Stepdaughter eating too much fruit

[Katey83]

My dsd, 7, moved in with us full
time back in January. Our situation is that I am higher earner and breadwinner on Mat leave with 5 month old baby, husband does some part time work that doesn’t bring in much (he runs our family vehicle and contributes towards household costs such as shopping etc). Dsd’s mother does not contribute towards her expenses while she is living here (indefinitely for now).

At the moment, we are on a tight budget due to my mat leave - and one thing driving me crazy is dsd eating all our fruit. We will buy a weekly shop with 2 bunches bananas, few punnets of berries, peaches, melon, grapes, tangerines etc and she will eat her way through the lot in two days. For example, yesterday she ate a punnet and a half of raspberries, three peaches, four tangerines, some grapes, a slice of melon and two bananas. This is on a school day (so she eats this at breakfast and in the evening). She is then obviously reluctant to finish a proper evening meal or try anything she dislikes. She also has had a couple of accidents with loose stools (imo this is from bingeing on fruit). She takes from the fridge without asking and leaves nothing for DH and I.

I’ve spoken to my dh about this and he says she is a growing child and at least fruit is good for her - fair enough I buy fruit partly for her to eat, but the amount seems greedy to me, and beyond what is necessary for a healthy child. I think reasonable is a small
bowl of berries and grapes along with a tangerine and banana after school as a snack and then one piece for dessert. She can also have melon and banana for breakfast along with cereal and a yoghurt. I want her to learn that food costs money, we don’t have a bottomless pit of it and you don’t just gorge on whatever you want because you are bored/tired/didn’t eat your dinner, you ration portions in a family so everyone gets a fair share, and sometimes eat less tasty things to maintain a healthy diet.

We provide substantial breakfast, lunch and dinner portions, and I try to accommodate her tastes (though she can’t just have fish fingers and strawberries as a diet, which would be her preference).When she first came to us she was also gorging like this on sweets - that’s been easier to nip in bud as dh can see how unhealthy it is. I want to handle this in a compassionate way, would I be unreasonable to stop buying fruit until dh agrees to a sensible ration for dsd?

That is a lot of fruit!

Maybe she's just discovering and enjoying having the liberty of an "open bar" fridge filled with nice things.... and might be gorging a little in case (in her mind there is a risk ) that there are no berries next week.

If the fact she is with you fairly recently she might be (unconsciously, unintentionally) "stocking up" just in case she has to leave and go back to somewhere with less fruit/nice things to eat.

Could you take her shopping with you as an activity and ask her to help plan your shopping list for the fruit saying she can choose three portions a day to buy of whatever fruit she wants and maybe couple that with introducing her to a budget.

Can you swap some of the berries cherry tomatoes, and prep cucumber/carrot sticks and little hummus/tatziki pots?

And for what it's worth, I don't think you sound like a mean wicked step mother at all.

Good luck with your new family of four.

Cant believe people are still picking on a child swapping candies for fruit…

The problem is the childs slacking father and mother who dont provide for their child.

Next month OP will be posting that a school trip will be coming up or clothes will need to be bought and she will have to find the money for these too.

Fruit is not a problem,its not a common cause of childhood obesity or cavities,most children at some point eat more than they should and having temporary epuaode of diarhhea is not a medical concern, better than child having to take 6 sachets of Movicol a day to have a bowel
movement.

I haven't RTFT, but Op I don't think YABU at all - if my children ate a weeks worth of fruit in a few days I'd be very annoyed.

I think first things first, a rule needs to come in to place where she cannot simply help herself to what she wants. She should ask, and you can tell her if it's a suitable time for a snack (maybe dinner is soon so it's best to wait/maybe she's eaten a lot of fruit already, so you think a yoghurt might be better etc)

I don't think you sound resentful at all, and you wouldn't even be accused of being so if she was your biological child.

To be honest children tend to eat a lot because they are anxious or bored. She's had a lot of change (as have you). We normally grow into parenting with our kids and you have missed a couple of stages...you need to work it out together, all of you.
It's hard enough for children when a sibling arrives and this is sibling plus new home. It will be hard for you too. What's do you want from your DH?

My dc would gorge on fruit too if I let them. But, for us, it's too expensive to have unlimited fruit as a snack. They have fruit for pudding after lunch and dinner and for one snack in between. Otherwise there are other healthy and filling snacks available.

My son eats a lot of fruit but after his dinner and with his lunch. I wouldn't think to ration it but he's my child and I'm not resentful on spending money to feed him. If the fruit runs out we buy more and it isn't impacting him eating actual meals. We can afford it though, when i was a kid, if the fruit ran out there wasn't always enough money to buy more so we had to wait till next week. My mum didn't allow us to help ourselves for this reason, we had to ask.

Your bigger issue is that your partner needs to contribute more financially, why not tackle that rather than directing your ire at a child?

As for resenting paying for food for a 7 year old who has recently had a lot of upheaval in her life well that doesn't exactly put you in the best light. I have a 7 year old of my own and I think it's rather sad.

At 7 suddenly getting access perhaps for the first time to all the gorgeous fruit I'd have gone for it big time

I still remember my first peach

But you are buying expensive fruit

If she’s used to eating sweets a lot she may be on sugar craving binges.
i second the carrot sticks suggestion, they have some sweetness to them and don’t cost a fortune.

Where to start? The fruit, yes it's too much. You either need to give some guidance or don't buy a weeks supply all at once.

Is she drinking enough? Dehydrated maybe?
You're on mat leave, can your husband increase his hours to help out financially for a change?
Using words like "greedy " and "gorging"? Pretty horrible tbh. Especially about a kid who, for whatever reason, has been going through a significant event in her life.

OP, next time just say your daughter and you'll get full sympathy and understanding. The mere mention of "step" turned your into a wicked bitch that hates the child and wants her to starve. Its embarrassing for the poor little lambs that are so threatened by other women like this.

I for one think you are doing an incredible job with the funding and support you are giving. I would grow to resent funding an out of control eating habit when I had other mouths to feed and a tight budget. I find it a bit shocking that OH is quite happy for this to come out of your pocket but doesnt feel you have a right to an opinion. If OH is fine with it, he needs to start paying for it himself. Better still, maybe the mother should start contributing. If she had money for SD to binge sweets at home, she has money to help feed her at yours.

My step children dont help themselves to food at ours outside of making themselves breakfast (bagel/toast/cereal), they are rarely denied anything, but they must ask. If they've already had crisps and a chocolate bar, they can go and get a banana for instance. The idea of letting children roam free in the pantry is just lazy parenting, its quite normal to make sure children are eating properly.

@Cantthinkofaname2203
one of the first things people ask single mums who are struggling on here is where is the father and why is he not paying any support or maintenance?

I think it is fair to point out that this child has two biological parents neither of whom are supporting her financially.

and whilst the OPs resentment may be wrongly directed at the child she isn’t wrong to be resentful of the situation, where she married a working adult, who was supporting himself and his child, she has then had to take on financially supporting him, and now his child as well. this Is not what she signed up for so I can understand her frustration- being solely financially responsible for a household and having three people dependent on you is also incredibly stressful.

Buy more cheaper fruits like apple and bananas. For berries, buy frozen so you have to give her some rather than her take it willy nilly . Also chopped up carrot and cucumber.

I'd be very happy if my 7yo ate all that fruit, although not if they made diarrhea mess from it. And it IS better to eat fruit than the sweets gorging girl was used to.

If it's "expensive fruit" how does that fit with "being on a tight budget". The logic on rationing the fruit is mostly about the tight budget & it's on the need to ration/tight budget that OP disagrees with her DH so can't find a unified policy, eg., locking the fruit in a cupboard etc.

This is a co-parenting thread not a diet decisions one.
Cheaper fruit (more bananas, less berries & melon) would be one area to compromise.

Don’t be so ridiculous. If that’s roughly the amount of fruit she eats every day then that would cost me nearly half my weekly food shop for 4 just for fruit snacks for 1 person. And yes fruit is healthy but like most things, in moderation. It’s not nothing to do with begrudging it, rather not being able to afford it and thinking it’s not that good for her.

Totally agree with those saying either buy less or different fruit, or portion out what you have and show her what she can eat.

If you substitute needy for greedy you might get a clearer view of the situation. Her world is in chaos and she is self soothing orally.

She has had a massive change of life and so have you. None of you can carry on as before. She has to learn the rules and habits of a whole new home and change to adapt them. You need to change too - the shopping and housekeeping habits and the spending that worked for you as a family of two adults clearly aren't working for a family of 4.

Stop buying the expensive fruit -the simple fact is that you can't afford it. There's no shame in that. I eat berries every day now but when DC were little and we only had one wage earner in the house we probably bought them 3 times a year. Fruit was apples, bananas and sliced up oranges. And not every day.

Sugar is addictive so the more she has, the more she will want. The household shopping habits are enabling this. Make it easier for her to to eat healthier things. My D.C. loved humus with sliced carrots/peppers/cucumber/cherry tomatoes +some sliced up pitta strips or crackers. They also loved coleslaw which is very, very inexpensive to make. Sell it to her as a treat, an indoor picnic in front of the tv.

OP, next time just say your daughter and you'll get full sympathy and understanding. The mere mention of "step" turned your into a wicked bitch that hates the child and wants her to starve

Quite.

Why is the mother not contributing? All so quick to shit on dad not contributing enough, but mum contributes fuck all & that’s ok?

But yea, that’s way too much fruit, she’ll have no teeth left.

That’s huge amounts of sugar-it’ll rot her teeth. I would sit her down and say she can’t eat that much fruit-it’s for all the household for all week, it’s affecting her tummy, her teeth, her appetite for dinner and your finances.

I would say she can have a portion of fruit after lunch and also as dessert after dinner.

She will be comfort eating. I was full time step mum to my dsd when she was that age too. It’s so tough. What I do for both kids (DS and DSD is have ‘snack boxes’ freely available to them for the day but pre portioned. Things like a box of raisins, a banana, an apple, carrot sticks, a bag of crisps, maybe a chocolate bar or malt loaf or biscuit. Yoghurts in the fridge. My DS would snack constantly if I let him but this way they get control of knowing there is food but it’s limited.

You seem quite harsh and resentful. I feel terribly sad for your stepdaughter, as I have no doubt that what will be justified as a financial or healthy eating based decision stems in large part from your unhappiness at having her in your home.

Seven isn’t too young to perceive that and I strongly suspect she’s well aware of your negative feelings toward her. Try hard not to do that to an innocent child.

I think there's more to it than the excessive fruit and I agree it's too much.

• Your step daughter moved from living with her Mum to living with you and her Dad full time. Did something happen with her Mum and is SD upset about it? Does she miss her Mum?

• You mention you are the high earner and DH works part time with only a small contribution to the finances. Not sure how this is relevant to the fruit but does it bother you? It would me. When is he going back to a full time, better paid job?

• You must be sleep deprived with a 5 month old and it's a huge change going from 0 to 2 children! Sounds like your step daughter moved in at at the same time the baby was born?

And OP try to ignore those being rude. Mumsnet has a horrible attitude to step parents. I love my step daughter with every fibre of my being: I am her mother. She is 18 now and we are currently on holiday together (long since split from her dad). Go on the step parent thread instead

Don’t be ridiculous. She lives with the OP full time and the OP is single-handedly paying for her and additional things like play therapy. Do you just see ‘stepmother’ and project? Many posters do. It’s ludicrous and derails threads.

Lord knows they stalk out that thread too. Little else to do with their time whilst little Jayden is at school or his dads.

Oh dear, my asd daughter eats a lot of fruit. She can eat 5 apples in a day. I didn't realise it was bad. Eats a lot of carrots too. I'd say she eats up to 10 fruit a day. Before that it was crisps so I felt fruit is much better 😥