Stepdaughter eating too much fruit

[Katey83]

My dsd, 7, moved in with us full
time back in January. Our situation is that I am higher earner and breadwinner on Mat leave with 5 month old baby, husband does some part time work that doesn’t bring in much (he runs our family vehicle and contributes towards household costs such as shopping etc). Dsd’s mother does not contribute towards her expenses while she is living here (indefinitely for now).

At the moment, we are on a tight budget due to my mat leave - and one thing driving me crazy is dsd eating all our fruit. We will buy a weekly shop with 2 bunches bananas, few punnets of berries, peaches, melon, grapes, tangerines etc and she will eat her way through the lot in two days. For example, yesterday she ate a punnet and a half of raspberries, three peaches, four tangerines, some grapes, a slice of melon and two bananas. This is on a school day (so she eats this at breakfast and in the evening). She is then obviously reluctant to finish a proper evening meal or try anything she dislikes. She also has had a couple of accidents with loose stools (imo this is from bingeing on fruit). She takes from the fridge without asking and leaves nothing for DH and I.

I’ve spoken to my dh about this and he says she is a growing child and at least fruit is good for her - fair enough I buy fruit partly for her to eat, but the amount seems greedy to me, and beyond what is necessary for a healthy child. I think reasonable is a small
bowl of berries and grapes along with a tangerine and banana after school as a snack and then one piece for dessert. She can also have melon and banana for breakfast along with cereal and a yoghurt. I want her to learn that food costs money, we don’t have a bottomless pit of it and you don’t just gorge on whatever you want because you are bored/tired/didn’t eat your dinner, you ration portions in a family so everyone gets a fair share, and sometimes eat less tasty things to maintain a healthy diet.

We provide substantial breakfast, lunch and dinner portions, and I try to accommodate her tastes (though she can’t just have fish fingers and strawberries as a diet, which would be her preference).When she first came to us she was also gorging like this on sweets - that’s been easier to nip in bud as dh can see how unhealthy it is. I want to handle this in a compassionate way, would I be unreasonable to stop buying fruit until dh agrees to a sensible ration for dsd?

I mean yeah tbh..she has too much access so why are people having a go!

Anyway she sounds unhealthy so I think dad should take her to the doctor

I agree with sounds like you are resenting her, dont take the mess the adults have chosen to do out on a 7 year old and tbf you chose to get involved with a guy with a child,who also sounds irresponsible and so does his ex who dosent provide for her daughter living elsewhere.

No there would not. People just hate part time working men and stepmums

What is your advice re the fruit

Would not even think to limit it, i cringe when my kids asks for oily crisps or toast over berries,veg and fruit and encourage to eat fruit with fibre and vitamins.

Would you insist a mum who worked part time to care for a baby also worked full time if she had an old rnchild?

She’s just swapped the sweets that she’s not allowed anymore with the sweet fruit.

I think people are being harsh, as well as being a seismic change for her it is for you too having her live with you full time, whilst always a possibility a step child will move in, sounds like it is a change from how things were when you met. In your post you even say you want to approach it compassionately and that you try and accommodate her tastes; most people would find these greed and thoughtlessness towards others by eating all of the fruit irritating if it was their own child. You're also paying for play therapy as you recognise she's been through a lot, it's not like you're just moaning about it without actually having tried to support her also.

Your DH should be helping figure something out, it'd be a shame to not buy as much if others also enjoy eating it, but that much fruit is going to wreck her teeth and stomach plus as you say its expensive.

Yes you are being unreasonable. She needs to feel like its her home, she shouldn't need to worry every time she takes a piece of fruit.

Plus she's had a trauma of moving in with you full time and is a child. You can't ration her unless she is causing herself harm - otherwise you might make this trauma worse and trigger other issues.

Sounds like the issue is not with the child its that your not happy with DH and your living situation.

Dd had to see a paediatrician for various allergies and we ran through her diet and we were asked to cut down on fruit. Fruit every day is fine in moderation. But as you mentioned in your OP, too much of it can cause a runny tummy in children.

Better for her to have more filling snacks - maybe some peanut butter or cheese type snacks alongside the fruit to help her digest it better. I would just limit what you offer her and provide other snacks in the interim. Good luck!

I definitely think this is some sort of comfort eating thing, and feel for the little girl. She's been through some very big changes, and even in a regular family the arrival of a new sibling can be difficult for the older one.

I'd try only keeping the more expensive berries etc for weekend treats and buy more of the apples, bananas etc for the other days. And explain that too much fruit will damage her teeth, and that you don't want her to have to have fillings etc.

There's a difference bw "worrying every time she takes a piece if fruit" and scoffing your way through pounds of the stuff in a couple of days @SoTiredNeedHoliday . I never let mine have unlimited access to the fruit bowl, and things like raspberries and blueberries are strictly divided do everyone gets some. Despite what some people think unlimited fruit isn't esp healthy and at 7 it's fine for parents to regulate snacking.

Your H should not be allowing his DD to eat in a way that is bad for her health.
Google some information about excessive fruit consumption, show him, and tell him he you think he needs to parent his child properly with regards to her diet.
Tell him you respect his right to the final say regarding his DD. But, you are being asked to contribute to her parenting as she lives in your home, and you don't feel comfortable facilitating and colluding with something harmful to her.
So if he insists on allowing it, its down to him to provide the extra fruit, as you will be removing her free access to the household supply, and offering only appropriate amounts.

Lock on the fridge? Put the food out of her reach?

But he is not looking after the baby or his 7 yr old- OP is on maternity leave and doing what every new mum is doing, 7 year old i assume is most of the day in the goverment care aka school. Why is he not working full time m,dripping random cash there and there is not enough with 2 kids and why is he not getting child mainteinance from the childs mother?

Right now it looks these 2 are letting OP pay for their child. The child is not the problem her irresponsible parents are, fruit is least of your problems as time goes on she will need clothes,shoes,school trip money etc

She's 7, you are the adult so you say- "DSD, that's enough fruit now- your dinner will be ready soon."

I'd say 3 portions of fruit a day are enough.

No, it's not good for her, nor healthy. This is crazy, a shit ton of sugar. Also, you have a DH problem.

Stepmothers always get a hard time on here but you have taken in a 7 year old when you have a new baby, you deserve credit for not only coping with that but funding therapy for her.

It's too much fruit - bad for her teeth, likely to give her the runs. Buy cheaper fruit and encourage her to have youghurt, wholemeal toast, carrots or popcorn as a snack.

I agree with the PP who makes a comment that the OP states she is a 'high earner' so why begrudge the cost of fruit. Yes, I get that you are on mat leave but surely 'high earners' have built up a buffer of savings so that the cost of a few punnets of berries isn't really a problem . Seriously, if it's such an issue just stop buying so much fruit and also install 'set' meal and snack times with clear guidance on what is considered 'help yourself'. Unless you live in a mansion presumably as a family you are spending time together (esp as you are on mat leave) so why is your DSD constantly grazing?

Fruit is expensive. We have the rule that no more than 2 banana per day, they can eat as much apples and pears as they like but the berries etc are specifically for meals which an adult dishes out so everyone can have some.

You could try subbing in carrot sticks, cucumber etc to start of dh won't police her grazing

We've actually done this with our 5 year old, last summer everytime we went in the garden he and our 1 ye old cleared all the blackberries and raspberries on our bushes 😂 free snack!

Ops reasoning and resentment are off but also someone should be spending enough time with a 7 year old to help prepare them a snack. Both mine love grapes, they would eat a punnet, they would then get diarrhea! So if they ask for grapes I make them a wee snack plate with crackers, grated cheese and grapes. Or they also love berries, they get a snack of berries, a few dollops of yoghurt and a handful of wholegrain cereal or muesli.

The problem with fruit is it's not desparately filling on its own.

The problem with op is she's really more annoyed she's having to feed or bother with a child that isn't hers. If she was really worried about health she and her husband would be working on strategies like this to help her stepdaughter eat a more varied diet. The child would almost definitely also appreciate the effort and time spent preparing a snack and hanging out with her wile she eats it.

Whil my toddler napped yesterday I made my 5 year old a 'picky plate' and hot chocolate and we watched a Disney movie. Kept him quiet so she could sleep and he loved the one on one time and snack foods.

You need to try and keep patience and tackle this calmly OP.
The amount of fruit you describe your DSD eating in one day is too much. However you could tackle this by using suggestions given by other posters rather than stopping buying fruit altogether until DH gets a grip, which is just making the problem bigger.
Buy fruit like berries in smaller amounts and try portioning them out. Use more apples and pears, and introduce more chopped up cucumber peppers celery and carrots as a substitute for fruit. Maybe balance the fruit/veg with hummus or dip or yogurt/custard/chia pudding if this makes it more satisfying? Involve DSD in sharing, portioning and preparing food/snacks. Suggest food and snacks are eaten at the table more often.
Could you improve the protein and variety in your DSD’s diet so she is more satisfied with other food? Another PP suggested hard boiled eggs, cheese and crackers, small cubes of chicken and salad? or simply give her her main meal earlier?
if this child has recently come to live with you full time, then a new family dynamic is being formed. It’s obviously a lot for you with your new baby, but loving bonds now will bring dividends for 20 years. Of course you are right that it’s not good for a child to be greedily scoffing large amounts of any food. But you don’t want food to be a battleground either.

@Violasaremyfavourite

It's a tricky situation isn't it.

And shows how awfully sad these blended families can be.

I know a few children who have ended up in Foster care or with grandparents because their own parents have split up, moved on and don't want the annoying older relic from the first poorly thought out union ruining their chance of happiness in the next.

It's not a surprise that a step partner causes harm to the children who already exist.

Personally i wonder if ops partner was wise starting a new family lime this and should have thrown himself into supporting the child he has and getting her to at least early teens before thinking of starting again

What time is the evening meal being served? Maybe she's hungry between school and the evening meal.

If your husband is PT is he spending plenty of time with her?