Stepdaughter eating too much fruit

[Katey83]

My dsd, 7, moved in with us full
time back in January. Our situation is that I am higher earner and breadwinner on Mat leave with 5 month old baby, husband does some part time work that doesn’t bring in much (he runs our family vehicle and contributes towards household costs such as shopping etc). Dsd’s mother does not contribute towards her expenses while she is living here (indefinitely for now).

At the moment, we are on a tight budget due to my mat leave - and one thing driving me crazy is dsd eating all our fruit. We will buy a weekly shop with 2 bunches bananas, few punnets of berries, peaches, melon, grapes, tangerines etc and she will eat her way through the lot in two days. For example, yesterday she ate a punnet and a half of raspberries, three peaches, four tangerines, some grapes, a slice of melon and two bananas. This is on a school day (so she eats this at breakfast and in the evening). She is then obviously reluctant to finish a proper evening meal or try anything she dislikes. She also has had a couple of accidents with loose stools (imo this is from bingeing on fruit). She takes from the fridge without asking and leaves nothing for DH and I.

I’ve spoken to my dh about this and he says she is a growing child and at least fruit is good for her - fair enough I buy fruit partly for her to eat, but the amount seems greedy to me, and beyond what is necessary for a healthy child. I think reasonable is a small
bowl of berries and grapes along with a tangerine and banana after school as a snack and then one piece for dessert. She can also have melon and banana for breakfast along with cereal and a yoghurt. I want her to learn that food costs money, we don’t have a bottomless pit of it and you don’t just gorge on whatever you want because you are bored/tired/didn’t eat your dinner, you ration portions in a family so everyone gets a fair share, and sometimes eat less tasty things to maintain a healthy diet.

We provide substantial breakfast, lunch and dinner portions, and I try to accommodate her tastes (though she can’t just have fish fingers and strawberries as a diet, which would be her preference).When she first came to us she was also gorging like this on sweets - that’s been easier to nip in bud as dh can see how unhealthy it is. I want to handle this in a compassionate way, would I be unreasonable to stop buying fruit until dh agrees to a sensible ration for dsd?

I agree with you. OP is not the ‘evil step mother’ that some people in this thread are screaming. OP is the sole provider of a child who isn’t even hers. This little girl has 2 parents and neither of them are OP. However, OP pays all the bills for the house, she pays for the food shopping… she’s even paying for therapy! I imagine she’s also paying for clothes, toys, days out etc.

OP’s husband needs to get a grip and get a full time job, not an odd job here and there. He also needs to apply for child support.

I never have this amount of fruit at home, it seems very expensive. I have one, tops two kinds of fruit. Mostly apples. I only buy berries when they are on sale as a treat. Stop buying that much expensive fruit and your problem will be solved.

There really is no health issue with eating as much fruit as you want other than an upset tummy.

Well surely that's the health issue isn't it?

It's not a health problem. Balanced (and interesting) article below that explains why.

https://www.google.com/amp/s/time.com/5301984/can-you-eat-too-much-fruit/%3famp=true

It's fine if it's WHOLE fruit and not a smoothie or dried fruit. Sugar in fruit isn't the same as refined sugar.

This is mad OP, I'd definitely stop buying so much fruit. It's not like anybody else gets any anyway!

Yeah it's the whole fruit no smoothies or juice. But she does get tummy aches

I put YABU because you can speak to her yourself and set a boundary that there is no helping yourself to everything all the time and you have to ask before you take it.

Or perhaps get a box to put in the fridge and say, this you can have. If it’s in this box you can help yourself, if it’s not in that box you can’t.

you’re funding this house ffs, so don’t just let stuff drift. It’s not about lording anything, but you’re the one facilitating everything, and it’s being taken for granted

tell your h what the rules are, that he’s expected to support them and if not, you’ll stop buying so much.

My oh has no problem setting boundaries in the household with my ds. My oh is finding most of it, he does get to say what’s consumed and by whom and on what terms

by some quirk, we have a useless under counter built in fridge and a full height plug in fridge. Ds has the built in to himself - if it’s not in there it’s not his. And yes he too had to be educated not to just go roaming and rummaging and eating everything. We have to teach our kids and those kids in our lives to think of others, to respect the things they have access to.

*Funding not finding

Leave her 3 bits of fruit for her to eat at the beginning of the day. Hide the rest

Tell her money is tight. And fruit is everyone.

Dinner is served at 6. If she hungry then come and eat. The end

And fruit is healthy yes. But that much isn't
Not for your teeth. Bloodsugar. And for #2

Better to set boundaries and be clear about them than to hide things

Poor wee soul - must be a lot of changes for her and she needs guided. Its not healthy behaviour to binge on fruit so much and needs to be tackled gently. Theres a lot of reasons why she could be doing this covered in the thread - which only you and her father realistically can answer.
Is it a reaction to previous control, scarcity or food insecurity? is it a compulsion? is it sensory/self soothing? is it boredom and mindless eating? is it cravings because of unmet needs in the diet? is it because of lack of attention? is it looking for a place of security/establishing that its her home/trying to work out the rules after such a huge change? Both of you should be involved in tackling it, but her dad really needs to step up to the plate and pay some attention to his daughter and whats driving this behavior.

There's some great ideas about the snack boxes and having access to portions of healthy snacks, involving her in shopping and prep, and giving her some control/security over things. Less expensive fruit available, and savoury/veg based rather than fruit but more snacks with protein - nuts, cheese, peanut butter. No locks on fridges or disapproval/harsh rules but positive alternatives.

You could make eating the nicest fruit dessert - get her to help you or her dad cut up/arrange a sharing platter which gets eaten after your main meal, and shared between everyone. So she gets to eat the fruit she likes and enjoy it, but after her main meal.
But more importantly she gets positive attention and time with a parent prepping the food, gets some age appropriate responsibility, masters some skills, and eats her fruit as part of a the social experience of sitting together as part of the family, getting attention rather than snacking alone. Its a good place to model and positively reinforce sharing behavior. Lots of praise and appreciation from both you and her dad for 'making dessert'. Also teaches self control and delayed gratification in waiting for the treat. Might also be a nice idea as your baby moves more on to finger foods and can join in the sharing as well.
We used to do this at a point in our life when money was tight/fancy fruit less available and it had so many small positive benefits, as well as allowing me to make sure everyone in the house was getting some of the best fresh fruit and it wasn't being hogged by the fruit bats/older children.

Petty

When she first came to us she was also gorging like this on sweets - that’s been easier to nip in bud as dh can see how unhealthy it is. I want to handle this in a compassionate way, would I be unreasonable to stop buying fruit until dh agrees to a sensible ration for dsd?

YABVU

You say that she gorged on sweets when she first came and so she obviously has a bit of an eating disorder.
Its great that she’s gone from that to now fruit.

The absolute worst thing you can do to someone who gorges or binges is to restrict their food.

If she went from living with her mum to living with her dad full time then it’s possible proper eating habits or nutrition weren’t as good as they could be.

I wouldn’t stop buying fruit but I would focus on the cheaper, more filling fruits such as apples, oranges and bananas and have the others as more of a treat.
I would also make carrot and cucumber sticks and tell her these can be eaten whenever.

Also do let her have sweets on the weekend as it’s important to have treats.

My mum was very restrictive with our food and I developed i bulimia and a binge eating disorder which I struggled with for years.
I then was quite restrictive with junk food with my DD thinking that this was best but then she started copying my unhealthy eating habits, so I had to make a change.

I would buy crisps and chocolate and tell her (and myself) that it was for the week and it was up to her if she ate it all in one go or made it last throughout the week.
For a long time she’d binge on it but eventually she’d decide she was full or know she’s going to want some the next day and save some.

Now she doesn’t need to even think about it because she knows it’s there and she can have it if she wants and quite often ends up not eating it at all.

Its very psychological and restricting any food makes our brains go into panic mode and need to binge on it.

This place might be a bit too nuanced for you.

That poor kid. Taken away from her mum and her home, put into a situation where dad's focus is on new baby with someone else who calls her greedy. Of course she's turned to something for comfort and you're lucky it's just fruit. Too much is bad for stomach and teeth. She needs help to support her come to terms with these huge changes, not disapproving criticism.

This is basic parenting - your posts suggests you think this is The young child’s fault, when clearly it’s the fault of the adults.

your husband isn’t prepared to parent this child. Of course that is too much fruit for her to eat. Your husband seems to lack basic adult logic and reasoning. Has he done any basic research on child nutrition. As he is in effect the sat at home parent and as this is his child not yours I would expect him to step up and be an adult.

poor kid - you sound irritated by her and her dad sounds a bit useless.

For fuck’s sake… 🤦🏼‍♀️

I wouldn’t stop buying fruit or hide it, you just need to teach her self-regulation and address whatever anxieties she’s dealing with. She needs to learn to eat a bit of fruit every day but she didn’t eat the whole week’s worth in 2.

Don’t buy crisps and chocolate as no-one needs to eat that. Some chocolate biscuits in the cupboard is all that’s necessary.

I feel sorry for her. I think she’s comfort eating due to the situ with her Mum and tbh it’s much better to choose fruit than chocolate! I’d consider getting her some counselling, I don’t know the ins and outs of why her Mum no longer sees her but it’s hard for children to suddenly have no contact with one parent and I’d argue even harder when it’s their Mum. Go easy on her.

totally agree. Poor girl, she is only 7 and step mum calls her greedy for eating fruit..

No for eating the entire week’s fruit supply in 2 days. That’s not normal and she’s clearly having issues.

This, people just love to pick .

It's greedy to excessively eat anything, including fruit. This isn't blaming the child as I'm sure she is seeking comfort from sweet foods, but doesn't make it less frustrating. OP has asked if anyone has any advice on how to approach it compassionately, yet ironically most responses are anything but. Its not always the kindest option to just let children do as they please.