Stepdaughter eating too much fruit

[Katey83]

My dsd, 7, moved in with us full
time back in January. Our situation is that I am higher earner and breadwinner on Mat leave with 5 month old baby, husband does some part time work that doesn’t bring in much (he runs our family vehicle and contributes towards household costs such as shopping etc). Dsd’s mother does not contribute towards her expenses while she is living here (indefinitely for now).

At the moment, we are on a tight budget due to my mat leave - and one thing driving me crazy is dsd eating all our fruit. We will buy a weekly shop with 2 bunches bananas, few punnets of berries, peaches, melon, grapes, tangerines etc and she will eat her way through the lot in two days. For example, yesterday she ate a punnet and a half of raspberries, three peaches, four tangerines, some grapes, a slice of melon and two bananas. This is on a school day (so she eats this at breakfast and in the evening). She is then obviously reluctant to finish a proper evening meal or try anything she dislikes. She also has had a couple of accidents with loose stools (imo this is from bingeing on fruit). She takes from the fridge without asking and leaves nothing for DH and I.

I’ve spoken to my dh about this and he says she is a growing child and at least fruit is good for her - fair enough I buy fruit partly for her to eat, but the amount seems greedy to me, and beyond what is necessary for a healthy child. I think reasonable is a small
bowl of berries and grapes along with a tangerine and banana after school as a snack and then one piece for dessert. She can also have melon and banana for breakfast along with cereal and a yoghurt. I want her to learn that food costs money, we don’t have a bottomless pit of it and you don’t just gorge on whatever you want because you are bored/tired/didn’t eat your dinner, you ration portions in a family so everyone gets a fair share, and sometimes eat less tasty things to maintain a healthy diet.

We provide substantial breakfast, lunch and dinner portions, and I try to accommodate her tastes (though she can’t just have fish fingers and strawberries as a diet, which would be her preference).When she first came to us she was also gorging like this on sweets - that’s been easier to nip in bud as dh can see how unhealthy it is. I want to handle this in a compassionate way, would I be unreasonable to stop buying fruit until dh agrees to a sensible ration for dsd?

I don't think you sound resentful of her but it is ridiculous to think you can maintain fair and consistent rules/habits at home when your partner refuses to play his part.

😭😂

My DD loves fruit!!!!! I've started buying more bananas, apples and pears the cheaper ones.. She would polish off the melons, mangos , pineapple and berries very quickly.

Do you have local market? Markets usually have cheaper and seasonal fruit. It isn't the season for berries or peaches yet and therefore they are expensive

I realise you have to agree a solution with her father, but apart from that I'd keep the fact that she is your stepdaughter out of this. There are really obvious issues around health and boundaries. Mixing them up with who contributes what to the budget probably won't help.

She's stopped overeating sweets. Great - well done to all of you. She's still overdoing sugar (and fibre, sounds like). A GP would confirm this around the loose stools.

It's good if she has a "help yourself" range of snacks. I'd talk to her dad about getting her involved in planning that. Decide on x portions of fruit a day, and that should reduce your budget anyway. Agree with PPs re two small shops. Also re apples / pears / frozen berries if budget tight.

Think about salad, toast, yoghurt, milk - agree she may be thirsty. Did she have lots of sweet fizzy drinks before? Is she hydrating enough without them? Could she drink tea - herbal, iced, fruit?

Is she bored and anxious - how does her free time look compared with before? Less distraction / screen time / company of kids her age. Is she filling time?

Make it about what is good for her and not your (understandably mixed) feelings about supporting her financially, and I hope you'll get buy in from her father and her. Pull the issues apart. It must be tough but it sounds as if you have already improved things in some ways. Good luck.

Leave her alone.

I don’t think it’s that much. My DC have fruit or veg with every meal and usually as snacks too so probably put away similar in a day. Eat well very fit and active.

If it’s comfort eating then that’s different but the priority then should be about helping her through change and less about spending money or Being resentful. She is a child.

I think you need to separate the cost from the nutritional aspect of it. It's not appropriate (or kind) to tell a 7 year old that what she's eating costs too much. Especially if she's just been moved out of her mother's home. But it is appropriate (and probably even comforting) to set some structure and boundaries around meals and snack times. (ie... times and amounts and varied diet).

Poor wee soul. She's only 7 and has a lifetime ahead of learning what things cost
For now, just buy cheaper fruit or ration the fruit she now has.

Is your DH looking for full time work? I voted YANBU because that's an absurd amount of fruit but I did think your first post sounded a bit evil step mum. Your second one reads much better and helps to understand the picture. It's nice that you're paying for play therapy etc and it's clear you care for this child. It's a bit of an unfair position you've been placed in.
I do think it's most likely comfort eating. It sounds like she was quite addicted to sugar when she arrived? This can take months to work through as a lot of sugary sweets are not just physically but psychologically addictive. Gives you a hit so fast. It's probably why she's eating so so much fruit. I was similar when I was in foster care as a teen. She will know she's eating lots of fruit and is probably hoping you're not noticing.
I would suggest getting cheaper fruit, lots of apples and also sweeter veg like carrots and peppers. I would personally do something like this:

Get two tupperware boxes. Say that you found a trick online in how to keep fruit and veg fresh for longer and you'd like to stay a bit more organized as you've got a bit of a baby brain ( sorry op, not necessarily this but something that takes blame away from her) and you want to make sure she has her snacks. So you have two tupperware boxes for her. You fill it with enough fruit and veg for that day and replenish with her daily. It'll give her a task to do. Have you done your carrots and fruit for tomorrow? Help her cut etc. It'll be a nice activity she has with you. Carrot sticks should be kept in water and fruit should have a tissue inside the tupperware. She can decorate the tupperware.
This will give her a safe portion that she knows is for her and no one can comment on. It'll also help alleviate her worries that she's eating too much and help control her snacking as this is often the age unhealthy coping mechanisms using food start. The tupperware is empty? You've got to wait till after dinner for more. It'll also allow you to introduce her to other veg that she might not normally try. Oh i picked up this, thought you might like to try it for your snack box.

Sorry this is so long. Sending you lots of love and patience OP. It's a tricky situation.

My son was like this until a few years ago. He's autistic I used to have to hide fruit from him. If I didn't he would fill up on it and refuse to eat his meals tipping his plate over. .

She might not have had much fruit on offer at her mum's so she's making up for it. But it's not good for they're teeth eating so much fruit. Sometimes they think they're hungry but just need to drink more.

Poor kid. Imagine being denied fruit in 2023. Why does your DH only work part-time?

I’m not sure how my post suggested she was being denied fruit. I think it’s pretty clear she has access to a lot of fruit.

It sounds to me like you resent her living with you. I can’t feel much compassion in your post. This is a little girl who has just lost her mum, moved house, had a baby sibling. All life changing things for a young child. Yes that’s too much fruit, but please make any changes kindly and slowly. I want to give her a big hug.

If she is with you indefinitely she is a family member/household member and the our food/her food needs to go.
it’s her home too.
but it is too much fruit for health and $$$ reasons. Maybe a banana with some peanut butter would hold her better as an after school snack. Peanut butter has protein and fat not just sugar. Apples and peanut butter are good too. Carrots or celery’s or other veg would also help, but it does sound like she is comfort eating and needs to eat her meals, not just unlimited snacks. Maybe you can get her dad to recognize the issue by focusing on health and habits not the damage she is doing to your budget, your good, etc.

This seems like such a good idea and very compassionate.

Maybe get her mother to contribute support, just the way a father's expected to. The mothers often get off far more lightly in situations like this.

Yes, this is a good point - sounds like nice fruit is still a bit of a novelty as she’s not used to it. We have neighbours whose kids come round and they guzzle almost entire punnets of berries without sharing with other kids as they don’t have them at home.

Co you have a word with her play therapist? She might be able to get to the route cause of why she's doing it.

Is this not how everyone eats fruit? We all smash through it as soon as it's in the house. It's feast or famine, raspberries need to be eaten asap. Just get apples carrots and cucumber in for everyday eating.

That's a ridiculous quantity of fruit for a child that age to be eating. There's four adults in our house and what you're buying would easily last us a week. Fruit may be considered 'healthy' but not in those quantities - she's getting far too much sugar in her diet and it will be bad for her teeth as well. Not to mention the fact that yes, she is being plain greedy.

Why isn't she asking before helping herself?

The parents should be in control of what and how much she eats at her age

For your dh, use the teeth angle. So much fruit is dreadful for her teeth. Its as bad as sweets for caysing fillings. There should be useful info online nhs dentists or YouTube etc. Milk and yogurt would be great alternatives to have as part of a varied diet with fruit too.

This is nothing to do with fruit and everything to do with learning to share and be considerate.

My dc at that age would have done similar, but we supervised them and taught them to see how much there was (of whatever it was) and ensure they always left some for everyone else.

It's a basic part of education.

OP I think the main reason you’re getting a hard time from some posters on here is that you’re step mum. Mumsnet seems to have an overwhelming hatred for step mums for some bizarre reason.

My experience is that a step mum can’t ever win but I think you’re entirely right on this - DSD is eating way too much fruit (esp from a teeth perspective) and it needs to be nipped in the bud. I would definitely limit the ‘nice’ fruit and perhaps offer the more ‘normal’ fruit eg apples/pears instead.

Overall the adults in the situation should be helping the child make healthy choices/eat healthy portion sizes. No 7 year old should have completely free rein over their diet.

I like the sound of this tupperware approach.

Positive attention, company, structure. Good post.

Your DH may have outdated ideas about fruit. When I was growing up the assumption was the more the better - though fruit was apples, oranges, bananas only most of the time. It's now recognised as healthy in moderation, and more expensive fruits are common. I'd shop around for good recommendations on child nutrition to share with your husband. And I can see why you might plan for him to stay PT and cover childcare. Hang in there.