Stepdaughter eating too much fruit

[Katey83]

My dsd, 7, moved in with us full
time back in January. Our situation is that I am higher earner and breadwinner on Mat leave with 5 month old baby, husband does some part time work that doesn’t bring in much (he runs our family vehicle and contributes towards household costs such as shopping etc). Dsd’s mother does not contribute towards her expenses while she is living here (indefinitely for now).

At the moment, we are on a tight budget due to my mat leave - and one thing driving me crazy is dsd eating all our fruit. We will buy a weekly shop with 2 bunches bananas, few punnets of berries, peaches, melon, grapes, tangerines etc and she will eat her way through the lot in two days. For example, yesterday she ate a punnet and a half of raspberries, three peaches, four tangerines, some grapes, a slice of melon and two bananas. This is on a school day (so she eats this at breakfast and in the evening). She is then obviously reluctant to finish a proper evening meal or try anything she dislikes. She also has had a couple of accidents with loose stools (imo this is from bingeing on fruit). She takes from the fridge without asking and leaves nothing for DH and I.

I’ve spoken to my dh about this and he says she is a growing child and at least fruit is good for her - fair enough I buy fruit partly for her to eat, but the amount seems greedy to me, and beyond what is necessary for a healthy child. I think reasonable is a small
bowl of berries and grapes along with a tangerine and banana after school as a snack and then one piece for dessert. She can also have melon and banana for breakfast along with cereal and a yoghurt. I want her to learn that food costs money, we don’t have a bottomless pit of it and you don’t just gorge on whatever you want because you are bored/tired/didn’t eat your dinner, you ration portions in a family so everyone gets a fair share, and sometimes eat less tasty things to maintain a healthy diet.

We provide substantial breakfast, lunch and dinner portions, and I try to accommodate her tastes (though she can’t just have fish fingers and strawberries as a diet, which would be her preference).When she first came to us she was also gorging like this on sweets - that’s been easier to nip in bud as dh can see how unhealthy it is. I want to handle this in a compassionate way, would I be unreasonable to stop buying fruit until dh agrees to a sensible ration for dsd?

Split the finances. Once he has to pay for his dd I imagine he will stop her eating everything.

I am not sure why you are outsourcing the parenting to your husband

Because she's his child?

Here is my suggestion.
Go to smiggle (7 year old girls dream) and let her pick one of their bento boxes.
There are lots of different sections, fill it with fruit for the day, even let her be involved with filling it. Explain that is her fruit for the day.
My daughter loves her smiggle bento box and I’ve used it to vary her snacks (and in my case get her to eat more fruit!).
As others have said apples/ carrot stick and be a good, cost effective bulking item

I think your DH and maybe you too need to sit down with DSD and tell her house rules as it's not acceptable to eat that much fruit in one day really not healthy and not fair on everyone else in the house she is 7 so she can understand that and if she struggles with it the allocated snack box idea does sound good so she knows her quota for the day,

sounds like your a great caring step mum so I can't understand the other posters saying otherwise as yes she will be having a tough time emotionally at the moment but doesn't mean you have to let her continue an unhealthy habit that impacts you all as a family there are other ways to support her emotionally and sounds like you do that already

Hi @Katey83

I agree that all this fruit is likely to give her more frequent bowel movements. Start by cutting out the grapes which are known for this.

You are lucky that she likes fruit so much. That is good. But there is no way that I would let my DC eat that amount of the fruit you mention, primarily due to the cost and the environmental impact of all of these fruits. Of the "raspberries, three peaches, four tangerines, some grapes, a slice of melon and two bananas" she ate yesterday I'll happily bet that not one was grown in the UK. She needs to learn this and understand the impact of air miles.

I would just stop the weekly fruit shop with the exception of apples and a couple of more exotic fruits so that DSD doesn't feel too upset, and put them in the fridge. Keep bananas too as they tend to harden stools and will help fill her up if she's hungry. See how that works out for a couple of weeks. If you can move her onto apples as a main fruit that is going to be much cheaper and more sustainable in the long run.

For snacks have you tried carrot sticks (and maybe humous)? Similar taste but much cheaper

Of course not, and replies you'd get if it wasn't a step child would be different too!....you're expected to love them as your own but if you get frustrated or say no you're wicked Stepmum ... despite your own children making you feel same too

Yes that’s too much fruit and a lot of sugar. Fruit is good for you but not that much and that often and bad for teeth too.
I’d buy less fruit so it’s not a temptation and more snacks like carrot sticks, crackers and cheese (dairy Lea/laughing cow triangles or baby bells), hummus, bread sticks.
calling a 7 year old greedy is not very nice though and she is likely to be stressed at the moment so have some patience.

Firstly, some compassion for a small child wouldn’t go amiss.

This really takes the piss. All OP is doing is showing compassion. She’s worried about what DSD’s diet is doing to her, something her dad doesn’t seem to care about. Too much fruit is giving her an upset stomach and will be ruining her teeth. OP has been letting her do it anyway because she knows it’s more complicated than the actual fruit but she’s rightly concerned and now looking to make changes. She’s also paying for and arranging therapy for her.

Neither of her parents is actually looking after her, no, that’s being done by OP who also had a baby a few months ago and is supporting the family’s finances as well. See how compassionate you’d feel in the same situation, because you admit how much effort you have to make on your own relationship with a part time step child without the additional responsibilities OP has.

When the fruit arrives chop it and ration it into 7 tubs and label them with days freeze them then just take one out of the freezer the night before

I feel for you. Yes I can imagine it'd putting a lot of pressure on you money wise plus also you've just had your first baby so that in itself will be hard. I hope someone is supporting you.

Having a conversation about this is really important, she's having too much. Lay down some rules but let her have a say too. Explain that the quantities are too much, it costs a lot of money and when u go back to work you'll have childcare costs. And it is unhealthy as its not balanced, she'll have bad teeth. One of the rules could be she has to eat a proper breakfast, lunch, dinner then she can pick all the fruit in between but from a set quantity.

It sounds like she may be anxious so she'll need tlc.
X

That was a really unkind post. especially the comment about stinginess.

Did you read the OP's comments? She is on mat leave and they are finding the finances difficult. So yes, cost matters and many people have suggested changing the bulk of the fruit for apples/carrots

It's not just a bit of extra fruit - the child is eating a lot of non-seasonal (i.e. expensive and well-travelled) fruit.

My son at this age which was during lockdown was very similar. We instead of allowing him to eat all the fruit within sight, used to make it a fun creative task of making a suitable sized fruit bowl, getting him involved with cutting and presentation which he loved. Our children when smaller had their set meals each day then anything in between snack wise would have to be requested, I don’t think we really imbedded this into them but they just used to ask which was good as it stopped them eating crap.

I've been in a similar situation. Not fruit and not living with us full time. I was on mat leave last year, the breadwinner and still paying off credit card bills. You definitely notice it when you're on mat pay.
The snacks she liked were getting more expensive and she would eat all of them meaning she wouldn't eat a proper meal. I reduced how much I was buying and she eats proper food more. I'd suggest create her own container for her fruit and one for you for the week but also put your foot down and say she needs to eat proper meals. You need to let dh know so he doesn't let her continue to help herself. I know she's been through a lot but she is in your care now and needs proper guidance and structure which she may not have had before.

What an absolutely horrible post. She's asking for an opinion and you've attacked her.

She's just had a baby herself.

Your response says a lot about you and it's not nice.

This is in response to limepie post!

And he only works part time. And the OP has a new baby.

Buy less fruit? If it’s not there she can’t finish it all off.

I clicked yes you are being unreasonable because I think not buying fruit at all is
an unreasonable reaction.

However putting limits on snacks is not unreasonable even if it is fruit. Maybe you could let her choose her own little lunch box or fruit bowl and fill it with the snacks she is allowed to eat for the day, and once they are gone they are gone. Also putting everything else out of sight, out of mind. At this age impulse control Is still developing so she could be eating out of impulse when seeing the fruit. Good luck.

Your SD is 7 do you even know if she understands the issue ? Did you even think about her before going on off a rant here and calling her greedy? GREEDY? Really? She's going through so much change perhaps be more empathetic.

Why? She's living with her dad. What's the difference? I lived with my dad st that age and made not a shred of difference

But you must have missed your mum? Unless there was some very complex emotional or physiological issues at play?

it seems incredibly emotionally unaware to question why 7 year old who moved out of her mums house just five months ago would miss her mum.

At first I thought you were being a dick. Then I read the amount of fruit and your considered responses. You are spot on in all you have said. Restrict acces and get DH on side. Carrot sticks and cucumber will be way better than all the fructose. YANBU in any way shape or form. Tou sound like a well rounded empathetic step mother/new mother doing a damn good job.

Although you mention compassion in your original post it doesn’t come across that you have much compassion for your dsd. It comes across as you taking out your resentment for your other half’s lack of earning on her. She needs clear guidelines around the fruit issue but is a young child going through lots of disruption and changes, the last thing she needs is your resentment.

Sounds like comfort eating, but is definitely too much fruit. If she haw cut down on gorging on sweets, they may be a replacement for her. Fruit is high in sugar still and bad for the teeth, but if she doesn't have it available at her mums house, she might gorge on it because it hasn't been available before and feels like a luxury.