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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH thinks I don’t trust him with DD - AIBU

120 replies

Newmummahumma · 04/05/2023 17:30

So this is causing a big issue at the moment and I’m struggling to see beyond my own feelings.

DD is 10 weeks old, last night was my first night ‘out’ without DD and DH was doing the evening routine solo.

I got a message at 19:00 saying she was refusing her last bottle and was crying uncontrollably (she has started refusing to bottle feed from anyone other than me, which we had worked on before yesterday but clearly not enough!) so I called, asked to be put on speaker, sung a song and all was fine.

I then messaged half an hour later and asked if everything was ok. No reply. I then messaged at 20:00 and again no reply. I started to get worried at this point so called, no answer, I called every 10 mins and nothing.

DH is usually on call for his work in case of a security emergency so never has his phone on silent overnight, and has answered calls from alarm companies at 3am before so I was worried instead of assuming he was asleep.

I left early due to worry but as I was 2 hours away I then had an agonising train journey home, I was calling and calling, getting more and more worked up, my mum tried calling, people around me on the train even suggested calling the police to get them to do a welfare check as honestly I was thinking the worst (DH has high blood pressure and an elevated heart rate and nearly fainted a few weeks ago at home so I was worried something had happened to him)

I got home and he was asleep, phew. He woke up when I came in and saw all the calls and messages, he then accused me of not trusting him with DD, as if I did trust him I’d not be that worried.

My view is, I was worried about him more than her, and concerned he was incapacitated, not that he was going to do something to DD, or had fallen asleep with her on the sofa etc. And I don’t think it’s unreasonable to have expected him to send a quick message saying ‘she had her bottle, is asleep, I’m going to sleep now too’ we usually text goodnight when spending evenings apart so it was out of the norm to get nothing anyway. Plus this was my first night without her, of course I was going to be a bit anxious.

He is using the fact I mentioned trust being an issue when she was 2 weeks old, as confirmation of his views. He was really struggling to get his head around caring for a baby in the first couple of weeks and one day I snapped and said ‘how am I going to be able to go out by myself in future if I can’t trust you to change her nappy properly’ he now thinks that comment when she was 2 weeks old shows a pattern of distrust, whereas he actually has really stepped up since she was 2 weeks and found his feet, so I do now trust him whereas back then I don't think I would have left her with him for more than an hour or two.

This has of course now spiralled into a bigger issue so I wanted to see, before it gets worse whether I am being unreasonable here and should just apologise and stop this going further?

thank you for any comments or advice!

OP posts:
Wenfy · 04/05/2023 17:32

The fact that he had to call you to get a 10 week baby fed and all you needed to do was sing, shows he can’t be trusted.

Inthesamesinkingboat · 04/05/2023 17:37

My ex used to manufacture crisis to try and make me avoid going to places. Every time he’d do something he would regale me with stories of the dramas that had happen whilst I was away so I would then not ask him to do stuff.

You went out, left early because he dropped a bombshell on you, spent the whole journey back worried. I’ll bet you’ll think twice about going out again won’t you???

Are you sure this isn’t an attempt to control you

HadalyEve · 04/05/2023 17:40

I think in this situation YABU.

He called you when DD needed to hear your voice. It worked and all was fine. You should have left it and trusted him to call you if anything else was needed.

You didn’t need to check up on him a half hour later and then try calling every ten minutes on repeat for hours until you arrived home after leaving early due to worry.

You clearly demonstrated lack of trust. I wouldn’t have treated a babysitter the way you treated him tbh. You owe an apology to him. He can’t help that he was napping while the baby slept and had put his phone on do not disturb.

Shoxfordian · 04/05/2023 17:41

It sounds like you should get some professional help for your anxiety

Original poster
Newmummahumma · 04/05/2023 17:43

Inthesamesinkingboat · 04/05/2023 17:37

My ex used to manufacture crisis to try and make me avoid going to places. Every time he’d do something he would regale me with stories of the dramas that had happen whilst I was away so I would then not ask him to do stuff.

You went out, left early because he dropped a bombshell on you, spent the whole journey back worried. I’ll bet you’ll think twice about going out again won’t you???

Are you sure this isn’t an attempt to control you

Oh I’ll definitely not think twice before going out again Grin and he is always trying to get me to go out so he can have more time 1:1 with DD so definitely not a case of him not wanting me to socialise etc.

He gets very little time with her since going back to work as her bedtime currently is 19:00 so he enjoys the solo daddy time he does get, especially without me around (as if I’m around she doesn’t engage with him as much)

OP posts:
Original poster
Newmummahumma · 04/05/2023 17:45

HadalyEve · 04/05/2023 17:40

I think in this situation YABU.

He called you when DD needed to hear your voice. It worked and all was fine. You should have left it and trusted him to call you if anything else was needed.

You didn’t need to check up on him a half hour later and then try calling every ten minutes on repeat for hours until you arrived home after leaving early due to worry.

You clearly demonstrated lack of trust. I wouldn’t have treated a babysitter the way you treated him tbh. You owe an apology to him. He can’t help that he was napping while the baby slept and had put his phone on do not disturb.

His phone wasn’t on DND, he just wasn’t answering, hence the worry.

if it was on DND I’d have worried a lot less!

OP posts:
Sissynova · 04/05/2023 17:45

I think your reaction is quite over the top really. Telling strangers on the train the ins and outs of the situation is so weird.

BanjoKnockers · 04/05/2023 17:46

It sounds like a very big overreaction and drama about nothing at all tbh.

alyceflowers · 04/05/2023 17:46

He created this situation by calling you because the baby was crying - I mean wtf was that about? If he wants to be trusted why is he calling you from two hours away on your first night out?
And then about making you worry, he didn't answer his phone.

It seems to me that he deliberately made you worry. And now has picked a fight about it.

Next time you go out turn your phone off and don't let him drag you into his drama.

drpet49 · 04/05/2023 17:46

HadalyEve · 04/05/2023 17:40

I think in this situation YABU.

He called you when DD needed to hear your voice. It worked and all was fine. You should have left it and trusted him to call you if anything else was needed.

You didn’t need to check up on him a half hour later and then try calling every ten minutes on repeat for hours until you arrived home after leaving early due to worry.

You clearly demonstrated lack of trust. I wouldn’t have treated a babysitter the way you treated him tbh. You owe an apology to him. He can’t help that he was napping while the baby slept and had put his phone on do not disturb.

I agree

Original poster
Newmummahumma · 04/05/2023 17:47

Sissynova · 04/05/2023 17:45

I think your reaction is quite over the top really. Telling strangers on the train the ins and outs of the situation is so weird.

I was visibly upset and they asked what was wrong…

OP posts:
Blinkingheckythump · 04/05/2023 17:48

Newmummahumma · 04/05/2023 17:45

His phone wasn’t on DND, he just wasn’t answering, hence the worry.

if it was on DND I’d have worried a lot less!

Show quote history

Erm how exactly would you have known that his phone was on DND to worry less?
You completely overreacted. But as this was the first time you left her and with all the hormones etc it's something that can be forgiven. You need to do some serious apologising though

Original poster
Newmummahumma · 04/05/2023 17:50

Blinkingheckythump · 04/05/2023 17:48

Erm how exactly would you have known that his phone was on DND to worry less?
You completely overreacted. But as this was the first time you left her and with all the hormones etc it's something that can be forgiven. You need to do some serious apologising though

Show quote history

If his phone is on DND it doesn’t ring, it was ringing but no answer.

If he had put it on DND my assumption would be he was asleep, so would have worried less.

for him to not wake up due to a phone call is very out of character, which was why I worried!

OP posts:
OrwellianTimes · 04/05/2023 17:51

I think you massively overreacted to be honest. Without meaning to be harsh, do you usually struggle with anxiety and catastrophic thoughts?

Sissynova · 04/05/2023 17:51

Newmummahumma · 04/05/2023 17:47

I was visibly upset and they asked what was wrong…

Show quote history

I can’t see how their response would be to call the police unless you were being very scathing about your husband.
‘why are you upset?’
’my husband is with our child and hasn’t answered his phone for an hour’
I don’t see any situation where the logical response to this is to call then police for a welfare check!

SunnySaturdayMorning · 04/05/2023 17:52

YABVU. That was a really horrible comment you made to him so I’m not surprised he thinks you won’t trust him. Baby was newborn - all parents struggle and you should have been supporting each other.

He called you when he needed help, you should have trusted he would have called you again if he needed more help. You absolutely proved you didn’t trust him.

You also shouldn’t be airing your dirty laundry to a train full of strangers and you should learn to control your emotions.

Fandabedodgy · 04/05/2023 17:53

He panicked and called you. You spoke to baby on the phone and problem solved.

You then overreacted - calling every 10 mins, leaving early, discussing with all and sundry on the train to the point where there was suggestions of police involvement.

Agree some protocols with each other for the future but in the meantime you both need to calm down.

Original poster
Newmummahumma · 04/05/2023 17:54

OrwellianTimes · 04/05/2023 17:51

I think you massively overreacted to be honest. Without meaning to be harsh, do you usually struggle with anxiety and catastrophic thoughts?

Definitely not, but after his scare the other week I was worried in terms of a health emergency for him instead of not trusting him with her.

He never sleeps through calls, especially so early in the evening, so I was genuinely worried he had fainted or collapsed.

he doesn’t see my worry was for him, not for her if that makes sense.

OP posts:
Gigglemous · 04/05/2023 17:56

Ok so there is a struggle with a newborn, you've told your DP only a few weeks ago that you don't trust leaving him alone with her. Then you travel 2 hours away.

Before you start going out on nights out so far away, you should work on this trust/anxiety issue.

Yes he's a bit of an arse for not answering his phone, I can imagine this would have been a terrible journey home for you but this is a situation that never needed to happen this way.

I suggest trying to go out more local, so your 15 mins away by cab let's say. It means you don't need to phone like a maniac and you can come home quickly enough if you really are concerned about your partner being incapacitated.

No matter what happens, do not let this incident stop you from having the odd night out where you get a break and he gets to feel more confident and trusted as a parent with his own child.

Newborns are fucking hard work. And this will test your relationship. Be kind to one another and help each others confidence In parenting.

HadalyEve · 04/05/2023 17:56

Newmummahumma · 04/05/2023 17:45

His phone wasn’t on DND, he just wasn’t answering, hence the worry.

if it was on DND I’d have worried a lot less!

Show quote history

Then he’s a tiny bit unreasonable too. Tell him to use the DND function next time. It’s the first time you’ve left the baby with him, so bound to be a few wrinkles.

Original poster
Newmummahumma · 04/05/2023 17:57

SunnySaturdayMorning · 04/05/2023 17:52

YABVU. That was a really horrible comment you made to him so I’m not surprised he thinks you won’t trust him. Baby was newborn - all parents struggle and you should have been supporting each other.

He called you when he needed help, you should have trusted he would have called you again if he needed more help. You absolutely proved you didn’t trust him.

You also shouldn’t be airing your dirty laundry to a train full of strangers and you should learn to control your emotions.

not sure I’ll be reading too much into comments from people unable to read. Plus not all new parents struggle, I was able to adequately change her nappy and ensure she was clean from day one. He didn’t see the need to change her if she pooed if she was asleep! Poor thing was left in her own shit for hours.

my worry was for him, not for her. I know he would have called again if he needed further help. Maybe you can read posts properly before replying in future Biscuit

OP posts:
Soontobe60 · 04/05/2023 17:57

alyceflowers · 04/05/2023 17:46

He created this situation by calling you because the baby was crying - I mean wtf was that about? If he wants to be trusted why is he calling you from two hours away on your first night out?
And then about making you worry, he didn't answer his phone.

It seems to me that he deliberately made you worry. And now has picked a fight about it.

Next time you go out turn your phone off and don't let him drag you into his drama.

I should imagine he called asking for advice - ‘DD wont stop crying or take her feed, what would be the best thing to do?’.

HadalyEve · 04/05/2023 18:00

Newmummahumma · 04/05/2023 17:57

not sure I’ll be reading too much into comments from people unable to read. Plus not all new parents struggle, I was able to adequately change her nappy and ensure she was clean from day one. He didn’t see the need to change her if she pooed if she was asleep! Poor thing was left in her own shit for hours.

my worry was for him, not for her. I know he would have called again if he needed further help. Maybe you can read posts properly before replying in future Biscuit

Show quote history

To be fair every midwife I had plus quite few mums dishing out unsolicited advice told me to always let a sleeping baby lie even if they have poo’d in their sleep. I am like you, it’s gross and I always changed them. But your DH is not alone in this approach it is one I have heard a dozen times and it really is symbolic of the many parenting differences you will discover about each other and have to communicate and come to a joint agreement on.

Original poster
Newmummahumma · 04/05/2023 18:00

Gigglemous · 04/05/2023 17:56

Ok so there is a struggle with a newborn, you've told your DP only a few weeks ago that you don't trust leaving him alone with her. Then you travel 2 hours away.

Before you start going out on nights out so far away, you should work on this trust/anxiety issue.

Yes he's a bit of an arse for not answering his phone, I can imagine this would have been a terrible journey home for you but this is a situation that never needed to happen this way.

I suggest trying to go out more local, so your 15 mins away by cab let's say. It means you don't need to phone like a maniac and you can come home quickly enough if you really are concerned about your partner being incapacitated.

No matter what happens, do not let this incident stop you from having the odd night out where you get a break and he gets to feel more confident and trusted as a parent with his own child.

Newborns are fucking hard work. And this will test your relationship. Be kind to one another and help each others confidence In parenting.

I didn’t say I didn’t trust him, I asked how I was supposed to trust him if he wasn’t able to care for her properly. (he didn’t realise you need to change a baby if they poo even when asleep, so left DD in her own shit for hours)

I do trust him, that’s the issue, he has seriously improved since that time and is great with her. and I tell him all the time how well he is doing with her, but he takes my concern about him as a concern about her. When it was not the case. I know he would have called again if he needed further help with getting her down etc.

He doesn’t believe me essentially

OP posts:
BlackPhillipsCheese · 04/05/2023 18:01

Sissynova · 04/05/2023 17:45

I think your reaction is quite over the top really. Telling strangers on the train the ins and outs of the situation is so weird.

I agree. Did it not occur to you that he was asleep?

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