Stepdaughter eating too much fruit

[Katey83]

My dsd, 7, moved in with us full
time back in January. Our situation is that I am higher earner and breadwinner on Mat leave with 5 month old baby, husband does some part time work that doesn’t bring in much (he runs our family vehicle and contributes towards household costs such as shopping etc). Dsd’s mother does not contribute towards her expenses while she is living here (indefinitely for now).

At the moment, we are on a tight budget due to my mat leave - and one thing driving me crazy is dsd eating all our fruit. We will buy a weekly shop with 2 bunches bananas, few punnets of berries, peaches, melon, grapes, tangerines etc and she will eat her way through the lot in two days. For example, yesterday she ate a punnet and a half of raspberries, three peaches, four tangerines, some grapes, a slice of melon and two bananas. This is on a school day (so she eats this at breakfast and in the evening). She is then obviously reluctant to finish a proper evening meal or try anything she dislikes. She also has had a couple of accidents with loose stools (imo this is from bingeing on fruit). She takes from the fridge without asking and leaves nothing for DH and I.

I’ve spoken to my dh about this and he says she is a growing child and at least fruit is good for her - fair enough I buy fruit partly for her to eat, but the amount seems greedy to me, and beyond what is necessary for a healthy child. I think reasonable is a small
bowl of berries and grapes along with a tangerine and banana after school as a snack and then one piece for dessert. She can also have melon and banana for breakfast along with cereal and a yoghurt. I want her to learn that food costs money, we don’t have a bottomless pit of it and you don’t just gorge on whatever you want because you are bored/tired/didn’t eat your dinner, you ration portions in a family so everyone gets a fair share, and sometimes eat less tasty things to maintain a healthy diet.

We provide substantial breakfast, lunch and dinner portions, and I try to accommodate her tastes (though she can’t just have fish fingers and strawberries as a diet, which would be her preference).When she first came to us she was also gorging like this on sweets - that’s been easier to nip in bud as dh can see how unhealthy it is. I want to handle this in a compassionate way, would I be unreasonable to stop buying fruit until dh agrees to a sensible ration for dsd?

Your husband needs to learn how to parent and set boundaries and give a lot of love to your dsd.

You’re likely to be far better off splitting the maternity leave, so
that you go back to work soon and dh takes the rest of the leave.
it sounds like she might be filling up on fruit because she doesn’t like the meals served to her? It’s really not the case that you can starve a child into eating whatever you serve so I’d just concentrate on the things she likes and try and get her to also taste a few new things. If cost is an issue out of season fruit is a no no. Swap berries and melon for apples, pears etc. she might like cucumber sticks if she likes soft fruits

Pretty sure a seven year old has different portion requirements from a nine month old. Plus parenting a seven year old is a bit different from parenting a baby ...

Glad you've got it all sussed after less than a year of having a child though!

My DD would probably consume that amount of fruit if given the chance. We (me and DP) barely eat fruit nowadays as it's so expensive and she basically eats what we buy. I think it's perfectly reasonable to restrict the amount of fruit. Not only is it £££ but it's also a lot of sugar.

Very true. If it was dad who wasn’t involved/not paying maintenance he would be getting loads of shit on here (quite rightly).

@Katey83

I’m quite surprised by the amount of judgement on here over one partner in a couple working PT.

I agree. So many women on here are SAHM or work PT. Apparently that's fine as they have stuff to do.

It sounds like she came to live with you around the same time the baby was born. That must have been hard all round.

Could you make up snack boxes for each day? Would she eat things like rich tea biscuits, home made cake, rice cakes, mini cheddars etc You could get her one of those boxes with loads of compartments.

I think you need to buy in cheaper fruit & just have the berries at weekends.

Why is her Mum not paying any maintenance?

Because you want to stop buying fruit until DH agrees with you. Which is not healthy. And you talk about her eating OUR

However your general concern is valid.

The issue with Mom, was she looked after and feed properly in a secure way? Or is she eating whilst it's there cos it might be gone tomorrow, or because she was never allowed it, or because food was generally very restricted?

I would do a smaller fruit shop, or put a limited amount out. Help her portion control, make sure she's getting plenty of liquid and filling foods for her meals.

Is she actually eating school lunch?

Is your DH pursuing the mother for child maintenance? That would irk me if he wasn't

I would suggest a combination of two of the ideas above - a snack pot for her, plus as many apples and carrot sticks as she fancies (bowel movements permitting - you do need to keep a bit of an eye on these as she really does sound to be fruit-bingeing ATM). That should help to contain cost while allowing her to 'fill up' on what we are told is a healthy snack.

It's perfectly healthy to stop buying fruit for a short time if there are vegetables available. All that fructose sugar is bad for children.

My 7 Yr old would probably do this too. Put some away/high up or give her a snack bowl for after school, add some raw veg like sugar snap peas and carrots.

Not read the whole thread so don't know if anyone else has said this but if your DSD is going to live with you permanently then her child benefit should be coming to your husband.

Oh and apart from teaching her to budget with e.g. her own pocket money, savings, I would not discuss prices or budgets at all.

She may already have picked up on the fact that her mum is paying nothing and her dad less. Or she will later, and she'll join the dots. Make sensible spending decisions yourself, but don't involve her - in the circumstances she could very easily get the message that she's resented or needs to worry about money herself.

I think you seem the evil stepmother because your husband is putting you in the position of being bad cop.

It may well be that the first thing you notice was the fruit disappearing, or the cost, but it's obvious that you're concerned about her too.

There's no point in pp's saying the mother needs to get involved. Clearly, if everything was OK with the mum, the daughter wouldn't suddenly have changed households for an indefinite period of time.

The ONLY thing I'd judge you for is stocking such a range of fruit which is out of season, and must cost a fortune. It's not necessary.

Berries are actually a great option as they have a relatively low GI, frozen mixed berries would be a great swap.

Meanwhile, whatever your initial question, clearly there's a while ton behind it (as with most mn posts), but if you keep in front of mind the trauma the child has/is experiencing, you'll always make the right decision. Gentle parenting, clear reasonable rules.

All your resentment and animosity should be kept for your husband. You need to keep communicating constantly, because it's amazing how often we look back and realise we somehow ended up in a clearly inequitable partnership, by degrees, without even noticing.

Look up the amount of sugar she is getting from all of that fruit and your DH might quickly realise that it needs cutting down. I know people will say fruit doesn't make you fat but it impacts your insulin response and causes spikes in blood sugar, which isn't good for anyone.

What @Dodgeitornot said

Slightly random but I'm not a huge veg fan but will eat anything with a dip!
Would she eat carrot/cucumber sticks and get a dip or salad dressing to dunk them in?

I actually have a big tub of Greek yoghurt (cheap/filling) and do
Yoghurt + peanut butter + honey for apple slices or banan
Yoghurt + ranch powder for veg sticks

She’s 7, she doesn’t need to learn that food costs money or that things need to be rationed. She needs to be carefree and happy and fed. She’s probably stressed and upset after all the upheaval of leaving her mother and moving in with someone else - that can affect eating habits. If she doesn’t like what she’s being fed, then that needs to be addressed.

In my experience, I think you are missing the point entirely. It has nothing to do with the specific type of food, it could be fruit, sweets, types of bread, types of cheese whatever. It’s not food she’s needing it’s comfort, love and reassurance. She is not being greedy. She’s getting comfort from her food. It’s making her feel good. She’s not living with her mum. She is no longer living where she used to live. She has been living with another mum for 4 months. She is sharing her dad with another sibling. She needs some help or she has got a lifetime ahead of her with this issue.

Oh give it a break, you sound so sanctimonious.

That amount of fruit is very unhealthy due to the amount of sugar and all that acid on her teeth, and she has every right to be unhappy at the cost of the said child refused to eat proper food and is over eating fruit.

Stop buying expensive out of season fruit. Buy her all the bananas and pears and apples she can eat. They’re cheaper and a lot less exotic than peaches and berries and whatnot.

To everyone going on about what hidden meaning could be behind all this, just stop ffs. Yes, the girls life has been uprooted but it doesn’t mean everything has to stop to accommodate. It’s healthy to set boundaries and obviously there are things being put in place to help her deal with the trauma and the transition. Burying her in berries isn’t going to help her through this time any easier, it’s going to give her cavities and a disordered eating habit.

I would be worried about her binge eating. because that's what it is even though it's fruit. Is she struggling with the separation from her mother? Has a child at school said something about that?

Berries and citrus fruits are the lower sugar options - apples and bananas are cheaper and could be bought in higher amounts. Melon is great for hydration, especially the less-sweet watermelons.

Grapes and others are higher in sugar and should be reduced.

Some children just love fruit! But if it affects their tummy then obviously a few boundaries need to be set regarding the amounts.

Raw carrot sticks are lovely and sweet, and how about mini cucumbers with a savoury dip? Well done on getting your s.daughter off the sweets - small steps and changes to the weekly shop should see you continuing on a happy path :-)

I'm amazed it's taken so long for someone to say this.

She's eating everyone else's portions, and not caring.

She's seven and yet she's helping herself to expensive fruit without asking. Even when my kids were significantly older than seven, they asked before helping themselves from the fridge. And part of the reply from us would be along the lines of "how much is left? Has (sibling) had any yet?"

On the whole Mumsnetters tend to be very scared of fruit. Whole fruit is absolutely fine,anything dried or juiced should be limited.

Put what she can have in a box - job done.

A punnet of raspberries is about 10 these days,so hardly an excessive amount.

-you are a new parent
-you are still adapting to life as a mum
-you have taken on an additional child who is at a different stage of development to your baby
-you are having to deal with challenging behaviour as a likely result of adverse childhood experiences
-you carry the burden of being the bread winner.

You are allowed to feel fustrated in the position you are in. I can fully understand why you feel the way you do. I really feel for you. Being able to honestly reflect on how you feel (which you are already doing) in your situation is key to developing solutions.

Your step daughter is likely to have a varying degree of unmet needs. It may help if both you and her father look into attachment theory it could help with giving an insight to behaviour and potential ways to best support her.

She is likely over eating in attempt to fill her emotional needs for comfort. No doubt she will be grieving the way she use to live as well as trying to adapt and make sense of her new life. She too also has the added change of a new sibling.

Its important you approach the over eating softly as not to make her feel any shame. Slowly reduce the availability of fruit over a period of day a week. Until she isn’t able to independently access the fruit on her own - store high up out of reach for example in a basket on top the fridge. When she asks for a snack offer her alternatives perhaps a different snack (pop corn) a drink or even an activity.

Can I have a banana please?

Sure, but it’s not long till dinner time so perhaps have the banana after. Would you like read a book/watch a programme…

Dont be afraid to ask for help - this could be from the gp, school or school nurse. Perhaps your own HV may be able to direct you to available support.

My child’s school has a nuture room and play therapy sessions are available during school time for children who need it - might be a long waiting list but get her name down asap. Or at least they may be able to direct you to other agencies that can offer free support.

I think you and your partner need to have a discussion on how best to reduce the burden you have on your shoulders. Unless he is using his time to actively participate in the childrens day to day care and run the household then perhaps it’s time he gets back to full time work.

Has he considered putting in a claim for child support? Even if mums on benefits it’s £7 to help towards the costs of your step daughter.

Also are you are claiming everything you are entitled to such as child benefit?