Stepdaughter eating too much fruit

[Katey83]

My dsd, 7, moved in with us full
time back in January. Our situation is that I am higher earner and breadwinner on Mat leave with 5 month old baby, husband does some part time work that doesn’t bring in much (he runs our family vehicle and contributes towards household costs such as shopping etc). Dsd’s mother does not contribute towards her expenses while she is living here (indefinitely for now).

At the moment, we are on a tight budget due to my mat leave - and one thing driving me crazy is dsd eating all our fruit. We will buy a weekly shop with 2 bunches bananas, few punnets of berries, peaches, melon, grapes, tangerines etc and she will eat her way through the lot in two days. For example, yesterday she ate a punnet and a half of raspberries, three peaches, four tangerines, some grapes, a slice of melon and two bananas. This is on a school day (so she eats this at breakfast and in the evening). She is then obviously reluctant to finish a proper evening meal or try anything she dislikes. She also has had a couple of accidents with loose stools (imo this is from bingeing on fruit). She takes from the fridge without asking and leaves nothing for DH and I.

I’ve spoken to my dh about this and he says she is a growing child and at least fruit is good for her - fair enough I buy fruit partly for her to eat, but the amount seems greedy to me, and beyond what is necessary for a healthy child. I think reasonable is a small
bowl of berries and grapes along with a tangerine and banana after school as a snack and then one piece for dessert. She can also have melon and banana for breakfast along with cereal and a yoghurt. I want her to learn that food costs money, we don’t have a bottomless pit of it and you don’t just gorge on whatever you want because you are bored/tired/didn’t eat your dinner, you ration portions in a family so everyone gets a fair share, and sometimes eat less tasty things to maintain a healthy diet.

We provide substantial breakfast, lunch and dinner portions, and I try to accommodate her tastes (though she can’t just have fish fingers and strawberries as a diet, which would be her preference).When she first came to us she was also gorging like this on sweets - that’s been easier to nip in bud as dh can see how unhealthy it is. I want to handle this in a compassionate way, would I be unreasonable to stop buying fruit until dh agrees to a sensible ration for dsd?

OP I am sorry people have made you feel badly. That is too much fruit. Biological child or step child it is just a ridiculous amount of fruit. You are doing a good thing to limit and and put down some boundaries

Completely agree. This is about setting appropriate and healthy boundaries around food

You provide the food, and as long as it’s 3 healthy meals and filling/healthy snacks, it’s up to the child to eat an appropriate amount. This means not coaxing them to always eat every last bite, but also holding a boundary around how much fruit/“treat” items they have access to.

For what it’s worth, I’ve never done dessert or fruit after dinner. My children know that I’ll always cook a dinner they like, but if they don’t eat it, that’s it until supper time. Generally they eat most of their meals.

If I ate even half of the amount of fruit the OP’s SD is eating, my poor stomach would be in bits with wind pains 😂

Bless her - she’s only 7!
It sounds like to me she’s either starving (really hungry) and needs a better balance of carbs and proteins throughout her day to help keep her feeling full, or she’s eating it because of another reason.

She will also be at risk of having rotting teeth from all the fruit acid.

Maybe she has sugar addiction especially if she used to gorge on sweets.

Either way she needs loving boundaries set around this as it's not healthy to eat that much fruit and then not eat your dinner.

You're the adults and you need to take control!

Maybe bring dinner time forward if she's eating a lot in the afternoon after school.

Buy cheaper fruit.

ffs !

YANBU OP. That's so much sugar. From a quick google it's:

-punnet and a half of raspberries - 5g
-three peaches - 39g
-four tangerines - 44g
-two bananas - 24g
-Plus the melon and grapes - that's over 100g of sugar in one day just in fruit!

Well then you’d be fucked, @Kea90, seeing as the OP bank rolls him and his child…

It is however absolute nonsense that people should have 3 veg and 2 fruit. Fruit is far higher in antioxidants and better for us than veg. The sugars are obviously natural and not refined, they're therefore fine. It is only an issue for people with diabetes.

I was a stepdaughter who was made to feel I couldn't eat anything in the house and now I have a really bad relationship with food.
It's ok to say ok you can have this many snacks but please don't say she has to ask permission for food. It ends up you feeling like you can't even open the fridge in your own home.
She's a child and they do eat a lot. She's also only young. My four year old would eat and eat. So now we say that she has breakfast then can chose a snack before lunch then a snack after lunch then tea then after tea if she wants.
If she's always hungry maybe there's a health issue ie eating her feelings or something else. Remember this little girl is innocent and even if your the breadwinner your both responsible and you can't resent a child for eating. My concern is that already seems like you are resenting her and when your own child is born then will treat her different to your own which as a person this happened to it ruins you. I speak from experience love that little girl help her and talk to her discuss issues fairly and resolve them.

And getting a full time job, and paying rent, and managing school runs or paying for after school clubs, and cooking dinner for his daughter every night, and having 50% custody of his younger child...
Not going to happen. He knows on which side his bread is buttered. He has a good deal, and he knows it.

Firstly, some compassion for a small child wouldn’t go amiss. Calling her greedy doesn’t look good at all and is probably reflective of your attitude towards her. Perhaps, it is not surprising that there are some behavioural problems (although, I don’t think eating a healthy snack qualifies as such)
Secondly, I am not sure why you are outsourcing the parenting to your husband. Whether you like it or not, she is part of your family and you cannot rely on your partner to do the dirty work for you. Sit her down, ask her what’s going on, explain your reasoning, teach her boundaries. I have a stepdaughter who lives with us part time and I work hard every day to develop a relationship with her and be a good role model and a parent. Did I sign up for that? No. But her well-being and development comes before my ego and emotions so all the healthy boundaries are set with love and compassion as if she was my own child.
Maybe my take on your situation is different because I come from poverty and I was similarly forbidden from taking food from the fridge without asking. It led to many years of destructive behaviour and unhealthy relationship with food AND with my parents. So be an adult - buy cheaper fruits, support her emotionally, show some care and, please, stop using judgemental language

I think you need to look at the deeper issue here, what has she been through? How has she come to live with you full time? Does she still see her mum? Will she ever see her again? I'm not asking these questions to get answers, just for you to reflect on yourself. Obviously I don't know the deeper issue here. She is obviously living with you because it is better and safer for her to do so, but maybe she doesn't see it that way entirely. Maybe she misses her mum. At 7 years old we begin to form lasting bonds and it sounds like she may have been through more than a 7 year old should have to. Perhaps she's comfort eating. Can you try and ask her how she feels when she reaches for the fridge, and reassure her. Let her know that you are there for her to talk to, or a shoulder to cry on when she needs it. Tell her you hear her and you are there for her, let her know she doesn't have to go through her feelings alone. Set boundaries by all means but think about the deeper issue at play here. What may seem trivial to you may be too confusing for her to grasp.

Maybe interrogate what’s really annoying you here.

Outsourcing parenting to the actual parent?! The horror!
😂

On the face of it, this post is about your dsd eating too much fruit but I can see that it's really about resentment OP. I totally understand that. You are working, supporting the entire family, shouldering the bulk of the physical and emotional workload and getting inadequate support from the person who is supposed to be your partner. Having a young baby in the house is hard enough but even more so when you have to support somebody else's child as well. It sounds like you have done and are doing as much as you can to help your dsd too. I think it may be time for you and your partner to sit down when you're both calm and not distracted. Have a talk what you both need from each other and what you think you need to do going forward so that you are not feeling so overwhelmed by the 'mental load'. I hope you can but, if you can't, please know that you are seen.

Whilst it may be a pain to do, could you do a weekly shop minus the fruit and but fresh fruit every couple of days? That would ration her without deny it, but only gives her a set amount to have over a couple of days.

Every morning agree with your SD what fruit she wants that day, within reason. Let her select it and put into a fridge storage box. Explain to her your reasoning, and that it is important she can be trusted to just eat the fruit in her box. Also establish a rule that after school/before dinner she just has 2 pieces of fruit, as long as she then goes on to eat her meal.

When she first came to us she was also gorging like this on sweets - that’s been easier to nip in bud

500 posts in, I hope I've missed the one that picked up on this!

Young child has to leave mother's home to live with Dad & stepmum, who is naturally besotted with her own baby. Fairly natural she would show some maladaptive behaviours, and actually quite lucky she's landed on comfort eating.

Good to hear she's in therapy, @Katey83 (if you're still here!) Depending on her therapist's input, I'd say it's probably great that you've managed to get her to change to a less self-harming habit and too soon to start restricting the fruit as well.

Adding carrots, baby tomatoes, etc, into the mix is a sound idea. Good luck!

I didn't think about it like that, but you are totally correct. He has it very cushy right now, and I doubt he could handle being the main breadwinner, chef, chauffeur and cleaner all on his own.