Am I ruining one of the best moments of my life?

[Bloppity]

Found out some unbelievably amazing news today. I may as well have won the lottery.

So I live with Dan who told me the amazing news seconds after learning about it. Together we called Wendy (family member) who is also on cloud 9. Lovely conversation over the phone together and as a group we decide we will celebrate over the Bank Holiday. Toby is due to arrive tonight and it is agreed noone will tell him the good news as Dan wants to share himself in person. Wendy asks to be on phone when Toby is called. Fine. Amazing. I agree with Dan that I will cook a nice meal to celebrate.

So tonight I see Dan and Toby pull onto drive. Both know I have cooked a meal, they then proceed to sit on drive for 15 mins. Fine whatever. I could have gone to see what was up but the drive is a bit dodgy at night (steep steps) and surely they'll be out any sec. Surely.

Anyway, mid meal it comes out that bloody Toby already knows. Dan, Wendy and Toby were apparently on a call in the car when he found out. Wendy had explicitly asked to be on the phone when he was told. I assumed it would be done all together.

Am I crazy for being incredibly hurt? I know it's not my news but I have sacrificed A LOT to get Dan to this position l. But so has everyone mentioned to be fair.

Wendy is a bit if a control freak but is a wonderful person also.

My head knows not to be pissed but I'm incredibly hurt and angry. May or may not have left meal mid way through. Have also run out of anti anxiety meds which is not helping I'm sure

Hope you could follow that.

Still happy but pissed off. Had a bunch of annoying things happen whilst cooking also - broken glass, hoover bunged up etc.

With your subsequent posts I can understand you feeling miffed and left out.

But you are ruining your wonderful moment which may be due to your anxiety. Every time you find yourself feeling irritated by this, switch your thinking to how fantastic the news is and how happy you are about it. This will stop you going into a miff spiral and working yourself up over it. It's OK to be hurt about being left out, it's not OK to let it spoil other people's and your own pleasure over what happened.

Sorry but No.

it’s Dan’s body, it’s Dan’s good news and he doesn’t owe the friend who donated an organ to him anything. He’s not forever in her debt.

He told op his great news first.

She then kicked off, caused an atmosphere and flounced when a celebratory meal with friends didn’t go exactly as she wanted.

So you gave Dan a kidney/bone marrow etc and someone who hasn’t given anything and demands that they be there when the good news is given to someone else gets her demands met but then everyone else doesn’t think you merit being there as well. You have served your purpose and now don’t deserve a thought

I can understand this

I too would be so pissed off that no one thought I should be there when the good news was given I would be asking for my kidney/bone marrow back. (obviously can’t for those that can’t read between the lines)

If you weren’t so generous there would be no good news to give.

So you donated money

And now you think he owes you things
Or you want to be seen as a saviour or a hero?

Not very selfless.

It was your choice to do whatever you did. And yeah you may feel hurt. But you know you are being U.

Or maybe you donated blood or bone marrow or whatever
Still doesn't mean he owes to include you in a n y t h i n g

So who actually told Toby? Dan or Wendy?

You've had to be selfless and put Dan first for 15 years and now he's out of the woods you've suddenly relaxed enough to become aware of your own needs. Totally understandable

It would help if you explained who everyone is

If you weren’t so generous there would be no good news

Or Dan could have found another donor?
What a selfish stance.

Its rather a skewed perspective to think an organ donor “deserves” special treatment and is entitled to applause and attention as a life saver.

Most donors remain anonymous because this is not their motivation at all. It’s not about giving to receive is it?

Dan told op his good news seconds after hearing it.
Together they shared it with another friend on the phone.

Its bizarre to then obsess about how/when Dan breaks the news to others.
Lose the resentment, it’s misplaced in my view.

Perhaps you are struggling with the potential change in your relationship with Dan?
It’s no longer Dan being the victim and you being the saviour?

Oh OP after your other posts I really feel for you. You say it's his good news but actually jt sounds like it was YOURS too, whatever you went through worked. Well done and congratulations to you all.

Sometimes it's hard to process these moments (ones you long for for so long), don't beat yourself up That you feel something other than joy. It's OK ❤️

Yes it would appear so. Lots of really good theories on the actual scenario

If the news is related to health. Then health is wealth. Don't let this marr it. Best wishes to you and congratulations. Go enjoy your news

YABU

If it’s his news then please don’t take that away from him and ruin it.

I have been found as a match for stem cells for a child I know with lukaemia.

They will eventually find out it’s me so I’m not going to hide it but I will definitely not make it all about me.

Their life could potentially be saved and that is way more important than me feeling left out of the celebration.

It doesn’t matter how much you have helped him as surely you did it for him and not for yourself.

Apologise for leaving the meal early and say you felt a mixture of feeling tired, a bit rundown and overwhelmed with the good news.

Today is a new day 😁

I'd have been upset too OP. No one likes being excluded, there is thread upon thread about that daily on here - people being left out of family plans, events with friends. It's shit to feel you've been cut out of a photograph so to speak.

Your feelings are valid to you I'd take it on the chin though, and try to see the good news for what it is.

Also OP this doesn't need to be one of the best moments of your life. It's one of the best moments of Dan's life but it's only natural your feelings around it are more complicated.

Whilst it might be Dan's good news, but only because someone has sacrificed so much (possibly even years of their own life)
If they lack the awareness or dismiss how someone might feel and don’t understand that sharing something that didn’t include the very person who had made this happen and relegating them to someone in that moment to someone outside the group. It would leave me wondering why I did this in the first place.

No good deed goes unpunished.

Where does it say she donated money?

Yanbu I would feel sidelined, them doing it in the car all together makes it feel intentional tbh or just really thoughtless.

Is it possible that Wendy didn’t realise you were not there? Either way you know what Wendy is like. Don’t let this one thing spoil it because that would give Wendy even more of the control she craves. Be happy in the knowledge that you and everyone else who played a really important role (minor and major) in enabling this really important milestone to be reached are there to see it. Just thought, all the health providers have this all the time I imagine, and thank goodness when they do. Wonderful news for you all.

I think this is wise, kind advice.

I actually disagree that you were left out of the celebration.
You live with Dan, he broke the news to you seconds after he received it. That was your private moment together.

Stipulating that you must be present when the news is broken to other friends seems a little controlling and demanding.

What is your relationship with Dan? Are you a couple? Or do you have feelings for him that are complicating this?

No one’s perfect, we all act in less than ideal ways sometimes but it would help if you could examine why you’re reacting like this x

I get it, OP. It sounds like you were involved every step of the way - until the actual sharing of the best news, which followed many years of worry and upset. Of course you'd want to be present for the good news sharing and actual moment of realisation and celebration, especially as this was agreed and planned in advance as a special moment for all to share (including you).

However, try not to let it diminish the good news. That's the main thing x

So I'm guessing Dan is your dh who you've donated a kidney to and Wendy and Toby are his parents or siblings?

Yes, I think I'd be a bit miffed too but ultimately you have been through a lot together and emotions are bound to be high. You had also gone to the effort of cooking a lovely meal for them all and they couldn't be bothered to just wait until you were all in the house to announce the news.

I can understand why you'd feel "left out". But today is a new day and you have this wonderful news to celebrate, don't let it mar that.

I'm finding this very confusing, and as someone who has donated life saving stem cells to a family member I find it really weird that a donor can make it all about them.

The OP says that all the other people involved - Wendy, Tom etc have all been very instrumental in getting Dan to this point, so whatever it is that's gone on, it obviously involves them too.

Secondly, any sort of transplant - bone marrow, an organ etc - isn't going to have a sudden 'eureka' moment when the recipient says oh wow I'm better! The whole process is a slog, there can be many setbacks and organs can face rejection a long time later. So the whole thing of comparing it to a lottery win and deciding to celebrate on bank holiday seems odd! I can understand maybe a year or so down the line wanting to have a gathering and celebrate having come so far, but this idea of suddenly getting a Wow moment is strange.

Finally- OP please be thankful for the fact that your family do actually get along and are happy for each other. The family member I donated to is a difficult person, I don't even get along with her particularly well and she's certainly never expressed gratitude! But then that's not what I did it for. I think you need to just accept this is someone else's news about their life.

Thanks you for the messages. Have woken up and feel pretty silly. So many brilliant points have been raised.

I am guilty of trying to curate happy moments (mentioned upthread). I think this is because they've been so far and few between for the last 15 years that I really do my best to extract every drop of happiness and maximise it for my loved ones. Which can put an unsavoury pressure on the moment. I had pictured this moment for years and wondered what it would be like if it were to take place.

Also, Dan explained that he shared the good news the sec he saw Toby. Wendy only rang when they were 5 mins from home.

Dan is a wonderful person and I could tell he was 100% genuine when not realising the plan was to wait and all be together. Of course it just burst out of him. I'm glad he put Toby out of his misery even if only by 30 mins.

So we've not been able to make plans or go on holidays so the three of them were just dreaming out aloud when they pulled up on the drive. They deserve to have had that moment. Life has truly begun again.

If anyone is in the Berks area going through a tough time and could use an errand runner pls DM. I just want to share my good fortune.