I think you've every right to feel upset. I'm sorry, OP. That's shitty and they should apologise.

That's a very stark image. You must be feeling huge relief right now.

I think in your position I would try really hard to just focus on that and that the good news is still the same, regardless of how it was delivered.

It's understandable that Dan was keen to tell Toby as soon as they were together. Sometimes these things just happen and it would have probably been quite hard to keep it quiet.

Try to forgive them and enjoy the amazing news.

Am I the only one totally lost?

It really depends who Toby is.

If Toby is yours and Dan's adult child then I don't think you've overreacted at all at not being there when Toby was told the good news... especially as some else - I'm going to suggest paternal grandmother? - was listening in.

If Toby is Dan's relative i.e. brother, then I get you're upset, but you need to accept there are other dynamics here you are not fully part of, as with any family.

Either way, congratulations to you all.

Either Dan was excited and impulsive, and told Toby without even thinking about you in that moment. Especially if you didn't specifically ask to be involved, like Wendy did.

Or Dan actually wanted to tell Toby without you there. I don't know why, but maybe he just didn't want you there. In which case I guess Dan's desire to tell Toby without you trumps your desire to be present.

Is Toby his son? Is Wendy his mum?