Stepdaughter eating too much fruit

[Katey83]

My dsd, 7, moved in with us full
time back in January. Our situation is that I am higher earner and breadwinner on Mat leave with 5 month old baby, husband does some part time work that doesn’t bring in much (he runs our family vehicle and contributes towards household costs such as shopping etc). Dsd’s mother does not contribute towards her expenses while she is living here (indefinitely for now).

At the moment, we are on a tight budget due to my mat leave - and one thing driving me crazy is dsd eating all our fruit. We will buy a weekly shop with 2 bunches bananas, few punnets of berries, peaches, melon, grapes, tangerines etc and she will eat her way through the lot in two days. For example, yesterday she ate a punnet and a half of raspberries, three peaches, four tangerines, some grapes, a slice of melon and two bananas. This is on a school day (so she eats this at breakfast and in the evening). She is then obviously reluctant to finish a proper evening meal or try anything she dislikes. She also has had a couple of accidents with loose stools (imo this is from bingeing on fruit). She takes from the fridge without asking and leaves nothing for DH and I.

I’ve spoken to my dh about this and he says she is a growing child and at least fruit is good for her - fair enough I buy fruit partly for her to eat, but the amount seems greedy to me, and beyond what is necessary for a healthy child. I think reasonable is a small
bowl of berries and grapes along with a tangerine and banana after school as a snack and then one piece for dessert. She can also have melon and banana for breakfast along with cereal and a yoghurt. I want her to learn that food costs money, we don’t have a bottomless pit of it and you don’t just gorge on whatever you want because you are bored/tired/didn’t eat your dinner, you ration portions in a family so everyone gets a fair share, and sometimes eat less tasty things to maintain a healthy diet.

We provide substantial breakfast, lunch and dinner portions, and I try to accommodate her tastes (though she can’t just have fish fingers and strawberries as a diet, which would be her preference).When she first came to us she was also gorging like this on sweets - that’s been easier to nip in bud as dh can see how unhealthy it is. I want to handle this in a compassionate way, would I be unreasonable to stop buying fruit until dh agrees to a sensible ration for dsd?

Thst is a ridiculous amount. Get a countainer and put her fruit in it and that is what she's allowed. If she eats it all no more until the next dhopping day. The other fruit is for the rest of the family. She is old enough to be told fruit is expensive.

Not at all, the op seems to be more focused on the cost of the child's fruit consumption than anything else appart from the odd veiled concern of greed. Yet claims to be a high earner. I will say again- that in my opinion if they have financial issues then a child's fruit consumption is not the place to start sorting it out.

For someone who wishes to be compassionate your phrasing shows your anger, gorging? Greedy? It’s fruit.

Exactly this

@Katey83 your attitude is awful. Internet strangers who don't know you are telling you there is more going on and you aren't reacting properly.

There is either a physical or mental reason this poor child is binge eating the fruit.

Instead of being annoyed by it, you should be discussing with her Dad how to identify the underlying real issue and help her.

You could also buy in other types of snacks to deflect her interest in the fruit like granola bars etc.

Stop resenting her and start helping her. She came as a bundle deal with her Dad.

Seven is very young to be helping herself. She ought to be asking an adult before she eats something. And yes, her father should get a proper job and support his offspring.

greedy
/ˈɡriːdi/

adjective

1. having an excessive desire or appetite for food

the kid is eating WAY more fruit than is normal or healthy.

Your quote is incorrect

OP says she is the ''higher earner'' compared to her DH

Not that she is a ''high earner'' which is different

I'd stop buying it. And be very clear why with her and your DH. Let him purchase her unlimited fruit if he wants to. But when you're providing the family budget, they don't get to be the decision makers here. It's wasteful and it's not good for her teeth.

However I would keep an eye on her eating. She sounds like she's had a lot of change lately and it can't be easy sharing Dad with a new baby.

Someone can be a high earner and not be able to afford an excessive amount of fruit, and/or not want to waste money on it. OP is paying for play therapy, quite strange for someone who doesn't care. Perhaps her mother should be contributing financially, goodness know if it was a man there'd be outrage. Or maybe her partner could consider the financial effect on the household of now having another person there full time- especially as OP is on maternity leave and still footing the majority of the household spending it seems and work more hours.

To be fair, she said she was the higher earner, not a high earner, as her husband is effectively all but unemployed, to be the higher earner and breadwinner is not difficult, and in no way indicates she’s a high earner.

Out of touch much. Lots of people don't have the budget for a Starbucks a day. It's perfectly normal and common to not be able to afford a fiver a day on snacks for one person.

OP, please be gentle and loving towards you DSD. You may need to tackle the issue but do it carefully and very gently. Please don't resent her, even in your mind. I had a stepmother who expressed her resentment (I acknowledge you say you don't but how we feel often has a way of expressing itself in our behaviours) at me eating too much at her house when I was 7. And my half brother made similar comments later on about me "being at their (my dad's!) house on full board" when I stayed there for a few weeks. She is a child going through difficult stuff. You have taken her on as your own when you got together with her dad.

OP doesn't claim to be a high earner - get it right FGS

Your right I miss read that. Apologies to the OP.

Stop resenting her and start helping her. She came as a bundle deal with her Dad.

Surely her dad should be at the forefront of helping his daughter. As is and he doesn't seem to be worried about finances and wants an easy life he isn't. Why is it OPs responsibility to just put up with it? Also seems the parameters have changed, its very different having a step child and having them with you half the time to moving in full time with zero support from their other parent.

Establish a routine for eating, so meal times and snack times and make a sensible decision about what a snack looks like eg a couple of oatcakes and a piece of fruit after school, or a piece of toast and a handful of berries mid morning. Eating outside of this is discouraged or it's a raw carrot or stick of celery if need be. Set a limit on maximum amount of fruit a day, maybe three pieces a day.

Have you talked to DSD about nutrition? There are lots of books out there that explain how it all works and why we need the right balance of things. You could try gently talking about how things that are high in sugar make us have a bit of a rush and that might be nice for her if she's feeling sad, you know it's hard to adjust to the move, but sad feelings can be dealt with through a cuddle, drawing a picture, cosying up with a book etc instead of sweet things.

In the grand scheme of things, a traumatised stepchild eating slightly too much fruit is really not the worst case scenario! With a new baby it must be hard for you as well.

I would say it sounds like you buy quite a lot of exotic fruit, no judgment for that but you might find you would have changed your habits over time anyway as your baby grows up - I don't know many families where a bowl of grapes or peaches on full show wouldn't be immediately found by little hands.

In our house (6 and 3yo) we have apples, satsumas, bananas and maybe pears that are visible to kids and they can have after meals or with snacks. More exotic things like mango, pineapple, grapes etc are more of a treat and tend to be kept for parties or served up as pudding after a meal every now and again. I wouldn't just leave them out and expect the kids to show self control.

You're doing a really good thing providing a home for DSD at the same time as adapting to having a baby, I hope it goes well for you.

The fruit is a red herring. She’s comfort eating at that level of consumption. Like you say if it wasn’t fruit it would be something else. If it wasn’t comfort eating it would be something else most likely. More support needed and more time spent with her. How is she even getting into the fridge and helping herself that many times? Is she making her own breakfast?

1. Dad needs to find some better paying or longer hrs work to fill your financial gap.
2. We are fine money wise and I absolutely DO NOT buy all that fruit and certainly not those types. Berries are lower in sugar so OK - but portion them out and be clear with her what she is allowed, store the rest at the top of a tall fridge.
3. I would give her a snack after school that is more varied than just fruit, but then no open access to fruit until after dinner, or maybe a slice of melon as a starter just before dinner to be served, I can remember loving that as a child.
4. look at what time you are serving dinner - anything after 5.30 for a child is too late really unless you live in the Med

I realise this means in the short term you may not have all the fruit you want available but I would just stop buying "hot house" fruit and stick to local stuff, apples, pears etc They are a less intense sugar hit. Maybe introduce eating apple and cheese together.

We eat at 7pm since lockdown so we can all eat together. Works much better than 5:30 when I was finding I was cooking again at 8pm when the kids were in bed. Works fine.

Can you tackle it differently with your dp and say it’s not healthy for her to just have fruit at the expense of meals rather than discuss the financial side. And mention the accidents as that can’t be very nice for DSD. Fruit has a lot of sugar/carbs but not the fat and protein a growing child needs.

maybe create a daily DSD snack box containing stuff she can have and more variety. Include carrot sticks, some fruit, cheese, breadsticks etc. just a more balanced selection.

you could also just buy cheaper or less nice fruit for a bit eg apples, bananas, satsumas rather than soft fruit and berries. Save the nice fruit for a treat pudding that you buy and all have so you all get a share?

Do you give her cuddles and kisses, read stories, talk to her etc? My experience is that children tend to self-comfort through overeating to compensate for lack of affection in her life. It sounds worrying that your main concern in the situ is the cost of what she is eating.

@PurpleWisteria1 7pm is fine for slightly older kids - I would say 11 onward (but it depends on the child), but for smalls they need regular input and if you think lunch at 12.30, 6.5hrs with no snacks is too long - even with a snack its no wonder they don't feel like eating and straight to bed. Cooking twice is the norm with small children, time consuming but children are.

My DD has fruit for breakfast everyday. She will have a bowl of blueberries, about 10 grapes and one or two satsumas. She is extremely active and a slender little thing (only 4).And then after school / dinner she will have something like watermelon or an apple (along with yoghurt most days). I feel like that is quite a lot of fruit. The amount you mention seems like a massive amount.

Agree with this. This would seriously piss me off too. She needs to ask before taking food.