Stepdaughter eating too much fruit

[Katey83]

My dsd, 7, moved in with us full
time back in January. Our situation is that I am higher earner and breadwinner on Mat leave with 5 month old baby, husband does some part time work that doesn’t bring in much (he runs our family vehicle and contributes towards household costs such as shopping etc). Dsd’s mother does not contribute towards her expenses while she is living here (indefinitely for now).

At the moment, we are on a tight budget due to my mat leave - and one thing driving me crazy is dsd eating all our fruit. We will buy a weekly shop with 2 bunches bananas, few punnets of berries, peaches, melon, grapes, tangerines etc and she will eat her way through the lot in two days. For example, yesterday she ate a punnet and a half of raspberries, three peaches, four tangerines, some grapes, a slice of melon and two bananas. This is on a school day (so she eats this at breakfast and in the evening). She is then obviously reluctant to finish a proper evening meal or try anything she dislikes. She also has had a couple of accidents with loose stools (imo this is from bingeing on fruit). She takes from the fridge without asking and leaves nothing for DH and I.

I’ve spoken to my dh about this and he says she is a growing child and at least fruit is good for her - fair enough I buy fruit partly for her to eat, but the amount seems greedy to me, and beyond what is necessary for a healthy child. I think reasonable is a small
bowl of berries and grapes along with a tangerine and banana after school as a snack and then one piece for dessert. She can also have melon and banana for breakfast along with cereal and a yoghurt. I want her to learn that food costs money, we don’t have a bottomless pit of it and you don’t just gorge on whatever you want because you are bored/tired/didn’t eat your dinner, you ration portions in a family so everyone gets a fair share, and sometimes eat less tasty things to maintain a healthy diet.

We provide substantial breakfast, lunch and dinner portions, and I try to accommodate her tastes (though she can’t just have fish fingers and strawberries as a diet, which would be her preference).When she first came to us she was also gorging like this on sweets - that’s been easier to nip in bud as dh can see how unhealthy it is. I want to handle this in a compassionate way, would I be unreasonable to stop buying fruit until dh agrees to a sensible ration for dsd?

I will never understand why people think lecturing someone that is clearly trying hard and going above and beyond about how much they need to "be better" and aren't doing enough, without any recognition of what they are doing, is the way to go.

OP has, unexpectedly, gone from being a part time to full time step parent of a traumatised child. She's just had her first baby, in itself really difficult, she's providing for the whole family, she clearly has compassion for her step child.

Writing all that off with a strong message of "do better, you're doing shit" is not going to endear someone to being the paragon of virtue, focused entirely and unfalteringly on helping this child with their trauma (a task she never expected to have to take on). It's going to breed resentment. She's already doing loads of good here at a really difficult and exhausting time in her own life. Have some respect for how much she's already doing.

She shouldn’t call her DSD ‘greedy’ when talking to her directly, or when she’s within earshot. That could be damaging, definitely. (I was an overweight child who comfort are, so I'm speaking from experience here.) If she’s doing this, then she’s out of order.

But calling her eating habits ‘greedy’ in a Mumsnet thread isn’t hurting the girl at all. She is simply asking advice on how to handle the situation sensitively, and has come up with a solution that actually looks like it might work. Hopefully she’ll come back and update us.

It wasn’t the best word to use on a thread here, though, where there are always posters looking for an opportunity to stick the boot into any stepmum who has anything remotely negative to say about her stepchild.

Agree, a whole of dribble .

Both of your last posts have been spot on! 💯
The stepmom has even worked out a solution with her DSD and it was done with love and compassion. I would guess the DSD is thrilled with having her very own snack plate and it's a great bonding time for the two of them.

I feel, as you do, that the SM has totally stepped up to the challenge.

You might want to make up a "yes box" for her. A box of snacks she can have access to, and you can portion the fruit and other healthy snacks in there each day.

Have some respect for how much she's already doing. I agree, I have seen people get so angry towards stepmums who are doing far more than should ever be expected of them. Remember these are not their children, they have made a choice to be part of the family and I am in awe of what some people choose to take on.

And this didn't even have to be her challenge. She could have easily said nope I'll let her dad sort this out.

OP is doing an amazing job and if I'm brutally honest with myself I think I'd have struggled to cope to think about anything else when I had a 7 month old.

Your life with your parents sounds a bit sad and sad that you internalised it and considered it totally ok. Especially if your mum just refused to do midweekly shop, so odd.

PS. fruit juice, crisps and ice cream is absolutely not the same as berries from the health/sugar intake/insulin resistance perspective

Well I think she is going to learn the hard way, that kids don’t do things by the book. She has her own little one and will learn that you can plan how that kid is going to behave, how they will eat, how you won’t make mistakes… 1st to 2nd kid you soon learn, kids have own mind, they will have temper tantrums they will get in to funny ways with food, they will go to birthday party’s with loads of sweets (my first and second was no sweet policy.. then they went to birthday partys) can control everything but can teach moderation. I personally think OP is taking out her frustration a bit on the kid, she had set out her and DH had their life and his kid at weekends, she maybe needs to go easier on the kid (look at her other posts not just this one) kid is not the problem, she just a little kid who clearly prefers sweet foods (feel good foods) so maybe needs a bit more patience with her. But I’d give her other posts a read might change ur views slightly

Awwww... She isn't 'greedy' or 'gorging on food'. She is 7 years old.

You need to let her know what she can and can't have and when, and make sure she'd being given enough food at meal times to satisfy her.

Hope she's coping with the change of living situation.

What are her strengths? What do you and your DH love about her?

Late to the thread, but your husband has abdicated responsibility for this child's diet and health, and you're taking the resentment you have for him and redirecting it onto this little girl. No she's not being "greedy", she's doing what she was raised to do before she came to you - seek out sugar - and she's not receiving guidance from either of her biological parents in how to eat a balanced diet. That responsibility has fallen on the shoulders of a woman who now resents her. Poor girl.

Zombie thread. Read the OP's posts - she took advice from the thread and progress was made.

That's great a fruit plate has been introduced and working

Well done

Fwiw you have had a lot of grief on this thread - it's obv you care for your step daughter - And your replies were very calm and all you wanted was a bit of support and help

Yes eating all that fruit was a lot for anyone. Even an adult let alone a child

Mini blondes is 7 and loves fruit but also veg. Loves loves loves carrot sticks and cucumber at the moment so has those a lot cut into batons - as well as apples pears grapes

Tbh I buy one punnet of strawberries /raspberries as they are more costly and when gone they are gone

I get the strain of being higher earner and on ml , plus a dh not earning enough but makes sense if he is going to look after baby when you go back to work - to not look for more work

Your step daughter is lucky to have you in her life and hope she enjoys being a big sister