Stepdaughter eating too much fruit

[Katey83]

My dsd, 7, moved in with us full
time back in January. Our situation is that I am higher earner and breadwinner on Mat leave with 5 month old baby, husband does some part time work that doesn’t bring in much (he runs our family vehicle and contributes towards household costs such as shopping etc). Dsd’s mother does not contribute towards her expenses while she is living here (indefinitely for now).

At the moment, we are on a tight budget due to my mat leave - and one thing driving me crazy is dsd eating all our fruit. We will buy a weekly shop with 2 bunches bananas, few punnets of berries, peaches, melon, grapes, tangerines etc and she will eat her way through the lot in two days. For example, yesterday she ate a punnet and a half of raspberries, three peaches, four tangerines, some grapes, a slice of melon and two bananas. This is on a school day (so she eats this at breakfast and in the evening). She is then obviously reluctant to finish a proper evening meal or try anything she dislikes. She also has had a couple of accidents with loose stools (imo this is from bingeing on fruit). She takes from the fridge without asking and leaves nothing for DH and I.

I’ve spoken to my dh about this and he says she is a growing child and at least fruit is good for her - fair enough I buy fruit partly for her to eat, but the amount seems greedy to me, and beyond what is necessary for a healthy child. I think reasonable is a small
bowl of berries and grapes along with a tangerine and banana after school as a snack and then one piece for dessert. She can also have melon and banana for breakfast along with cereal and a yoghurt. I want her to learn that food costs money, we don’t have a bottomless pit of it and you don’t just gorge on whatever you want because you are bored/tired/didn’t eat your dinner, you ration portions in a family so everyone gets a fair share, and sometimes eat less tasty things to maintain a healthy diet.

We provide substantial breakfast, lunch and dinner portions, and I try to accommodate her tastes (though she can’t just have fish fingers and strawberries as a diet, which would be her preference).When she first came to us she was also gorging like this on sweets - that’s been easier to nip in bud as dh can see how unhealthy it is. I want to handle this in a compassionate way, would I be unreasonable to stop buying fruit until dh agrees to a sensible ration for dsd?

katey83 is she drinking much? I crave fruit when I’m actually dehydrated. Also there are episodes when I would reach out for anything handy and easy to just eat without fuss if there was a bowl of chocolate or sweets or nuts, whatever appears in abundance unless it’s out of sight/easy reach so you could help her by offering alternatives, distractions (maybe routine of board games), and keeping just a daily amount readily available or even say bought you this fruit today as I know you love it .

Let them eat fruit.

She's so little. My kids aren't allowed to help themselves, they always ask first. We also have the rule if you've had that today then you don't get a second one. A banana, a bag of crisps, an apple etc. They always ask first. Two pieces of fruit a day is plenty otherwise their teeth will be absolutely shot! Veg sticks, crackers, etc and a good expectation of eating their three meals a day and not replacing it with snacks.

If either of you smoke or drink alcohol on a regular basis, YABU.

If not, perhaps you need to look at a twice weekly shop for fruit and veg.

Gosh, @Katey83 you've had a hard time on this thread. Your OP shows how thoughtful and care-full you are being.

Your DSD's mother is clearly culpable here - indulging her DD and then giving up any financial (or it seems, parental) responsibility for her. Well done to you & your DH in giving her a secure home, where you actually care about her health!

A pragmatic practical suggestion for berries - get yourself to Iceland, and buy frozen berries. Not so good to eat straightaway, but they are wonderful in yoghurt - semi-thawed in thick Greek yoghurt, they're like ice cream.

And maybe buy fruit daily, and make it clear that it's to be shared. Show her how her portion of shared household food looks. At 7, she's just about old enough to know about fairness and sharing. Also about 'sensible food' first, then fruit as pudding.

But your situation sounds tough, and maybe your DH needs to step up more? It sounds as though he's on eggshells with his own DD, in terms of her adaptation to changing households completely. Does she see her mother at all?

I hope your DH is pulling his weight with both his children and the household. It sounds as though you've individually taken on an inordinately difficult load - new baby, new DSD, and together you need your DH to be on your side about his DD's eating.

OP is not the bad guy. She's footing the bill here. DH needs to get a proper job and start parenting. Poor girl has little support from her biological parents.

YANBU. This is why I don't let my DD help herself to food, she has to ask first. It is totally reasonable to have limits.

Your DH needs to respect your opinion more given you're the bread winner, the one on mat leave, and have taken on his child with 0 child support. Or he needs to get a better paid job if he wants her to be able to eat more than is affordable.

What I got from "greedy" is OP saying, with all the other food and meals served, she would not expect DD to be hungry. Not a great word choice but for our info.

Can you eat too much fruit? If it's upsetting your stomach, yes. If it's damaging your teeth, yes. If it's bringing your calorie intake too high, yes. I wouldn't calorie count with children, but it's worth knowing an approximate intake for anything they are eating in great volume.

Fruit's not magic. It's nice but you can't live on it, and making it 2/3 of your child's diet would be an unusual choice. Could be the best available solution to sensory issues or food refusal. But you would not start by assuming these are the issues when a child has a history of binge eating sugar.

If not, perhaps you need to look at a twice weekly shop for fruit and veg.*

Or, they could set some home rules regarding food and sort it that way.

Who wants to schlep to the shops twice a week? Especially with a baby in tow.

Can't believe people are defending this insane amount of fruit consumption purely because she's a stepchild.
This amount of fruit is not good for anyone! No wonder she has a bad belly.

Costs wise my DD eats a lot of fruit but has a bit of a stone fruits allergy unfortunately including apples. Frozen fruit is a lot cheaper for berries / mango.

Portions wise - could you gently explain that she can't just eat all the fruit because you buy it to last a few days for the whole family so it's unfair if it's all gone - so to get her into good habits you will put her fruit into a Tupperware (whatever) in the fridge and that's her portion for the day to be eaten as snacks and you will give her fruit for breakfast / dinner as well. You could do it for all of you so she doesn't feel singled out. Either that or say she needs to ask for snacks not help herself.

I understand it's a delicate situation but even friends of mine who have adopted children with difficult backgrounds say that treating them exactly the same as the rest of the family is the best way. Including family rules. As long as it doesn't appear she is being treated differently I think it's fine to set boundaries.

I also have the same issue with step daughter who is 8.

I wouldn’t mind, but like you my concern is the cost and when It come to making my two children their lunches there will be absolutely nothing left.

The last straw was when she ate 6 satsumas, 4 bananas, a punnet of strawberries and 3 pears in a day. She would take it upstairs without anybody seeing so we were unaware.

I have now bought a small plastic basket and at the beginning of the day, fill it up with fruit and snacks and let her help herself. She knows when everything is gone from the basket, that is it. This has been very effective and she now even eats her diner!

The cost shouldn't really matter for food, don't have kids if you can't afford to feed them

It might be more appropriate to address this nasty comment to the child's actual mother who has seemingly abdicated any responsibility for the kid she had, @Jemandthehologramsunite not the child's stepmother, who has actually stepped up to care for her DH's child, and shows compassion & concern about how best to nurture another woman's child.

Her DF needs to stop this as it is too expensive and very bad for her teeth.

Hide it. Fruit doesn't need to be kept in the fridge.

Putting aside everything else.

She needs to ask before she takes any food at all. She's a child of course she should not just be taking food to eat.

If it's not a meal or snack time then the answer is no.

I haven’t RTFT but of course she is being is greedy as well as damaging her health with this much sugar consumption. It’s up to your DH to sort this out ASAP. Letting her carry on like this is frankly child abuse. Does he even take her to the dentist?

Is this sarcasm?

Ffs, it’s astounding how mn posters go to make every stepmother the bad guy in the situation!

@Katey83 is paying for this whole shebang and now has a stepchild she’s paying for who is taking the piss and neither of her actual parents are either providing for her or stepping up to actually parent.

@Katey83 you do have power in this. Use it. We can see you’re kind, but make sure they all know you’re not a pushover

It was the use of the word 'greedy' and the focus on the financial issue rather than the emotional issues that put me off.

@Katey83
Whatever you decide to do around this issue, the best advice I can give you is to ensure DSD retains an element of control over her day to day life with you. Have rules by all means and those rules can be around budgeting and resources whether, power, food or simply time.

But let her retain some choices, or a life- threatening demon could be released in the next couple of years that you would never ever wish for.

Bore off. You expect her to spend spend £45 a week on fruit alone lest she be the SM from hell? You are hilarious. Jealous of your ex's new partner by any chance?

@DrySherry get a grip

Fruit is fucking expensive. She’s on mat leave & maternity pay is appalling, you get absolutely nothing. And to add it’s not even her kid, the mother should be contributing to this ridiculous amount of fruit she’s consuming. You sound like a dickhead.