Stepdaughter eating too much fruit

[Katey83]

My dsd, 7, moved in with us full
time back in January. Our situation is that I am higher earner and breadwinner on Mat leave with 5 month old baby, husband does some part time work that doesn’t bring in much (he runs our family vehicle and contributes towards household costs such as shopping etc). Dsd’s mother does not contribute towards her expenses while she is living here (indefinitely for now).

At the moment, we are on a tight budget due to my mat leave - and one thing driving me crazy is dsd eating all our fruit. We will buy a weekly shop with 2 bunches bananas, few punnets of berries, peaches, melon, grapes, tangerines etc and she will eat her way through the lot in two days. For example, yesterday she ate a punnet and a half of raspberries, three peaches, four tangerines, some grapes, a slice of melon and two bananas. This is on a school day (so she eats this at breakfast and in the evening). She is then obviously reluctant to finish a proper evening meal or try anything she dislikes. She also has had a couple of accidents with loose stools (imo this is from bingeing on fruit). She takes from the fridge without asking and leaves nothing for DH and I.

I’ve spoken to my dh about this and he says she is a growing child and at least fruit is good for her - fair enough I buy fruit partly for her to eat, but the amount seems greedy to me, and beyond what is necessary for a healthy child. I think reasonable is a small
bowl of berries and grapes along with a tangerine and banana after school as a snack and then one piece for dessert. She can also have melon and banana for breakfast along with cereal and a yoghurt. I want her to learn that food costs money, we don’t have a bottomless pit of it and you don’t just gorge on whatever you want because you are bored/tired/didn’t eat your dinner, you ration portions in a family so everyone gets a fair share, and sometimes eat less tasty things to maintain a healthy diet.

We provide substantial breakfast, lunch and dinner portions, and I try to accommodate her tastes (though she can’t just have fish fingers and strawberries as a diet, which would be her preference).When she first came to us she was also gorging like this on sweets - that’s been easier to nip in bud as dh can see how unhealthy it is. I want to handle this in a compassionate way, would I be unreasonable to stop buying fruit until dh agrees to a sensible ration for dsd?

I think your DH needs to step up here. It's too much fruit - as others have said, the sugar is an issue but so is the acid. Some great suggestions on here for alternatives - carrots, nuts, protein, lots of water, - and distraction and management.

No one person in a home should be decimating a family's whole week supply of anything in two days.

@Freehugs ideas for reducing access and managing alternatives sound very realistic. But your DH needs to lead on this - partly because he has more time and also because it's his DD. Does she need more of a routine so she knows when meals are? Can he up his 1:1 time with her too to try to address the emotional side of this?

I agree that DSD's mother needs to be accountable for something - if this was a man he'd be called a deadbeat dad.

Finally, ignore the baiters accusing you of not caring for your DSD.

Your DH, who is neither contributing financially nor parenting this child properly, sounds like a prince among men.

Poor kid.

Could you try getting her a fruit bowl and she can eat whatever is in that fruit bowl that day?

OP, next time just say your daughter and you'll get full sympathy and understanding. The mere mention of "step" turned your into a wicked bitch that hates the child and wants her to starve. Its embarrassing for the poor little lambs that are so threatened by other women like this.

A million times this.

I get where you’re coming from but you need to stay away from words like “greedy”. I suspect most of your frustration here comes from being the only person who is financially responsible for a child who isn’t yours which adds to your pressure, but that’s the fault of the other adults involved, not your DSD. It’s not a very fair situation for either of you, it feels a bit like you’ve been set up there because you’re always going to be the one worrying about money whilst her parents get to say “at least it’s health” I don’t know much about these things but does her mum really not have to pay anything whilst she lives with you full time? Seems wrong.

Anyway, regardless, for whatever reason she’s having too much fruit and you’re probably right about the accidents being caused by that. It’s also no good if she’s not eating her main meals, so these are all good reasons to tackle it without greediness or gorging being brought in to it. And yes, she’s probably comfort eating and whilst understanding and acknowledgement of that are key, comfort eating isn’t a healthy coping mechanism and you’re doing the right thing to help her with it.

So- lots of reassurance and kindness to DSD but she can’t just go and get a snack whenever she wants any more because we need to make sure everyone in the family has a balanced diet to stay health (it’s great that you always go for fruit but we need all sorts of things in our diet to be healthy). Could she be involved in the shopping process and choose the fruit she likes for the week then her dad could portion some up for her for her after school snack and she can choose some after dinner? Or could she help him prepare a portion when she gets home? As other poster have said, throw some carrots, cucumber sticks etc in to the mix? This way it isn’t her step mum denying her food, it’s just a different family approach to snacking. And the same with DH to be honest, he’s likely to be defensive for his daughter if he thinks she is being judged, perhaps less so if he feels it’s about putting her health and wellbeing first.

So, difficult as it is, try to take the emotion out of it for all of you. Approach it on a practical level and keep on being consistently kind and reassuring to DSD.

I think this would all be helped if dad taught his daughter to cook. Just simple dishes first then as she gets older more complex dishes. We take our children shopping and they can see prices and they are also encouraged to try everything (not forced to eat it, just a little taste).
If she starts viewing food differently it will really help her.

Yeah - It's not on really isn't it. Someone takes on the stepmum role - not an easy one. And then the moment they say something vaguely difficult or negative about the stepchild it's like YOU HATE THEM YOU'RE NOT THEIR MOTHER BUTT OUT.

If your husband cba to parent his daughter then you will have to.

If you think that the best/easiest way is to stop buying fruit then do that.

I also think it's fine for kids to have to ask if they can have stuff so as to take others into consideration.

I knew as a kid that there was stuff that we couldn't have as it couldn't be afforded or the money was needed for something else.

OP: A family member east a ridiculous amount of fruit.
Scenario 1, family member = step child.
MN: " oh the poor lamb, I can't believe you'd be so cruel as to restrict the amount of fruit"

Scenario 2, family member = husband.
MN: "The greedy fat loathsome slug. Divorce him immediately"

Buy cheaper fruit! Berries are so expensive. Buy apples, pears, plums, bananas, oranges. If you buy the ‘basics’ brands of these, you get a lot more for your money.

And honestly, I feel for you, you’re not a wicked step mum, you’re the only adult of the three taking any responsibility for anyone by the sounds of things and with a small baby and trying to balance a really difficult step parent role that must be HARD. Like I say, it feels a bit as if you’ve been set up here, the other adults seem to be off the hook with money and parenting their daughter whilst you worry about money and her health.

As an adult, I would be very ill if I ate all that fruit!

I don’t like the idea that kids need to ask for healthy snacks like fruit. Maybe put a little lunch box in the fridge with snacks for her. Mini cheeses, crackers, veggie sticks, some fruit etc. That way she knows what’s hers to take for that day.

Personally I’d hide the fruit and make her up a daily box.
Fruit is healthy but so high in sugar, she needs to eat it in moderation at right now she is consuming a very unhealthy amount.
Her teeth will suffer along with her body so it needs nipping in the bud very quickly!

That's bullshit, sorry. There really is no health issue with eating as much fruit as you want other than an upset tummy. The sugar in whole fruit is processed completely differently by the body than processed sugars. They aren't remotely comparable.

We were hard up when our DC were growing up and all fruit was put away and had to be asked for unless I specifically offered it. DC would never have dreamt of taking any food at all without asking permission. I think the idea of a snack box for her is a good idea so she still has an element of control over what she chooses to eat. Maybe don’t buy the more expensive fruit for a week or two so she gets used to the change?

Binge eating anything is not good for you. There are absolutely health issues with consistently over eating fruit. High in calories for one, teeth for another. It is not healthy. 5 portions of fruit and veg a day are recommended, not as much as you can eat before you throw up, why do you seem to think you know better than this?

The sugar in whole fruit is fructose. Processed sugar in the UK is sucrose, which is metabolised to glucose and fructose.

Fructose is fructose, whether it's from fruit or not.

Why? Do you think its not possible for a seven year old to be greedy? Do they only become greedy when they turn 14....or 18, or 21? This is a ridiculous mindset. Children can be greedy....also selfish, mean and yes, unpleasant. Part of parenting is teaching them that indulging in these selfish behaviours isnt right and that we all have to live together - first in families, then in schools and workplaces and in greater society at large.

That’s not true, fruit contains glucose and fructose. Fructose, due to the presence of fibre, doesn’t raise blood sugar. The liver deals with it. Glucose, obviously, does impact blood sugar and has all the associated issues with that. Fruit should form part of a balanced diet but saying you can’t eat too much is quite misleading. And it can certainly cause weight gain.

That’s so hard having a 7 year old move in full time when you’ve just had a baby. It sounds like she was snacking and grazing on sweets at her mums so has understandably replaced that with strawberries etc.

I have teens now and still mainly buy boring fruit with berries, melon and peaches as a treat. Sometimes if I buy nectarines, I put one in the cupboard for me as I know the teens will soon clear the nice fruit.

Same with chocolate, icecream etc., I just buy less so it’s not in the house for long.

Part of parenting is teaching them, unless you are a step parent then how dare you try and teach them that, they are just a child, leave them alone.

Bring the poor child to their mum or ask the father to provide more money for fruit or to buy her all the fruit she wants.

I agree with this

the tangent is your tone and people are dissecting you as a step mother just ignore and take any good ideas about the fruit situation, sharing and leaving something for others

dont mention being a step mother if people don’t need to know

Please don't call her greedy. Point out that too much fruit will make her tummy hurt. Maybe let her choose several things a day and put them in a bowl.

Switch to carrot sticks, cucumber sticks and apples, much better for her health wise. Stop buying berries for now and I see you’ve said she’s in play therapy, might be worth mentioning to them?