AIBU to be upset by these complaints against me?

[Govangirl]

Hi all. This has only happened within the past 5-6 hours, so still very fresh and a bit emotional about it.

I work with students and we hold a debating event every month or so. As it’s designed as a deliberative space, the icebreaker has to set the tone for the evening, and so for the past 6 events we’ve played a kind of “devils advocate” game wherein they pull clearly controversial opinions out of hats, and the “goal” is to debate this from both sides (equally if possible, though not always). This allows them to see things from different perspectives, and also encourages them to get into the deliberative, debating mindset.

Anyway (sorry for the waffle!) today we were joined by 2 new students, who had issues from the start. They said the lights were too bright (we dimmed them) and that the microphones were too loud (we lowered the volume and offered them ear protectors). I’m neurotypical myself so completely understand that these can negatively impact people. When the icebreaker was played, they called me over as the facilitator and explained that they would not be participating as they had fundamentally disagreed with the first prompt. They both trauma dumped excessively while not letting me get a word in edgeways, and then accused me of being racist, homophobic, and ableist because I had written out the prompts. I explained (or tried to) that it was MEANT to be controversial, and the aim was to get them to understand diff perspectives etc. but they were having none of it. They said they’d be making complaints about me, and I showed them how to access the feedback form for the event and gave my name when required.

They seemed to really enjoy the rest of the debate and got quite animated and engaged, which is why I suppose I guessed they wouldn’t make the complaint. They also both thanked me for hosting at the end.

I got home and got a message from my manager, letting me know that there have been 2 complaints filed on the feedback form. I have access to this and have read both, and they are utter b*llocks. Accusations of the above, of course, but also allegations that I mocked them for being abused, I forced them to actively discriminate against other students, they weren’t given an option not to participate, really vile, UNTRUE things.

I’ve only been at this job for 8 months, and it’s my first job out of uni. I love this job, and I’ve only ever received positive feedback and praise so this has really knocked my confidence. The allegations are plainly untrue, and I’m hoping that my manager will see through that, as they’re both known to be “difficult students”, though of course that doesn’t mean they’re inherently liars (but in this case their recanting of the event is inaccurate). My speciality at work is Equality, Diversity, and Inclusions, so I know that I wasn’t doing any of the things they’ve accused me of, I guess I’m just worried that maybe I’m being unreasonable for being so upset.

I will say, what amused me somewhat (for lack of better word) was that these were white British students who have accused me, a WOC, of racism and discriminatory behaviour.

Huge wall of text, so apologies for that. But AIBU for being concerned about these complaints? Do you think it will negatively affect my appraisals etc to have 2 “strikes” as it were against me for this specific alleged behaviour when I’m the designated expert in ED&I in the workplace?

TIA x

White privelege. That's what they were exercising. Their utmost right to be right. Their utmost right to find fault

I think that the students sound like a pair of malicious tossers but even I think that this is bollocks

Good post, I agree.

Everyone is offended about everything it seems. Gotta have trigger warnings for everything!

Maybe there should be a little sign saying 'Life - Trigger Warning' right there on the vulva as you come into the world!

The debates sound great and they sound like a pair of malevolent little shits determined to make trouble for a new young teacher. I really hope your SLT have your back and actually make them realise the seriousness of their accusations.

They sound like twisted little shites playing power games.

The true art of debate (lost on most people these days) is to be able to argue both sides. Thats why it's a fantastic exercise you've created and their reaction is very telling.

I'm not sure how I would deal with this, but these student either need many more of these classes, or none at all. They could learn an awful lot but may be beyond help tbh. Some people are so entrenched in their need to be right, or woke, or just bloody argumentative they lack any kind of critical thinking.

I'm sorry this happened, and I know I'd have felt exactly the same as you do, had it happened to me

It's good that you have all of the prompts and that other staff were present. Also, as you've said, that other students attend regularly and return weekly.

Try to get it all written down in as much detail as possible so that you can refute the complaint, and speak to your manager ASAP.

It's for this kind of reason that I decided many years ago that I wouldn't be willing to work with children in, for instance, scouts or brownies. I just wouldn't be willing to take the risk of a malicious complaint ruining my life. I realise it's different when it's a job, but there's always going to be a risk that one student or another will completely distort something.

I hope it's all sorted out quickly and that you won't let this put you off in what sounds like a great debating exercise.

Sadly, it sounds that way to me too.

But it IS trauma dumping what they did
You are just stating facts

Some pp's really need to ....

Sigh

Op you are not offensive
But people do take offence

There is a difference.

By the perpetually offended, perhaps.

In the real world: No. Everyone knows cats are far superior to dogs.

OP, you need to apologise less, you've been doing it throughout this thread to people who appear to be deliberately goady. I mean this in the kindest way, but you come across as someone who is walked over easily. Bullies seek out people like that.

Thing is, you KNOW you can factually explain the evening. Others have described this students as disruptive. You have made reasonable adjustments for them without question. You have been running this events for a while without issue.

If your employer takes the word of two disruptive students over yours and those backing you up, you'd be better off with a different employer anyway.

I also want to echo PP comments about please continuing with these discussions. Your topics are gentle enough for teens to learn to discuss and debate, which is key in their development. Stuff like this should be mandatory in schools to kill off this current generation of "no debate" people.

These 2 kids sounds like a bunch of ....

Probably just hiding behind a wall of wokeness

And it is perfectly valid to adopt the position that this belief is utter gibberish.

Ahh try not to worry about it please, I’m sure the complaints will be dismissed.

I’m a uni lecturer so deal with students like this myself sometimes. Had a group of students storm out of a seminar one week because they didn’t like the literature (1800s so contained racist language). It happens, young people often get offended and think this constitutes as an argument.

am so sorry you had this experience. Your prompts were so harmless. Even the "controversial" one on church and state is a regular and needed debate in a democracy.
I am a black African that has worked on empowering women and excluded groups globally. I have been tempted by many EDI jobs since coming to this country but wouldn't because they feel like bombs waiting to explode in your face. I taught at a university in Europe years ago and loved it and would love to again. But in the current atmosphere I would dare. I would be offending someone if I said good morning.
Stay strong. Hopefully the powers that be will see this for what it is

Do not apologise. When you have gathered the testimonies supporting your version of events, have a meeting with your union rep present to discuss how your employer will mitigate and protect you against potential false allegations in the future. I discovered ten years into my teaching career that the only way to stop this nonsense is to nip it in the bud. People on here seem to be gleefully trying to find fault in your evidently innocuous lesson.

YANBU to be upset. The topics weren't controversial. They shouldn't have shared their trauma at open tables (with no consideration for triggering others). They sound difficult and vexatious. They may also have accused you of racism to try to mitigate against any claims they're being racist by complaining about you.

Write up what happened. Ask the other staff members to write a summary of what they felt happened and how you managed the situation. Then meet with your manager, explain what happened and ask if they have any advice on how you should have managed the situation differently.

Either there are some learning points for you to take away about how to manage potentially difficult students or the manager will confirm you dealt with everything appropriately. 8 months into a job, it's not unusual to discover potential areas for more support or further training. We were always taught to view feedback and complaints as gifts because they give you the opportunity to reflect and learn (if appropriate).

They sound like total idiots tbh. And you wonder why people don't want to teach..

Maybe we could compile some new debating prompts?
Are snowflakes mostly wet or dry?
If you disagree with someone should that person be cancelled completely or publicly humiliated?
Do you deserve special treatment because you're special or are you special because you deserve special treatment?
Are your feelings the responsibility of your parents, your teachers, or the government?
Should you surround yourself with people who agree with you entirely, or people who those who tell you what you want to hear?

The responses would be fascinating!

OP, you seem to be apologising frequently and profusely. You've really no need.

You were right they had issues. You addressed them.

You were right that they trauma dumped. It was not an appropriate situation to do so.

You were right to react to the fact they accused you of discrimination, despite the odds forever being in their favour.

From one WOC to another, please stop apologising when you are firmly in the right.

I hope everything goes your way.

I just wanted to say that I completely understand why you are so upset by this. I have been teaching secondary for nearly twenty years and have worked in some really challenging contexts. I have been shouted at, sworn at, ignored, had to break up fights regularly etc etc, but I don't think I've ever been more upset by an incident than the time when a student in a naice leafy comp told his mother a lie about me to get her off his back, and she made a complaint to the school. Luckily there was another adult in the room at the time of the alleged incident as I was mentoring a trainee, and several students spoke up to set the record straight, but it was really upsetting and a reminder of how vulnerable we are to false and malicious complaints.

@Govangirl stop apologising. You behaved in a professional, educational manner and were targeted by faux woke teens who were looking to disrupt the class and divert attention to themselves.

STOP apologising for their perceived hurt feelings. You don't go into McDonalds and order a burger then complain it is made from a cow.

If you aren't in a union, join ASAP.

Speak to your manager and formally request the falsified reports be struck from any record or 'complaints not upheld' and make sure you have a statement from the other teachers who were there to go with this 'file'.

As the student are not able to engage in the subject matter without being triggered, request they be removed from the class for their own health and safety.

You could even submit a week in advance the topics for debate to your line manager for future classes so that if they feel anything is too much, you can remove that prompt before any students see it.

DO NOT accept blame or responsibility for the 2 students. You were set up to fail.

I think you’ve had some really good advice and support and encouragement to defend yourself robustly but being really careful with your wording.

As others have said, debates were far more hard hitting when I was at school.

Agree with the general opinion here about the disruptive agenda - we all recognise the type…….

However, it did trouble me that you’d already heard negative opinions about these students from colleagues before you met them. This early in your career I’d be careful about giving too much weight to these opinions and monitor the affect they have on your professional practice and the vibe you give to ‘difficult’ students when you meet them - or the apprehension you feel.

Your colleagues aren’t infallible, but you want to do well, want rapport with them, good appraisals etc.

There are settings where abuse victims or students with support needs have been let down. And it’s easier to vent about them to colleagues than support them. That may not be the case here - I hope it’s not! It was in my first job after uni.

Oh look, it's shoehorned in transphobia time. Nice to know there's acceptable discrimination around here 😡

It’s always shoehorned transphobia time on mumsnet 😢

OP, your manager signed off on the prompts?

it’s on them then, isn’t it?

Only if you define transphobia as anyone objecting to the bullying and bad behaviour from people insistent on reinforcing gender stereotypes.
At some point, you lot are really going to grow up and actually engage with the debate. The whole crying wolf over "transphobia" doesn't work anymore. Everyone sees through it.

Why shouldn't she bring it up? A couple of white kids accusing a POC of racism, with no basis at all....it's completely relevant.

It IS outrageous, yes.