Stepdaughter eating too much fruit

[Katey83]

My dsd, 7, moved in with us full
time back in January. Our situation is that I am higher earner and breadwinner on Mat leave with 5 month old baby, husband does some part time work that doesn’t bring in much (he runs our family vehicle and contributes towards household costs such as shopping etc). Dsd’s mother does not contribute towards her expenses while she is living here (indefinitely for now).

At the moment, we are on a tight budget due to my mat leave - and one thing driving me crazy is dsd eating all our fruit. We will buy a weekly shop with 2 bunches bananas, few punnets of berries, peaches, melon, grapes, tangerines etc and she will eat her way through the lot in two days. For example, yesterday she ate a punnet and a half of raspberries, three peaches, four tangerines, some grapes, a slice of melon and two bananas. This is on a school day (so she eats this at breakfast and in the evening). She is then obviously reluctant to finish a proper evening meal or try anything she dislikes. She also has had a couple of accidents with loose stools (imo this is from bingeing on fruit). She takes from the fridge without asking and leaves nothing for DH and I.

I’ve spoken to my dh about this and he says she is a growing child and at least fruit is good for her - fair enough I buy fruit partly for her to eat, but the amount seems greedy to me, and beyond what is necessary for a healthy child. I think reasonable is a small
bowl of berries and grapes along with a tangerine and banana after school as a snack and then one piece for dessert. She can also have melon and banana for breakfast along with cereal and a yoghurt. I want her to learn that food costs money, we don’t have a bottomless pit of it and you don’t just gorge on whatever you want because you are bored/tired/didn’t eat your dinner, you ration portions in a family so everyone gets a fair share, and sometimes eat less tasty things to maintain a healthy diet.

We provide substantial breakfast, lunch and dinner portions, and I try to accommodate her tastes (though she can’t just have fish fingers and strawberries as a diet, which would be her preference).When she first came to us she was also gorging like this on sweets - that’s been easier to nip in bud as dh can see how unhealthy it is. I want to handle this in a compassionate way, would I be unreasonable to stop buying fruit until dh agrees to a sensible ration for dsd?

That's a crazy amount, and I'm surprised her dad isn't stepping in and setting boundaries.

It might be "healthy" food but it's still sugar.

I'd be pissed if I was paying the food bill too, OP.

I obviously don’t call her greedy, I said in the post that eating that amount ‘seems greedy to me’ - as in, it’s eating for the sake of eating rather than for nutrition. I’d think it was greedy regardless of who was doing the eating.

Oh gosh. Yes it's quite a lot but my goodness id be delighted if my beautiful girls ate this much fruit.

The whole tone here is begrudging, greedy, I'm high wage earner, we don't get anything after she's gorged herself, I'm paying for this, her mum doesn't support her here.

Bottom line... Why can't her mum have her.

She should not be living with you. A little critique op because you had a child with a man who also had a child however it's clear you deeply bergudge her.

Eating too much fruit is such an innocent sin isn't it but it's deeply irking you.

Re think the entire situation I can promise you you won't be silently begrudging your own child eating too much fruit 😂😂.

On a serious note I don't think this situation is fair on this child and I hope she can be reunited with her mum if thatz possible

First of all, if you're hard-up at the moment what are you doing buying raspberries and peaches and melons etc out of season? Incredibly expensive, massive amounts of plastic packaging and a high carbon footprint. It doesn't make sense if you're on a tight budget. Many of those fruits are very high in sugar and she's probably eating them for a sugar fix.

Fill your fruit bowl with apples and pears, which have a lower sugar content and are cheaper, and don't allow her free access to it. Put it out of her reach or in the fridge. Offer a piece of fruit after a meal if she's eaten her veg etc.

Buy frozen berries; cheaper and you can defrost only the portions you need.

And put some apples in the fridge that she is allowed to snack on as much as she wants. It sounds like she's eating lots of sweet berries and juicy fruits like peaches. Apples won't give her the same sugary hit so she's less likely to eat lots at once and might not ruin her appetite.

It might be about a misunderstanding of nutrition though (hence my comment about childhood health obsession).

I think that’s a lot to conclude from
one post about a specific issue. I’m irked at the cost of our food bill and my DH reluctance to step in and deal with what ai see as unhealthy behaviour. I love dsd and we are doing a lot as a family (and I am funding a lot myself, E.g. play therapy) to help her deal with this change in circs.

Why not try having a snack box in the fridge and refilling it every morning. She can help herself to her snacks when ever she likes and learns portion control and you can put some cheaper snacks in it.

It does sound a bit like it’s the manifestation of an emotional problem.

But I agree that much fruit- and the sugar - can’t be good for her.

I think I’d work on making sure she eats more of a balance first and foremost - maybe shift the times of meals if she’s coming home hungry and going for the fruit as it’s easy and tasty? Make a more balanced snack when she first comes in?

At seven, parents should still be in control of what a child is eating.

A punnet and a half in one day?! That's beyond ott and both of you need to set the boundaries. Place them out of reach. Or don't buy them for a while.

Too much fruit will damage her teeth so perhaps go on that tact with your partner.

I have three kids under 6 and we get through a lot of fruit. I buy berries as a treat, usually I just buy bananas, apples, plums and grapes as I find they stretch further and are cheaper. You can also give 1 apple rather than an undefined number of berries.

You sound resentful of your step child. Poor girl.

I'd also suggest that fif having to buy more fruit is making things feel right then you we're not managing that well financially. So maybe your husband needs to work more? Even if the additional fruit cost £20 if that starts to break the budget the budget nerds more slack.

Two problems - too much fruit and DH not contributing enough.

In the short term, allocate weekly portions. If DH wants to give her his share, fine. But if everyone gets a banana, a portion of grapes etc then noone can complain when they have eaten theirs.

So your partner, DSDs dad doesn't work FT or have the gumption to parent his daughter effectively enough to figure out a solution for her over eating?

It isn't healthy for her to eat that amount of fruit, how does he not know that, or does he just not care?

husband does some part time work that doesn’t bring in much (he runs our family vehicle and contributes towards household costs such as shopping etc). Dsd’s mother does not contribute towards her expenses while she is living here (indefinitely for now)

Good grief tell him to find more work! You’re paying all the bills for him and his daughter. I wouldn’t put up with his he needs to get his finger out his arse imo.

Clearly he needs a higher paying job, an extra job or a full time job. Is he looking?

Hi OP, I have a binge eating disorder which stems from childhood trauma.

It's fairly obvious to me that this is what is going on with your DSD.

Your post seems unsympathetic and resentful. She's young and she's in pain and she is self-soothing with sweet things. She needs more support than she's getting and she needs kindness and understanding.

Also FWIW when my food intake was forcibly and unkindly restricted I began self harming instead. You don't want that so go much more gently.

By all means buy cheaper fruit and smaller quantities of it, but don't withhold or ration - she needs to be able to feel soothed.

I’m quite surprised by the amount of judgement on here over one partner in a couple working PT. Yes it’s tight while I am on Mat leave, and perhaps I’m not budgeting all that well having recently acquired 2 kids. However, would there be this judgement if it was the woman working PT because the plan was to save on childcare costs when higher earner returns to work?

It’s too much, parents shouldn’t be afraid to say no to children, even if it involves food. You are giving her three meals a day, so put the snacks she is allowed for the day, into a bowl , she eats them when she wants and when they’re gone, it’s porridge or similar low sugar food.

I don't think she called her greedy, merely described her behaviour (to us/OH)....which it kind of is.

It's unhealthy my son does it but he has adhd/autism and he is VERY sensory seeking crunchy apples are his joy I cut him down because its unhealthy for his teeth AND his stomach

YANBU. Even a very tall bodybuilding man shouldn’t eat that much fruit. I’m not surprised she has an upset tummy.

I can see why your husband is slow to tackle this though given the upheaval she’s had recently. Poor little thing. But I do think it needs regulating as it’s not healthy. It’s so much sugar and there’s no sense of portion control. And yes, she’s a growing girl and it’s not like it’s sweets, but I’ll bet you’re spending a lot of money on fruit several times a week if it’s going in two days. She can still be full eating three balanced meals a day with healthy snacks, reasonable amounts of fruit and the occasional treat in between them. She’s better off snacking on protein richer stuff to fill her for longer if she has an insatiable appetite. My grandma allowed me to be like this, with no sense of waiting until after a meal for a snack or treat etc, and I’m a gluttonous adult. I wonder if it had anything to do with it. Not calling your SD this btw!

I’d consider the following:

• I’d cut back on the pricier fruit we all love to graze on all day like out of season berries and stock up on the cheaper less exciting stuff like bananas, apples and tangerines.
• I’d possibly speak to her about five a day and how you need one banana/a small amount of berries to count and after that you need a different kind of fruit. I’d mention that vegetables need to be included too.
• I’d get some dairy, fibre etc snacks in to encourage more varied snacking.
• I’d buy a certain amount of nicer fruit in my weekly shop and would not replenish until the following week. If it goes, it goes. I’d always have the boring fruit at home though.
• Not having most fruit in sight and replenishing a fruit bowl daily or every couple of days depending on the size of your bowl/how much all of you get through.

He isn't observant enough to realise his daughter is over eating on fruit and developing a bad food habit and is dismissive about health concerns when it is actually pointed out to him.
Do you really think he is a good candidate for fulfilling a childcare role?
He sounds like an incompetent chancer and I'm on your side in regards to the situation.

Is you DH afraid to upset DSD by saying no? Granted my DS is much much younger but I wouldn't let him have that much fruit in one day. It seems excessive. My DS is 9 months old, he would eat a whole punnet of strawberries if I let him but I have to limit his intake as the adult.

children and adults can be greedy, it’s greedy to eat someone else’s share, and it needs managing.

Am trying to keep it factual in the post. I don’t resent DSD and am well aware of the trauma aspect of her behaviour and doing things to support this, while also trying to maintain consistent and fair rules in the home.