Stepdaughter eating too much fruit

[Katey83]

My dsd, 7, moved in with us full
time back in January. Our situation is that I am higher earner and breadwinner on Mat leave with 5 month old baby, husband does some part time work that doesn’t bring in much (he runs our family vehicle and contributes towards household costs such as shopping etc). Dsd’s mother does not contribute towards her expenses while she is living here (indefinitely for now).

At the moment, we are on a tight budget due to my mat leave - and one thing driving me crazy is dsd eating all our fruit. We will buy a weekly shop with 2 bunches bananas, few punnets of berries, peaches, melon, grapes, tangerines etc and she will eat her way through the lot in two days. For example, yesterday she ate a punnet and a half of raspberries, three peaches, four tangerines, some grapes, a slice of melon and two bananas. This is on a school day (so she eats this at breakfast and in the evening). She is then obviously reluctant to finish a proper evening meal or try anything she dislikes. She also has had a couple of accidents with loose stools (imo this is from bingeing on fruit). She takes from the fridge without asking and leaves nothing for DH and I.

I’ve spoken to my dh about this and he says she is a growing child and at least fruit is good for her - fair enough I buy fruit partly for her to eat, but the amount seems greedy to me, and beyond what is necessary for a healthy child. I think reasonable is a small
bowl of berries and grapes along with a tangerine and banana after school as a snack and then one piece for dessert. She can also have melon and banana for breakfast along with cereal and a yoghurt. I want her to learn that food costs money, we don’t have a bottomless pit of it and you don’t just gorge on whatever you want because you are bored/tired/didn’t eat your dinner, you ration portions in a family so everyone gets a fair share, and sometimes eat less tasty things to maintain a healthy diet.

We provide substantial breakfast, lunch and dinner portions, and I try to accommodate her tastes (though she can’t just have fish fingers and strawberries as a diet, which would be her preference).When she first came to us she was also gorging like this on sweets - that’s been easier to nip in bud as dh can see how unhealthy it is. I want to handle this in a compassionate way, would I be unreasonable to stop buying fruit until dh agrees to a sensible ration for dsd?

Does she eat nuts? Nuts would be a better snack than all that fruit. And more filling.

Other than that, I would put what she can have in a box each day and perhaps put extra punnets etc on high shelves behind other items.

She sounds like she is really struggling though. I cannot imagine not living with my mum when I was 7.

I'm very familiar with what a seven and five years old eat who are healthy and sporty kids. They also have great teeth and are friendly and co-operative.
They usually have four servings (small) of vegetables with their main meal. The dentist promotes vegies rather than too many fruits and definitely no dried fruit unless cooked in a cake etc..

They sometimes eat a piece of fruit (or a handful of berries) as a snack after school and have a piece in their lunch box.
So two pieces max. per day and also any fruit (canned) that might be in cooking of biscuits, cakes, yoghut or puddings through out the week.

Buying smaller apples in boxes, or bags of small oranges, pears or mandarins or seasonal fruits is often the most economical for kids. Also buy smaller bananas and some that are green and have to wait.

Eating too much fruit possibly helped the child transition from eating too many lollies.
Try to train her onto sweeter tasting vegies - carrots, corn etc.

Seven year olds do need to have options for snacks as they are growing, like your husband says. Have a piece of wholemeal bread, nut spread, marmite or crackers and cheese slice, unsweetened yoghurt and one piece of fruit available for her own pickings for the day along with water.

Serve most other food at meal times and try to fill her up on nutrient rich foods.
Breakfast of weetabix or porridge with milk or an egg and a piece of toast should keep her happy until morning recess time.
Three servings of dairy, one or two proteins like fish or egg or meat or nuts and lots of vegies, some healthy breads and two fruits per day is what I would call normal. Fruit juice is unnecessary and is definitely counted as extra fruit servings.

A good idea could be for Miss 7 to grow some tomatoes in pots, or snow peas, zucchini, cucumber or sweeter lettuce types. Baking savoury muffins, zuccini cakes, plain scones, oat filled biscuits and cheesey biscuit sticks yourself could save money.

Your daughter could also be eating out of boredom or anxiety or thirst. Suggest water first and have plenty of picture books (join a library) and some paper, pencils, textas, and paste at a craft table or ask if she wants to play outside, listen to music, learn to knit or have a game of Chess or cards?

You are totally right in that any one person should not need to eat the family's weekly fruit supply in two days.

if money is a problem, just buy apples, bananas and oranges. dsd will slow down her fruit consumption then, i think. No need to stop buying fruit completely, that's a punishment.

But really, don't call a child 'greedy' . its a harsh word use in regards to a child. Shes only 7. So young.

i suggest your husband earn more money, or you are going to be carrying the major financial burden of teenagers pretty much on your own. This is not just about fruit. All kids cost a lot, the older they get the more they cost. you should see the amount they can eat as teenagers. IF you are concerned and resentful over the cost of fruit consumed by a 7 yr old dsd now, you are in for a very unpleasant surprise when they reach the more expensive ages.

Wow you begrudge a child eating £5+ of fruit! Veges might be better, but there's much worse than fruit. The cost shouldn't really matter for food, don't have kids if you can't afford to feed them 😑 😳

My 2 boys (now teens) always loved to eat and never stopped. It was difficult to control. They ate big portions but they were never overweight or gaining weight, so you have to think that's the right amount and they judged correctly how much they need. Your job to point them to the right foods, though and keep within the budget.

I would say do 2 smaller shops (esp if husband has plenty of free time). Frozen berries are good too as cheaper and not immediately munchable. Think about tins too (eg peaches, mandarins). Put fruit you don't want her to eat out of line of sight (eg in the chiller underneath the lettuce.) Put snacks you do want her to eat in line of sight (eg houmus, boiled eggs, tomatoes, carrots, cheese, peanut butter, peppers).

Could you take some time and teach her to cook herself some healthy-ish snacks (eg granola bars, cheese on toast, scotch pancakes, cheese straws) that would give her at least a more varied diet and might be something you could enjoy together?

It's not about the fruit everybody! It's about a little girl whose life has changed completely over the last few months. She can't handle it and is eating to compensate.

That’s not a healthy amount of fruit. I would do her a tub each day and she can snack on that then when it’s gone it’s gone, and perhaps offer her some extra after dinner if she’s eaten dinner. My kids know expensive fruit like berries is not for taking, they eat it when we offer it to them which is usually when we are all together after dinner, and there is a maximum on fruit they like, to keep in a healthy range eg no more than two bananas a day.

You are also right to point out that 140 pounds (more than 35 per person) is too much of the food budget to spend on fruit each week. You need to purchase and eat a range of foods for a healthy balanced diet so I can see your point about needing to assess the weekly food shop.

Sure, it's a lot of fruit. And there's no way I would let my DC (8 and 5) eat that much in one day. So you could just stop buying so much.

But the fruit is a side issue.

Why is your stepdaughter not living with her mother? Is she seeing her at all? This is the main issue.

Secondly, why does your husband not work more? If your stepdaughter's mother isn't contributing financially then he has sole financial responsibility for one child and half for another. He needs to be doing a lot more.

Your DH needs to find a full time job so he can contribute an equal share to the household, especially as both of the dc are his. Your step daughter’s mum needs to pay child support so put in a claim for that.

Just buy cheaper fruit eg bananas, apples and pears. If you want grapes then put them high up in the fridge so she can’t reach. Don’t buy berries, peaches and melon as those are more expensive. Also, explain to your step daughter that it is polite to ask before taking food. She needs to learn that it’s not polite to take everyone else’s portions.

Same here. If we get watermelon or berries - gone in a day or two. Then the rest of the week it’s cheaper stuff like apples, carrots etc as snacks. Absolutely fine. We actually don’t usually buy berries because they’re so expensive - we have some frozen raspberries that we can scatter on porridge etc.

I’d get rid of censorious ideas around being greedy, gorging and the idea that eating is just for fuel (eating is for both nutrition and pleasure). Those ideas encourage disordered attitudes towards food.

If you’re actually saying shes had faecal incontinence she needs to see the GP.

Poor kid. So many changes to deal with, and neither of her parents in a position to support her financially? That’s a really rough deal.

@Jemandthehologramsunite but it does matter! Like I don't have an unlimited budget, I have £240pm for food so if I can't afford berries then it's apples or bananas

Put a lock on the fridge so she has to ask! :)

This

Well that's OK having less expensive fruit, it just seems wrong to skimp on healthy food (fruit is healthy)

Agree with this .It does sound like you resent her, it's not her fault her Dad works part time. Don't call a child greedy please.

Exactly. Poor girl it must be awful for her.

I think YABU with the language you have used. You said:

She takes from the fridge without asking

that is the usual method of accessing food! Why does she need to seek permission to meet her survival needs? You sound controlling if you think a member of the household has to ask before using the fridge. She’s not a lodger. You seem to be othering her.

ultimately there are worse things she could be eating so you need to put this into perspective. If her doctor/dentist are not concerned, then why are you? If cost is an issue, you’ll either have to buy less fruit, or switch to cheaper fruit that you can buy more of. It comes across that she’s trying hard to hit 5 a day, can you show her alternative ways she can get this eg parts of her evening meal/school lunch, fruit juice etc.

Her survival needs are being met with the meals she is being served. She needs to learn not to monopolize the treats, both for her own health and for family harmony.

Fruit is not a treat. It is a healthy snack. This is probably how people end up with food issues when they are older. Also I wonder if OP would have an issue with her own flesh and blood eating all the food

Sorry,@Katey83
Growing child. I disagree with your opinion of rationing food. It sets up eating disorders. Instead, try and teach eating other things as well as the fruit she loves. Wondering if she wasn't getting it at her mum's? 🤔

OP she is eating too much fruit and is not good for her teeth. I'd buy her a packet of carrot sticks and a pot of houmous. Buy 2 large bags of apples which contain less sugar and tell her she can have those as a snack. I'd give her a banana each day as part of her breakfast. I'd limit her to one other fruit of her choice so either mixed berries, a pear, a satsuma, an orange or a couple of plums. Why is her mother not contributing to her DD upkeep? It sounds like the poor girl has 2 parents and neither are providing for her. Do you get child benefit for her as she is living with you?

Have you tried her on cucumber and red or yellow peppers ? My son loves these and cheaper and less sugary than fruit. That's a lot of fruit she's eating! And berries are so expensive.

You could also buy her some strawberry plants (and raspberry canes if you've got space) and she can enjoy planting those with you and then eating "her own" fruits in the summer.

I have no doubt that the OP would have just as much of an issue with her "own flesh and blood" gorging on a family weeks worth of fruit in a couple of days. Health wise and manners wise.

Hell would freeze over before I supported a workshy husband and his child. Presumably somebody has explained to your stepdaughter that if she eats all the fruit then nobody else gets any so she is being selfish. I mean I would have thought a seven year old could work that out herself. Your husband is a weak ineffectual parent if all he can do is whine that fruit which he doesn't pay for is healthy. I'd be shot of the pair of them myself.